I apologize for the length of this post.  It’s just that there were a lot of comments yesterday and I kept my mouth shut for so long and anyone who knows me knows what a huge deal that is.  Apparently, I’m going to make up for it today.

So, let’s talk about yesterday.

I think the problem here is that everyone relies on hatred and intolerance too much as our first defense against what we discern to be oppression.

For most people, hate is a symptom.  It’s just at the surface.

Hate… is a sneeze.

Have you ever been to the doctor because of a cold that has you sneezing incessantly and then had the doctor tell you that you have an acute case of “the sneezes”?  I really, really hope not.

Because the sneezes are not the problem.  It’s the virus or bacteria that’s the problem.

When you’re in the position that I’ve stumbled into at this time in America, it’s not useful to diagnose yourself with the sneezes.  Or being sneezed upon, as this increasingly awkward analogy suggests.

You have to shut up for a minute (or over a hundred comments) and listen for the real problem.

You have too look for the virus.

I’m going to channel my friend Britt, whose therapy speak has for the last year or so been annoying, but, for the first time, is actually going to prove useful to me.

I heard you.

What I heard you say is that you think that Muslims in that area are doing this simply to assert their right to build a mosque wherever they please and that they are, in the exact words of one commenter, “thumbing their noses at us.”

I also hear you saying that you don’t think it’s in good taste to build a mosque so close to the WTC because you feel it offends the memories of those who died there.

This is what I heard.

Or read.  You know what I mean.

I am of the opinion that neither of these sentiments are borne of hatred.  They are the products of mistrust, fear, grief, pain and despair.  You should know, even those of you who beautifully defended not just me yesterday but all American Muslims and maybe as you saw it America itself, that these emotions cannot be subdued with force.

You cannot make someone’s mistrust, fear or grief disappear by using shame or guilt.  And, don’t delude yourself, implying or outright calling someone ignorant or intolerant is an attempt to shame them.  Branding someone as ignorant or intolerant when engaging in a discussion is not only rude, but it’s counterproductive.  It’s not as though you’re going to get a sudden turnaround.

Oh, I’m ignorant?! Really? Well, then I change my mind, please help me be less ignorant.

That?  Is not going to happen.

I think those of us who are actually committed to harmony instead of sticking it to the other guy should dispense with these words entirely.  At least, when we’re speaking to the people with whom we disagree.

Back to grief, pain, mistrust and despair, though… or our “viruses,” if you will.

These are real emotions and the people who are feeling them deserve careful consideration and acknowledgment.  Maybe we should stop trying so hard to get our point across and try to deal with them in a sensitive way?

So, please.  Let me lead the way.

I also hear you saying that you don’t think it’s in good taste to build a mosque so close to the WTC because you feel it offends the memories of those who died there.

I read these particular comments several times in order to get to what I believe is the heart of the matter.

As I see it, this is a choice.

I am unsure of whether it’s conscious or not, so right here and right now, let’s make it clear and conscious.  A person reading this can continue to believe that the presence of a mosque near the WTC is offensive if they choose, but today my aim is that they will walk away being absolutely clear on the choice that they’re making.

Connecting the Americans who want to build this mosque with the terrorists who flew their planes into the Towers based on the virtue of their shared religion is a choice.

It asserts that how long those Americans have lived here, whether they are Democrats or Republicans, whether they are black, white, Hispanic, Asian, or whatever does not matter at all.  It further assumes that they have more in common with the people who brandish radical Islam and murder people  in its name than they do with “real” Americans.

This is a choice to rely on stereotyping and generalities in order to avoid having your heart broken or your body blown up by someone you thought was your friend.  It is a tough choice.  But it is a choice.

You can choose to believe that a stereotype or a generality is a reference point or that it is an unabashed truth.

Either way, you must own it.

You must acknowledge that being offended by a mosque built by Americans is saying that those Americans are more like terrorists who murder Americans than they are like you.  It does not matter to you that they, like you, pay their taxes, vote or put their pants on one leg at a time.  All that matters is that they are Muslim and the people who caused our national tragedy called themselves Muslim.  Everything else is extraneous.

You are choosing the expedience of simplification over the arduous task of getting to know a person before you judge them.

I’m not judging.  I’m just saying you should be clear on your choice.  And clear on what that says about you and your outlook on life.

There is another explanation as to why one might be offended by the building of this mosque that has nothing to do with stereotyping, though.  It might be offensive to some that the building of this mosque is an act of political grandstanding.  That is, that the Muslims building there are doing so because they want to assert that they have a right to do so.  All my information points to the contrary, but if that is the case?

Then, I’m offended by the idea of this building.

