The Ethics of the Internet
Remember when ten years ago, if you wanted to stop being friends with someone you just stopped calling or writing and let your friendship die a slow, peaceful death?
Or, maybe you just actually (gasp!) called them and said, “I’m sorry, but I don’t feel like we’re friends anymore or we can be friends anymore, so I wish you well, but…”
I remember that time.
It was a time of courage. A time where people had to stand by their actions and face the music by actually seeing the hurt they were inflicting staring back at them from someone’s eyes or hearing the pain they were causing resonate in a human voice.
Before un-friending, un-following, unsubscribing and blocking.
There’s an unspoken idea floating around in the social media and blogging world that now that everyone and their mom is online, somehow the rules of human behavior, shows of mutual respect and general courtesy have drastically changed.
My friends? I submit that this notion is just amateur, and that deep down inside we all know it.
You know that little “what-if” game people play about traffic lights?
Would you cross a red light if there was absolutely no one around?
No.
What if you were hurt?
Probably not.
What if there was a woman in the car who was about to have a baby?
Yeah, okay, well. Yes, then I would.
The game goes on and on until the person says yes with total conviction.
It’s an exercise in determining the limits of your own behavior.
And it’s not only fun, but extremely useful.
In those moments, when nobody is watching you and you don’t have to face up to any major consequences, the things you do matter the most. Your deeds in those moments exist as unequivocal proof of who you really and truly are.
Are you kind because you’re afraid of being perceived by others as mean or are you a truly kind person?
That difference matters. A lot.
Kindness and courage mean little if their employment depends upon the approval of others. Then, they are simply the mirages of a person who has built their whole persona around the fickle opinions of other people.
And, in my opinion, that is not a very evolved way to live.
I will go so far as to say that your actions when you think no one else is watching reflect more about you than anything else.
I have seen people online say terrible things because they think nobody will notice or find out it was them.
Like call someone horrible names.
Like pontificate on the impending collapse of a marriage.
Like make fun of someone’s appearance, race, or beliefs.
Like say that someone is a bad parent or, worse, make fun of their children.
Like tell someone to go kill themselves.
Sometimes, these things are said under the guise of a pseudonym, but it doesn’t matter.
These words and actions are still who these people really truly are. Even if nobody but them knows it, it doesn’t matter. In fact, the use of a pseudonym just makes them more of a coward.
The Internet is not a free pass to be a jerk.
And, oh? It is also not an excuse to take the easy way out of an offline relationship.
Online or offline, we are not acting in a vacuum. Someone else is always being affected by our actions. The fact that we no longer have to face a person while, during or after we’ve done something is completely inconsequential on the karmic balance sheet.
I’m also not saying here that you should never un-friend someone, un-follow or e-mail a goodbye. I’m just saying that the rules of the Internet are not different than the rules of real life.
Some people deserve an explanation, some do not. Carefully consider who falls into which category. And, personally, when in doubt, I believe it’s always best to just pick up the phone or stop by at their place. But, I have a pesky little admiration for courageous behavior.
The Internet, MySpace, Facebook, Twitter and the like are not a separate worlds where we get to say and do whatever we want without fully acknowledging the potential harm of our words.
They are part of the world we live in.
We are accountable on every level.
Even if it is only to ourselves.
41 Responses to The Ethics of the Internet
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Hmm, I thought this was going in a different direction. I thought Adam had blabbed to you about what I told him and you wrote a post about it.
Because I think that much about myself.
I see now this is about trolls.
I don’t have a troll problem. I believe in not trolling.
But, back to the first half of this post where I was feeling guilty about my predicament: I don’t have the skills to fire a friend when we’ve just drifted apart. I am very angry about this scenario but have no idea how to deal with it. So I just let it limp along and tell myself “one more person to visit when I’m travelling!” and just don’t deal with the fact that what I thought was an awesome friendship once has withered away for … I have no idea what reason.
@Poppy, I totally did not say anything!
@Poppy, can I but in here? I’m going to.
I’ve had situations where I wished someone would have fired me, because I was operating under the assumption that we were just friends who had gotten busy – until I stumbled across public declarations they made about not being friends with me anymore. The hurt of not being friends was only compounded by feeling stupid for not having any clue where I stood and feeling almost lied to.
