30 Days of Truth, Day 4: Something You Have To Forgive Someone For
This is the one that made me think there was no way I’m doing this 30 day thing…
A promise is a promise, though, so let’s do this.
When N. was two years old, she refused to eat ANYTHING.
This resulted in a five month period where she did not gain a single pound.
They tested her blood, urine, sweat and any other fluid you can think of in order to rule out potential diseases or infections. I also went to a nutritionist who suggested both dietary changes as well as behavioral changes.
Nothing was wrong with her and nothing that was recommended worked.
It finally got so bad we had to go to a GI specialist who ended up prescribing her an appetite stimulant. The doctor and I slowly determined that my daughter’s sensitive and cautious nature actually made her apprehensive of eating. Once she started eating, after being chemically forced to do so, she realized that it was okay to get messy and chew food. Then she was fine.
She still has a meager appetite, but she eats a little more than nothing.
It was at this time that certain people who are very close to me implied that I wasn’t feeding her the right kind of food and that it was my fault that this was happening.
I’m not one to give a lot of credence to what everyone thinks, but I do have a short list of people whose words mean a lot to me. These people are extremely high up in that list.
And please don’t assume that they’re hateful, awful people. Because they most certainly are not, and that would make me regret writing this in the first place.
Still, these were pretty much their exact words at the time:
“You’re a wonderful mother, she’s bright and polite and well kept,” they said, “But in terms of food, you are not doing the right thing… you aren’t feeding her enough of the things she wants to eat.”
I was feeding her. I was trying everything… nuggets, fries, whatever.
I mean, I guess I could have fed her chocolate or ice cream three times a day, but, come on, really?
Besides.
I was feeding her.
She was not eating.
Note the difference.
You cannot feed someone who does not want to EAT.
It has been years since those words were said to me, but the utter injustice of it still brings tears to my eyes.
To be told that I was essentially starving my child due to my ignorance or arrogance about what to feed her was and is still incredibly infuriating, insulting, and heartbreaking.
It didn’t help that I respect these people more than just about anyone in the world.
It does not help that their words were borne out love for my child, either.
And?
It most certainly does not help that they did this again in a different context just a few years later.
My daughter, as I’ve mentioned several times, is very cautious in new situations. This is her nature. She was never one of those children that just goes to anyone or smiles at new people. It has been like this from day one.
Again, these same people implied that my daughter is this way because I am “too strict” with her.
“You’re a wonderful mother,” they said, “you’re doing a great job, but you should not scold a small child this much. It’s the reason she’ so quiet and doesn’t mix well in company.”
Do I teach her good manners? Of course.
Do I respectfully insist that she speak to other people in respectful and polite tones? Definitely.
Do I make her do chores that are age appropriate because I want to instill a sense of responsibility in her? Most certainly.
I have never spanked my daughter. I rarely raise my voice to her. She’s a very well behaved child. Some of that has to do with her temperament and a lot of that has to do with Tariq and I. Not because we’re strict, but because we’re consistent in our message about expectations and effective in our communication and execution of that message.
AND YET.
Though I am a wonderful mother, I starved my child when she was three and I now berate her to the point where I’ve made her completely socially incompatible.
I ask you, my friends, if you remove effectively disciplining your child and feeding them, how many skill related tasks are left in parenting?
Have I confronted these people? Of course, I have. It doesn’t make a difference.
I find the withholding of forgiveness to be a flaw, so this concept of discussing something I have yet to forgive is, well, almost shameful for me.
I also firmly believe in the power and validity of intention. In fact, in many instances I believe that the actual deed can be inferior to the intent behind it. Because of this, I don’t get angry at people very often and I seldom hold a grudge.
Except for this.
It’s not as though I get upset every time someone criticizes my parenting. The world is FULL of people who just love giving advice. I get that, I respect that, and, frankly, I take that advice into consideration. To me, a person offering advice or an alternate plan to deal with a problem is not the same as this.
