I apologize for the length of this post.  It’s just that there were a lot of comments yesterday and I kept my mouth shut for so long and anyone who knows me knows what a huge deal that is.  Apparently, I’m going to make up for it today.

So, let’s talk about yesterday.

I think the problem here is that everyone relies on hatred and intolerance too much as our first defense against what we discern to be oppression.

For most people, hate is a symptom.  It’s just at the surface.

Hate… is a sneeze.

Have you ever been to the doctor because of a cold that has you sneezing incessantly and then had the doctor tell you that you have an acute case of “the sneezes”?  I really, really hope not.

Because the sneezes are not the problem.  It’s the virus or bacteria that’s the problem.

When you’re in the position that I’ve stumbled into at this time in America, it’s not useful to diagnose yourself with the sneezes.  Or being sneezed upon, as this increasingly awkward analogy suggests.

You have to shut up for a minute (or over a hundred comments) and listen for the real problem.

You have too look for the virus.

I’m going to channel my friend Britt, whose therapy speak has for the last year or so been annoying, but, for the first time, is actually going to prove useful to me.

I heard you.

What I heard you say is that you think that Muslims in that area are doing this simply to assert their right to build a mosque wherever they please and that they are, in the exact words of one commenter, “thumbing their noses at us.”

I also hear you saying that you don’t think it’s in good taste to build a mosque so close to the WTC because you feel it offends the memories of those who died there.

This is what I heard.

Or read.  You know what I mean.

I am of the opinion that neither of these sentiments are borne of hatred.  They are the products of mistrust, fear, grief, pain and despair.  You should know, even those of you who beautifully defended not just me yesterday but all American Muslims and maybe as you saw it America itself, that these emotions cannot be subdued with force.

You cannot make someone’s mistrust, fear or grief disappear by using shame or guilt.  And, don’t delude yourself, implying or outright calling someone ignorant or intolerant is an attempt to shame them.  Branding someone as ignorant or intolerant when engaging in a discussion is not only rude, but it’s counterproductive.  It’s not as though you’re going to get a sudden turnaround.

Oh, I’m ignorant?! Really? Well, then I change my mind, please help me be less ignorant.

That?  Is not going to happen.

I think those of us who are actually committed to harmony instead of sticking it to the other guy should dispense with these words entirely.  At least, when we’re speaking to the people with whom we disagree.

Back to grief, pain, mistrust and despair, though… or our “viruses,” if you will.

These are real emotions and the people who are feeling them deserve careful consideration and acknowledgment.  Maybe we should stop trying so hard to get our point across and try to deal with them in a sensitive way?

So, please.  Let me lead the way.

I also hear you saying that you don’t think it’s in good taste to build a mosque so close to the WTC because you feel it offends the memories of those who died there.

I read these particular comments several times in order to get to what I believe is the heart of the matter.

As I see it, this is a choice.

I am unsure of whether it’s conscious or not, so right here and right now, let’s make it clear and conscious.  A person reading this can continue to believe that the presence of a mosque near the WTC is offensive if they choose, but today my aim is that they will walk away being absolutely clear on the choice that they’re making.

Connecting the Americans who want to build this mosque with the terrorists who flew their planes into the Towers based on the virtue of their shared religion is a choice.

It asserts that how long those Americans have lived here, whether they are Democrats or Republicans, whether they are black, white, Hispanic, Asian, or whatever does not matter at all.  It further assumes that they have more in common with the people who brandish radical Islam and murder people  in its name than they do with “real” Americans.

This is a choice to rely on stereotyping and generalities in order to avoid having your heart broken or your body blown up by someone you thought was your friend.  It is a tough choice.  But it is a choice.

You can choose to believe that a stereotype or a generality is a reference point or that it is an unabashed truth.

Either way, you must own it.

You must acknowledge that being offended by a mosque built by Americans is saying that those Americans are more like terrorists who murder Americans than they are like you.  It does not matter to you that they, like you, pay their taxes, vote or put their pants on one leg at a time.  All that matters is that they are Muslim and the people who caused our national tragedy called themselves Muslim.  Everything else is extraneous.

You are choosing the expedience of simplification over the arduous task of getting to know a person before you judge them.

I’m not judging.  I’m just saying you should be clear on your choice.  And clear on what that says about you and your outlook on life.

There is another explanation as to why one might be offended by the building of this mosque that has nothing to do with stereotyping, though.  It might be offensive to some that the building of this mosque is an act of political grandstanding.  That is, that the Muslims building there are doing so because they want to assert that they have a right to do so.  All my information points to the contrary, but if that is the case?

