Of all the lessons that I’ve learned the hard way, the most difficult has been humility.
First, my apologies to those who have already read the million posts in which I’ve mentioned what my name means in Arabic because I need to mention it again to those who haven’t read about that in order for the rest of this to make sense.
Faiqa means “excellent” or “superior.”
In my heritage, the meaning of a name is extremely important. It represents the aspiration and intention of those giving the name, and, excuse me for getting all mystical here, but I believe that a name sprinkles a soul with a little destiny, as well.
So, yes, this woman right here was born with a stamp placed upon her by those who ushered her into this world with the expectation of superiority and excellence. This expectation was not muted in every day life, it was open and intentional. It’s not an exaggeration to say that while other kids were hearing lullabies or nursery rhymes, a tune was whispered in my ear at every moment that went something along the lines of “You will be more because you are more, you are precious, you are chosen…”
And you know what? It worked.
I am excellent.
Whatever I have chosen to do, I have done it well, and I have unreservedly tried my damnedest to do it better than everyone else. I have met with mixed success, but I think the successes outweigh the failures by a long shot.
About ten years ago, though, I realized that this intentional and direct expectation of excellence was not at all a construction of my own, but one that belonged to somebody else. This realization was stunning and, frankly, mind numbing. My friends, if there is one thing that I hope for you, it is that you will never have to look at the achievements and labor behind a life that you’ve constructed only to find that it is not a product of your own values or what you believe to be true about the world.
For me, after sitting around on the couch for a few months, I dusted off the bits and pieces of the tower that had crashed on my head and decided to construct a new life and a new way of thinking. The crashing on my head, though, it left me with a deep sense of humility.
Why humility? Well, there’s nothing more eye opening than scaling spiraling towers of achievement only to find that you’re not actually a climber. See, say you’re a sailor, then you belong on the seas, right? Getting to the top of a mountain doesn’t mean much to a sailor.
Believe this sailor when she tells you that when she got to the top of a mountain, there was nothing more humbling than realizing that she was in the wrong place.
Since then, I have been sidetracked by well meaning advice, intentions and support several times, but I’m here and I know that whatever I do, it is being done because I want to do it. Because of this, even the smallest achievement has worth. Yet, the fear of appearing too brave, too confident, too self promotional, too hopeful, or simply too much, has impacted the length of the seas that I might sail in the world that I now inhabit.
And this is where the Mom 2.0 Summit came in.
Someone asked me what I did for a living this weekend.
I, without thinking, replied, “Oh, I’m just a writer… and a mom.”
This stranger, whose name for the life of me I cannot recall, looked me dead in the eye and said, “You are not just anything.”
This small exchange is why a like minded community that is open, intellectually challenging and laser like in fulfilling the needs of its members is critical to finding empowerment. There is no greater disease to achievement than the undervaluation of one’s own right work and choices. There are few remedies more palliative for this disease than that of a supportive yet driven community.
We are not just parents.
We are not just writers, designers, promoters or editors.
We are not just people.
We are more.
We are not just anything.
Faiqa and the beautiful IzzyMom at Preservation Hall
You are JUST fantastic.
xoxo
@Anissa, You are just … everything.
Love. The post, and you. xoxo
@zchamu, Thank you, it was an absolute pleasure getting to know you better this weekend.
Outstanding and beautiful and a thousand kinds of true. I don’t know where I’d be if I hadn’t stumbled into this world, but I don’t think it’d be half as good.
I’m glad you’re one of my newest friends.
@Laurie, Thanks, the feeling is so very mutual.
Love it! Names are so meaningful in our culture. It was agonizing picking my son’s name because literally it meant “first born son” which, while he is, is kind of ho hum- but I had deeper reasons to choose the name as his namesake is someone I love and miss and someone I hope he will emulate with his spirit.
It is so hard for me to say “I’m a writer” I stumble upon that constantly. Thank you for the affirmation, we are not JUST anything.
@Aisha, I hear you about the agonizing part… I was given a list of names by my elders for my daughter, all of which had to do with being beautiful. I was, like, you know what… NO. The whole world is going to expect beauty from her. Let’s give her something else to strive for.
AMEN AMEN AMEN
<3
@Rachel – A Southern Fairytale, I envision you stomping your boots with peace signs on them while shouting your comment. Don’t you ruin my fantasy by telling me anything different.
