I’m very calculated about expressing myself. I keep forgetting that a lot of people aren’t.
This makes me take the things that people say way more seriously than I should. I assume that a misplaced word or someone’s lack of diplomacy is a slight. It’s not always so. It’s usually not so.
I don’t assign a whole lot of value to the mundane. I keep forgetting that a lot of people do.
I don’t care how other people do things unless their actions make my life more difficult or painful. I really, really don’t care. I think I’m just going to stop telling others how I do things. Do I recycle or don’t I? How often do I clean my house? Does my kid dress herself? Who cares.
I’m beginning to realize that some people just use information like this to either reaffirm internal beliefs based on their own perceived superiority or inferiority. I’m exhausted by this and, as of this moment, my need to share is superseded by my need for peace.
I stopped competing and comparing myself to others a very long time ago. I keep forgetting that some people haven’t.
I find it fascinating how people can become so blindly involved in comparing and competing with others that they miss out on real human connection. The only way they seem to relate is through “more” or “less” and “better” or “worse.”
This behavior makes me sad, and I just want to be happy.
I don’t care about better or worse, more or less. Seriously, it is not even on my radar, so when someone starts talking like that, it’s like their speaking a different language. I don’t get it. And, more importantly, I don’t want to get it.
Fine. You are better. You win. You have the most. Congratulations. Now go be the best, winningest person with the most over there.
Requirements for intimate friendships should be basic or simple, or we might find ourselves alone.
Someone that really, truly doesn’t keep track of these things on a metaphorical balance sheet is ideal. People shouldn’t have to tally results at the end of the day to figure out whether or not they feel good about themselves.
This ensures, of course, that being close to them won’t mean feeling bad about yourself.
45 Comments »
RSS feed for comments on this post · TrackBack URI
Alecia Said,
February 8, 2010 @ 1:30 am
You have articulated my thoughts almost exactly. Thank you. I have spent far too much time trying to understand why others spend so much energy on the mundane, the drama, the competition and now I have almost allowed myself to just let it be…and avoid it. And then my mother calls…
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
February 8th, 2010 at 12:07 pm
@Alecia, Ahhh, yes. Mothers, kryptonite to inner peace.
[Reply]
SciFi Dad Said,
February 8, 2010 @ 8:43 am
I win? I’m better? Yay me!
In all seriousness, we have people like that in our lives; people who are always one-upping or trying to compare their kid to ours. I’m sure by now they think my daughter is developmentally delayed because I refuse to get into the “guess what she can do now” game.
The one area that I fail to avoid comparisons though, is finances. For example, last night my wife was talking to friends of ours who are moving, and the wife said how they got tons of upgrades and had to pay for half up front, and would be hitting up savings… and I was just, “Wait, ‘tons’ of upgrades = more than $40k in my mind… how do they keep $20k liquid in savings?” Stuff like that.
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
February 8th, 2010 at 12:08 pm
@SciFi Dad, Is asking how a form of competition? I actually think that’s the healthiest way to approach someone else’s achievement.
[Reply]
Hilly Said,
February 8, 2010 @ 8:58 am
I have no idea why people consistently feel the need to compare themselves to others. The amount of pressure that puts not only on oneself but also on one’s friendships is just overwhelming, I would assume.
Someone always has it better than I do; someone always has it worse than I do. Who cares? Life is a constant cycle and we should just focus on where *we* are and how *we* can improve our own lives.
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
February 8th, 2010 at 12:09 pm
@Hilly, Exactly.
[Reply]
Sybil Law Said,
February 8, 2010 @ 9:06 am
Just wait until kindergarten, and all those competitive moms!! It’s amazing – and infuriating. I tried my hardest to pick moms at Z’s school that weren’t like that, but one totally is – and damn – I want to slap her!
Anyway, it’s exactly how I feel – I either like you for who you are, or I don’t – don’t make it worse by trying to throw your imagined weight around!!
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
February 8th, 2010 at 12:09 pm
@Sybil Law, Heh, imagined weight. I like that.
[Reply]
RW Said,
February 8, 2010 @ 9:48 am
This speaks to me this morning after last night. I spent the evening with the family and had more than one “what the…?” moments after a few things were said to me. I, too, wondered if what I was hearing was calculated or just blithering. I decided it was blithering, because my family isn’t actually intelligent enough to calculate.
