Despite the fact that I’m some sort of savant when it comes to eliminating discrepancy, I’ve realized it’s impossible to do so in normal, daily living. So, instead of viewing discrepancies between behavior and values as problems, I view them as opportunities for growth.
This is a much healthier approach, by the way, than the one I utilized in my 20s that went something like, “I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON, WHY ISN’T ANYTHING I DO EVER, EVER GOOD ENOUGH?!”
Several weeks ago, I wrote a post called “Edit Your Life and Keep Your Shoes” inspired by a TED talk by Graham Hill called, “Less Stuff, More Hapiness.” Arguing that the greatest skill in the 21st century is the ability to edit one’s life, Hill suggests that we focus on trying to minimize the amount of things we have in order to better live our values.
That’s why we downsized our living space (and consequently personal possessions) by about 70% when we moved to Memphis. A few weeks ago, I realized that there’s only one other family in this building besides us, and I assume this is because people believe that a family needs lots of space. I can understand that, but I think that actually depends more on the the people in charge of that family than the number of people in it.
I realized this year that too much space and too many things in this family ultimately creates situations that are in direct contradiction with our family mission statement. Our family mission statement? Why, I’m glad you asked:
We are compassionate, positive social contributors who value cooperation, coexistence and conscientious living.
It is possible for a family to be all that and live in large home full of things.
It is simply not possible for Tariq and I to sustain a family like that in a large home full of things. Yet. If there were live in maids and handymen, it would be a completely different story.
I am horrible at multitasking and a total neat freak.
Tariq is mentally incapable of sitting down unless eating or going to the bathroom or downloading a movie on his iPad.
Mathematically speaking…
Big House + Lots of Stuff + (My perfectionism * Tariq’s Hyperactivity) =
(WEEKEND OF A MILLION ERRANDS * PICKING THINGS UP OFF THE FLOOR)^INFINITY AND BEYOND.
Every family’s values and limitations are different. Those are ours.
I do often wonder, though, how many people in the world question the major life decisions they make that are seemingly the result of a predetermined natural progression?
In other words, how many people even bother to challenge the whole “grow up, get a job, get married, have kids, buy house, send kids to college, cry sweet tears of joy while singing, ‘Free at last, free at last,’ retire in Bora Bora, get too senile to care for yourself and move into your son’s spare bedroom” thing?
Relaaax, I don’t prefer my son or anything, it’s just that I can already tell which one of these kids is going to have a sense of humor about our impending senility.
Taking that a step forward, I also wonder how much of our politics, faith and identity are a result of conscientious choices?
For me, somewhere in my late teens, I started emptying out all of the political, social, religious and cultural identities that had been placed in my head. (Read: fought with my parents and partied A LOT). In subsequent years, I formulated an idea of who I would like to be and slowly reintroduced objective and reconfigured versions of these identities (and whole new ones) back into my life based upon values I’d conscientiously identified.
I can honestly say that who I am today is a reflection of that process.
Okay, like ninety-five percent of the time, I just can’t quit you, Jersey Shore, disposable diapers, Diet Coke and David Tutero.
It occurred to me this morning, that I may be taking for granted that everyone does that.
Do they?
As a natural rebel, I definitely went against almost everything and every way I was raised, and did it purposefully, to finally come around to who I am, now. The tricky and important part is to like who you are the whole time, regardless of what notions you subscribe to.
You can have the Jersey Shore, though.
Liking yourself is the key. Well said.
I don’t know that everyone does this consciously. Certainly many people choose to perpetuate cycles of living that they learn from their family of origin, for better or for worse. Personally, despite my own propensity to navel-gaze, I have come around verry slooowly to the realization that I am an adult who has blazed her own path.
Actually? This is exactly how I feel, too. I always assumed I was just following a set path and one day I looked up and realized that I’d created something unique.
I rebelled at a young age, determined to be single and adopt six Amerasian children (this was just after the end of the Vietnam war and those children were offspring of soldiers and Vietnamese women, and many of them were the same age I was at the time).
At some point I just folded and started doing the things I was “supposed” to do. I hated it, so stopped doing it. Unfortunately I was already married and had just had my decidedly NOT Ameriasian child so I had to make adjustments.
Things never quite turn out the way we imagine. Sometimes that can be a blessing, too.
I suspect that if everyone were making conscientious choices about their paths and goals, there would be far fewer angst ridden bloggers and significantly fewer self-help books on the shelves…
I suspect you’re right. Your thought, for some reason, is leading me to take apart how self awareness develops in the first place — is it taught or is it the result of a quest to find power as a result of tribulation or maybe a little of both… The angsty bloggers notwithstanding, the personal development books at least reflect the desire of some people to be better. That counts for something, I think.
i think that is true. Self Help books alone will not help at all – most forget to implement anyway. But they do show you have something in you that makes you want to “be” something else or at least you are off key. I think Self awarness starts a lot earlier than we think.