Then, I’m offended by the idea of this building.

What I heard you say is that you think that Muslims in that area are doing this simply to assert their right to build a mosque wherever they please and that they are, in the exact words of one commenter, “thumbing their noses at us.”

Muslims are commanded by God not to be arrogant, and I believe that building for the sake of asserting one’s right is an act of arrogance.

It obliterates the sanctity of a place of worship and infuses it with political rhetoric.  Educated American Muslims should be well aware of where this road leads and we should not delude ourselves by assuming that this time it will be different because, after all, we’re Americans and it’s somehow okay for us to politicize our Islam.

If Muslims in this area are doing this simply to make a point and not because there is a viable need for a place of worship and gathering, this is outside the scope of Islamic etiquette and manners.

It’s not a sin, but it’s not looked upon favorably.  The Prophet (pbuh) was reported to have said that we are measured not by our deeds, but the intention behind those deeds.  In other words, one can market interfaith understanding all they like, but if they’re intention is to politicize their identity as Muslims, then, well, God is watching.

And that might not be important to some Americans, but it should be important to Muslim Americans.

To me, building a mosque simply to assert one’s right to build a mosque is misguided and cruel.  It is even more cruel to do so when parents, children, siblings and spouses are asking you with tears in their eyes not to do it.

It doesn’t matter if they’re Muslim or not.

It doesn’t matter if we were responsible for their pain or not.

It doesn’t matter if they are misguided in their assumptions.

What matters is that this action is causing them pain.

What matters is our responsibility to show compassion and mercy.

At the same time, if it is needed and worth it, then build it.

But the Muslims in this area should give proper weight to the price that is being paid not in dollars, but in good will.

So.

If it is needed and it is worth it and the intention is pure and aimed solely to fulfill our responsibility to serve our Creator, then build it.

By all means, then, build it.

***

I received an e-mail from a good friend today who was indignant on my behalf over the idea that I had to address this in the first place.  Why, she wondered, was I put in the singular position of having to comment on this?

I think her point was a good one, especially since I don’t generally use this as a forum for post 9/11 angst.  At least, not on a regularly scheduled basis.  Rest assured, also, that I never will.

The truth is, I wasn’t placed in the position of making a commentary.  I chose to be in this position.

I didn’t have to say anything.  I could have gone along talking about my wonderful husband, my sick kids and all sorts of other topics and nobody would have said a word.

Except maybe my dad who still thinks there’s hope for me to be, at the very least, the first Muslim woman to become Secretary of Defense and wonders why I don’t write about this in every single post and why do I write like Sarah Palin speaks.

But I can’t just not talk about it or not take some measure of responsibility in terms of occasionally speaking up.

I accept this responsibility very willingly.  You betchya I do, gosh darn it, Dad.

I will struggle to put a human face, any face, on these issues,, even if I’m not representative, even if I don’t speak for everybody else who is Muslim in this nation.

I suspect, in fact, that I will most likely spend the rest of my life explaining how I and other people like me are not terrorists.

And that is okay with me because I have a very good reason.

One day, when my children or grandchildren will hear about how there was this big argument.

It was all about where a mosque could and should be built in New York City.

They’ll look at me with glazed eyes the way I looked at my dad when he told me about the British ruling India for 150 years or how trains full of dead bodies came into Pakistan during the partition.

And, like me, they’ll feel a little sad.  And they’ll wish that it had been different.

And then?  They’ll say, “Wow, that must have been rough for everyone.  So.  What’s for dinner and did you see my acceptance letter to MIT/Harvard/the Sorbonne with a full scholarship sitting on the kitchen counter yet or what?”

I say something so this won’t be a big deal one day.

I just don’t want these kids to grow up in a world that simply tolerates them as Muslims, but one that recognizes their contribution as human beings to society and civilization.

I guess, I just say something so they won’t have to.

Everyone needs a dream, you know.

I suppose someone out there is wondering why, given my openness about being an American Muslim, the debates surrounding the building of a mosque near ground zero haven’t been brought up in this space.

The thing is, I think most of you know where I would stand on this issue.

The other thing is, I am, frankly, exhausted at the prospect of writing yet another iteration of:

“I’m just a Muslim girl with Pakistani-American parents, standing in front of a relatively secular nation asking it to love her.”

If you’ve not seen Notting Hill, that last line was very clever.  Trust me.

It occurred to me the other day that…

Someone out there who is reading this blog is incensed by the idea of a mosque being built NEAR ground zero.

They are also incensed by the idea that there are mosques being built in Los Angeles, Tennessee, or anywhere in our country.

