So, I genuinely do not know the answer to something.
I know. I’ll let you catch your breath on that.
Done? Okay, moving on…
Do you think it’s possible to give certain people too much respect?
Yeah, I said it.
I’m contemplating this because I’ve noticed a disturbing trend recently. As I go about my day, whether it’s a visit to my or my kids’ doctor/the drive through/Target/a restaurant that the less respect I give a service “professional,” the more they seem to fall over themselves to help me.
Wait. Before your fingers start flying at the speed of a bullet train intent upon admonishing me for my need to actually support rude behavior… I am a very polite person. I’m beginning to think I’m too polite.
I start off sentences with stuff like, “If it’s not too much trouble…”
Or, “Do you mind…”
And this is when I’m speaking to people who work at McDonald’s. No joke. True story.
The other day, I think because I’m so incredibly sick right now, I was too irritated to have good manners with the service people with whom I was dealing. And something magical happened. They started bending over backwards to do stuff for me. And I swear it felt like the bitchier I got, the more accommodating they became.
So, I ask you, really, with honest to goodness innocent wonder in my heart, do you think it’s possible to give some people too much respect?
37 Comments »
RSS feed for comments on this post · TrackBack URI
Karen Sugarpants Said,
February 2, 2010 @ 11:34 pm
No. They are people too – with feelings and families and yours might be the only respect and courtesy they see that day, which is sad.
Once upon a time I was a minimum wage worker in a library. Once upon a time I was a waitress. And the kindness that other people showed me shaped who I am now – someone who treats others with respect and kindness.
Respect, courtesy, kindness, all breed more of the same, I think.
Also, you are so Canadian.
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
February 3rd, 2010 at 9:50 am
@Karen Sugarpants, Hehe… I really think I am a Canadian. Eh.
[Reply]
Nanna Said,
February 2, 2010 @ 11:40 pm
Um, I know it seems like the bitchier you are with MEN, the more they fall all over you, so maybe there’s a corollary there? *evil grin*
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
February 3rd, 2010 at 9:50 am
@Nanna, Maybe!
[Reply]
nancy Said,
February 3, 2010 @ 12:01 am
Some people like to be treated like dirt. I can’t bring myself to do it, though. And I get very angry when people don’t treat me with respect or politeness, because I try to do that with everyone. Ugh.
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
February 3rd, 2010 at 9:51 am
@nancy, I really do think they’re are people who just perform better when they’re not given too much of a “soft touch.” Like you, however, it is really out of my comfort zone to be anything but nice.
[Reply]
Kailyn Said,
February 3, 2010 @ 12:23 am
I usually only pull out the bitchy when I have not gotten an appropriate response after I was polite.
I was in a cranky mood at the grocery store the other day. The checkout was taking forever. I was all ready to be bitchy when I got to the register. Before I could say anything, the cashier said, “Sorry for the wait.” At that moment I was so happy that I had paused before getting bitchy.
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
February 3rd, 2010 at 9:52 am
@Kailyn, Oh, yeah, been there. I love it when my intent to bitch is shot down by another person’s kindness, honestly, I do.
[Reply]
RW Said,
February 3, 2010 @ 12:30 am
Can we ask that question?
I’ve seen what you describe, but I’ve also experienced the phenomenon of treating people in so-called “servicing” roles with respect responding to that consideration with their best efforts to do well for me. On the other hand sometimes when I’ve not been as watchful of my behavior I’ve drawn ire from people.
I guess my answer to your question is, I don’t know yet.
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
February 3rd, 2010 at 9:54 am
@RW, When I worked in the service industry, I was always nicer to people who were nice… I would go out of my way for them, even. I think most people fit that bill. But every now and then, I come across someone who is an annoying exception to that…
[Reply]
B.E. Earl Said,
February 3, 2010 @ 2:05 am
As Queen Aretha sings, respect, even just a little bit, is what we need.
And that’s how I roll.
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
February 3rd, 2010 at 9:54 am
@B.E. Earl, Sock it to me.
[Reply]
Hilly Said,
February 3, 2010 @ 8:12 am
I believe in respecting everyone and handle each person I meet just like you do, no matter what their station in life. Wow, that sounded douchayyyy but you know what I mean. No one is “less than” in my eyes just because life didn’t hand them the best deal possible.
