My first, second, third and fourth inclination here is to write that I hate nothing about myself.

At least, nothing comes to mind.

There must be something, though, right?  Something.

I conducted an imaginary poll this morning of the people that know me well and had imaginary conversations with them about what they hated about me in an effort to discern what I might hate about myself.

Step 1: Data Collection… Remember all of these conversations took place in my head and not in real life.  But I am eerily accurate in predicting the reactions of people to most situations.

Sample Conversation #1: Tariq, my husband

Tariq: No way.  I’m not going to play this game, I know how this story is going to end.

Me: Well, you’re not being very supportive, right now.

Tariq:  It’s not about being supportive.  Whatever my answer is… you’re going to be angry with me.

Me: No.  Seriously.  I won’t get mad.

Tariq: Okay, fine.  You have a very short temper, that’s pretty hard to deal with.

Me: Okay, yeah.  But, I’m working on that.

Tariq: Yeah, I know, but you still have one.

Me:  I.know.

Tariq: See.  You’re mad.

Me: No, I’m not.

Tariq: Yes, you are.

Me: OH SO NOW YOU’RE GOING TO TELL ME HOW I FEEL?  HOW COULD YOU JUST ASSUME TO KNOW BETTER ABOUT MY FEELINGS THAN ME?  I AM SO NOT ANGRY.

Tariq:  I don’t hate anything about you, Faiqa.  I think you’re perfect, honey.

Me:  What.ever.

Sample Conversation #2: With MBTD, My Brother The Doctor

Me: So.  What do you hate about me?

MBTD: What?

Me: I’m doing something for my blog.  I need to figure out what I hate about myself.

MBTD: Oh, I wrote a blog on your site yesterday, did you see it?

Me: You mean, a comment.  You wrote a comment.

MBTD: I don’t speak geek.  I typed some words in a box and clicked submit.  Why do you want to know what you hate about yourself?

Me:  Actually, I want to know what YOU hate about me.

MBTD: The post is about what other people hate about you?

Me: No.  It’s about what I hate about me.  I couldn’t figure out anything that I hated about myself, so I’m on a fact finding mission.

MBTD:  Oh.

::Silence::

Me: So?

MBTD: I don’t think this is a very good idea.

Me: It’s a terrific idea.  Come on.  I promise I won’t get mad.

MBTD: Okay… fine.  You can be pushy.

Me: Ha, yes, that’s true.

MBTD: You also brown nose our parents to the point of enabling their personal flaws.

Me: Guilty, your honor.

MBTD: And you can be bossy and controlling.

Me: Well, yeah.  ::Awkward silence:: But I’m working on that.  I think I’ve gotten a lot better about it, too.

MBTD: Working on something isn’t the same as not being something.

Me: ::Contempt ridden silence::

MBTD: See.  I don’t think this is a good idea.

Me: I TOLD YOU, THIS IS A.FANTASTIC.IDEA.  KEEP GOING.

MBTD:  Um.  My pager just went off… someone might be having a heart attack, I should probably go.

Me: ARE YOU BLOWING ME OFF IN AN EFFORT TO CONTROL THIS INTERACTION?  NOW WHO’S CONTROLLING?  HA!  YOU!! YOU ARE CONTROLLING AND PUSHY!!

MBTD: Seriously, Faiqa, I told you this was a bad idea.  Because I don’t hate anything about you.  You’re my sister and one of my best friends.  You’re great.

Me: What.ev.ER.

Sample Conversation #3: With N., My daughter.

Me: N.  Is there anything you don’t like about Mama?

N: Of course not, Mama, I love everything about you.

Me: There must be something.

N: Nope, I love you no matter what.

Me: Well, yes, I know, but, there must be something.

N: No, Mama, no matter what I love you.

Me: You’re so sweet.

N: I love you… even if you beat me.

Me: What?

::Please note that I do not even spank my children, nor do I ever plan on it::

N: Or if you tried to scratch me.

Me: What?!

N: Or if you pushed me and told me you hated me.

Me: W.H.A.T?!

N: I would love you no matter what.

Me: I’VE NEVER EVEN SPANKED YOU, N. WHERE WOULD YOU GET THE IDEA THAT I WOULD BEAT, SCRATCH AND PUSH YOU?!!!

N: Mama.  Mama.  Look at me.  Mama.  No.matter.what.

::long silence::

Me: Yeah, okay.  Me, too.

*This was an actual conversation that took place last week, except for the part where I asked her if there was anything she didn’t like about me.

Conclusions/Analysis

I can be a bit of a bully to the people I love.  Sometimes, I’m afraid that I bully them into loving me or liking me.  So when they do express that they love me, I feel like it isn’t genuine.  Like it’s not real.

I hate that I forget that they really do love me for who I am and not because they’re scared of me.

I also kind of hate the fact that I’ve been described on several occasions as someone  who can be “scary.”  I don’t know how to fix that and still be myself.  I hate that I’m even contemplating the idea that I need “fixing.”

I guess I hate that I can be “scary” for some people.

It’s not like I mean to be that way.

You know, I’ve always been a firm believer in the fact that people who talk about themselves too much are boring and rude.

I try not to talk about myself too much.  I try not to write about myself too much, either.

The problem with this, of course, is that every now and then when I go back to read what I’ve written here, I have a hard time remembering what I was feeling or thinking when I wrote something.  I think I have a good ability in terms of allowing readers to see themselves in my words, but I’d like to expand my ability to inject myself more openly and honestly into my words.

And, so, for the next 30 days, I will do nothing, but talk about myself here.

I know you’re excited beyond belief.

And for those of you who are waiting for me to post a video on making daal, don’t fret, you’ll get that, too.  Just maybe over here instead.

Adam inspired me to participate in the 30 Days of Truth Meme.  So, you can thank him for that.

I’m nervous.  Because… I’m not very good at talking about myself.

Enjoy your 30 days off from my blog?