Internet in Real Life

Is an Internet life a substitute for a “real” life?

I find the need to make a distinction between the two very interesting. And by “very interesting,” I mean, “misguided.”

When people try to make this distinction, in my opinion, they sound like dinosaurs. The distinction between online and offline is a very fine one, and I would argue that it’s dissipating rather rapidly.

Personally, I don’t differentiate between “online” friends and “real” friends. Or “the Internet” and “in real life.”

Who I am online is who I am in real life. I use my real name.

Unless you’re a stalker, then, umm, I totally made this name up.

I’m fairly reserved when it comes to personal details. I don’t reveal everything about myself on my blog, this is true. However, I don’t reveal everything about myself offline either. So, this blog is me. It is real. I’m also smart enough to know that people cherry pick what they share online and sometimes that’s not an entirely accurate representation of who they are.

But.

Since when did people not do that offline? As a person who does not judge people on their physical appearance (I mean, you have to be clean), the fact that I can’t see someone doesn’t indicate that they aren’t real to me.

Yeah, yeah, I call my friends on the phone all the time. But, the thing about a phone is that it interrupts all sorts of activities. Today, for example, this is the first time I’ve had a single moment to myself. It’s 10:45 p.m., right now. My friends, who are all functioning adults, would ask me who had just died if I called them, right now. OK, most of them. The ones from the Internet wouldn’t bat an eyelid.

An e-mail, blog post, or twitter/FB update, though? These are done at one’s leisure. At a time when someone has a few minutes to sit down and really think about what they want to say. The receiver(s) of this information are also able to process that information at their leisure. I think that’s a welcome break from the “talk to me now talk to me now” paradigm.

Look. I know that ::hug:: is not a substitute for a real hug. Or that LOL is not a substitute for a real laugh.

At the same time, I know that the connections that I have made with people online are real in every sense of the word. We are here for each other, we discuss our pain and happiness with one another, and we, sometimes, have unpleasant words with each other.

Human beings have always been dysfunctional.

I offer that the Internet is merely another possible vehicle for the expression of our dysfunctional tendencies. Blaming the Internet for people’s lack of human connection is like blaming a cell phone for the guy who is yapping at the top of his lungs at the table over from you in a nice restaurant. Believe me, if cell phones were never invented, that guy would have found another way to irritate the people around him.

Because he’s clueless and insensitive. The cell phone didn’t make him that way. He was already like that.

The dinosaurs want to blame the Internet, but, really, accountability lies with individual. As it always has and always should.

Posted by Faiqa on January 20, 2010 12:17 am • Seriously. I Have No Clue. About Anything. • 52 comments

52 Comments »

Poppy Said,

January 20, 2010 @ 12:28 am

My boyfriend who I intend to spend the rest of my life with is someone I met through a mutual blog friend (that’d be Mr. Adam H. Avitable) so I’m slightly biased. A LOT of my very good friends are from blogging. People online liked me for my words before they ever saw me, and I surely do appreciate that.

But I also cherish the friendships I made through work or school or other friendships first. I am finding those to be so very important to me as well, and it worries me when people ditch all their “IRL” friends (I despise that term, it Pisses Me Off) for “online” friends (this offends me less, although that seems hypocritical) because the ease of disconnecting from someone who annoys you online is so much easier and more convenient than confronting issues that friends have. Don’t like your best blogging friend forever (BBFF) anymore? Just stop commenting on their blog! Done! (I might be speaking from experienceS.)

And I see a lot more negativity tossed around in blogland. It’s really contagious and I eventually have to shut myself off to it, and then I’m a cold and callous asshole of a “friend” and not awesome anymore because I don’t have another ounce of myself to spread thinly over the 23rd problem I’ve seen on the 23rd blog I’ve visited today.

rant rant rant.

I love you, Faiqa. I love that you let me write so much in your comment field!

What do you think?

[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
January 20th, 2010 at 12:37 am
@Poppy, I think you’re absolutely right. Balance is really important. And there is a lot of negativity. It seems like people are meaner, like it’s easier for them to be cruel, when they’re online. I think these people don’t realize that this sort of behavior is a manifestation of who they are in real life, too. We’re composites of every action that we take. I also think people are waaaay too sensitive to things like “who commented on my blog”. There are a myriad of reasons why someone might not be commenting and many times they don’t have a thing to do with whether that person values us or not. In some ways, a person’s online persona is a nice little magnifying glass into their soul and their core beliefs about life and other human beings.

