Change starts with you.
Recycling and heightened political awareness are really important. But you know what can have the most impact on making this world a better place? Who you are and how you treat others.
Here are four things you can do today that might not have an immediate effect on world peace, but represent a good start. Plus? Easier than composting.
1. Break up with your smart phone. You don’t have to get rid of it, but, OHMYGOODNESS, just put it away for a minute. Listen to me. LISTEN TO ME. You do not need to check your e-mail that much. The people in the room deserve your attention more than the people on Twitter. How about hugging a kid instead of telling Facebook how awesome s/he is? Pulling out a phone in a social situation tells every single person in the room that they are less important than what is on your phone. People who feel important, validated and loved through direct attention and contact are less likely to mistreat others. My daughter once observed when trying to figure out why people fight wars: I think it’s because they aren’t hugged enough.
2. Speaking a foreign language is less important than knowing what to say, when to say it and how to say it in the language you already speak. I think ham is disgusting. Like, makes-me-sick-okay-actually-makes-me-want-to-puke-my-guts-all-over-the-place disgusting. Despite this disgust, I would never tell someone eating a ham sandwich that their food is disgusting. There are times that “being honest” is about helping someone and there are times when it’s about not being able to keep your mouth shut. Know the difference.
3. Seek out difference and see the value in it. In addition to feeling safe, being friends with people who think like me, look like me and believe the same things that I do strengthens my conviction in what I already believe. This is terrific until the people I share beliefs with start dehumanizing people who believe or look differently than us and decide it’s okay to enslave them to pick cotton, steal their land, send them to concentration camps, blow up their buildings or point nuclear weapons at them.
4. The fight for justice is a war, not a battle. You don’t have to be quiet when someone says something grossly intolerant. You also don’t have to be rude. Say I hear someone say “Jews are cheap” (yes, that’s happened). There are three ways I can go: (1) say nothing, (2) ask them if jackasses eat special jackass food or (3) indicate politely that I know Jewish people who shop at high end department stores and rarely visit the discount section when they’re there. I don’t want to be the great racism avenger who obliterates people with laser beams of justice. I just want to help someone understand that some Jewish people can actually be bad with money, and it’s intellectually limiting to assume otherwise. You want people to be thoughtful and compassionate? You be thoughtful and compassionate. Predicating conversations on shaming others for what may be a function of economics, geography or education does nothing to create peaceful coexistence plus has the side effect of making everyone in the room feel completely awkward. And you can’t be awkward and have world peace. It’s, like, a scientific fact and stuff.
What are some other things you think we can do right now to make the world a better place?
I put this on my Facebook page a couple of weeks ago, and I think it sums things up perfectly:
Nice one Megan. Sam Harris is personal hero of mine. He’s so good at making points on contentious issues politely.
I like that quote, because it echoes something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. Everyone sees things differently. You and I can have completely different morals, but still be basically good people. I tend to see the grey of things, so I personally have a hard time saying, “X is right and Y is wrong, so I’m right and you’re wrong.”
I really, really like that quote. I may even get it tattooed on me.
This is one of the reasons that despite the fact that I actively identify with a religious community, I seldom identify myself as “religious.” All that emphasis on what is good versus what is evil seems to completely bypass what I think the fundamental point of many world religions seem to be: take care of yourself, and take care of other people.
The world needs more of this kind of thinking, Faiqa.
I reallyl ike that point of view. Religion and Spirituality are two different things.
great post, faiqa.
one of my happiest moments came when after silently hating when my cousin would take much less than urgent phone calls when we were out at restaurants, she finally used (word for word!) the line i do in such situations. it gave respect to others at the table, let the caller know that they were important to her and satisfied her curiosity all with a simple, “hey, i’m at a restaurant with friends and don’t want to be rude by talking on the phone, can i call you back later?” my heart soared. all it took was my example and just once saying, “why do you come to dinner with me only to sit and talk to your friends instead of just going to dinner with them?” she truly had no clue how her friendly intentions were being interpreted. i think this is so true in so many situations. lead by example and honest communication.
Perfect.
Smile at someone you don’t like. If nothing else, it will confuse them.
You know the scowling youth we often encounter on the streets? Smile at them! I find their reaction is always a return smile.
It’s true. I was once at a park with my son and the only other people there were a brood of rough looking teenagers. As they passed by where we were playing, I smiled at them and the one with a pierced eyebrow looked at me and said, “Good afternoon, ma’am” in an incredibly polite tone (not remotely sarcastic). It was a lovely experience.
Heh. Good one. I do that all the time.
Yes. Yes. Yes. and Yes.
How about “Ask more. Then listen with the intention to increase your understanding, not with the intention of adding your own point of view.” Sometimes we just need to shut our mouths and open our ears.
Love it. Tariq was just telling me about something he learned today… he said some people listen so they can argue others to add and even fewer listen to understand. This is something I struggle with… I don’t listen to argue, but I definitely listen to add. I wonder how much I have missed out on learning by doing that.
#5 Point people in the direction of this blog. Always insightful, thoughtful, and accessible.
Great post, per usual.
Oh, now you’re just making me blush. Thanks.