This was different, and it was more than advice or criticism. It was just a plain lack of acknowledgment that these issues were beyond my control.
I cannot make my child into something she is not in order to please them.
No, correction, I will not make my child into something she is not in order to please anyone.
I love, admire and respect these people. They are people who have shown me a thousand kindnesses in a thousand different ways. They are people who have the best of intentions not just for my child but for many of the people I love and for me. And this is why it’s hard to forgive this slight.
I know that forgiveness is an act that releases the giver from pain. I know this.
Their comments about my mothering, though, shattered my heart into a thousand pieces.
Plus, it’s also hard to forgive people who aren’t sorry, you know?
I could forgive them and move on, but what about the next time my daughter does something that’s “weird” to them? It feels like it always come back to me and my choices regarding how to parent her.
First, I didn’t feed her enough. Now, I’m too strict. Will the next mistake she makes be the impetus to accuse me of not loving her enough? When does it stop? Will it stop? I don’t think it will.
At this point, my approach has been simply to no longer care what they think of my parenting anymore. They’ve clearly proven that they’re unwilling to acknowledge that I am, in fact, not only doing my best but that I’m doing a damn fine job of mothering my children.
This is an awkward and heart wrenching path, though, because I do care what they think about a lot of stuff. Like I said, I love them and I respect them and they are wonderful in so many ways.
But. Man. I feel wronged here. I feel like I’ve been judged badly and all around treated unjustly.
And, now, even the most innocuous statements are translated in my head as criticisms. I can see myself doing it, but I’m like a runaway train… I see criticism and cruelty from them where it does not exist, and it’s because I am just unable to forgive.
Trying to figure out how to handle this has quite literally my biggest problem in the past few years.
I guess that’s a positive thing?
That it could be worse?
Also, as I mentioned in the beginning, this was a very difficult post for me to write. I thank you for reading it.
28 Responses to 30 Days of Truth, Day 4: Something You Have To Forgive Someone For
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Wow. This could not have been easy for you.
I agree that you are a great mom. I can understand how hurtful it would be to have someone you respect suggest otherwise.
@Miss Britt, Yeah. I’m pretty good at letting go of stuff, but this motherhood thing is like my kryptonite.
People often forget that what they see as the whole situation, but behind closed doors there’s so much more to the story. If put in your shoes to experience N.’s refusal they probably would have been much more sympathetic to the FACT that you were feeding her but she wasn’t eating.
That’s all I have to say for this one. My cats eat like pigs, although I had to find the right foods for each of them. They all have their dislikes and two have allergies. And they’re cats. Can’t even imagine what it’s like to get the right nourishment for a human kid.
@Poppy, Feeding humans in general is hard. This is why humans should be like cats… maybe if we were furrier and purred it would be more rewarding.
Well, I can’t be counted in that number for any of several great reasons: We’ve never met, we live in different parts of the country, I’m single & childless & therefore have neither the experience nor desire to tell you anything about your kids, parenting skils etc…
I have however experienced that same form of judgement from others. As an Adult-It’s Painful especially when you find out later that these same people don’t practice what they preach! I’m not the poster child for normalacy- & I’m OK with that. I don’t have to be! My ideas don’t have to be the norm- no matter how much sense I think they make because I can’t run anyone’s life other then my own- & I don’t want to!
Do what you think is Best- She’ll turn out just Fine!
@yknot, Thanks, and I think your approach is very healthy. Normal doesn’t always mean “best” anyway.