What I heard you say is that you think that Muslims in that area are doing this simply to assert their right to build a mosque wherever they please and that they are, in the exact words of one commenter, “thumbing their noses at us.”

Muslims are commanded by God not to be arrogant, and I believe that building for the sake of asserting one’s right is an act of arrogance.

It obliterates the sanctity of a place of worship and infuses it with political rhetoric.  Educated American Muslims should be well aware of where this road leads and we should not delude ourselves by assuming that this time it will be different because, after all, we’re Americans and it’s somehow okay for us to politicize our Islam.

If Muslims in this area are doing this simply to make a point and not because there is a viable need for a place of worship and gathering, this is outside the scope of Islamic etiquette and manners.

It’s not a sin, but it’s not looked upon favorably.  The Prophet (pbuh) was reported to have said that we are measured not by our deeds, but the intention behind those deeds.  In other words, one can market interfaith understanding all they like, but if they’re intention is to politicize their identity as Muslims, then, well, God is watching.

And that might not be important to some Americans, but it should be important to Muslim Americans.

To me, building a mosque simply to assert one’s right to build a mosque is misguided and cruel.  It is even more cruel to do so when parents, children, siblings and spouses are asking you with tears in their eyes not to do it.

It doesn’t matter if they’re Muslim or not.

It doesn’t matter if we were responsible for their pain or not.

It doesn’t matter if they are misguided in their assumptions.

What matters is that this action is causing them pain.

What matters is our responsibility to show compassion and mercy.

At the same time, if it is needed and worth it, then build it.

But the Muslims in this area should give proper weight to the price that is being paid not in dollars, but in good will.

So.

If it is needed and it is worth it and the intention is pure and aimed solely to fulfill our responsibility to serve our Creator, then build it.

By all means, then, build it.

***

I received an e-mail from a good friend today who was indignant on my behalf over the idea that I had to address this in the first place.  Why, she wondered, was I put in the singular position of having to comment on this?

I think her point was a good one, especially since I don’t generally use this as a forum for post 9/11 angst.  At least, not on a regularly scheduled basis.  Rest assured, also, that I never will.

The truth is, I wasn’t placed in the position of making a commentary.  I chose to be in this position.

I didn’t have to say anything.  I could have gone along talking about my wonderful husband, my sick kids and all sorts of other topics and nobody would have said a word.

Except maybe my dad who still thinks there’s hope for me to be, at the very least, the first Muslim woman to become Secretary of Defense and wonders why I don’t write about this in every single post and why do I write like Sarah Palin speaks.

But I can’t just not talk about it or not take some measure of responsibility in terms of occasionally speaking up.

I accept this responsibility very willingly.  You betchya I do, gosh darn it, Dad.

I will struggle to put a human face, any face, on these issues,, even if I’m not representative, even if I don’t speak for everybody else who is Muslim in this nation.

I suspect, in fact, that I will most likely spend the rest of my life explaining how I and other people like me are not terrorists.

And that is okay with me because I have a very good reason.

One day, when my children or grandchildren will hear about how there was this big argument.

It was all about where a mosque could and should be built in New York City.

They’ll look at me with glazed eyes the way I looked at my dad when he told me about the British ruling India for 150 years or how trains full of dead bodies came into Pakistan during the partition.

And, like me, they’ll feel a little sad.  And they’ll wish that it had been different.

And then?  They’ll say, “Wow, that must have been rough for everyone.  So.  What’s for dinner and did you see my acceptance letter to MIT/Harvard/the Sorbonne with a full scholarship sitting on the kitchen counter yet or what?”

I say something so this won’t be a big deal one day.

I just don’t want these kids to grow up in a world that simply tolerates them as Muslims, but one that recognizes their contribution as human beings to society and civilization.

I guess, I just say something so they won’t have to.

Everyone needs a dream, you know.

I suppose someone out there is wondering why, given my openness about being an American Muslim, the debates surrounding the building of a mosque near ground zero haven’t been brought up in this space.

The thing is, I think most of you know where I would stand on this issue.

The other thing is, I am, frankly, exhausted at the prospect of writing yet another iteration of:

“I’m just a Muslim girl with Pakistani-American parents, standing in front of a relatively secular nation asking it to love her.”

If you’ve not seen Notting Hill, that last line was very clever.  Trust me.

It occurred to me the other day that…

Someone out there who is reading this blog is incensed by the idea of a mosque being built NEAR ground zero.

They are also incensed by the idea that there are mosques being built in Los Angeles, Tennessee, or anywhere in our country.

This anger is so real, in fact, that when the President defends the rights of all Americans to build places of worship wherever they are legally allowed to do so, the accusation of him being “out of touch” with the American people is given full credibility and attention.

