Realization: I am, without a doubt, just a plain old human being. I know. Devastating, really.
Tonight, I’m thinking of “the drift.”
The drift occurs when the emotional space between two people expands at a seemingly infinitesimal, yet constant rate. It is what begins as forgetting to return a phone call and ends in a faint memory of someone you knew quite well a very long time ago. The drift is painful, hopeless and, 99% of the time, permanent. There is no “un-drifting” once you’ve drifted.
When you walked in, I felt a peaceful knowing in my heart that we were going to have great adventures together. You looked shy. I knew you had no idea how beautiful you were. I was going to show you that.
I mean, for me, my life is full. I have to make room for everything, anything. If I want to breathe, I have to look at my to do list. I have a space between 11:45 and 11:50… I can breathe in those five minutes or I can make an awkward phone call. I barely have time for the people with whom I have relationships that are not awkward and forced, so who needs that?
As I convinced you that you were just as beautiful on the outside as you were on the inside, you taught me to believe that I was brave, wise and strong. With you by my side, I no longer had to pretend to be that. I was that… because you saw that when you saw me. Your eyes made me real.
People will say things.
“Make time to fix this thing.”
“Friendship is important.”
“Hold on.”
“Don’t let go.”
And other lyrics from “.38 Special.”
Others understand. This is who I am. My life is this way because I want it to be this way. I seriously don’t have time for this kind of thing.
Even when there were oceans between us, we were inseparable. Two thumps in one heartbeat… blood rushing in, blood rushing out. Absent from the day to day of each others’ lives, one phone call would cascade in a blanket of reassurance. You are loved, blood in, you are perfect, blood out.
We’re all grown ups here and while I realize that some people prefer their reality sugar coated, I’m more of the “hold the sugar, give it to me straight up” kind of woman. My heart is too full and my life is just too busy to harbor a silly, childish hope that we can just pick up right where we left off. There is now only time for picking up socks and groceries and kids from practices.
You loved, accepted and admired me without any reservation or envy and, most importantly, without any expectation. You are the only person I have never feared I’d disappoint. If I am honest with myself, no one had ever loved me like that, nobody has loved me like that since, and I suspect that nobody ever will.
When the drift happens, it happens because it’s what both of the people want. People will fight to protect something they need. People let things that are no longer relevant to them fade away. Either way, it’s important to note that everyone in the situation is making a choice.
Conscientiousness optional.
I looked up one day and you were simply not there anymore. I was hurt, alone and, yes, a little angry. Babies have been born, rings exchanged, people buried. Suddenly, I realized that I couldn’t even remember the last time I looked in your direction. I also realize that nobody seems to ask whose fault it is when a book ends. This isn’t much different.
The drift itself, while painful, is not the excruciating thing. The real pain shows up when it hits you that there will probably be more drifts and that everyone is a potential drift candidate.
You will never be replaced. I cannot move on. There is no “letting go” of you. There is only an ache in my heart, a lump in my throat, and the horrible realization that there is nothing I can do. I don’t know you anymore and you don’t know me and we are past the point of pretending with any degree of credibility that this is not the reality of who we are to each other. I cannot pretend this is not happening anymore.
The drift is the best reason to hold the people still in your life a little tighter today. Because those moments after a drift, you’ll find the certainty that all this won’t last forever firmly, if not tragically, renewed. Sometimes, you’ve got to just take a deep breath somewhere between 11:45 and 11:50 and pay attention to right now. This minute. Here.
Goodbye.
My daughter took this. It's awesome, right? Say yes. Or else.
Of course it’s contrived and manufactured.
Here’s something you might not know: most everything we do is contrived and manufactured. Someone decided we were going to do things a certain way and some of us said, “Yes, why, we’d love to do things this way” and others said, “Noooo, I don’t think so.” Depending on how powerful that initial group was that decided things were going to be a certain way, the second group either went somewhere else or was, er, dispatched.
And so what? Just because someone made something up doesn’t mean it’s not meaningful.
I realize I confuse people by not ascribing to that thinking that says, “Oh we do things this way because it’s maaaagical.” I don’t believe in soul mates. Much. But I do believe in love… that it is real and tangible, yet adorned with practical things that we now assume are maaaagical.
What’s wrong with Valentine’s Day, what upsets some people about it, is the same thing that upsets people about other holidays. Too much money is spent, too little thought is given, and far too much is invested into a singular day or moment… People are upset because we’ve forgotten that love, romance or faith are daily practices. And that they’re free – in terms of money.
You can’t be a great spouse just one day a year. Just like you can’t be a devout Muslim, Christian, Hindu or Jew just one day a year. I mean, you can. But I don’t know how much that’s going to benefit you. Or anyone else. I’m just being pragmatic.
I hope you have a terrific Valentine’s Day and that you are treated to romance, friendship, thoughtfulness, chocolate and love… always to love.
I hope you get that tomorrow, too. And the day after that. And so on.
Photo concept, credit and execution: My Six Year Old.
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