The only thing is I did feel the brunt of “comparison”-making. Not once, but twice, were things brought to my attention in direct comparison to something in my life with the idea that I’ve been “topped” or something – without me knowing we were having a contest. It made me bizarre in my mouth a little bit. Lol. I put it down to insecurity, but I still have to wonder about someone willfully coming over and making the point of it.
I’m not sure what my answer is about either, except to say it’s a sad commentary on my extended family. I care and I don’t. They’re family but they’re also a bunch of bigots. So… meh…
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
February 8th, 2010 at 12:11 pm
@RW, This place between caring and not is hard to occupy for me. But, yes, that’s where I am too in mostin these situations.
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
February 8th, 2010 at 12:12 pm
@Faiqa, most of these situations. Meh, indeed.
[Reply]
Kailyn Said,
February 8, 2010 @ 10:29 am
I like to save my vompetitiveness for playing games in Facebook. In all other aspects of life, it just doesn’t matter. It drives me nuts when someone accuses me of lying when I say that I don’t care about how much I have. Growing up around someone who always seems to be keeping score has made me feel this way. Doing this can alienate people. For me, the question becomes one of how many potentially wonderful relationships has one missed because one has been too busy counting the things that really shouldn’t matter?
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
February 8th, 2010 at 12:13 pm
@Kailyn,I grew up in a similar situation, and this is why I think I’m often ultra sensitive to even the subtext of comparison/competition. I feel it and my first instinct is to completely shut down.
[Reply]
Avitable Said,
February 8, 2010 @ 11:11 am
I’m sorry for saying that I could wrestle an alligator better than Y.
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
February 8th, 2010 at 12:14 pm
@Avitable, Yeah, yeah, you and your empty apologies. Save it for the alligator.
[Reply]
Karen Sugarpants Said,
February 8, 2010 @ 12:01 pm
I could wrestle an aligator better than T.
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
February 8th, 2010 at 12:14 pm
@Karen Sugarpants, But, I bet T. could spell alligator better than you. DOH!
[Reply]
Karen Sugarpants Reply:
February 8th, 2010 at 12:15 pm
@Faiqa, Hahahaha Thomas was on my lap! That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
February 8th, 2010 at 12:17 pm
@Karen Sugarpants, Mmmmhmmm.
[Reply]
Karen Sugarpants Reply:
February 8th, 2010 at 12:19 pm
@Faiqa, I’m starting to think this post is about comparing your husband to others. We know, we know, Tariq’s so smart, Tariq’s SO special, blah blah BLAH.
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
February 8th, 2010 at 12:21 pm
@Karen Sugarpants, YOU HEAR THAT, WORLD? I WON, I WON!!!
[Reply]
tariq Reply:
February 8th, 2010 at 2:53 pm
@Faiqa, wait…Karen is going to be in a wrestling match? When? Where?
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
February 8th, 2010 at 2:57 pm
@tariq, She can’t wrestle. She’s Canadian. They get their citizenship revoked if they forget to say “Please” one too many times.
[Reply]
Ren Said,
February 8, 2010 @ 12:15 pm
I think it’s ironic that I can’t read this without hearing a tone of superiority in it. Logically, I know that’s not how you mean it, so it must be a reflection on me that I read it that way.
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
February 8th, 2010 at 12:17 pm
@Ren, Really? Could you elaborate on exactly what you think might be perceived as superior? I promise I won’t bite.
[Reply]
Ren Reply:
February 8th, 2010 at 1:27 pm
@Faiqa, I don’t know, I just have a hard to reading “other people aren’t like that” and not taking pride in not being in that set. (Worse, though, is trying to express that thought without the double negative.)
Now imagine trying to write this (and the previous) comment while also being “very calculated about expressing myself.”
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
February 8th, 2010 at 2:22 pm
@Ren, I understand (despite the double negative! Heh.)
I think this touches on something very important though. Something about how we often rely upon the negation of another in order to make what we are doing “right.” I think this approach stems from the idea that only thin dark lines delineate that which is good from that which is bad. I feel like that’s a fallacy, though.
I think there are few things that actively fall into the category of bad or good (see how I avoided being characterized as a moral relativist there?) and that most things occupy the space between. How we communicate, in my opinion, is one of those in between cases. I find it more effective to keep what I’m thinking to myself for a long time while others are more effective when they think out loud. In other words, tomato… er, tomaaato.
