30 Days of Truth, Day 6: Something You Hope You Never Have to Do
There are obvious choices here.
Like burying a spouse or a child. But, really, how much would that tell you about me? That I’m like every other person who has kids or a husband?
So, let’s go with the far less than obvious.
As many of you know, my parents are Pakistani American. Being raised by them, I’ve picked up several values of theirs and made them absolutely my own.
Hospitality is one of them.
Now, I know Americans are very hospitable, especially in the South. But having lived on both sides of the line here, you have to take my word for it that people from Pakistan, India, Afghanistan and other places in the Middle East are extremely hospitable. Like, to a fault.
You should know that I am fully aware that the principles of hospitality practiced in Asia are most likely the same as those practiced in the U.S., but I propose that these principles are ingrained in the psyches of these disparate peoples to considerably varying degrees.
In other words, I feel enormous guilt if I even peripherally violate them. Unless, you’ve been my friend for a good number of years. Then, you know where the fridge is and you can let yourself out.
No, actually, who am I kidding? I’ll always walk you out.
For the rest of you… the following five seem to be critical to execute in order for me to accept myself as a decent human being:
Five Unwritten Rules of Hospitality that I’ve Learned From My Parent’s Culture
1. Do not overtly criticize your guest, their appearance, their children, their spouse, their culture, their dog, their fish or their fish’s dog in any way, shape or form. It’s okay, however, to say, “My… how nice that your son is going to a state college instead of a private one… at least, you’ll be able to save some money, no?” in that tone.
2. If they’ve not eaten to the point of feeling physically ill, then you have failed as a host.
3. Do not argue with your guest. If they say something racist, sexist or off color, ask them if they want more tea and move on.
4. It is absolutely okay if they bring a friend. And their mother in law. And their mother in law’s friend. And their mother in law’s friend’s mother in law.
5. Never let them leave when they want. Every time they say, “Well, I think we should get going…” You have to say, “No, no, please stay for a while… it’s early.” You have to say this even if you’re falling asleep and you want them out so badly you’re holding back desperate tears.
***
What, you ask, does any of this have to do with what I hope I never have to do?!
I hope I never have to host the following people in my home:
(Numbers of the rules that I would have to violate thus making me feel like an awful human being are included for both your pleasure and confusion.)
- Bill O’Reilly, Ann Coulter and Sean Hannity (Rule #3: Seriously? Rule #5: I can bear them them for about five minutes and that’s when I would have to ask them to leave).
- Lt. General Nathaniel Bedford Forrest of the CSA. (Rule #5: Know when to quit… you lost, go home, leave my sheets on the bed, please, and I’m fairly sure Rule #3. Also, he’s dead and I’m sure that means he smells funny.)
- Edward from the Twilight series. (Rule #4: No, you may not bring Bella because she is an annoying emo twit whose twittiness is only exceeded by your own because you have ninety years on her. Rule #2: Vampires don’t eat food, so… wait. If he promised to eat Bella, we may have a solution here. Additionally, see last bullet regarding smell.)
- Catelynn’s Mom from MTV’s 16 and pregnant. (Rule #1: Because, oh, I have criticisms. Lots of them. Like… I don’t know… You are a bad, bad person.)
- Sophia Coppola (Rule #1: You single handedly ruined the greatest film trilogy of all time. And that movie you directed in Japan does not make up for it. Rule #5: P.S. I still hate you, why are you still here?? Get.out.)
So, there you have it.
I hope I never have to host any of those people in my home. I honestly don’t know if I’d be able to hold it together until they left. It would be very bad for everyone except for the therapist I’d pay thousands of dollars to tell me I was being too hard on myself.
I’m curious. What about you? Who would you hate to have over?
60 Responses to 30 Days of Truth, Day 6: Something You Hope You Never Have to Do
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This isn’t quite the same kind of hospitality you’re talking about, but I work in the marketing office of a very large hotel chain (Country Inns & Suites), and the majority of our owners are Indian, so I can definitely vouch for that. I’ve never had more positive experiences than when I’m a guest in one of their hotels (and that’s BEFORE they even know I work for corporate!)
@jessica, I think it kind of is the same thing.
Oh my fuck, you are hilarious.
@hello haha narf, I try.
Edward positively cracked me up. Because, really! Bella and her mumbling and bad posture. Ugh.
As for me? I couldn’t deal with Spencer Pratt. He scares me.
@Momo Fali, I had to google “Spencer Pratt.” Which made me feel like I’m 90 or something. SO thank YOU.
Catelynn’s mom wouldn’t it make it past your gate checkpoint, I ASSURE YOU. She’d get arrested for spitting on the guard cursing at him and burning her cigarette into Catelynn’s arm for (this would somehow be Catelynn’s fault, everything is).
