It’s About You. And It’s Not.
When I was growing up, my parents were generally good about giving me “space.” If my door was closed, they usually knocked before coming in and I don’t think they listened in on my conversations on the phone. Or, at least, if they did, they never told me.
And, yet. I remember a particular instance when my mom found a note from one of my friends that had some questionable content in it. Like, you know, multiple uses of the “f” word, something about a boy, the usual stuff. She very calmly placed the note in front of me, and said, “Who is this?”
I was mortified. And then, I got angry.
“That’s MY note, mom, you can’t just read other people’s stuff without asking…” I raised my voice ever so slightly in an effort to really push across the indignation I felt at this obvious violation.
“I do not read other people’s stuff, but I will read your stuff.”
“What about my RIGHT to privacy?” I saw the look pass across her face. The one that I had seen so many times before… Oh, lovely, here goes my American child again going on about her rights…
I assume that this was a cultural disconnect because every time I tell my husband some version of this story, he reacts as though I’m telling my mother that I’m a Martian who has come to Earth in order conduct experiments on the human race. In other words, a fourteen year old talking to her mom about privacy rights is just plain crazy.
But, back to my story.
“In this home, your privacy is not a right. It is a gift, remember that. You should know that whatever it is, I will know. You might not know that I know… but I will know.” To this day, that sentence was said with such conviction that, twenty years later, I still shudder at the idea that there are things that she knows that I don’t know about.
She wasn’t done.
“Also, you should remind your friend,” she gestured at the note, “that words are eternal. Remind her that what she writes and gives to someone else can be seen by anyone even if it’s intended only for you. Her words matter. People will see them.” And, then, in her classic style, she left the note laying on my bed, walked out and softly closed the door behind her.
Her words matter. People will see them.
Again, this lesson resonates with me until this day, to the point that I always think twice before I hit publish on anything.
Who is the absolute last person I would want to see this? How would they react? Am I willing to pay that price?
And, yet, I’ve had the inevitable conversation with more than one person, “was that post/update about me?”
It’s a difficult question to answer. I mean, sometimes, it’s a yes and a no. I think people have a hard time understanding this because they don’t fully understand the creative process behind writing. Something happens to you or you observe something that someone has done, and it sparks a range of thoughts in your head.
Some of those thoughts have nothing to do with the original situation or person.
I wonder if people understand the distinct difference between a writer intending to exact vengeance and a writer who has simply been inspired to write about something they’ve experienced. I imagine that only the writer knows, and, interestingly, only the reader can decide. (Unless, of course, they blatantly ask).
The consumption of any kind of literature generally necessitates that the reader look for themselves or some semblance of what they know in the words before them. It’s almost narcissistic, yet I argue that if that search for one’s self to some degree comes up empty, the person will simply stop reading.
So, in a way, yes, it is about you.
But, for writers who have the purest of intent, the intent to express and create and tell the truth as they see it, it’s not about you in the way you think.
Something to keep in mind.
38 Responses to It’s About You. And It’s Not.
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This skill of narcissistic viewpoint in relation to another piece of writing is taught to us in school. “How do you relate to the Holden Caulfield character? How are you different? Do you have any friends who are like him?” etc. It’s just something we do because teachers need us to show we have absorbed material and can relate it to our own experiences.
Right? I mean, that’s what my schooling was all about.
@Poppy, I always just assumed that they asked us that because it was important. As usual, you prompt further investigation.
“You’re so vain, you probably think this post is about you……..”
@RebTurtle, Well played.
Nine times out of ten, I would share the post with its subject without hesitation (even the ones where I’m saying “sweet merciful crap this kid is driving me nuts”; not when they’re five, necessarily, but eventually).
For the other one out of ten (also known as “the inlaw posts”), I treat my blog like an online journal, and sometimes after a particularly difficult encounter I need the cathartic release that writing offers, so I put a post together. Also, unlike a traditional journal, I find myself trying to “work through” the situation as I type because I am trying to frame the story for people who aren’t me and don’t have the history with them that I do.
(Also, for what it’s worth, unless the letter was sealed in an envelope with your name on it, your mother would have to have read at least part of it to know it was yours, wouldn’t she? And furthermore, can you honestly say you would never read a note you found that started with, “Dear N”, regardless of the circumstances?)
@SciFi Dad, I would totally read her note and being absolutely unapologetic. It’s in my genes.
This past spring, I had two different friendships end. Because they were also Facebook friends, that added a special “flavor” to the proceedings. As a direct result of these experiences, I wrote a post about friendship in the age of Facebook (a post that a BlogHer writer linked to in her post about the subject matter as well) I wrote the post after a cooling down period and the post truly was reflective in nature (i.e. no slamming of friends or such)
However, I knew what I was doing, so I was not surprised when one of the former friends was furious. I was a little surprised at her reactionary post which spewed vitriol towards me. Wait. On second thought, I was not surprised at all, which is why the friendship ended.
Anyway, with life being what it is, it is sometimes difficult to leave one’s experiences with people out of one’s blog.
@cagey, Yes, I had FB updates thrown in my face once. I was quickly cured of my need to engage in passive aggressive behavior by having no moral ground to stand on at that point. Live and learn. (I’d love to read your post about FB, link, please?)