It was a pleasure getting to know you. Thanks for letting me into your corner of the world.
@Whit, I feel the same way. Also, I will never forget how you tried to kill me with carbonated Robitussin. That’s forever going to be “your thing” in my corner of the world. I suggest you just own it.
Faiqa, over the years I have met many women who claim to be amazing doctors, lawyers, engineers..yatayata..but I have met only a handful of women who claim their motherhood as their “identity”. You are such an awesome person. Not only are you a great writer, but more important than that, you are truly a great mother. In my opinion, there is no better achievement than that and you excel at it. Love you.
@Sahar, I love you, too, and your support is so meaningful and important to me. You are definitely THE voice in my head that keeps me grounded. XO
Yes. This. You said it so eloquently. Well done my beautiful friend.
@Redneck Mommy, Thank you, MY beautiful friend.
You are most excellent. Most excellent indeed.
@Deb Rox, To be held in high esteem by someone like you is among my most treasured things. Thank you.
I’m SO glad we got to know each other this weekend, not only as co-workers, but as friends. You’re every bit as wonderful as I’d heard and then some.
@IzzyMom, It was my pleasure, too, you are amazing… Also, you are THE most photogenic human being I know. Like, supermodel-movie star photogenic.
Excellent post! My mom always signs her correspondence with, “Just Me, Mom” and it drives me crazy. It makes it sound like she thinks it’s no big deal to be my mom, which obviously it is.
@Alecia, Awww… I don’t know why but I just want to hug your mom, right now.
Amen!
You are an excellent example of how to just “be” – no matter in what regard!
@Sybil Law, I try, I try.
I’m just a speckled girl looking in the eyes of fantastic girl telling she’s simply beautiful. (Notting Hill pretty much solves everything.) Also you rock hard, and your parents were right, they just let you climb the mountain so you could see the ocean, this Thai chick will love you Sailing butt long time.
@ThePeachy1, Hahaha… on a more serious note, I love that “climbing the mountain to see the ocean bit”… deep, yo.
I so often add the “just” when asked what I do. It used to be “just a homemaker” for years. Then I started taking my writing more seriously and when I finally dared to say I was a writer -(NOT an “aspiring writer”) – I would stifle a giggle and feel like a total poser. I would usually then brush off further inquiries from impressed parties with an “oh, just an article here and there, not like a published novelist or a regular newspaper column…*mumble mumble*” … Thanks for this post, Faiqa. I needed to hear it.
@Tracy, I completely get this comment. COMPLETELY. I may have even used the word “poser.”
You are amazing!!
That’s all I have to say, hugs!!
~Becca
@Becca, Thank you, Becca, your support has always been very important to me.
Love those two faces up there!! I am so grateful to get to know you better this weekend. You are JUST amazing! xox
@Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting, I, too, am grateful for the opportunity to meet amazing women like *yourself*! Thanks.
Your posts always lift my spirits up. Thank you.
@Stasha, Thank you for your compliment, and thank you for filling my heart up with your sentiment. It means a lot.
My name means “beloved” which means that people are saying they love me every time they say my name. This kind of goes without saying (what’s not to love?), but it’s still nice to hear it every once in a while.
@Dave2, You are beloved, most definitely. Also? David? One of my favorite prophets. Just saying. Poet, warrior, flawed yet intensely devoted. The man was kind of epic. And now, with you as a namesake, he’s in good company.
beautifully written.
happily for me, i figured out pretty early how to captain my own boat.
and my name? mean eternal ruler. probably not a coincidence.
@Ericka, I love the names Eric/Ericka… rule on, my friend, rule on.
I’m feeling pretty resentful about my name right now…
@Miss Britt, Oh, you should, because, you know, EXALTED is a totally loser like meaning.
@Faiqa, my name means EXALTED?!?!?!
Well. That explains a lot.
My name means “Bright Fame,” yet i’ve only had infamy rather than fame throughout my 31 years. There’s still time, right?
Please tell me you’re going to BlogHer. It will be weird not seeing you for a whole god damn year….
@Robin, I’ll be there!! WHAAT!! It’s going to be awesome.