And then she’d write a love letter to Butch in colorful pen.
I don’t remember you escorting me out of your home, but I sure do remember you letting me into your fridge unattended so I must be in the club! woot!
@Poppy, There is no way you walked out without an escort. No.WAY.
@Faiqa, you’re totally right. As soon as I read your response I flashed back to both you and Tariq walking me out. Thanks for the memory jog. And now I will respect the goodbye process even more at your home.
You watch 16 and Pregnant?
@Miss Britt, Hellsyeah.
Sofia Coppola, for SURE. I think I love you even more just for saying that – because it is so TRUE.
Also, her dad, because even though he made the first two, I’d have to rip on him AND his daughter, and that would just be bad – for them.
Carrot Top and Andy Dick are never welcome in my home. I don’t know why; those two just popped in my head!
Also – I love the word peoples, so thanks.
@Sybil Law, Carrot top… shudder.
YOU WATCH TEEN MOM?
Oh my days I love you.
@Karen Sugarpants, Hell.yes. I just found out all the episodes are loaded onto MTVs website. I am now going to be very busy for the next several hours.
That was gold.
@Zoeyjane, Gold, but not… epic.
I like the inclusion of Nathaniel Bedford Forrest. I’m sure there are many throughout history who were as equally annoying…
I don’t have that same hospitality impulse. In my home I live a live of labor so if I’m occupied I’d like you to occupy yourself according to your heart’s desire. I make no strife for appearance’ sake-What I cannot afford I do not offer, but what good cheer I can give-I give gladly. let us Enjoy our time together as life is too short not to!
and now that I think about it, you’re absolutely right- About edward! What a Dirty Old Man!
@yknot, I like your perspective on hospitality and definitely appreciate the friends in my life who emulate that.
Hilarious! Your posts are totally making me want to do this meme…
@Robin, You totally should!
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Karen Sugarpants, Faiqa. Faiqa said: Native Born: 30 Days of Truth, Day 6: Something You Hope You Never Have to Do http://bit.ly/bJXKKR [...]
Can you be my new BF? Because you’re awesome and your take on this was brilliant. Also, Greeks have those rules, too! Can be so very annoying sometimes! Even worse – a Greek entertaining another Greek! Gosh. I’m so tired I don’t want to have anyone over unless we caveat in bed and it’s catered!
@Loukia, You know, when I watched My Big Fat Greek Wedding, I laughed the entire time because so many of the things they said and did were similar to my parent’s culture. (Of course, I realize that the movie was a parody of Greek culture and the it’s not exactly representative.)
See how tired I am? That should have said ‘unless we can eat in bed…’
@Loukia, See how I tired *I* am, I didn’t even notice.
My family has issues at times with 3 and 5.
Years ago I found myself standing a few feet from Sofia Coppola. I agree; she ruined the trilogy. While I will rewatch the first and second films, once was enough for that last one. Of course at the time I pretended like she didn’t exist because she was there with her then husband. Oh and maybe I forgive her a little bit more. That night was the premiere of The Vigin Suicides — which led to my reading Moddlesex years later. Argh. Obviously I need to make a Sofia scorecard.
@Kailyn, I tried to rewatch part three about a year ago and was just … floored by how bad she was. The movie would have been merely mediocre without her. Also? I haven’t seen the Virgin Suicides OR read Middlesex. WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?! Content aside, I’m glad you commented. I was just going thinking of you literally *yesterday*.
@Faiqa, If you decide to watch The Virgin Suicides, there is no need to read the book as Sofia followed it completely.
But you really must read Middlesex. You get 70 years of the history of Detroit through the eyes of a Greek family. When I first read it, I could barely put it down. And I go back and reread it every few years.
I will always remember the last time I saw you in person ( I think it was, anyway). Errin and I came over for dinner and a male who was there was not speaking English until he exclaimed at how surprised he was that I “knew how to eat” (I was using flat bread to scrape up something that was not proper finger food). Your response was just that you made sure you had intelligent, cultured friends. It was hysterical, and I appreciated it very much! My family had never explained hospitality “rules” to Andy, so when we went to a Turkish restaurant owned by friends of the family, he was taken aback when he was embraced into a dancing line of young men during dessert. Andy…does….not…dance. However, when we commented on how pleased we were that he was jumping in there as family, he explained, “some guy just grabbed me, said ‘dance with me, my brother’ and I just couldn’t say ‘no’!” Hysterical!
@Windy, Omg, I totally do not remember that! But, that sounds like something my 16 year old self would have said. Heck, that sounds like something my 34 year old self would say.
My dead ex mother-in-law. Being dead wouldn’t stop her from trying to ruin my day.
This was hilariously awesome!