This anger is so real, in fact, that when the President defends the rights of all Americans to build places of worship wherever they are legally allowed to do so, the accusation of him being “out of touch” with the American people is given full credibility and attention.

They are also so incensed that they’ve imagined that every Friday, every single Muslim in the whole world gets together on some version of terrorist Skype and we formulate plans for symbolic world domination.  Like, we all sit around on Friday night, by the dim light of our burning American flags, coming up with names for a mosque that we plan to build on ground zero… I know!! Let’s call it Cordoba after the place where we got our butts kicked by the Christians back in the 13th century… that’ll teach them.

You should have been there, I tell you, it was just amazing how ALL ONE BILLION OF US agreed on this in just a matter of minutes!!

Look.  Today, instead of my proselytizing about freedom, humanistic ideals and interfaith understanding, I’d like to offer an invitation.

I invite this incensed someone to state their opinion in a respectful and concise manner.

I would like you to tell me why, as your fellow American, I am not allowed to build a place a worship wherever I am legally able to do so.

I also ask readers to treat this commenter with respect if you choose to engage in a discussion, and to keep in mind that no person is defined by a single opinion.  In other words, please don’t use words like “stupid” or “dumb.”

I also invite you to twitter or Facebook this post, so that the entire Internet can come here and respectfully explain to me exactly why a Muslim American should have less rights than a non-Muslim American.

I offer this invitation because I sincerely would like to know the rationale.

And I would like them to tell me to my virtual face.

I won’t even try to change their minds.  Because, honestly, I don’t think it’s possible.

I’d just like to know what I’m up against.

Today marks the first day of Ramadan.

What is Ramadan? you ask.

What am I, your personal encyclopedia?  You’re obviously new here! I respond.

Go read about it here.

Having grown up in the U.S., and having fasted since I was fourteen, I’ve fielded many questions and comments about Ramadan.  All of them were important, none of them were stupid.

Like:

So, you don’t eat or drink for an entire month?

Seriously?  Come on.  Of course I eat and drink.  If I could go an entire month without eating, I wouldn’t be forty pounds overweight.  If I could go all month without eating food and drinking water, I’d be a superhero.  A superhero with a generally useless yet cost effective superpower.  We eat prior to sunrise and after sunset.

I bet you lose a lot of weight.

No, I don’t.  In fact, I gain about ten pounds every Ramadan.  I think I should get extra credit for that, by the way.

Did you fast when you were pregnant?

No, I also did not fast right after I had both of my children.  Fasting while I’m nursing is optional.  There are several exceptions to who must fast.  Those who cannot fast are required to feed people as a substitute.

You must be sooo hungry.

You have no idea.  I am also thirsty.  Even more excruciating?  I am not allowed to curse, get angry or lose my temper.  I think that part is harder than the fasting, actually.  Honestly, though, this discomfort disappears somewhere around day four or five.

Can I eat in front of you?  Is that offensive?

Of course you can eat in front of me and I am not offended by it, at all.  Just like I’m not offended if you bust out a ham sandwich when I’m not fasting.  Now, if you’re going to go out of your way and pontificate on how lovely your food tastes and oh-my-god-how-can-you-not-want-to-eat-this-it’s-so-delicious-I-think-I-want-to-wash-it-all-down-with-a-nice-and-much-needed-refreshing-sip-of-cool-clear-water?  We may have a problem.

Why do you fast?  (Note that this does not say, “Why do Muslims fast?”  Although, certainly that would cover most of my response, I am not, nor will I ever be, a spokesperson for every Muslim you ever meet.  Most likely, I am far from it).

Ramadan, for me, is a time to develop my God* consciousness.  Most religionists (I’m using that term in the sense of people who beleive in a religion) give a great deal of lip service to how important they think God is.  But, at least as is the case with me, God occupies a small percentage a day of my conscious mind.  Ramadan is always the exception for me.  There is nothing more God-consciousness inspiring than when 6p.m. rolls around and you’re considering gnawing off your left arm due to excruciating hunger, and you stop to remember that you’re doing this because God commanded it.  People offer (accurate) explanations regarding how this time reminds us of those who do not have a choice regarding when they can eat or of the importance of charity, etc.  I personally beleive those are encompassed within the God consciousness reason, though.

* Allah means “God” in Arabic and since I’m writing in English here, you know…

******

So, there you go.  Feel free to ask me additional questions or make additional non-combative comments.

And, oh?

Ramadan Mubarek.

I’m pressed for time, tired and not in the mood, so today?  You get bullets.

