While it all sounded exciting on paper, as the date got closer and closer, trepidation became outright anxiety.

I hate leaving my kids with someone else, even their dad, who is the greatest dad ever and for the record can totally take care of them without my help.

It’s because I’m filled with so much need to control every aspect of their lives, cough, love for them, I think.

But I’m going.  They’ll be fine.  I’ll be fine.  I want to go.

I am going.

And it’s a good thing because last week, I was informed that my writing will be recognized at the conference in a very special and highly public way.

Apparently, out of around 1000 submissions of various bloggers, 90 finalists were chosen, and out of those 90, 15 of us were chosen to read their submissions at the Keynote.

I’m one of those fifteen.

OHMYGOD!!!!!!!!

I realized this was a big deal when my very dear friend, Britt, who ranks among the 90 finalists and is very famous on the Internet, screamed, I HATE YOU!!! upon finding out I was chosen to read my post aloud.

The great thing about being friends with Britt is that if you want to know whether or not something that’s happened to you is a big deal or not, you just have to wait for that I HATE YOU!! and then you know it’s a big deal.  I HATE YOU!! in Britt-speak means, I am so incredibly proud of you that I want to weep sweet tears of joy.

It’s a complicated and highly nuanced language.

So, my dear friends, you are now reading the blog of a BlogHer Voice of the Year.

I want a take a moment to thank a few people who need to be recognized for their incredible contribution to my blog.

I started this blog a little less than three years ago, just to get my voice out there, just so I could feel heard.  As any blogger knows, those initial posts were sparse on the comments.

We can all say it’s about the writing and expression, but deep down we know the comments let us know someone is listening… in the beginning, it let me know someone cared.

Tariq, Adam, Britt, Sybil Law, B.E. Earl, futurowoman, Mr. & Mrs. Traci, Mr. & Mrs. Shabina and RW?

In the beginning, it was you that made me feel heard and let me know that someone cared and that someone was reading.  Your regular commentary propelled me in such a way that I began to grow as a blogger, as a writer and as a person.  Even now, when I write a post, you are the first ones whose opinion I consider.  Then, of course, I write whatever I want even if I think you’re going to hate it.

But you are still the ones I think of first.

This Voice of the Year thing?  You helped me get here.   So much so, that I would say that I would not be here if it weren’t for you.  So, thank you.

That said, every single person that has ever read or commented on this blog is also very important to me.  If I had the time, I would list each of your names, as well.

You are the ones that continue make me feel heard and thus each of you fulfill a very important role in my every day life.  You are my anchors when I am adrift in a perceived state of loneliness.

So, thank you for reading.

I appreciate you and honor each of you as well for having contributed in a very important way to my receiving this opportunity to present my work.

(I’d also like to thank God without which none of this would be possible, the Academy and David Boreanaz.)

(Trite and expected, but completely necessary.)

(Well, the David Boreanaz thing was a little unexpected, right?)

Or, maybe you just actually (gasp!) called them and said, “I’m sorry, but I don’t feel like we’re friends anymore or we can be friends anymore, so I wish you well, but…”

I remember that time.

It was a time of courage.  A time where people had to stand by their actions and face the music by actually seeing the hurt they were inflicting staring back at them from someone’s eyes or hearing the pain they were causing resonate in a human voice.

Before un-friending, un-following, unsubscribing and blocking.

There’s an unspoken idea floating around in the social media and blogging world that now that everyone and their mom is online, somehow the rules of human behavior, shows of mutual respect and general courtesy have drastically changed.

My friends?  I submit that this notion is just amateur, and that deep down inside we all know it.

You know that little “what-if” game people play about traffic lights?

Would you cross a red light if there was absolutely no one around?

No.

What if you were hurt?

Probably not.

What if there was a woman in the car who was about to have a baby?

Yeah, okay, well.  Yes, then I would.

The game goes on and on until the person says yes with total conviction.

It’s an exercise in determining the limits of your own behavior.

And it’s not only fun, but extremely useful.

In those moments, when nobody is watching you and you don’t have to face up to any major consequences, the things you do matter the most.  Your deeds in those moments exist as unequivocal proof of who you really and truly are.

Are you kind because you’re afraid of being perceived by others as mean or are you a truly kind person?

That difference matters.  A lot.

Kindness and courage mean little if their employment depends upon the approval of others.  Then, they are simply the mirages of a person who has built their whole persona around the fickle opinions of other people.

And, in my opinion, that is not a very evolved way to live.

I will go so far as to say that your actions when you think no one else is watching reflect more about you than anything else.

I have seen people online say terrible things because they think nobody will notice or find out it was them.

Like call someone horrible names.

Like pontificate on the impending collapse of a marriage.

Like make fun of someone’s appearance, race, or beliefs.

Like say that someone is a bad parent or, worse, make fun of their children.

Like tell someone to go kill themselves.

Sometimes, these things are said under the guise of a pseudonym, but it doesn’t matter.

These words and actions are still who these people really truly are.  Even if nobody but them knows it, it doesn’t matter.  In fact, the use of a pseudonym just makes them more of a coward.