Oh, honey! I wish I could give you a big high five, an even bigger hug and then enjoy a nice glass of fruity wine with you! I can’t imagine how hard it was to write this post. I have found it impossible to hold a grudge, myself, even when I would have been very justified to do it. Maybe, with me, it’s a short attention span. I don’t know. What was I saying? Anyway, you are a much better mommy than I am. I follow the idea that I am not a short order cook. I prepare yummy food that is good for bodies. I refuse to turn any meal into a battle ground. Probably due to my own strange relationship with food and my body. I have found that, eventually, my kids will eat. They might live off of snacks (milk, juice, apple slices, cheese… that kind of thing) for a couple of days, but eventually, they’ll eat. I’m sure that you did everything you could to make sure that N was as healthy as possible, and what can we ask of anyone other than they do their best. I am truly and deeply sorry that you have this to struggle with, and I understand how you feel. Only for me, it was discipline. Being from the south, it seems to be expected that parents hit their children. People that I respect and love and who are intelligent, wonderful, loving people have made comments like, “Windy and Andy don’t believe in spanking”. I’ll laugh it off with a come back, like, “Oh, I believe in spanking, I’ve seen it done. I know it exists. I just don’t see the logic in trying to teach my children to be gentle and kind by hitting them”. I usually then give the Spock hands for good dorky measure. I make light of it, but it hurts, and it makes me feel like every little bit of the boys’ behavior is under a microscope. It could make me crazy, if I let it. You make me feel like I need to jump on the band wagon and start a blog of my own. Thank you for trusting us all enough to share everything you do!
@Windy, You should start your own blog!! Make sure you let me know. Also, I *was* doing the healthy eating, no short order cooking, etc. approach. This was the catalyst for the criticism. Because I wouldn’t let her eat ice cream, cookies and cake all day– that was the problem they had. Seriously. Not.kidding.
@Faiqa, We should talk, because I honestly have no idea how to start a blog. I also can not believe that someone would think that you were feeding your child in too healthy a manner. That’s nuts!
I’ve gone through this with my son for 12 years and I understand how painful it is. I think the right path is to ignore, but I find it hard to forgive also. Good luck with everything you do!!
@Becca, It’s hard to ignore… especially because our emotions about our kids are so raw, sometimes.
I can’t imagine how that must feel. You must have been so hurt.
I think sometimes that kind of thinking goes along with refusing to see that child as an individual with their own thoughts and opinions, and instead still viewing children as an extension of the parents.
When I chose to do things differently from my mom she took offense. She saw it as me thinking her ways were wrong or not good enough. I tried to explain that I didn’t think she was wrong at all, just that the situation was different but honestly it didn’t always work. People tend to lash out when they feel their own ways are being questioned, even if it’s only in their own mind.
@Lisa, This is an incredibly insightful opinion and the heart of the matter: “people tend to lash out when they feel their own ways are being questioned, even if it’s only in their own mind.” In fact, I think this may be the root of what bothers me. The criticism was disguised by love for my child, but it seems it was really about ego and whose methodology was superior. That’s just incredibly disappointing.
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Faiqa..you are one of the best moms I know. If anyone feels the need to advice you on parenting, then they dont really know you. Not to sound all high and mighty, but other than ourselves, Y and I think that you and T are doing the best job of taking care of your kids and raising them right. Put N and Y in a room with 100 kids and any dumb idiot can see how amazing of a job you guys are doing with them. But, I am not surprised about people making comments like the ones made to you. I have been told by someone that I love and respect that I am a “bad mom”. I allowed it to bother me for years. I never confronted them about their comments and allowed it to eat at me for years. Now I coiuld honestly care less about what people think of my parenting. The proof is in the pudding.
Even with all the pep talk, my heart goes out to you. I know how horrible I felt when I was brrated as a mom so I can totally understand where you are coming from. Hugs..
Love you..
@Sahar, Wow, I think YOU’RE the best mom I know. I cannot even begin to fathom the logic behind someone saying you’re not a good mom… you’re the voice in my head that asks me if I’m doing my absolute best as a mom. Seriously, you’re my *mentor*. I love you, too XOXO
I so get this and I know that this is difficult for you to address. I have the opposite problem, I have a child with no off switch. I have a child that will eat until she regurgitates, and then go back for more. She can, will and has gone up to 48 hours without any food at all. Technically, she’s bulimic, but there’s no treatment protocol for 4 year old children with bulimia. The tens of thousands of dollars spent on therapy and tests? Wasted. Now we do it my way. And everyone, I mean everyone has an opinion about my mothering skills.