I feel like people may fear those who are cold and rude but you know, those are the people who get spit in their food. So yes, I am kind out of altruism AND fear, thank you very much.
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
February 3rd, 2010 at 9:55 am
@Hilly, “those are the people who get spit in their food.” That was just brilliant and exceedingly true.
[Reply]
SciFi Dad Said,
February 3, 2010 @ 8:30 am
In general, I have found the opposite to be true. When I’m polite and courteous, the staff are more likely to make an additional effort to help me with whatever I’m asking about. When I’m stressed and get frustrated, they do their job and nothing more.
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
February 3rd, 2010 at 9:56 am
@SciFi Dad, This is my general experience, as well. However, as of late I noticed that if I asked someone to do something versus if I *told* them to do it, there wasn’t much of a chance I was going to get it done.
[Reply]
Miss Britt Said,
February 3, 2010 @ 8:45 am
No, you can’t treat someone with too much respect our kindness.
BUT – I don’t think what you’re describing is respect, politeness, or, necessarily, kindness. “If it’s not too much trouble” has nothing to do with respect, especially when you’re talking to someone about doing their job. I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest that maaaayyyybe suggesting that you doubt someone’s ability or desire to do their job (even though that’s not how you mean it) can come off as.. I don’t know what, but not respectful or polite.
I think you can be respectful while still maintaining expectations. And it’s human nature to rise to the expectations that others have of us.
[Reply]
Miss Britt Reply:
February 3rd, 2010 at 8:46 am
@Miss Britt, OR kindness. Damn.
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
February 3rd, 2010 at 10:04 am
@Miss Britt, Heh. It’s not like I’m saying, “If you don’t mind, could you please give me a hamburger…”
I obviously use those phrase in context. That is, I use it when I’m genuinely asking someone to do something that I consider to be outside of what I think their basic job description might be. I assumed that, “if you don’t mind” in this context indicates that I am aware that, say, putting a little less ice in my Coke, or working me in to see the doctor in the next few days(AHEM) is not a normal procedure. I guess I assumed that being respectful entails demonstrating a knowledge of and empathy with another person’s obligations.
That said, I think you helped me figure out the answer. I should stop “asking” people to do their job and just assume that they’re going to do it the way I tell them to. And as long as I’m nice within reason, that doesn’t translate to disrespect?
[Reply]
Miss Britt Reply:
February 3rd, 2010 at 11:07 am
@Faiqa, ohhhhh – well – yes on assuming they’ll do a good job and treating them as if they will (which is the difference between be respectful and being an asshole, I think) – but also, um, I also like to make it known to people that I KNOW I’m asking them for something extra if, in fact, I am.
[Reply]
Peau Said,
February 3, 2010 @ 9:59 am
know what i find?
the more giving and agreeable i am in relationships — particularly with lovers — the more they pendulum swing the other way and come off as cool, insensitive, etc. but the minute i shut down, go cold or stop caring (either situationally or long-term) they completely change their tune and begin to try HARD.
i don’t know why this is. i don’t get it?
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
February 3rd, 2010 at 1:28 pm
@Peau, OMG. This is just the human condition. It’s been that way since the beginning of time. Like in Hamlet. Remember Hamlet? She had to KILL herself to get him to be nice. I don’t get it either.
[Reply]
Finn Said,
February 3, 2010 @ 11:11 am
Maybe that’s MY problem too. Although I don’t do the apologetic thing. Maybe I smile too much?
Or maybe people down my way are just bitchy.
I can tell you that when I worked at McDonald’s one summer, I hated it when people treated me badly because they assumed I was an idiot. When people where rude to me, I usually gave it back to them — with sarcasm and a big ‘ol smile.
Come to think of it, they usually go nicer after that…
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
February 3rd, 2010 at 1:30 pm
@Finn, OK, I am of the mind that there are most likely very smart people that work at McDonald’s etc etc, but I find the fact that you worked there to be just crazy for some reason. I can’t pinpoint why, but I do.
[Reply]
Finn Reply:
February 3rd, 2010 at 1:54 pm
@Faiqa, Hee hee. I home from college and doing my summer session during the day and I needed a good-paying night job. It was a really nice McDonald’s too. Marble and everything…
[Reply]
Lisa Said,
February 3, 2010 @ 12:19 pm
No, I don’t think so. I know that some people respond more to negative feedback than positive, but at the end of the day I need to be happy with myself and how I’ve conducted myself as a member of society. I may have gotten what I wanted by being a jerk, but I will ultimately suffer for it because it’s a behavior outside of what I expect from myself, thus making that thing less satisfying than it would otherwise have been.