@Faiqa, Per your request, http://rancidraves.blogspot.com/2010/04/he-probably-thinks-this-post-is-about.html
Friendship #1 died specifically because of actions she did via Facebook.
Friendship #2 died because a long, painful history of nasty behavior (on both our parts – I take responsibility, too!) However, the breakup was complicated by all of ties via social media.
I tried to explore how social media affected these breakups – either prolonging the friendship or bringing it to its knees.
I would be curious on your thoughts – the 2nd friend mentioned in the post was FURIOUS that I wrote about it. In my post, I did try my best to not write about that friendship in particular or in detail, but rather, about how the friendships themselves died. She did not take it take way. To put it mildly.
I usually tell people that if I’m writing about them, I’ll say their names.
@Avitable, Well, you’re kind of a jerk like that.
Very well said. An important lesson to learn.
@Anjali, Thanks!
My kid thinks I have some sort of crazy powers and that she can never get away with anything, without me finding out. So far, I am okay with this line of thought; mostly because I know it’s not gonna last.(Of course, I have given her that impression a time or two…)
I totally get what you’re saying – I mean, one thought might start with a particular thing a friend is experiencing, and then grows roots in your mind and branches off a million different ways.
@Sybil Law, Man, I thought my mom had that super power until I was… well, four or five years ago? And only then because she point blank told me that she didn’t care anymore. Basically, the “you’re a grown up, now own your life…” Except she gets upset if I don’t call every day. She’s a paradox.
I stopped writing about other people a long time ago. Found that it got in the way of the dick and fart jokes I was writing.
@B.E. Earl, Haha… yeah, people can be pesky that way.
I just have to say that first of all, I love your blog. It’s like a brand new present I just received and it makes me happy.
Okay, hmm, this post! On my blog, based on my audience, I write things I don’t mind anyone reading or talking to me about. My mom’s friends read my blog – my dad sometimes reads my blog, and my best friends read my blog.
I also always think about my children and what they’d think about my blog when and if they were to read it in the future. So I’m careful about what I write. I know anybody can read it and I am pretty censored on my blog for this reason. However, no matter what, I am honest on my blog.
Personal emails, things like that – I’m not so careful. Some things are meant to be private.
@Loukia, This is pretty much my perspective, as well. I’m very much myself in e-mails, but a little guarded on the blog.
I agree. Upon inspection, a single event can trigger a thought process on more general principles. It’s more like the post was “influenced” by you, but not about you specifically.
@Kellee, Exactly.
This is about me right?
@RW, Sure is. Wait. Who are you, again?
Oh no, you’ve joined “them” and now you’re all out to get me!!!! haha
Actually, if you want to keep your blog mostly private, just don’t write as awesomely as you do. It works for me!
@Hockeymandad, Aww… how could I be out to get you when you’re so darn nice?
You know what I love about this post most?
The acknowledgment that seeing yourself in someone else’s words is normal. More than normal, it’s the desired goal of every writer.
@Miss Britt, Thanks. you get it. As usual. I know I’ve responded like that before, but whatever, it fits.
I realized long ago that I needed to blog like everyone I know reads it because eventually everyone I knew would find it, and lo that’s what happened. It has caused my to censor to the point that I almost question the point of continuing as a personal blogger. I feel way more stifled than back in the day when I had my first Blogger blog that no one read.
I’ve been in that uncomfortable spot several times where I have a good idea a post was at least inspired by me, and end up torn between feeling hurt and arrogant for making the assumption because really? Who would write about me? Because I’ve felt that way myself I try to be careful with even the “inspired by” posts, and end up censoring even more.
Long comment short…yes. I totally get this.
@Lisa, what Lisa said. Totally.
Also, you are wise Faiqa. So wise.
@Karen Sugarpants, Thanks, hon. XOXO
@Karen Sugarpants, Also? To hell with Johnny Depp… we’re awesome.
@Lisa, Mmmhmmm… this post was kind of a guarded way of saying that.
Ive had similar thoughts about my sons privacy when he gets older. Hes only 7, but right now he INSISTS on leaving his door open. It has never been closed. Wonder how long thats gonna last?
p.s. i guess your post explains why your mother never posts on my blog.
@Slyde, I think my mom stopped posting on your blog because of the hooker in the doctor outfit…
Oh, Man! Did I write you a note in hs and use the F-word too much?
I do recall that you were my “cover story” a few times… did your mom know about THAT?
And, now, you have a daughter…
(I know, not the major point at all, but did bring me back in time).
@Cara, Hahaha… no, it wasn’t you. YOU were among mom’s favorites. You ran good PR.
This post resonates with me. So very much. I remember a note I wrote in 6th grade, a note I very much regret to this day because it wounded a girl I didn’t like and I remember those hurtful words I wrote as if I put pen to paper just yesterday. Your mother was dead-on.
And as far as everything on my blog being about the reader? It’s not. It’s my blog and it’s about me, dang it!
@Coal Miner’s Granddaughter, Yeah, she has this pesky way of being right more often than I’d like. And the number of times increases exponentially with every year. (You love how I threw the math terminology in there, didn’t you?)
Yes, your blog is very honest and real and a true reflection of you. I think that’s rare. And beautiful. Especially because so much of the content is postive.