The Internet is not a free pass to be a jerk.

And, oh?  It is also not an excuse to take the easy way out of an offline relationship.

Online or offline, we are not acting in a vacuum.  Someone else is always being affected by our actions.  The fact that we no longer have to face a person while, during or after we’ve done something is completely inconsequential on the karmic balance sheet.

I’m also not saying here that you should never un-friend someone, un-follow or e-mail a goodbye.  I’m just saying that the rules of the Internet are not different than the rules of real life.

Some people deserve an explanation, some do not.  Carefully consider who falls into which category.  And, personally, when in doubt, I believe it’s always best to just pick up the phone or stop by at their place.  But, I have a pesky little admiration for courageous behavior.

The Internet, MySpace, Facebook, Twitter and the like are not a separate worlds where we get to say and do whatever we want without fully acknowledging the potential harm of our words.

They are part of the world we live in.

We are accountable on every level.

Even if it is only to ourselves.

As I thought about writing this post, I tried to come up with something funny and clever that would reflect the teasing and cynicism that’s inherent to the relationship of a brother and sister.

But I couldn’t.  The older I get, the more I realize that there’s nothing funny or cynical about my relationship with my brother.

Because true love?  Is not funny.  And it demands more respect that can be offered by sarcastic quips and cynical commentary.

The way I feel about him is true love in every sense of the word.

We are soul mates.

We belong together, so much so, in fact, that God chose to bind us by not only our hearts but our blood, as well.

On this, your thirty second birthday, dear brother, I will tell you (and the Internet!) some things I have neglected to say until now.

I will set aside the role of elder sibling and replace sarcasm with truth.  No jokes.  No teasing.  Because everybody deserves a little unadulterated truth on their birthday, at the very least.

You are caring, humble and wise.   You are loving, sensitive and kind.  At the same time, you are strong, unafraid and ambitious.  You are a rare combination of all the traits that make me proud to be a human being.

Sibling rivalry?

No.  I could not rival you.  I could not rival your utter endurance for life.  I cannot fathom the courage you have had to employ to become the person you are today.  You represent a personal standard of achievement in many ways for me.

At my absolute darkest moments, you are the person that I seek.  You are the one who I know, no matter what, will understand me.
At my most glorious moments, you are the person I call.  You are the one person who will truly appreciate the extent of my achievement.

And every day, though you are not here, I need only look into the mirror and see your eyes looking back at me.

At that moment, I know… you are here with me.  Always.

And?  Yes.  This is your present.

Can “funny” be learned?  I don’t know.  Funny is the transmission of happiness.  Or the clever transmission of sadness in some cases.

Do you think this guy gets a lot of laughs?  Or… dates? (FB readers, go to my blog for a video. And then go get a feedreader.)

Yes, yes it is.

“The wind is blowing, it’ll irritate my allergies.”

Yep.

“The baby is not in a good mood.  He’s probably going to cry the whole time.”

He probably will.

“I just went yesterday.”

Uh-huh, you sure did.

“No, but, really, it’s hot outside, it’s like a hundred degrees…”

I know, it totally is.

“My knee/hip/foot hurts.”

It sure does.

“It’s raining and I hate walking on the treadmill inside.”

The treadmill is the work of the devil.

“I don’t have any clean clothes.”

Not a single.item.clean.

“I spent all day at home because the four year old was sick and it’s already five o’clock and I still have to set the table and clean up…”

You sure do.  And?  Those dishes sure aren’t going to wash themselves.

“I haven’t blogged in over twenty days.”

I know, people probably don’t even remember who you are anymore.

***

Every day I have this conversation.  The whole thing.  In my head.  With myself.

Where have I been?  Walking.  Walking.  Annnd walking.  5K, 8K, or 10K.  Every.single.day…. except.Friday.

There are a thousand reasons not to do something.

But, if the one reason to go ahead and “just do it” is more important than the thousands not to do it, then, you know… you can do it.

My reason?  Me.

I am first.  I will take care of me first.  Because I deserve it. Because I need to.  Because I want to.

::Repeat until said with total conviction::

I know a couple of you may have just flinched (hi, mom!) because you know I’m a mom and a wife, and you might think this sounds selfish.

But you know what?

::Deep breath::

You are dead wrong.

To acknowledge the needs of others in a healthy and appropriate way, one must address and fulfill their own needs.

Even on the most basic level, I see parents neglect themselves all the while blaming their kids, or spouse, or whomever they can justify.

What did those poor souls do to deserve the burden of that kind of guilt?

I think it’s harmful, and dare I say, it’s wrong to convey a message that essentially says, “Your presence in my life is such a gigantic obligation that I cannot take care of myself.”  Mostly because it’s rarely true.

Because, as I look over my little dialogue of excuses, I realize that very little of my reasons have anything to do with the people under my care and more to do with… the avoidance of discomfort.

Yikes, people.

There is little joy in accepting gifts that have made the giver poor.

* No clothes were washed in the making of this post.

** The above post was, however, typed while nursing a baby, watching the best princess shoe fashion show ever and composing an e-mail.