Despite the fact that I’m some sort of savant when it comes to eliminating discrepancy, I’ve realized it’s impossible to do so in normal, daily living. So, instead of viewing discrepancies between behavior and values as problems, I view them as opportunities for growth.
This is a much healthier approach, by the way, than the one I utilized in my 20s that went something like, “I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON, WHY ISN’T ANYTHING I DO EVER, EVER GOOD ENOUGH?!”
Several weeks ago, I wrote a post called “Edit Your Life and Keep Your Shoes” inspired by a TED talk by Graham Hill called, “Less Stuff, More Hapiness.” Arguing that the greatest skill in the 21st century is the ability to edit one’s life, Hill suggests that we focus on trying to minimize the amount of things we have in order to better live our values.
That’s why we downsized our living space (and consequently personal possessions) by about 70% when we moved to Memphis. A few weeks ago, I realized that there’s only one other family in this building besides us, and I assume this is because people believe that a family needs lots of space. I can understand that, but I think that actually depends more on the the people in charge of that family than the number of people in it.
I realized this year that too much space and too many things in this family ultimately creates situations that are in direct contradiction with our family mission statement. Our family mission statement? Why, I’m glad you asked:
We are compassionate, positive social contributors who value cooperation, coexistence and conscientious living.
It is possible for a family to be all that and live in large home full of things.
It is simply not possible for Tariq and I to sustain a family like that in a large home full of things. Yet. If there were live in maids and handymen, it would be a completely different story.
I am horrible at multitasking and a total neat freak.
Tariq is mentally incapable of sitting down unless eating or going to the bathroom or downloading a movie on his iPad.
Mathematically speaking…
Big House + Lots of Stuff + (My perfectionism * Tariq’s Hyperactivity) =
(WEEKEND OF A MILLION ERRANDS * PICKING THINGS UP OFF THE FLOOR)^INFINITY AND BEYOND.
Every family’s values and limitations are different. Those are ours.
I do often wonder, though, how many people in the world question the major life decisions they make that are seemingly the result of a predetermined natural progression?
In other words, how many people even bother to challenge the whole “grow up, get a job, get married, have kids, buy house, send kids to college, cry sweet tears of joy while singing, ‘Free at last, free at last,’ retire in Bora Bora, get too senile to care for yourself and move into your son’s spare bedroom” thing?
Relaaax, I don’t prefer my son or anything, it’s just that I can already tell which one of these kids is going to have a sense of humor about our impending senility.
Taking that a step forward, I also wonder how much of our politics, faith and identity are a result of conscientious choices?
For me, somewhere in my late teens, I started emptying out all of the political, social, religious and cultural identities that had been placed in my head. (Read: fought with my parents and partied A LOT). In subsequent years, I formulated an idea of who I would like to be and slowly reintroduced objective and reconfigured versions of these identities (and whole new ones) back into my life based upon values I’d conscientiously identified.
I can honestly say that who I am today is a reflection of that process.
Okay, like ninety-five percent of the time, I just can’t quit you, Jersey Shore, disposable diapers, Diet Coke and David Tutero.
It occurred to me this morning, that I may be taking for granted that everyone does that.
Do they?
Change starts with you.
Recycling and heightened political awareness are really important. But you know what can have the most impact on making this world a better place? Who you are and how you treat others.
Here are four things you can do today that might not have an immediate effect on world peace, but represent a good start. Plus? Easier than composting.
1. Break up with your smart phone. You don’t have to get rid of it, but, OHMYGOODNESS, just put it away for a minute. Listen to me. LISTEN TO ME. You do not need to check your e-mail that much. The people in the room deserve your attention more than the people on Twitter. How about hugging a kid instead of telling Facebook how awesome s/he is? Pulling out a phone in a social situation tells every single person in the room that they are less important than what is on your phone. People who feel important, validated and loved through direct attention and contact are less likely to mistreat others. My daughter once observed when trying to figure out why people fight wars: I think it’s because they aren’t hugged enough.
2. Speaking a foreign language is less important than knowing what to say, when to say it and how to say it in the language you already speak. I think ham is disgusting. Like, makes-me-sick-okay-actually-makes-me-want-to-puke-my-guts-all-over-the-place disgusting. Despite this disgust, I would never tell someone eating a ham sandwich that their food is disgusting. There are times that “being honest” is about helping someone and there are times when it’s about not being able to keep your mouth shut. Know the difference.
3. Seek out difference and see the value in it. In addition to feeling safe, being friends with people who think like me, look like me and believe the same things that I do strengthens my conviction in what I already believe. This is terrific until the people I share beliefs with start dehumanizing people who believe or look differently than us and decide it’s okay to enslave them to pick cotton, steal their land, send them to concentration camps, blow up their buildings or point nuclear weapons at them.
4. The fight for justice is a war, not a battle. You don’t have to be quiet when someone says something grossly intolerant. You also don’t have to be rude. Say I hear someone say “Jews are cheap” (yes, that’s happened). There are three ways I can go: (1) say nothing, (2) ask them if jackasses eat special jackass food or (3) indicate politely that I know Jewish people who shop at high end department stores and rarely visit the discount section when they’re there. I don’t want to be the great racism avenger who obliterates people with laser beams of justice. I just want to help someone understand that some Jewish people can actually be bad with money, and it’s intellectually limiting to assume otherwise. You want people to be thoughtful and compassionate? You be thoughtful and compassionate. Predicating conversations on shaming others for what may be a function of economics, geography or education does nothing to create peaceful coexistence plus has the side effect of making everyone in the room feel completely awkward. And you can’t be awkward and have world peace. It’s, like, a scientific fact and stuff.
What are some other things you think we can do right now to make the world a better place?
From the monthly archives: November 2011