They are also so incensed that they’ve imagined that every Friday, every single Muslim in the whole world gets together on some version of terrorist Skype and we formulate plans for symbolic world domination.  Like, we all sit around on Friday night, by the dim light of our burning American flags, coming up with names for a mosque that we plan to build on ground zero… I know!! Let’s call it Cordoba after the place where we got our butts kicked by the Christians back in the 13th century… that’ll teach them.

You should have been there, I tell you, it was just amazing how ALL ONE BILLION OF US agreed on this in just a matter of minutes!!

Look.  Today, instead of my proselytizing about freedom, humanistic ideals and interfaith understanding, I’d like to offer an invitation.

I invite this incensed someone to state their opinion in a respectful and concise manner.

I would like you to tell me why, as your fellow American, I am not allowed to build a place a worship wherever I am legally able to do so.

I also ask readers to treat this commenter with respect if you choose to engage in a discussion, and to keep in mind that no person is defined by a single opinion.  In other words, please don’t use words like “stupid” or “dumb.”

I also invite you to twitter or Facebook this post, so that the entire Internet can come here and respectfully explain to me exactly why a Muslim American should have less rights than a non-Muslim American.

I offer this invitation because I sincerely would like to know the rationale.

And I would like them to tell me to my virtual face.

I won’t even try to change their minds.  Because, honestly, I don’t think it’s possible.

I’d just like to know what I’m up against.

I just want to mention some good news today.  Because I was so deep and dark yesterday.

• “India unveils ‘laptop’ costing $35 (The Guardian, 7/23/10)

While we might scratch our heads and say why would anybody want a $35 laptop, it would be good to keep in mind that about 86% of Indians live on less than $2 a day.  The down side to all this is that I’m now feeling even guiltier about what I paid for my MacBook.

• Butterflies: out of the blue (The Guardian, 7/18/10)

The Blue Butterfly is back in Britain, baby!! Yeah!! ::Read aloud in a bad Austin Powers impersonation for full effect::

Enterprising conservationists were able to bring this species back from extinction.  (Did I use the word “species” there correctly?)  Anyway, this makes me feel better about the future as well as being a human… being.  We might mess stuff up, but, we can fix stuff, too.  I know, that was deep, yo.

• “Leonardo DiCaprio In ‘Rolling Stone’: Shirtless & Talking Women (Huffington Post, 7/21/10)

I know, are the women talking and shirtless?  No, actually, Leonardo DiCaprio took his shirt off.  And this?  Is always good news.  Come on.  You know you want to look.  And, yes, this is TOO news of international proportions.

• “Refusing to Quit the Tour de France” (The Lede, NYT, 07/21/10)

Good for him.  It’s taking a lot of energy for me NOT to write something sarcastic about how blood spurting from your arm is a good excuse to stop and clearly this man has some acute form of a mental illness.  Oops.

So?  What good news did you hear about?  Or bad?  Feel free to join in.

If I went to an office every day, my water cooler talk would not be about how Sarah in accounting hooked up with James from Human Resources.

I would change the face of water cooler talk forever.

It would go a little something like this:

• “US Uses Facebook to Sow Unrest, China Group alleges” (07/09/10 Huffington Post)

This is absolutely true.  I, personally, am friends with Premier Wen and have received 42 Mafia Wars notifications, 18 Farmville requests and 435 quizzes, one of which asked me what kind of pastry would I be.  I found out I was a mocha chocolate cake, and that made me hate communism.

• “Casey: U.S. Could be at War Another Decade (07/10/10 CBS News)”

Look, I know people from Afghanistan who couldn’t hack it in Afghanistan for ten minutes let alone ten years.  Now, Gen. Casey is saying our soldiers might be there for another ten years?!  No, wait.  No, he didn’t.  Oh, stop, wait, he did.  No, he said maybe.  Nooo, he… wait, what were we talking about?  Somebody call Ken Starr.  We clearly need something inane to distract us from trying to make sense of any of this.

• “Spain Wins World Cup” (07/11/10 Washington Post)

Yeah?  Great.  Even better?  I am no longer a World Cup widow.

• “France BURQA BAN: French Parliament Approves Ban On Face Veils (07/13/10 Huffington Post)”

Misguided, misdirected, and racist.  And deserving of an entire post.  Stay tuned.

• “Congo-Kinshasa: When Thousands Suddenly Take Flight (07/15/10 All Africa)”

I subscribe to CNN News, Huffington Post, and The Guardian, but had to google “Africa,” “Congo” and “news” to get an update on what’s happening in Congo.  Fifty thousand people displaced since June 28 and I had to go looking for it to read about it.  This?  Is not right.