[Reply]
Karen Sugarpants Said,

January 20, 2010 @ 1:10 am

I have wonderful friends both online and off, and I cherish them all. No distinctions here.

[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
January 20th, 2010 at 11:09 pm
@Karen Sugarpants, Because you’re awesome, dood.

[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 9:03 pm
@Faiqa, yeah i am, aren’t i?

[Reply]
Ren Said,

January 20, 2010 @ 3:50 am

I think some people confuse “online” and “offline” with “public” and “private”. It’s understandable given how much more public some forms of online communication can be. It’s obviously inaccurate, though.

[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
January 20th, 2010 at 11:10 pm
@Ren, I’ve re-read your comment about four times and ummm… what?

[Reply]
Ren Reply:
January 20th, 2010 at 11:29 pm
@Faiqa, Yeah, I have no idea anymore.

[Reply]
SciFi Dad Said,

January 20, 2010 @ 7:31 am

I actually met my wife online, so I am totally biased. However, I completely agree with you, especially about the asynchronous nature of internet communication. Waiting for someone to be “ready” (or “available”) to talk makes little sense to those of us who have the patience to leave an email or a status update and wait for our friends to respond.

[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
January 20th, 2010 at 11:11 pm
@SciFi Dad, Exactly. And it’s very interesting how critics of online life completely dismiss stories like yours and your wife in favor of the cyber-stalker narrative. More drama, I guess.

[Reply]
Miss Britt Said,

January 20, 2010 @ 10:30 am

When I was reading about you being private on your blog, my first thought was “um, you’re pretty private offline as well.”

And I also agree that people are just as capable of cherry picking what they reveal about themselves offline, face to face.

I will say, however, that a Twitter party doesn’t even come close to a real, live, offline, in person party. Or, you know, prom.

[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
January 20th, 2010 at 11:12 pm
@Miss Britt, True. Twitter parties kinda suck, actually.

[Reply]
Hilly Said,

January 20, 2010 @ 11:53 am

I have found most people (not all, of course) to be almost exactly like their blogs in real life. People who overshare on blogs? Overshare in real life. People who wear their emotions on their sleeves on blogs? Completely compassionate and emotional in real life. People who develop personas on blogs? They tend to be quiet, calculating and almost reserved in real life. It’s been fascinating to meet so many people from the online world so that real vs. internet is not a distinction that I make anymore.

[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
January 20th, 2010 at 11:12 pm
@Hilly, Did you just describe the OMF on purpose there?

[Reply]
B.E. Earl Said,

January 20, 2010 @ 12:31 pm

Even though I don’t use my real name for my online presence, I think that those who know me in real life AND who also read my blog can tell that I am pretty much the same person in both arenas.

I stopped talking about my friends and family on my blog because someone I know was hurt by something I wrote once (even though they totally misunderstood what I wrote and I would never intentionally want to hurt them). So I do have some boundaries.

I’ve met a few online friends in the real world and they all seemed like their online selves. And by that I mean “cool as shit”, because otherwise I wouldn’t read their blogs. I can’t speak for what they thought of me, but I have been hesitant to jump right in and be me, if you know what I mean. I don’t know why. Maybe because I got into this blogging game a bit later on than most of my other bloggy friends and meeting people for the first time can seem like being the last one to show up at a party. But I’m working on it.

[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
January 20th, 2010 at 11:16 pm
@B.E. Earl, I completely understand the hesitancy and feeling late to the game when meetups occur. I’m like that, too. Also, if you’re the same online and offline does this mean that you really are in love with Slyde? Interesting. Very interesting.

[Reply]
B.E. Earl Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 12:22 pm
@Faiqa, No, but it means that he is love with me. Do you blame him?

[Reply]
RW Said,

January 20, 2010 @ 2:01 pm

I agree in that I don’t think the internet is the cause of what personal responsibility would/should control. But the main difference, I think, is that the anonymity that “online” can provide can be the enabler to an awful lot of nastiness. And I’m unsure about how that nastiness would be manifested were there no such thing as an internet. With or without the internet there are still bullies on the school yard. With an internet, they can go further.

[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
January 20th, 2010 at 11:17 pm
@RW, I’m sure people would have devised a way to propagate the nastiness. We human beings have a knack for stuff like that.

