Tears come with caveats.
People think they are so very different from one another. Differences can justify why one person is more deserving of compassion than another. As if compassion is a finite resource.
I think we don’t cry enough. We don’t like to feel sad. We dislike it so much that we distract ourselves from it.
We carefully shroud our propensities for compassion in agenda, perceived injustice, intellectual curiosity, maybe even humor.
I can see the comfort in intellectualizing tragedy and suffering. The definitions, the explications, the ins and outs of the who, where, what, when and for God’s sake WHY?! distract us from a simple truth: pain, tragedy and senseless crap is the human condition.
It is not unique to any society, and, here’s the clincher, 99.999% of the time, nobody deserves it.
I feel the need to say this because I don’t know if people realize that while they sit on one side of the world refusing to shed tears or feel compassion for some innocent person in another country who was buried alive under the rubble of their own home, that another person is sitting across the world refusing to shed tears for a person who just happened to get on a flight or show up for work ten years ago today.
Nobody is collateral. Every death means something to someone. We have to stop talking about each other like that. We have to stop looking at each other like that.
We all think we’re fighting some kind of fight, like our withholding compassion for that poor person on the other side of the world translates into some grand gesture for the persons we lost and are losing over here. It’s not like that, and we don’t realize that because we immerse ourselves in sterile, intellectual experiences of grief instead of raw, emotional feeling.
We don’t cry, we discuss.
I don’t have “thoughts” about today. Not the ones people might expect, anyway.
I am just tired today.
Tired on this day of people talking about why this happened… tired of people defending, incriminating, accusing, pointing fingers, enveloping accusation and agenda in alternating cloaks of curiosity and tragedy… and I am just so tired of people making this day about all about their own thoughts.
Today, I’ve decided that I will only be sad.
Sad for the nearly 3,000 thousand people who lost their lives for no good reason ten years ago.
Sad for the 1300 children orphaned as a result of their deaths.
Sad for the 151,000 Iraqi civilians and soldiers who have been killed since 2003.
Sad as I look at 6,000 faces, many of them smiling, of dead U.S. soldiers.
Today, I won’t think about how this affected me, how it changed my life, or what it means for me. Those things will still be here tomorrow.
I will not make today about just me.
Today is about them.
Actually, no, that’s wrong.
Today is about you and me and them… us.
All of us.
Everywhere.
Today, I will mourn the continued existence of senselessness.
Of the absence of compassion.
If anyone asks me what I think about today… I will say,
“I’m not thinking at all today… today, I’m just sad.”
Maybe tomorrow will be different, but today it’s like that.
I feel exactly the same way Faiqa. Thank you for this, I was just telling my husband how scared I am about writing on this subject. Because to me every war, every life lost in a senseless conflict is equal.
@Stasha, I think if you express your opinion with respect, it will be fine. Every voice is important.
I’ve only cried. Cried all week. Mourned the terrible terrible loss. Thank you for crying with me. For all of the loss since that day.
@Amiee, I actually feel liberated by giving myself permission to cry… it’s far less exhausting than, well, talking about it, if that makes sense.
I had decided not to read anyone’s 9/11 posts — not because I don’t care, but because I don’t find any comfort or enrichment in doing so — but the teaser for yours caught my eye, and I’m really glad I clicked over.
You make a lot of really good points, but the one that is going to stick with me is this: Today, I will mourn the continued existence of senselessness.
Because whether it’s today or tomorrow or two more years from now, what happened is not going to change, only what we make of the opportunity to change the senselessness in our own world.
@Maura, I’m so glad you clicked over, and am kind of honored that you did.
It’s been 10 years, but the feelings are still pretty raw for me.
For the first time since 9/11 happened, I won’t be doing a blog post. I plan on honoring the victims by just living life today….for the 3,000+ people that don’t have that luxury anymore.
After hearing stories year after year from people I work with losing co-workers they sat next to or worked closely with, I am finding it hard to put those feelings and experiences into a blog post….I don’t feel like it does the victims and their families justice.
Know what I mean?
@Robin, I totally get it. I think it affects you on an entirely different level than it does those of us who didn’t directly experience it. A lot of people forget that survivors are often the most dramatically affected victims of a tragedy.
Yes. Today I will be sad.
But today, I will live in honor of those who can’t, because you never know what tomorrow will bring.
@Pgoodness, exactly this.
@Pgoodness, Agree.
Yes, Faiqa. YES.
I will be sad, but I will also be happy. My family is having a huge, multi-generational reunion today. Not because of 9/11, but because we have some out-of-town members here. It was just timing.
Today, I will be a little sad, but I will also celebrate future generations and past ones.
Peace to you, Faiqa.
@cagey (Kelli Oliver George), I think that’s a wonderful way to live this day.
Today I will just be sad with you.
@Lisa, XO
I too mourn the continued existence of senselessness. My daughter was shot in the back three weeks ago just because she was there. She tried to run away. Senseless killings are everywhere everyday. No one’s death is more important than any other’s. They were all loved by someone and are missed. I hate the tearless retoric and rationalization or rightness. Killing is wrong. Death is final.
@Ellen, I am so sorry. There are no words…
Sad pretty much covers it.
@Sybil Law, Except that it seems like people want to use so many more words to cover it.
It is telling that we seem to need to give ourselves permission to be sad. We finally got questions from the four year old about the day this year, thanks to ribbons on NFL uniforms. We did our best to explain it, and she said it sounded very sad. I wish everyone had the clarity of compassion that four year olds do.
I’m touched by your words. But especially these ones: “Today, I will mourn the continued existence of senselessness. Of the absence of compassion.”
Faiqa,
beautiful post. thank you.
i’d been meaning to read your stuff for a while, but finally took some time today to read and i’m just so proud to say something as trite as, “i know her from high school!” I had forgotten how well you write.
but this one is particularly poignant for me, I ache somewhere and sometimes I can’t always locate the pain. but it’s there. i think it will always be. of course, this is where i think compassion is born. but the more pain i see, the more i bear and the more it aches in places with no bruises. it is the mind that wishes it away and does all the rationalization, like software that does all the nice formatting. when all i feel is ink spilled onto a page, i say nothing, but it says most everything about how i feel. and this page is quite ruined. so thank you and thank you for sharing your gifts. looking forward to reading more.
peace,
david