30 Days of Truth, Day 1: Something You Hate About Yourself
My first, second, third and fourth inclination here is to write that I hate nothing about myself.
At least, nothing comes to mind.
There must be something, though, right? Something.
I conducted an imaginary poll this morning of the people that know me well and had imaginary conversations with them about what they hated about me in an effort to discern what I might hate about myself.
Step 1: Data Collection… Remember all of these conversations took place in my head and not in real life. But I am eerily accurate in predicting the reactions of people to most situations.
Sample Conversation #1: Tariq, my husband
Tariq: No way. I’m not going to play this game, I know how this story is going to end.
Me: Well, you’re not being very supportive, right now.
Tariq: It’s not about being supportive. Whatever my answer is… you’re going to be angry with me.
Me: No. Seriously. I won’t get mad.
Tariq: Okay, fine. You have a very short temper, that’s pretty hard to deal with.
Me: Okay, yeah. But, I’m working on that.
Tariq: Yeah, I know, but you still have one.
Me: I.know.
Tariq: See. You’re mad.
Me: No, I’m not.
Tariq: Yes, you are.
Me: OH SO NOW YOU’RE GOING TO TELL ME HOW I FEEL? HOW COULD YOU JUST ASSUME TO KNOW BETTER ABOUT MY FEELINGS THAN ME? I AM SO NOT ANGRY.
Tariq: I don’t hate anything about you, Faiqa. I think you’re perfect, honey.
Me: What.ever.
Sample Conversation #2: With MBTD, My Brother The Doctor
Me: So. What do you hate about me?
MBTD: What?
Me: I’m doing something for my blog. I need to figure out what I hate about myself.
MBTD: Oh, I wrote a blog on your site yesterday, did you see it?
Me: You mean, a comment. You wrote a comment.
MBTD: I don’t speak geek. I typed some words in a box and clicked submit. Why do you want to know what you hate about yourself?
Me: Actually, I want to know what YOU hate about me.
MBTD: The post is about what other people hate about you?
Me: No. It’s about what I hate about me. I couldn’t figure out anything that I hated about myself, so I’m on a fact finding mission.
MBTD: Oh.
::Silence::
Me: So?
MBTD: I don’t think this is a very good idea.
Me: It’s a terrific idea. Come on. I promise I won’t get mad.
MBTD: Okay… fine. You can be pushy.
Me: Ha, yes, that’s true.
MBTD: You also brown nose our parents to the point of enabling their personal flaws.
Me: Guilty, your honor.
MBTD: And you can be bossy and controlling.
Me: Well, yeah. ::Awkward silence:: But I’m working on that. I think I’ve gotten a lot better about it, too.
MBTD: Working on something isn’t the same as not being something.
Me: ::Contempt ridden silence::
MBTD: See. I don’t think this is a good idea.
Me: I TOLD YOU, THIS IS A.FANTASTIC.IDEA. KEEP GOING.
MBTD: Um. My pager just went off… someone might be having a heart attack, I should probably go.
Me: ARE YOU BLOWING ME OFF IN AN EFFORT TO CONTROL THIS INTERACTION? NOW WHO’S CONTROLLING? HA! YOU!! YOU ARE CONTROLLING AND PUSHY!!
MBTD: Seriously, Faiqa, I told you this was a bad idea. Because I don’t hate anything about you. You’re my sister and one of my best friends. You’re great.
Me: What.ev.ER.
Sample Conversation #3: With N., My daughter.
Me: N. Is there anything you don’t like about Mama?
N: Of course not, Mama, I love everything about you.
Me: There must be something.
N: Nope, I love you no matter what.
Me: Well, yes, I know, but, there must be something.
N: No, Mama, no matter what I love you.
Me: You’re so sweet.
N: I love you… even if you beat me.
Me: What?
::Please note that I do not even spank my children, nor do I ever plan on it::
N: Or if you tried to scratch me.
Me: What?!
N: Or if you pushed me and told me you hated me.
Me: W.H.A.T?!
N: I would love you no matter what.
Me: I’VE NEVER EVEN SPANKED YOU, N. WHERE WOULD YOU GET THE IDEA THAT I WOULD BEAT, SCRATCH AND PUSH YOU?!!!
N: Mama. Mama. Look at me. Mama. No.matter.what.
::long silence::
Me: Yeah, okay. Me, too.
*This was an actual conversation that took place last week, except for the part where I asked her if there was anything she didn’t like about me.
Conclusions/Analysis
I can be a bit of a bully to the people I love. Sometimes, I’m afraid that I bully them into loving me or liking me. So when they do express that they love me, I feel like it isn’t genuine. Like it’s not real.
I hate that I forget that they really do love me for who I am and not because they’re scared of me.
I also kind of hate the fact that I’ve been described on several occasions as someone who can be “scary.” I don’t know how to fix that and still be myself. I hate that I’m even contemplating the idea that I need “fixing.”
I guess I hate that I can be “scary” for some people.
It’s not like I mean to be that way.
