Manhood.

A charge into battle with teeth bared and a staunch belief that a man either returns with his shield or on it?

Clawing to the top and trudging over those who show a perceived weakness of character or physical strength?

Control?  Power?

There are certainly places and families throughout the world where these definitions still permeate the air.  In these families, reconstructing manhood is, at best, a remote goal even in this new world where the ability to care for and control a piece of land (or a woman) holds far less currency than it once did.

A man’s choice to fight against redefinition in the face of the growing power of those who were once “naturally” subordinate can be incredibly painful for everyone involved, including himself.

Having shared DNA with men who refuse to question whether the definitions of old adequately translate into this new era of humanity’s being, I intimately know the negative effects of pretending that everything is “just fine” the way it is.

Nothing is ever just fine when you’re trying to fit new pieces into an old puzzle, and there’s always a monster lurking in the background who will savagely aim to restore order at any cost.

We have all, however, experienced this world where the value and definition of manhood was simply a given.

In my recollection, if the boys learning to be men when I was growing up had any doubts about those things… well, they most certainly didn’t talk about it. Because if there was anything more defined than the strictures and symptoms of what it meant to inhabit manhood and masculinity, it was the definition of what a man was not.

Boys who read too much, wrote too much, felt too much, thought too much, preferred to be inside too much, talked about how they felt too much, wore lycra too much… they weren’t the right kind of boys.

The world I remember was a place where those hapless yet incredibly special boys could choose: they could stifle the parts of their minds that didn’t gel with the gender stereotypes or they could get pantsed in the hallway before math class.

The sons (metaphorical and biological) of these men, though, are lucky.  Because these men?  Are thought leaders, now.

When our daughter was born, my whole world shifted.

As soon as we discovered the sex of the baby, I felt a distinct responsibility to begin seriously evaluating and contextualizing gendered ideologies and behaviors.

I mean, I painted the room pink like everyone else, but only after thorough academic analysis.

My plan of action for raising my daughter is to be to be the woman I would like her to become.  Society, religion, the opposite sex, peers and others will inevitably fill gaps that I leave, and I’m okay with that.  I feel confident because I’m pretty clear on what I think it means to be a woman. Confidence is furthered by the fact that women seem to have been actively and specifically redefining womanhood in the context of liberation for, well, at least the past 100 years.

But, the boy.

Oh.  Boy.

Gender, as you know, is not the same as “sex.”  Sex is the biology of a person, and gender is a set of cultural and social values.

As it relates to the transmission of manhood to the boy, I suspect my input will be more academic in nature rather than pragmatic and useful.  In my case, I feel  fortunate that I have a partner who is both a biological and socially constructed man and happens to be the best man that I know: my husband.

Tariq naturally is the kind of man whose behavior to others, women or otherwise, is near exemplary, and he’s also a man who takes seriously his task of raising children with just the right mix of mirth and duty.

But I watch.

I watch as my husband awkwardly navigates the waters of what to pass along to the small boy he’s mentoring through manhood and what to leave quietly forgotten in the realm of his own boyhood.

I worry, too.

I worry, perhaps incorrectly, that we women are better at talking, expressing, communicating, and transmitting in the private sphere.  I worry about these brave new dads who don’t just want to be carbon copies of their own fathers but perhaps a little bit like both of their parents.

I want so badly to say, “This is what you should do…”

But, I don’t.

I can’t.

I won’t.

Because, wow, if those tables were turned, somebody gonna geta hurt reeal bad.

Instead, I just read the words of men who, like Tariq, embrace their manhood with grace and strength and can tell stories of it in ways that translate into a beautiful tapestry of the universal human experience.

They make that which seems awkward to those of us watching feel more natural and normal.  They also reassert the decisions on the part of this woman to trust that a dad can parent just as well as a mom can.

These fathers beautifully blend what it means to be a New Dad with the emergence of the New Mom, and they matter in far more significant and important ways than I think even they realize.

Maybe it’s because they’re not just writing about their lives?

They are teaching… each other, their kids, and, duh, most of all, me about the struggles of existing in a world where undisputed power must be distributed more evenly or everybody will have to deal with monsters lurking in the shadows.

So, here you go, and I’m sorry if you’re a dad and I left you out.  It’s either because you’re not posting much OR I’ve probably linked to you recently.  Or, you know, I forgot.  Because I’m a girl…

• Tales From the Dad Side (@_scifidad_ ): “What was my husband thinking when he said/did that?”Rationales for behavior abound as does stellar parenting.

• The JackB. (@theJackB ) Thought provoking, soulful and simply beautiful.

• Clark Kent’s Lunch Box (@CK_Lunchbox) : Generally cool and has great hair.  Unfortunately, picked Superman over Batman as a superior comic book hero but I’ve chosen to overlook this obvious lack of good judgment in the interest of Internet harmony.

• The Jason Show (Either Jason is not on Twitter or we don’t follow each other… GASP!?):  Did you know the gays, they make excellent fathers?  I do.  And Jason is why.

• Father Muskrat (@themuskrat) He treats partying at conferences like an Olympic sport in order to deflect from the fact that he’s a very gentle and thoughtful person.  Also looks a little like a serial killer and thinks I hate him.

• Betadad (@betadad):   My number one son, and here’s why: stay at home dad, white (mostly, I mean, kind of tan-ish) dude married to an Asian American, father of twins, lived in the former Soviet Union.  This guy could write my intercultural experience blog way better than I could.  Also?  He’s in an Asian Moms group.  An.  Asian.  Moms.  Group.

• LeSombre (@lesombre): French Canadian.  I think that speaks for itself.

Have fun getting to know my teachers and friends.

Now, you should tell me if you know any dads like them.