30 Days Of Truth, Day 10: Someone You Need to Let Go, Or Wish You Didn’t Know
I don’t think you realized how difficult it is for me to be close to anyone.
I’m an open and kind person. I try to be, anyway. I get along with most people, and I can have a two hour conversation with a complete stranger.
I make friends easily.
But it is incredibly hard for me to get truly close to anyone. Had you listened to me talk to other people in the few short years we were friends, you would have noticed the stark difference in the way I spoke to you when we were alone and the way I spoke to others.
To others, I spoke of what they liked, what they wanted out of life, what they found interesting.
To you, I spoke my heart.
I don’t think you ever realized how incredibly special you were to me. Few people have ever known my heart. You were one of them.
I put aside my fears, my distrust, and my misgivings and I let you in.
I let you into my home, into my life, into my children’s life, into my family… you acted as though you thought that meant something.
So, you must know then that it was devastating to find out that every word I said to you was being used as ammunition against me.
It was horrifying for me to learn that all the times I pushed past my comfort zone and let you into my thoughts and feelings, you were twisting my words and turning them into lies that suited your need for drama and chaos.
It was incredibly depressing to find out that who you were when you were with me was a lie.
I loved that person you pretended to be and I mourn her almost every day. She was my friend.
She is my dead friend who will never walk through the door of my heart and hug me and say, “How are you, gorgeous?”
Actually, she is worse than dead… she is a lie. And, so, here is where I am… in love with a lie.
I want so badly to let that lie go… to let it drift off into nothingness and to pretend it never happened. But I can’t.
I can’t seem to stop myself from wondering how you’re doing. Whether you’re okay. Whether you’re happy or sad.
I want to want you to be happy. But I also want you to have regrets, too. I want you to wish that the lie that you told me was real… to wish that what we had was real. I want you to feel bad about making me love a lie.
I want to let you go… to drift off into nothingness…. to accept that this lie is over.
Whenever I think of you, I want to feel the joy of knowing the truth to wash over me and cleanse me of the despair and complete loss that I feel. I want so badly to count myself lucky for no longer being a fool.
I want to let the lie go and love that I live in truth, now.
But I don’t think that’s ever going to happen.
Because I will always love the lie.
25 Responses to 30 Days Of Truth, Day 10: Someone You Need to Let Go, Or Wish You Didn’t Know
Leave a Reply Cancel reply
-
Articles
- April 2012
- March 2012
- February 2012
- January 2012
- December 2011
- November 2011
- October 2011
- September 2011
- August 2011
- June 2011
- May 2011
- April 2011
- March 2011
- February 2011
- January 2011
- December 2010
- November 2010
- October 2010
- September 2010
- August 2010
- July 2010
- June 2010
- May 2010
- April 2010
- March 2010
- February 2010
- January 2010
- December 2009
- November 2009
- October 2009
- September 2009
- August 2009
- July 2009
- June 2009
- May 2009
- April 2009
- March 2009
- February 2009
- January 2009
- December 2008
- November 2008
- October 2008
- September 2008
- August 2008
- July 2008
- May 2008
- April 2008
- February 2008
- January 2008
- December 2007
-
Meta
I hope this letter brings you closure, because people who live their lives as a lie aren’t capable of providing you with closure.
They are even lying to themselves about the lies they tell people. And they are sick. And they need help. But they can only get that help if they want it.
This isn’t about me, but I love you and I appreciate that you let me into your trust as much as you do.
@Poppy, You know, I think the letter helped, a lot. I love and appreciate YOU, Poppy, thanks for being so very worthy of that.
I am sorry that you had to go through this (and that you’re still mourning).
I am not going to tell you that this person isn’t worth your time, energy or effort, because to me that shit is just empty and won’t help you; especially when you’re still mourning “what was” while still trying to reconcile within your head and heart whether “what was” even existed.
What I will say is that the universe has a funny way of taking care of people who act that way….their misdeeds always catch up with them. Always.
@Robin, This was an absolutely perfect response… literally.. JUST the right thing to say. Thanks.
It’s hard to have that type of relationship and then find out it’s a lie. In the end, you can only really be grateful that you’re not subject to those lies anymore.
@Avitable, I guess. In the end, though, you’re still left with a space that the person once occupied. It hasn’t happened to me enough for me to be able to heal quickly, you know?
Holy hell I could have written this word for word for myself and my own love affair with a lie. Wow.
The part of me that wants to protect you wants you to not care whether someone who hurt you is happy. But the part of me who has a hard time letting go of things I loved – lie or not – totally gets why you do.
xo
@Miss Britt, I know, I read this and I thought, “I know someone who probably feels the same way as I do…”
Sometimes the lie is better than the reality, for sure.