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
February 3rd, 2010 at 1:31 pm
@Lisa, I like this answer. I think I’m going to steal it.
[Reply]
Sybil Law Said,
February 3, 2010 @ 1:19 pm
I think it’s like how women tend to apologize even when they’ve done nothing wrong. For instance, if someone is in your way, clearly, somewhere, but we say, “Oh, I’m sorry, excuse me…” to get around them. Silly things like that – it’s just unnecessary. There’s no need to apologize if YOU haven’t done anything wrong, but women as a whole tend to do it, anyway.
I do try to treat everyone with general respect, though, of course. But I don’t trip over myself acting like I’m terribly sorry to ask them to do something that’s in their job duties, no. I am friendly and polite until get an attitude – and then the gloves are off. Sometimes. *I am not near the badass I try to be! Haha)
I think my answer is “I don’t know”, too.
Damn, I ramble!
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
February 3rd, 2010 at 1:31 pm
@Sybil Law, Yeah. Tripping over myslef…? Guilty as charged.
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
February 3rd, 2010 at 1:32 pm
@Faiqa, MYSELF.
[Reply]
Allyson Said,
February 3, 2010 @ 1:19 pm
I have to say, I am always nice to people at the beginning of my relationship with them. At McD’s or Applebee’s, the first meeting with wait staff is polite and smiling. But once they ruin my positive attitude towards them, I go right into snobby-rich-girl-with-servants mode. And when I need something fixed that was done wrong the first time, I only have a tiny amount of patience. I realize that the person who answers the phone is usually not the person who can help me, so I politely request to speak with the manager. I give them the low-down with a smile on my face even if I’m angry, so they feel that they WANT to help me. But if they give me ums and uhs instead of help, I move very quickly into irate customer who will spread the word of their failed service. Speaking of which, I have to call Jackson Hewitt…again. For the fifteenth time.
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
February 3rd, 2010 at 1:35 pm
@Allyson, I used to be the type that would ask for a manager, but now I consciously evaluate whether or not I will benefit directly from the interaction. I mean, if I’m going to get something out of it, then I’ll say something. Otherwise, the great thing about capitalism is if a business continues to treat their customers like crap, they aren’t going to be in business very long.
[Reply]
Kate Said,
February 3, 2010 @ 6:21 pm
I think, when you come at service people with an attitude, what they most want is to give you whatever it is you want so you’ll shut up and go away. If you’re nice and not pesky, you end up being a lower priority than someone who is being demanding and/or rude. It’s messed up, but that has been my experience.
[Reply]
Hockeymandad Said,
February 3, 2010 @ 9:51 pm
Nope. It goes a long way. I worked several years in the service industry and I actually did more for those that were nicer to me. The nasty ones got quick work to keep them quiet. The nice people though got my total best and if they came back, that was even better.
But respect and kindness NEVER goes unnoticed, even if they don’t show it right away.
[Reply]
Alecia, http://hoobingfamilyadventures.com Said,
February 5, 2010 @ 11:29 am
Interesting. I used to be like you, 100% of the time, being extra, super-duper polite and unassuming. Then I moved to China. People like that get chewed up and spit out into some nasty, canal with sewage and the smell of pee to boot. If I learned nothing else while living in China, I learned that I need to be ASSERTIVE but polite, in that order. No need to be rude, but you have to make it clear what you need. So now, that is my strategy and it works much better than polite, unassuming.
[Reply]
Avitable Said,
February 6, 2010 @ 10:28 am
I try to be respectful in every encounter I have, but I also have no problem being forceful and standing up for myself at the same time. There’s a point where respect turns into capitulation, though, and that’s the line you don’t want to cross.
[Reply]
Elizabeth Kaylene Said,
February 8, 2010 @ 4:57 pm
Everyone deserves respect — unless the disrespect me. Then I just ignore them. And really, I do. I give them as little interaction as possible.
I’ve never noticed anyone being more productive with less respect. I thought it worked the other way around. I think we need a field study with charts and diagrams! (;
[Reply]