• “Maastricht ban on tourists in marijuana cafes upheld by EU court (Today in the Guardian)”
  

It’s a sad, sad day for jetsetting potheads all over the EU.

Want to share any headlines and your thoughts? Then, please, feel free to engage in the loftiest brand of water cooler talk ever in the comments section…

Suspension of disbelief.

It’s what keeps you reading a novel or watching a movie even though ridiculously some kid has just been shipped off to wizarding school for the fourth year in a row.  You put aside the part of your brain that tells you that only crazy people believe in wizarding school so that you can enjoy the deeper contexts and experiences of the events and characters in question.

On the other hand, when traveling to another nation with a culture phenomenally and quite possibly diametrically positioned against your own, you must employ suspension of belief.

You have to forget who you are for a while if your traveling is going to make any significant difference in the way you think and approach the world.

Ugly American.  You’ve heard the term.  It conjures up that image of a slightly overweight woman in a tank top and shorts standing in front of the Louvre screaming about how the McDonald’s in Paris doesn’t put enough ice in their sorry excuse for a large Coke.

What most people don’t acknowledge is that most tourists from everywhere are “ugly” like this.  By virtue of living in the Central Florida area and by understanding several languages well enough, I know that there are multiple iterations of that Coke analogy and that they’re offered by a disparate number of nationalities.

And every complaint boils down to the same thing, “Why can’t these people be more like us?”

When one visits a new culture, they should suspend what they believe about themselves, how they think things ought to be, and who others ought to be.

It’s critical to the definition of “worldly” or “well traveled”.

In fact, if a person can’t do this, it’s a complete waste of money for them to travel.  They should just stay home until they have a true sense of how other cultures can imbue one with new found wisdom instead of assuming that they only exist to reinforce an internal sense of superiority about your own way of life.  I recommend watching Anthony Bourdain.  He seems to have it all figured out.

How was my trip to Saudi Arabia?

It was fantastic.

And mostly because I didn’t stop to think about how they were doing it all wrong and why or how they should be different.  I examined the society there and tried really hard to understand why they did things the way they did.  I truly attempted to get a sense of who they were.

Now, I know what some people are thinking as they read this, “Well, you’re Muslim, and it’s a Muslim country, so how much adjusting did you actually have to do… not much…”  Not true.  I am an American Muslim of Pakistani heritage.  And there is a significant difference between the way that I view the world, God and just about everything else and the way a typical Saudi Arabian might.

There were moments in Saudi where I caught myself donning the cloak of judgment and weighing my cultural practice over theirs, but I would immediately stop myself.

I told myself, I will accept these people and this culture in this moment so that I can truly get a sense of who they are.  I will reserve judgment until I am confident that I know them.  I will not walk away from this with one simplified and discrete opinion.  I will recognize that there is much more to this country than I can begin to understand or experience in three weeks.  I will accept that there is some measure of wisdom in their practices.  This place will make me better than before.

Now, I am not Pollyanna.  I know and you know that there are injustices that are occurring in Saudi Arabia.  Still, my feeling is and has always been that we should worry about our injustices and let them worry about theirs.  For now, anyway.

When we are perfect and great and awesome and everyone here loves and respects each other, then we can go over there and fix them.

We might find at that point, though, we’ve been confusing “saving them” with “changing them.”  And we might find that they don’t want to change and that they’re fine with the way things are.  We also might find that the way they do things over there has less to do with our general safety in the world than we might think.  We might find these things out if we suspend our own beliefs long enough to really find out who they are.

See, you and I, Americans that we are, we love our freedom, and our choices, and our individuality, and our sense of being unique and our God given right to complain and fight when just one of ninety nine of us isn’t getting their due.

Sometimes, we forget, though, that everyone else doesn’t see it that way.

Some cultures value structure over choice, the community over the individual and God over the exceptionality.  It’s hard for us to understand and accept these different approaches, but I think we have it in us to, at the very least, acknowledge that there’s more than one way to build a functioning society.

And who is right?  I cannot and will not presume.  I, having only been there for three weeks, do not have enough information to confidently dismiss another person’s entire way of life.  I would hope that people who have never even been there will realize what my ambiguity means for them and the precarious conviction which with they judge this country and others.

Basically, I’m just hoping that people will stop thinking, “Why aren’t they like us?”

Because we all know that this thought eventually becomes, “You should be like us.”

And then it becomes, “You will be like us.”

And, you know what will be the absolute last thing they will want then?

Is to be anything is like us.

Seek first to understand and then to be understood.  Remember, an American* first said that.

*If memory serves, it was Stephen Covey.