What I think I hate most, in situations like that, is feeling like I’ve been used as a pawn in someone else’s game. When that happens, I make sure to outplay them and checkmate their shit – and I make sure they KNOW that I know.
That’s why I like evil queens, I guess.
@Sybil Law, You know, I did that a little… it didn’t help. I think I liked this person too much. I was really drawn into the facade, and am having a hard time buying that it was ALL crap.
oh how i hate that you know this type of pain, that you were hurt by the lie. i’m so angry that your trust was broken, that your heart was hurt.
@hello haha narf, I’m lucky to have such true and good friends. 99% of the time, that makes it all better.
Thank you for this. You have said what I want to say, what I feel, for my soon to be ex-husband.
@patricia, You’re welcome. I’m sorry that you have to feel this way, nobody deserves it.
i’m sorry that this person hurt you so deeply, faiqa. it speaks to the hugeness of your heart that you still think of her nearly daily, and still love who you thought she was. i could relate to so much of this post, not because of the betrayal itself, but because i, too, don’t open up to people very easily. i am genuine and sincere with the world, and so everyone tends to think they know me, but very few people truly do. i am grateful that, so far, whenever i’ve taken that leap and “spoken my heart” (to use your words) to people, i’ve been able to maintain that trust and friendship i value so much. but what i hate, and what scares me the most, is that if these friendships and relationships someday don’t work out and we end up going our own ways, there will be people still walking around in the world with pieces of my heart, carrying with them my innermost thoughts and fears and emotions. perhaps they’d never realize the depth of what they hold in their hands, and it’s likely they’d never do anything with it all — but just the thought of it makes me feel naked and terribly vulnerable.
@yasmine, Man, I missed you. I also hope that this never happens to you, and I have to say that for this one person there are MANY who have shown so much integrity in their friendship with me. I’d like to think that honesty is common and betrayal is rare. Opinions to the contrary seem just as subjective, so why not err on the side of optimism?
@Faiqa, aww, i missed you, too! but probably less than you’ve missed me, because i must admit i’ve still been stalking your veblog and reading all the posts, even though i wasn’t writing anything at my end! forgive the silent stalking. will try to comment more often =) you may be happy to hear i’m back to blogging, too. okay, okay, so i’ve only written 2 posts so far, after a 1.5 year hiatus, but it’s PROGRESS, right!?
so hard not to live a lie, to love the lie, to trust and then be let down. sucks!
@jen, It does.
Wow! What a post! I have not been that special with anyone on Twitter yet. I am who I am I trust people until they give me a reason not to trust them. This often results in Fakers, Haters & Sociopaths moving into, then out of, my life. I often am Disappointed in folks because- they just don’t get it! Life is Best lived in Honesty,in Truthfulness. Lies almost always get found out & after that, no one is willing to trust you again.
I worked a Lifetime to build the reputation I have. I don’t make friends anywhere as easily as you- I was Alone in the middle of Blogher- Thanks To @palinode. @schmutzie & esp.@Izzymom for really making me feel welcome! I envy you that quality. By all means Dump anyone from your life who betrays you.
@yknot, My friend, don’t be fooled, most of the time, I was alone in the middle of BlogHer, too.
This makes me so sad. I have a really hard time with trust too, so I can imagine I would feel very much the same if I felt my trust has been betrayed so completely. I’m so sorry it happened to you.
@Lisa, Oh, don’t be sad, I’ve moved on… sort of. Mostly, I think there’s an issue of shame here that I need to explore. I almost feel like I beat myself up for not knowing better. Stupid, I know, but the mind can be stupid.
thought this post was incredible. i could have written it myself (although it wouldn’t have sounded nearly as good as you made it sound).
it’s horrible to have let someone in only to be turned on. i went through that 2 years ago with my best friend since i was a teenager – and it still hurts. just wanted to say that i know what that feels like and i wish i could get over it to. sending hugs your way.
I just read this, and can I just say, that I agree with whoever said that this is a testament to you big heart that you still think of this person and wish for better. I think sometimes we get caught up in vengence and vindication and what others to suffer, as if that would fix our pain. It doesn’t. So I’ll just say that I hope this person gets treated the way they treated you because clearly, this person did not follow the Golden Rule. Also, I think it’s sad that this passive-aggressive BS women put each other through is beyond ridiculous. Lying, backstabbing, and other sorts of disingenuous behavior are just psychological trauma. I wish better for you and I hope this letter was cathartic. We’ve all been there! Hang in there hun!