[Reply]
Sybil Law Said,

January 20, 2010 @ 2:13 pm

I find it funny that so many of my tangible friends (it’s the best term I can find to replace IRL friends) find it so fascinating that I have so many internet friends. Just the other day, one of my tangible friends was saying how crazy it was that I would go and meet strangers from the internet. The thing is, they aren’t strangers! I know a lot more about some of my “internet” friends than I do about my tangible friends!
I am going to stop right here, because you (as usual!) said it already and said it best.
Also, I am so, so glad I’ve met you and got to touch you.
Oooh, man, that sounded really, really creepy!
You know what I mean.

[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
January 20th, 2010 at 11:17 pm
@Sybil Law, It sounded creepy, and I liked it. How’s THAT for creepy?

[Reply]
Kailyn Said,

January 20, 2010 @ 2:28 pm

I have both friends that I have met online as well as through other methods. I like to think that the proof that I am the same person in both areas is that when these various friends meet one another, it’s never been a question of how I met them. Instead they sit around and discuss all of the crazy things I’ve done.

[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
January 20th, 2010 at 11:19 pm
@Kailyn, Thank goodness, because I would have been really sad if you were much different.

[Reply]
Allyson Said,

January 20, 2010 @ 7:22 pm

I make the distinction. I do it, because I’m shy. I always feel outclassed in any group of people. I don’t comment on many blogs because my comments always sound stupid in my head. I lurk on a lot of blogs, but I comment on three. I consider the people who’s blogs I read to be my “online friends” because I care about them, and worry for them, and feel proud of them, but they don’t know me hardly at all. My “offline friends” know I exist. I talk to them, because I had enough shy encounters with them to feel comfortable opening up. So there is a big difference for me. But it’s not that I think you guys on the internet aren’t real.

[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
January 20th, 2010 at 11:20 pm
@Allyson, “I always feel outclassed in any group of people.” Oh, honey, don’t say that, please. That just broke my heart.

[Reply]
Allyson Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 8:52 pm
@Faiqa, Well, take a look – You are beautiful, smart, driven, sweet (I could go on), Britt is charming, honest, deep (there’s more wonderful things about her, too), Adam is witty, incredibly intelligent, motivated (another long list of fantastic qualities) Sheila is up front and outgoing and keeps a smile through life’s bumps (again, so many awesome facets). Every one who comments on your blog(s) seems at least like they have interesting lives, and opinions and they write well. How difficult can it be to understand how an uneducated SAHM feels outclassed? Don’t get me wrong, I’m basically happy in my life, but I don’t believe that I have much to offer. To any group – not just our blogosphere community. It just takes me a while to warm up and find some small thing that I have that I can give to others. And then a while longer to get up the nerve to offer it. And since it’s my problem to contend with, I make the distinction. Online friends are people to whom I feel connected when I’m not really, and offline friends are people who spend enough time with me to find something good. I feel I owe more to the offline friends, I guess.

[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 9:00 pm
@Allyson, I understand feeling how you might owe more to offline friends. And, sorry, I just don’t think you’re outclassed, from my point of view. Being educated and being smart aren’t the same thing. I know a lot of people who are educated that aren’t very intelligent, at all. You seem intelligent and very well put together to me, for what that’s worth.

Anyway, I do understand the choice to make more of an “offline” friendship, I just meant in my post that there is nothing wrong with people who do *not* differentiate.

[Reply]
Allyson Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 9:16 pm
@Faiqa, True enough. I do not think there is anything wrong with saying (and meaning) that the friends you have online are just as real and important as the friends you have offline. I would feel as much for someone who’s friendship I cultivated online, as I would for someone who’s friendship was built during visits to the playground.

[Reply]
Sheila (Charm School RejecT) Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 6:13 pm
@Allyson, I BETTER BE YOUR FRIEND! ::hmph::

[Reply]
Allyson Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 8:38 pm
@Sheila (Charm School RejecT), Of course you are! That’s what I’m getting at. I read your blog, I look forward to seeing you when you’re in town, if not for Avitaween, I never would have met you face to face. That doesn’t stop me from sending you positive energy when I know you’re down, or hoping you find the right house when you’re hunting. You’re my friend. But this week while I agonize about sending my firstborn to school, I don’t call you up and cry about it, because I feel like the only person in the world who cries at the sight of a bookbag in the living room.

[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 8:42 pm
@Allyson, Oh no, you are not the only person who cries at that. Every morning, when I drop N. off at school, she walked to the window of her class and waved at me until I pulled out of the parking lot (which is fully visible from her class). Until last week. She leaves the window now before I even get to the car. I was happy for her, but so heartbroken for me.