I have a hard time not trying to do what I think will make my parents proud of me, since 1) I’m the oldest, 2) my only sibling is an alcoholic fuck up, and 3) it usually makes me happy, too.
But now you’ve got me worried about the house we’re supposed to close on in 2 days that’s > 3.5 times the size of our last home.
Of course, I do need space to hide all the bodies.
I was all set to offer a solid and well thought answer until I read that last sentence.
HAHAHAHAHA
Well played, sir, well played.
I was never one for the Rebel Yell…more like the Rebel Whisper.
I find that this is the most effective and lasting route to real rebellion.
They who shout are not heard for long – only in the moment of the scream.
this is the best thing I have read in a long time, and pretty much encompasses the way I live my life. Not always by choice, but more by fear. Still, I never allow anyone to completely silence the influence of counterculture. Hence, the whisper.
I can’t honestly say there’s a formula for determining how much of our politics, faith and identity are a result of conscientious choices. The answer would not be static throughout any sampling. For myself I find that those three things, relative to myself, are largely the result of the visceral as well as the comparative. I have a visceral reaction against the death penalty, for example. I look at some of the people who think Sarah Palin is some sort of special and react in a way that makes it obvious I don’t want to be seen in the same room with them, let alone lumped with them into the same box. So on a certain level it is all about physical reaction. Republicans, for example, make me want to wretch. So there is that. And all of this physical lurching has led me into the crowd I identify with and can identify myself as; a Quaker with an affinity for the underdog.
But re-reading your “secrets of adulthood” as led to just now by this link that sort of appeared out of nowhere, I was wondering when I’m going to know you befriended me, just like that one about the books says…
We’ve been friends for nearly four years, RW. I knew you were kind of old, but I didn’t think your memory was going to go this fast.
I don’t know that EVERYBODY does this, but I think that many people do. In my own life, I broke away from my parents organized religion when I was thirteen, went on a five year spiritual bender trying to find the one that I thought reflected my beliefs, settled into agnostic and eventually found my inner atheist. I didn’t get my driver’s license until I was almost 19, because I wasn’t ready for the responsibility. I still have never had a credit card in my name. I conscientiously spent the years from 14-24 having all the unruly fun I could, knowing that the person I wanted to be as a grown-up wasn’t still doing the things I was recklessly doing as an adolescent. When I started my family, I sat down and thought over what values were important for me to raise that family with, and I chose Pete because his values were in line with mine, as were his intended methods. (And he is easy to fall in love with, I do it almost every day.) And while I may not match up to my neighbors on my chosen values, I am proud of who I am, what my family is like, and how we live our life.
Honestly? Though our results and values are mostly different, it’s very cool that our path was the same.
I think everyone does this on some level, at some point. Some people do it to a more intense degree, or maybe more than once. Some people are just more self reflective and AWARE of what they’re doing.
In my experience, even the people who appear to be going along doing what they’re supposed to have questioned their actions more than many of us might guess.
Absolutely. In fact, I think for people who don’t know me very well, I probably fall into that category of “the people who appear to be going along doing what they’re supposed to.” The people who do know me are just tired of being on the phone for two hours hearing about whether or not I should be doing it.
Hello Faiqa, it has been a while! I see that Native Born is alive and well, and your writing is as outstanding as ever.
I kinda sorta got stuck on the statement that your family has a mission statement. Talk about deliberate living! Good for you. I wonder what ours would be if we wrote one.
Something to think about. . .
I know it sounds so cheesy, but it really comes in handy in situations where the shades of gray around a decision make it very hard to decide on what’s best for the kids or ourselves. Also, it can help out a lot when we differ in opinion on what the best thing to do for our family is.
I like the idea … will bring it up at the dinner table – even if our family is man+woman+dog … i think we shoudl have one.
Although it’s not a conscious decision, for the most part I only do what I want to do, not what I’m expected to do. I mean I pay my bills mostly on time when I remember (I really need an assistant for that) and I try to be congnizant of the fact that I don’t live alone and therefore can’t have it my way *all* the time because apparently someone hasn’t gotten the memo that I am Supreme Ruler and should have her way in all things. Bygones. Somewhere along the way, though, I lost that sense of obligation I used to carry to do what was expected of me. Mostly I do this in small ways, but I also do it in bigger ways like not living in a typical house in a typical suburb, and marrying an artist/dreamer/free thinker. I wish I had let go of fears earlier in my life and gone my own way sooner, but I’m slowly getting around to the person I want to be.