I really, really enjoyed hanging out with you. I got a real charge out of it. You are just a totally awesome, intelligent, funny person.
@Clark Kent’s Lunchbox, I am so floored by this sentiment on your part, I keep wondering if maybe you’re not confusing me with someone else. But, thank you, thank you, my friend, the feeling is very mutual. Although, you’re a total weenie for ditching us BEFORE 2a.m. I’m just throwing that out there, so we can keep it honest.
i might start telling people i am a sailor!
this past weekend i spent in atlanta at a trade show. even in a work environment when i expect it, the line “what do you do?” drives me batshit crazy and i always reply, “WHEN?” it drives me crazy because i can’t be summed up by a job, i am more than what i do to earn a living. sure, it is a big part of me, but not all of me.
so, yeah. i’m a sailor. a sailor who loves and appreciates you.
@hello haha narf, I love that response, “When?” Brilliant.
also, my name means “to tie; to bind; captivating, beautiful” (in case you were curious).
but now i am wondering…how does binding also mean beautiful?
@hello haha narf, I guess beauty fosters desire which fosters binding?
My name means consecrated to God. I feel like there should be a *snort* tacked onto the end because that is so. not. me. Princess of the Universe is what it should mean. I mean, really.
@Lisa, Being the nerd I am, I went and looked up the word “consecrated” after reading your comment. Because, although, I know what the word means, I wanted to read about what it means *exactly*. It means “to exonerate or set apart.” So “consecrated to God” means “to exonerate or set apart to God.” So, I assume that when a parent gives their child this name, they are saying… “I place this child apart so that you may do with it what you will.” First? That’s absolutely beautiful. Second? If you’re very broad in your interpretation of God (the universe, destiny, fate, the unfolding of life, your innermost wisdom/truth), one could argue that it’s actually quite fitting for a person who is a truth seeker, which is how, at least, *I* see you.
Princess of the Universe is pretty awesome, too, though.
My name means God’s gift.
Yeah.
I love the “not just” thing… totally gonna pass that little life lesson onto my daughters. Thank you for passing this onto us so that we can pass it on…
I need to put that last line on a fortune cookie and open it every morning.
I am ALWAYS doing this to myself. “I’m just a SAHM.” It’s like I’m ashamed that I’m doing anything else. But, I know in my mind, that I’m doing A LOT. When I think about all the things I do each and every day to keep these kids healthy and happy, it’s mind-boggling.
But I’m obviously ashamed that in addition to motherhood I’m not, you know, doing physics research at CERN. I need to get out of that mindset.
Thanks for the post, hon!
I’ve never said that I’m “just” anything, but, then again, my ego is bigger than yours, if you can possibly believe that.
We are not just parents.
We are not just writers, designers, promoters or editors.
We are not just people.
We are more.
We are not just anything.
That needed to be repeated.
This speaks volumes to me. My Korean name means “to fly many places.” Growing up, my mom told me that it was my destiny to do something big and important so that my name would fly to many places. Then, I got pregnant as a teen. She clarified, “I didn’t mean you should disgrace the family so your name could fly everything!” Oops. Whatevs.
For a long time, I was JUST a single mom. Then, I was JUST a wife and mom. Now, I’m not JUST anything. I’m not ashamed or embarrassed of my past anymore.
Wow! This is a really beautiful post! I was reading through some of the posts from Mom 2.0, and this one really struck me. I am happy you had a good time.
Janelle James
[...] Fast forward to the present day, a couple of weeks ago I found myself in New Orleans, Louisiana for the Mom 2.0. Summit. [...]
Faiqa, somehow I don’t think it’s possible for a narcissistic bipolar basketcase to learn humility, but what do I know? I just raise bacon for a living here on the pig-farm. Of course, being a white male, OF COURSE I’m racist, sexist, “homophobic,” … blah blah blah … and so on, infinitum. As Faiqa and other liberals will tell you, it’s all in the blood. Those rascally white people ya know. And of course, I’m also extremely rich and an elitist. Yes, I have the black slaves serve me mint julips here on the porch of the Tara plantation every afternoon at 5. Faiqa can tell you all these things about me. She’s so gifted, especially in regard to racial generalizations and writing fictional histories. No, that isn’t an oxymoron. She learned the latter craft from Edward Said, I’m told.