I don’t see their opinions as something to forgive. I choose to believe that their opinions are born from caring, I choose to ground myself in defenselessness and I choose the security of knowing that I have done the best that I am capable of every day. I wish the same for you…
@Nyt, I wish the same for me, too. I know on an intellectual level that what you’ve written here is the fair and absolutely the healthiest approach for EVERYONE involved. But… it’s like a sneeze, this anger… and involuntary reaction. I’m working on it… that’s the best I can do, right now.
It absolutely burns me up to think that anyone suggested you’re in any way screwing up your child – I can’t imagine how painful it was for YOU to hear it.
My daughter was absolutely terrified of going into school late – because she knew everyone would look at her. Twice, she had complete mental breakdowns – AT school – and it was embarrassing for me, because I was literally dragging her towards her classroom. Clearly, I felt like I wasn’t doing something right – but no one ever said that TO me.
We put enough pressure on ourselves as parents – we certainly don’t need to go around undermining or critiquing other parents.
Your kids are both fabulous, as are you.
I think you should tell them how hurtful their comments are – that should shut them up.
@Sybil Law, Thanks… I have tried to discuss it, but… psshhh. Sometimes, people only hear what they want to hear.
I’m too inarticulate to respond to this post, other than to send a hug. Anyone who’s ever spent time with you and your family know you’re an amazing mother. <3
@nancy, On a completely random note, the idea of you’re being inarticulate has me looking around for the four horseman. It’s four, right?
I can understand how difficult this was to write. There is nothing worse for me than to be criticized on my parenting skills. One comment made to me years ago still goes around and around my head, even though I know its not true it still eats me up. I love your self-awareness Faiqa, it really inspires me, thank you.
*nodding solemnly*
We get similar feedback sometimes (though not about the not eating… but rather that we let them direct our food choices too much) and it does suck. It comes from grandparents and even childless siblings (which, what the fuck?) and while it comes from a place of love, it doesn’t make it hurt any less.
What you have to remember, as you said in your post, is that you and Tariq are doing what you think is right for your children and your family, and trust in that.
(Also – and this is what makes you a much better human being than I could ever hope to be – if I were in your shoes I would have fed my kid bacon, regardless of the religious implications, just to piss off the people doing the criticizing.)
Well, when you get your parent of the year trophy and they don’t, you can beat them in the head with it.
Seriously, though, I can’t imagine how hard that is because anyone who knows you is aware of exactly how much thought you put into the raising of your children, and to think that you weren’t doing everything in your power to help her is just disrespectful and wrong.
it’s not right for anyone to judge like that. as moms we do the best that we can do – and a lot of times we beat ourselves up thinking it’s never enough – but you do what you can and you know you’re a good mom. that’s your baby, of course you would do whatever you needed to for her! it’s hardest when the critisism comes from people you love, i have been there myself with a different scenario. i’d say don’t let them get to you but i know how much it would bother me too. hugs.
This is just so heartbreaking.
In light of all the bullying discussion that is going around right now, I’ve been thinking a lot about the way that adults bully mothers. It’s awful. I want to post about it, but I just can’t get my feelings together to talk about it.
But it’s out there. Mothers bullying other mothers about our pregnancies, our weight, our discipline methods, our meal choices for our families. everything. I hate it.
I love you, lady. You are an amazing woman and an amazing mother.
I could write a novel about my kid and his weird food issues and lack of eating but I’ll just tell you this : Travis will be nine in two months and he just finally hit the fifty pound mark last month.
I wish I had some words of wisdom for you about the people who criticized you and made you feel guilty during such a difficult time but I’m still trying to figure it out for myself. I know, I’m an awesome friend, right?