@Lisa, I’m glad you liked it… and yikes, ZOMBIE MOTHER IN LAW FROM HELLLLL!!!
Bwah ha ha! I’d totally steal your list!
But I’d add Judge Judy and David Caruso.
@Dave2, Judge Judy. Ugh. I imagine that hell is having to watch her and Ann Coulter mud wrestle while Hitler referees.
Sophia Coppola didn’t ruin the Godfather series. The simple act of making a third film in the first place did that. It should never have been a trilogy.
@B.E. Earl, The movie would have been mediocre if Winona had played her part. I would have been okay with mediocre.
You gotta add Amber from 16 and Pregnant to the 16 and pregnant part of your list. She is horrible!!! How has she not been arrested yet? I guess they are busy with transporting Butch from rehab to jail. Oh I Kid! I kid! I know they don’t live in the same town. That would be too much crazy for one town!!! The town would explode or something.
@Janelle, Heh… that show is a train wreck. A transfixing, intensely entertaining train wreck.
Hahahaha! Fantastic.
Catelynn’s mom is a BITCH.
@Superjules, She really, really is.
@Faiqa, OMG I’m watching the latest episode of Teen Mom and Catelynn’s mom! She’s just so terrible! Why is she so MEAN? It really just proves that C & Tyler were right to give their baby up for adoption.
You almost NEVER feed me at your house. I feel so slighted.
@Avitable, Bastard. Now, let’s see if you get fed next time you come over. Or if I even let you in the door.
My step-grandma is Indian but my mother and aunt never have gotten used to her extreme sense of propriety when hosting us (she lives out of town, so the visits are for several days). She goes all out stocking the fridge and during the entire visit bustles around trying to stuff us with food. I have tried to explain to my mom and aunt that it is NOT a problem and nothing they can do will make her sit down for a second. That is just how it is for her – it’s in her blood. Even after 40 years, my mom and aunt are STILL not used to it!
I hosted a Chocolate and Wine themed playdate on Friday – it is very casual. We sit on blankets in my front yard, the kids play outside and we have a glass of wine and sample some chocolate. However, the Indian mother came dressed to the nines, brought chocolate AND Indian food which had me scrambling for utensils, napkins and plates. The other mothers were in a small state of shock. After the mother left, I had to explain that is just how it is done. Sadly, I suspect the Indian mother expected more from ME as a hostess but I learned years ago, that I can never come to the level of an Indian hostess. No harm, no foul.
@cagey, That incident in the last paragraph? My mother has done that SO many times and it’s been so embarrassing. I take solace in the fact that she is not alone. It is the reason that, to this day, I subconsciously forget to ask, “Can I bring anything?”
I couldn’t stand any of those right wing zealots you see on American tv… I’m all for different opinions, but most of those people can’t discuss; they can just tell you why you’re wrong.
And if I had to deal with that, I’d probably end up doing something I’d regret, or go to prison for.
@SciFi Dad, Exactly. They’re completely uninterested in issues and often I suspect that they don’t believe on iota of the garbage they spew on television.
@Faiqa, “one iota.”
i am still blown away by the whole aspect of it being unacceptable to argue in any way with a guest in addition to not ever asking a guest to leave. fuck, i would keep my damn door locked.
@hello haha narf, I mean, it’s not “unacceptable” to the point that people would think you’re a bad host. It would just be really, really awkward. Especially if there were other guests there.
OMG!!! That is sooooo true!!! Indian people just don’t know how to be informal as host/ess. My mom always goes all out! Like lady relax! The first rule is a classic. ‘Overtly’ criticize…they will cunningly and politely tell you how it is and you won’t even realize it. I see myself playing it the same way being brought up by Indian parents
AWESOME post!
@hpflo, I know, there have been so many times where I’ve been at a desi party and haven’t realized that someone was being like that until halfway through the car ride home. Like once when an acquaintance’s mom asked if *that* over there was my husband because he looked so *young*.
In other words, I look like a hag.
Nice, auntie, NICE.
That first group. I’d probably have a sniper hiding in the bushes. I assume that would be considered bad manners.
@Finn, Snipers are most likely frowned upon.
believe me, im no sofia coppala fan, but she was FAR from the reason that GF 3 failed on so many levels…
@Slyde, I stand by what I said to your girlfriend up there… it would have been a mediocre film had her acting not stunk it up so bad.
So hilarious. We grew up with a few Indian neighbours and the thing I most remember is their food and their hospitality, so lovely. We Irish have a few hospitaliy customs ourselves that are completly different to Britain and we are only a stones throw away from them!
@J from Ireland, We try… I’ve always wanted to visit Ireland myself… everyone I’ve met from there seems so *friendly* and fun. I mean, I’ve only met a handful of folks from there, but they were fun and friendly.
catelyn’s mom, lol – so true