“special jackass food…”
*snicker*
Gotta say, I’m *pretty* proud of that one.
Jackasses eat special jackass food? Cannibals!
Love this post, Faiqa. LOVE IT LOTS.
Hee hee… cannibals make me laugh. That’s not strange, is it?
#6- count to 10 before responding to someone who has just said something stupid.
I hope I can contribute even if I don’t practice #6.
1…2…3…4…heh.
I’m making the world better by reading your blog!
And, by being generally awesome.
It’s true. You’re totally generally awesome. And reading my blog. Double trouble.
I think this is excellent. #4 brings up a question and I wonder if you have some coaching/advice you could give. I have a family member (I do not care for her – we’ll call her Dee) who regularly makes horrible, hateful, anti-gay statements. I also have many, many dearly beloved family members (other side of the family) and close friends who are gay. When Dee says horrible things about the people I love, my insides roil, but I never know what to say. Sometimes I just want to slam her face into a wall. I always end up keeping my mouth shut and leaving the room, and then I hate myself. What could I say that would be thoughtful and compassionate, but also get her to shut the EFF up?
Been there. If your family member is aware that you find these statements reprehensible and hurtful, then this isn’t even about her being homophobic — it’s about a lack of respect for your feelings/values. I would politely remind her that she’s being hurtful. That this isn’t about whether she hates gay people or not, but about her respecting your values. And, this may seem harsh, but there is no relationship on this earth that is worth your having to tolerate a lack of respect for your feelings and beliefs. If she *doesn’t* know how you feel, I’d speak up in a kind way. Perhaps not make it about her lack of tolerance or bigotry, but about how it makes you feel when people you care for are derided in a negative way. I find it’s way easier to soften someone’s heart when you look them in the eye and say, “What you are doing is painful for ME.” And again, if that leaves them unfazed, I wonder how worth it is this relationship… one where the person doesn’t care enough to stop hurting you?
That’s awesome advice and I’m kind of embarrassed that it never occurred to me to handle it that way. Thank you for the guidance. I will keep this in mind when I see her over Thanksgiving. You’re the best!
Ah, don’t be embarrassed. I think it’s easy to dole out advice when someone is removed from the situation, you know? It’s harder to be clear on action when you’re right in the middle of feeling.
Yeah, this post is great and all, but where is the post about modesty!! I’m writing about it now and wanted to link to you and STILL NOTHING.
It’s like you don’t do what I say at all.
Wait. Did I just violate one of these suggestions?
This whole post was about you, dude. Snort.
So does number three count for friends who haven’t replied to your most recent email? Can you still love them despite their letter-responding faults?
Maybe that should make it on the list too. XOXO H
Definitely. Some people are just worth it. XO
Break up with your smart phone.
It makes me crazy when I am hanging out with someone and they are constantly replying to texts, tweeting, and posting Facebook statuses. It makes me want to scream, “Hello! I am actually here with you!”
Admittedly, I have developed a habit of tweeting when I’m with people, too, and — perhaps disgustingly so — didn’t realize it until reading this and saying, “Wait… I started doing that, too, not too long ago… Ruh-roh…”
I refuse to allow myself to do it any longer.
Speaking a foreign language is less important than knowing what to say, when to say it and how to say it in the language you already speak.
These things hurt, and most of the time, the people saying them don’t even realize that they are being hurtful. When I worked at my full-time job earlier this year, I would bring in store cooked and packaged chicken to add to my salads for lunch. It was roasted in Italian seasoning and smelled delicious, but for some reason the girls I worked with thought it smelled bad, and thought I needed to know. They loudly said, over and over throughout the day, “I smell hot dogs. EW.” It got so bad that our boss started saying it, too, and after bringing it in twice, I stopped bringing it… and spent a lot more time than normally necessary thinking about what to bring in for lunch so that they wouldn’t make any comments.
The thing is, we all say “ew” when someone is eating a food we don’t like, albeit usually innocently with a wink and smile: “Ew,” we giggle, and nudge the person eating it. “How can you eat that?” I think there is a line, but I’m not entirely sure where it is, so maybe it’s best to not say anything at all. Being considerate of other people’s feelings is always better than unintentionally hurting someone.
I definitely say “ew” to certain people when they’re eating something I don’t like. Okay, two people: Tariq and my brother. Because they need to be taken down a notch or two. It’s a public service, really.
Mike adds a lump of butter to pasta with sauce on it. It’s a crime, I tell you!
Throw away your kleenex after you blow your nose?
oh wait that’s a flower….
I don’t get. Are we blowing our nose with a flower? Or throwing our kleenex away after we blow the flower? Wait. WHAT?!
If you squint the flower looks like… oh never mind…
Beautiful! They are all beautiful ideas!
Thanks so much.
I would say, “Get enough sleep.” I know that sounds selfish, but I find I am a better person, more tolerant and generally nicer when I am well-rested. I wonder how many others are the same?
As for your jackass-dealing, my answer is also fairly calm, but usually ends the would-be-nastiness:
“That’s not my experience with ______.”
I am enjoying catching up on your blog.
Love this post! Totally going to be sharing it!