[Reply]
J from Ireland Said,
February 8, 2010 @ 4:33 pm
I have people in my life that do this and really, I couldn’t give a shite if they ARE better, richer, wiser or whatnot. It really does my head in. Although secretly I do find myself feeling sorry for them for being like this so maybe I am as bad!!
Very good post, thought provoking.
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
February 10th, 2010 at 7:25 pm
@J from Ireland, Thanks, I think feeling sorry for them is a far more compassionate approach than, you know, wanting to strangle them.
[Reply]
Elizabeth Kaylene Said,
February 8, 2010 @ 4:48 pm
This is like when parents of disabled children jump into competition of who has it worse, who has gone through more. Or, hell, even parents in general, who compete for whose kid learned to walk first. It’s always irked me, and I don’t even have kids yet!
I’ve also seen some people play the Whose Illness Is Worse? game, but I don’t think anyone has tried to play it with me. I don’t go for that garbage.
Good for you for recognizing it and stepping away from it. It’s so negative and doesn’t get anyone anywhere.
[Reply]
Finn Reply:
February 9th, 2010 at 1:37 pm
@Elizabeth Kaylene, That actually struck me as funny, as I am the parent of a disabled child who frequently compares her situation to others and thinks, “Yep, it could always be worse. I got lucky.”
I find it’s the parents of the kids who have very mild issues that complain the most. I rarely hear anything from the parents of the kids in the wheelchairs.
[Reply]
Elizabeth Kaylene Reply:
February 11th, 2010 at 12:38 am
@Finn, There’s a difference between comparing your situation and realizing there’s always someone out there who has it worse, than trying to make yourself seem like you have it worse to others. Some people seem to thrive on trying to make themselves the more pitiful one. They’ll literally listen to your story or the story of someone else, and then try to one-up you by saying, “Well, MY kid can’t walk,” or something to that effect. It makes me sick when people use their kids to try to get attention.
[Reply]
Finn Reply:
February 11th, 2010 at 10:41 am
@Elizabeth Kaylene, I know. It’s pathetic, isn’t it?
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
February 10th, 2010 at 7:27 pm
@Elizabeth Kaylene, Certain members of my extended family were notorious about that illness thing… drove us all nuts!
[Reply]
Elizabeth Kaylene Reply:
February 11th, 2010 at 12:38 am
@Faiqa, I have one of those, too, in the form of an in-law. Makes you crazy!
[Reply]
Sarcastica Said,
February 9, 2010 @ 9:58 am
I HATE the game of who has it worst/best/whatever. It’s always a competition, and I don’t care if I’m always the loser because…I didn’t sign up to compete. When people try to compete with me, I tend to block them out and ignore.
Elizabeth took the words right out of my mouth; good for you to step away from it! I’m *also* stepping away from a shitload of drama in my life, and it’s liberating!
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
February 10th, 2010 at 7:27 pm
@Sarcastica, Did you notice it seemed to get worse when you became a mom? It felt that way to me.
[Reply]
Elizabeth Kaylene Reply:
February 11th, 2010 at 12:40 am
@Faiqa, I hear that competition stuff in groups of moms all the time. I’m like, who cares whose kid walked first, crawled first, talked first, pooped first? It’s exhausting to be that competitive! Just enjoy your kids, people!
[Reply]
Finn Said,
February 9, 2010 @ 1:42 pm
I have enough to deal with managing my own life to even notice most other people’s. I used to compare, but I grew out of it.
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
February 10th, 2010 at 7:29 pm
@Finn, Me, too, me too! That’s sort of why it’s all so annoying to me.
[Reply]
Zia Said,
February 10, 2010 @ 12:38 am
Hmmm…you must be in a live in a city without a super bowl champion…WHO DAT!
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
February 10th, 2010 at 7:31 pm
@Zia, Yes. This is exactly what prompted this post. Plus, I’m very jealous of the fact that everybody knows who Eddie Money is.
[Reply]
Poppy Said,
February 10, 2010 @ 10:11 pm
Aaaaaaaaaaaand now you know why I’m not blogging anymore.
I am over the drama, Mama.
But I love all my blog friends so I’m still hanging around showing my love when it seems like a good idea.
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
February 10th, 2010 at 10:13 pm
@Poppy, I’m so glad that you do hang around.
[Reply]
Poppy Reply:
February 10th, 2010 at 11:36 pm
@Faiqa, I appreciate that.
[Reply]