But there are other people who I just drifted apart from (online or off), because that is the general nature of things. It never required an official firing, but I would have been happy to see them had I run into them by chance in the future.
@Miss Britt, I can’t really say anything more about this publicly because I’ve been too wussy to confront that person about our friendship, but I respect your opinion in this matter. I have to remember that good friends come and go in life, and relationships change, but it feels very personal sometimes.
(And I don’t mean my friendship with Adam, just to be clear. Adam and I have the “I can put you down for 6 months and pick you up again” friendship.)
@Poppy, if you pick me up, I fear for your life and your back.
@Poppy, No, Adam didn;t say anything and I have no idea what you’re talking about! This post was kind of about trolls, but not really. I’ve always defined trolls as a random strangers who are mean to people online. This post was more about how actual “friends” treat each other online. I just wanted to remind people that ending a friendship in an online forum is an act of finality, whereas a private face to face offers a higher degree of respect for that friendship, and indicates a higher level of regard. If that makes sense.
I run red lights when it’s late at night and there are no cars around.
I think that the Internet has given people this feeling of power because they aren’t accountable for their actions. The reality is that this just demonstrates the total lack of character to a greater degree, and the chance of cowardly people having real, fulfilling friendships or relationships is diminished greatly as a result.
@Avitable, Of course you run red lights when nobody is around.
Your perspective on the friendship thing is great. It makes me realize that, in a way, the Internet helps us weed people out a little better. Which, in my opinion, is always good.
Well said.
@Robin, Really? I thought I was rambling.
@Faiqa, I got what you were trying to say…not hard to follow for me.
I’ve never run a red light in my life, but I imagine that there are situations where I would.
Like a severe bacon or bourbon shortage. Ugh…I don’t even like to think about it.
The other thing? Yeah people/trolls suck.
@B.E. Earl, I can understand jeopardizing your fellow man over bourbon and bacon. Wait. No, no I don’t.
Well put. I do have more confidence online instead of in person, but I don’t use that confidence to be a jerk, at least not intentionally. Nor would I ever troll, that is just stupid and cowardly.
@Hockeymandad, No, you are not a jerk, at all. Also? This post isn’t about trolls, necessarily, but about how friends treat each other online.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by MARIA, Faiqa. Faiqa said: Native Born: The Ethics of the Internet http://bit.ly/aImTCK [...]
I believe this with all my heart. I also believe that if one feels the need for confrontation, then that confrontation needs to be private. Don’t intentionally put people on front street, it’s just nnot nice. That’s my rant for the day, thanks!!
@Becca, Because you are totally classy.
Never are these ethics of the Internet more clear (or important) than when the offline/online become intertwined.
I’m glad to know you are even more courageous offline than on.
@Miss Britt, Thanks. In a way, the online world gifts us with yet another way to discern who is really worth our effort and time. Not that you and I need help with that because we’re REALLY good at that.
Words to live by. Along the same lines (yet different?) is this: If no one were around to see your house or the car you drive, would that be the same as it is now?
Keeping up with the Jones’ can go SO many ways.
@Tug, Good one. My answer is yes. And if I were richer, the car and house would be even nicer EVEN if nobody was going to see it! Because I? Like shiny things.
I try my hardest to live like my mom can see me all the time, anyway.
Seriously. Stop laughing!
I *will* do outrageous things, but I try to treat most people with respect and dignity. I am definitely not out to hurt people, online or otherwise. I’m too upfront, most of the time, too.
@Sybil Law, I don’t think that’s funny, at all! Everyone should live like the people they respect the most can see them all of the time. I know I *try* to.
Ex-ACT-ly!!!
@Nanna,
After recently being covertly dumped I totally agree. Well, I would have agreed anyway but it hits home more because it’s fresh. I have some thinking to do about how to handle it.
@Lisa, I’m in the same boat, so I’ll share how I’m going to handle it. I’m going to move on. And thank GOD that the extent of my hurt feelings rest only upon being covertly dumped instead of a more dramatic display of a lack of respect for my feelings.