Bang.bang.bang.

That is not an order.

• I realized today that I have very few expectations regarding my friends.  Be kind to people and be honest.  It is shocking how many people can’t seem to do that, though.

• I read the following on twitter a week ago: “Discussing another person’s moral failings is the most common form of gossip.”  I may do this under the unconscious pretense that I’m trying to derive some sort of life lesson.  In the end, though, maybe I’m just reinforcing an undercurrent of self righteousness.  Most of the time, I end up telling the person in question what I think their moral failing is, so that’s not gossip, right? It’s just terribly obnoxious.  In my defense, my levels of diplomacy border on being superhuman.  Still, is gossip actually gossip if you end up telling the person you were talking about exactly what you said?  I’m leaning towards a no.

• Someone I was talking to the other day told me that they met someone who works on the tarmac (spelling?  I’m talking about where airplanes land) and they found out that these people who work where the airplanes land do not have FBI background checks.  I was a little horrified by that.  Even more horrifying?  The person who I was speaking with, who I have known for almost 20 years, said, “I know, and he was Algerian, for God’s sake.”  What.the.hell. I mean, I’m sure a lot of non-Muslim/non-Middle Eastern people think that kind of stuff, and they probably say it to each other, but really?  This person was so shamelessly discriminatory that they couldn’t even hold it back when they were talking to me?  That’s just rude.  If you’re going to be racist, you should compensate by being polite about it.  And, no, I didn’t say anything to them because I assumed that if knowing me for twenty years couldn’t dissuade them from assuming that all Muslims and Arabs are terrorists, then my saying something was just a waste of time.  I just pretended I had something to do and ended the conversation.

• You know what’s stupid?  Mommy Wars.  If one more person tells me how great I am for staying at home to take care of my kids, I am going to scream.  I was raised by a woman that worked sixty hours a week, and I am well adjusted, intelligent, nurturing, loving and generally awesome.  When someone criticizes a woman for working outside the home in front of me, they’re criticizing my mom.  And a person could get cut for that.  Let’s assume that all mothers love their children.  Let us also assume that all mothers want to do what’s best for their children.  Let us also assume that what’s best for someone ELSE’S children is nobody’s business but theirs.

• Somewhere in that last sentence lies the key to ending human suffering.  The prize for guessing it is to languish in the knowledge that it’ll only work if every single one of us cooperates and that not one more reality show can ever be created.

So.  Yeah.  Not my best work.

But I posted.

I am unusually thick skinned when it comes to things deemed offensive.  I don’t get upset over terrorist jokes or slurpie innuendo. If the joke is funny, I have no problem laughing.

That said, non-Indian people of the world, you need to know that merely mimicking an Indian accent is not funny.

Furthermore, IF what you’re actually saying or doing is not stand alone funny, it’s just stupid.

“Apu” from The Simpson’s is funny because what he says is highlighted by the accent.

“Hello, how are you?” in an Indian accent and then laughing, though?  Is neither clever nor as remotely hilarious as you might think.

And mimicking an Indian accent to someone whose parents or husband has a similar accent is both ignorant and rude.  Oh my goodness, I cannot even begin to count the number of times this has happened to me.

Disagree?

Let’s drive this point home in an unexpected way.

A few years ago, I was at a restaurant with a bunch of Indian friends.  Unlike me, none of them were born here, so they spoke accented English, although most of their accents were very slight.  One of the women at the table was relating a conversation with one of her American co-workers.  When this Indian woman repeated her co-worker’s words, she slipped into an attempt to speak English like an American.

Only, she’s not American, so it played as a bad impression of American accented English.  Apparently, we Americans obnoxiously drop “g’s” all over the place and our “a’s” are said with our mouths open entirely too wide.

Being the only person at the table who spoke American accented English, frankly, I was embarrassed by it.  I listened quietly to her do this accent which by virtue of subtext was a mockery of the way I spoke and realized if the tables were turned, I would have offended everyone at that table.  Worse, there was no joke.  The accent was supposed to be the joke.

The way I talk was the butt of her joke.

Nice.

Why don’t you just make fun of the fact that I wore glasses in the second grade while you’re at it, lady?

So, let me repeat, the accent is not the joke.  The words actually have to be funny, or one runs the risk of looking like an ignorant and slightly racist jerk.

And, apparently, the folks who run the marketing department over at Metro PCS are ignorant and slightly racist jerks.

Seriously, the only way this could be more insulting to my heritage is if it were two white guys with brown shoe polish smeared on their faces.

(Facebook readers will have to click through to my blog to see this ridiculous commercial).