35 Responses to 30 Days of Truth, Day 1: Something You Hate About Yourself
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This made me laugh so hard. I hope that was intentional.
I’ve never experienced you being scary. I think anyone who finds you scary doesn’t have enough scary people in their lives.
You’re passionate.
And I genuinely love you and your passion.
@Poppy, Yes, I was *trying* to be funny. And thanks, I think people do read my passionate nature incorrectly sometimes.
Awwww, honey. You are SO easy to like. And love.
What you’ve described is bullying people into AGREEING with you. Totally different. And acceptable.
@Miss Britt, Heh. “And acceptable.”
Faiqa,
So glad that you’re still cracking me up! You stay your mean, pushy, scary self. Ok?
I heart you!
@Windy, Thanks, hon.
I would say something incredibly profound, but I’m scared.
Plus, I’ve been drinking tonight.
(Seriously – you’re awesome, you pushy woman.
@Sybil Law, Thanks… doesn’t drinking make you more profound?
Haha, I think Tariq is smart enough not to cave and stick with the original plan not to play that game. That’s a no-win scenario there. Haha.
You a bully? Nah…or maybe you don’t love me. Hmmmmm…
@Hockeymandad, Nah… you’re all kinds of awesome. I’d have bullied you by now… so maybe you’re right, I’m NOT A BULLY!
lol… apparently I have a short temper too (as I was told yesterday cough cough) and I can be bossy, controlling and pushy. WEll those are good things rite? ahem sorta? lol! The thing is I need to get around to fixing them… maaaaaaaaaaan!
@Shabina, You know, I think people confuse passionate with having a short temper… I have a hard time seeing that you have a short temper. But, that’s just me. Also, sometimes, people have to be pushy/controlling if they want to get things done because some OTHER people need to be reminded of what to do because they aren’t going to do it on their own… I’m not being specific here, I’m just SAYING.
This was awesomely funny, but I get where you’re coming from. I’ve been called intimidating a lot, especially at work, and it bugs me because I don’t intend to be.
@Lisa, I know… the “intimidating” thing makes me feel bad. And it shouldn’t. It’s not really OUR fault if other people are intimidated, is it?
This has me laughing so much, I hope it was meant to!! I am pushy/controlling/bossy with a short temper…shit, maybe some people think I am scary too!!
@J from Ireland, It was meant to be funny, you’re fine!
Well, it’s better than having Tariq say he loves you because you beat him, because, well, you know, TMI.
@SciFi Dad, Heh.
We got to have people like you to ‘get things going’ in life
AWESOME post! Keep it coming
@hpflo, Thanks… that’s exactly what MBTD wife says.
You are so not scary. Unless you want to be. In which case you are scary. but I’m not saying you’re scary or anything. I’m just saying you’re right. That you’re scary. Though you aren’t. Unless you say so.
This is not a good idea….
@RW, Haha… You’re scary.
You’re about as scary as a Canadian. Which is to say, I’m not afeared of you.
@Karen Sugarpants, Johnny Depp was kind of scary in that movie about the Sweeney Todd… I never saw it. I’m just trying to keep the joke going here…
I have now known you for about….mmmmmmm…15 years or so. I have never seen the scary side of you..(does one exist???) “For all Intensive purposes” you are awesome (quoting one of your “self described words”)..haha..jk.
Anyone who thinks that you are scary or bossy or pushy need to pick up a dictionary and learn the meaning of these words..
@Sahar, Did it ever occur to you that I’m not scary to you because you’re scary, too? Hahaha….
This is an amazingly good sign that you can’t find anything right off the bat that you hate about yourself!! Oh, to be content in one’s own skin to that degree must be awesome.
I’m working on that…
@Chrisor (ynotkissme), Thanks. It’s taken a lot of work to get here and takes about five minutes of not paying attention to slip up.
oh my fuck, this was hilarious. best one of these days of trust i have seen so far. you sure know how to rock my socks off.
but, no matter what you say or do…I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU! pffft! (probably because i am not married or related to you. maybe we could change that. any single guys in your family?)
Well, shit, why didn’t you have an imaginary conversation with me? I would have told you that you hate that you’re so damn awesome. Duh.
You totally did bully me into loving you. But that is a real love, in a Stockholm Syndrome sort of way.
I think I am that way sometimes, too. I actually try to make my 5 year old feel bad every time he makes yet ANOTHER craft for his FATHER and not for me. “What about me? MY office walls are empty. Don’t you love me? I’M the one who spends all the time making crafts with you and they ALL GO TO YOUR DADDY! WHY? NOT? ME?” And I huff and I puff about it. Seriously. Happened last night, too. Man, do I have issues or do I have issues?
i didn’t know that our conversation from monday was going to make it on your blog!?! I think you’re perfect honey…would i dare saything else
Faiqa, this was juicy and funny and I love you. Good thing I don’t think you have any faults. Good thing I think you’re actually…perfect.
My two biggest hate about me things: my double chin and that I waste time and get distracted a lot, not doing the things I want to do.