I try to be as honest as I can be online. In many ways I’m more honest here than in real life because of the circumstances I’m in (specifically I’m thinking about my inlaws… I could go on and on defending why I say everything I say online but not in person, but the short explanation is that it would elicit no change if I said these things in person because they are the type of people who can never admit to being mistaken).
In terms of relationships, I’m the same. I’ll disagree with you, tell you so to your face, and respect you after the fact.
@SciFi Dad, I got that about you early on, and that’s why I’m a die hard fan of yours.
I was recently online dumped, or at least though I was, by a very close friend. After 6 months of unanswered emails and a facebook removal, I decided enough was enough and confronted her about it in an email (I live in London and she is back and forth between South Africa and Uganda). After assuring me there was nothing I did wrong – she was just busy and had done something to facebook by accident – I had to think, was I overreacting? But I have to say, whether or not there was an issue, having the courage to say “wtf” definitely put a load off my mind. As an aside, I’m very grateful to the internet to even be able to have these conversations with her given our locations!
@Petunia, I, too, am very thankful for the connections I have made and am able to maintain because of the Internet. I also think that your willingness to confront your friend speaks volumes about how much you care about her. She’s lucky to have you, as I am sure you are to have her.
Online relationships seem more fickle, but I can’t for the life of me understand why. Sure there’s often no in-person connection, but that doesn’t mean you don’t put the same amount of work into being friends. Heck, from my experience, online friendships require MORE work specifically BECAUSE you don’t usually have an in-person connection. Misunderstandings are easier to have happen because words can be vague. Conflicts can arise because there’s behind-the-scenes social networking you can’t see or understand. And, as you suggest, it’s easier to lash out, attack, or otherwise hurt people because it’s easy for people to disconnect from their actions when it’s just “words on a screen.”
It doesn’t hurt any less, of course. If anything it can hurt more, because often-times you don’t see it coming and don’t know why. You be the best friend you can be, and one day you’re removed without explanation. Apparently you did something wrong. Or said something wrong. Or commented on the wrong blog. Or were friends with the wrong person. But you’ll never know, because you didn’t get the courtesy of an email and are now un-followed, un-friended, blocked, or otherwise cut-off from any chance of figuring it out.
As you said, the courage has just… gone.
And so you move on the best you can, trying to be optimistic that there are still people out there who remember The Time… but trying even harder to stop wondering which “friend” is going to be next.
It’s not an easy way to live. But it’s unfortunately where we’re at.
@Dave2, I could not (nor did I) say it more perfectly. This is exactly how I feel.
Simple solutions;
on road – go through red light to save life.
on internet – be yourself and don’t take anything too seriously.
@RW, Yeah. Working on that don’t take anything seriously part. It’s really hard.
I found many times that there is usually a reason for drifting apart in the first place and it is usually much easier to cower away from the issue, rather than confront the friend head on. It may not always turn out the way you wanted, but a least the issues are out in the open, and if both are willing can be resolved and possibly become closer friends because of it. It has taken me almost 30 years to figure this one out, but I am glad I did. I am glad to hear you write about this issue, as I thought I was the only one that has these issues.
Seriously, the behavior you’re describing pisses me off. I’ve seen people in MySpace forums tear other people to pieces. Why? Because they’re online and won’t be held accountable. After all, if their account gets suspended, they can always create a new account or go to another site.
We need to remember that we are ALL people with FEELINGS, and that behavior like that is not acceptable.
Wow, this is exactly what I’ve thought for a while, and here you articulated it wayyyy better than I ever could have! Yes, in truth, we are becoming cowards and “unfriending” when we should be talking about why we don’t want to be friends anymore. People are using the internet to be brave online and cowardly offline.
I had a tweet favorited with the link to this post for two months before I got around to finally reading it. It’s interesting, because two months ago, I would have agreed 100% with this and clicked off the page without commenting. Now, I’ve seen this happen and I still agree 100% and I’m commenting because I feel like basic human decency is getting lost somehow. Sure, there’s always been drama and upsets, but when did it become okay to hurt people so blatantly and publicly?
I don’t understand, but I’m glad you wrote this. Very, very well said.