[Reply]
Sheila (Charm School Reject) Reply:
January 22nd, 2010 at 12:49 am
@Allyson, I’m not going to take over Faiqa’s comments but I *am* going to go email you now!

[Reply]
Becca Said,

January 20, 2010 @ 8:32 pm

I love you! I find that the more blogs I read, the more that I tend to look at them as ‘real’ people. When I first started I would think I don’t really know this person so I shouldn’t make a personal judgement about them. Now, I read a blog and if I think I might not like that person, then chances are I wouldn’t like them in real life either.

I tend to be very private in ‘real’ life. Just got called out today for not being enough of a people person, as a matter of fact. However, I think there is a place for fun and friends and gossip. Doing all that around inmates, is probably not the right place, go figure!

[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
January 20th, 2010 at 11:23 pm
@Becca, I think a blog reflects a lot of who a person is, even if they’re trying to be a persona. I don’t see anything wrong with deciding you don’t want to get to know someone because of something they’ve written. In fact, I think that’s a really sound approach.

[Reply]
Multi-Tasking Mommy Said,

January 20, 2010 @ 10:24 pm

I totally agree with you that the “online connections” that we make are as real as “offline ones”.

I do want to say that I feel my blog is me and my blog is real as real too. I just choose to have an anon name for personal reasons. Does that make me less real?

[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
January 20th, 2010 at 11:26 pm
@Multi-Tasking Mommy, Absolutely not. You are very real. I didn’t mean to imply AT ALL that if you use an anon name you are less real than me or someone who does use their real name!! In retrospect, I must have come off that way. My mistake.

[Reply]
Zia Said,

January 20, 2010 @ 11:32 pm

You’re my only online friend. That being said, I would choose face to face interaction with you over internet anytime.

[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 5:46 pm
@Zia, Heh. We’re not online friends. You have to actually be online more than once a month for that to happen.

[Reply]
Avitable Said,

January 21, 2010 @ 6:00 pm

I’m lucky to have you as both an online and a real life friend. And you can call me any time of day or night and I’ll only ask “Did you kill Tariq and need help burying the body?”

I love the new design!

[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 8:43 pm
@Avitable, HE HAS RISEN.

[Reply]
Karl Said,

January 21, 2010 @ 6:13 pm

I agree with you wholeheartedly. My friends are my friends. Half the people commenting here are friends I have met in person, all due to the Internet. Most of my friends, in fact, I’ve met through the Internet. They’re all very real to me.

I used to use the online/offline distinction back in 1994, when I first started using the Internet. Or I’d say, “My Internet friend…” Haven’t done that in quite a long time, though.

And for the record, I’d welcome a call at 10:45pm. Love the new look, but I’m not shocked. Karen rocks.

[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 8:44 pm
@Karl, I just recently got out of the habit of saying “My Internet friend.” It felt really awkward, anyway. Karen does rock.

[Reply]
Sheila (Charm School RejecT) Said,

January 21, 2010 @ 6:15 pm

I love my computer because all of my friends are inside it.

Awwwww……..

Seriously though – the only time I make a distinction between “online” or “offline” is when I’m talking about one of you guys and someone asks me if they’ve ever met said friend I’m speaking of. If it’s one of you guys I just tell them that they haven’t because it’s one of my online peeps.

Other than that, you’re just my friend, Faiqa.

[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 8:45 pm
@Sheila (Charm School RejecT), So are you, Sheila. (My friend, I mean. Who is inside my computer. But also a friend on the outside of the computer, too. Sigh.)

[Reply]
Al_Pal Said,

January 21, 2010 @ 6:24 pm

Brilliant post. Love. I have SO many friends that I’ve met online, in different areas, and I treasure them, a LOT.
Having patience does make it easier–I often live my life in another time zone, too, so blog comments and twitter are especially enjoyable to me!

LOVE the new design & header, too. Beautiful.

[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 8:46 pm
@Al_Pal, Thank you, I sort of am totally in love with the header.

[Reply]
Nanna Said,

January 21, 2010 @ 7:18 pm

I agree. But I mostly came to tell you thqat your blog is freaking GORgeous!

[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 8:46 pm
@Nanna, Ahhhaa, I have your approval!! This blog can die a happy death, now.

[Reply]
Lin Said,

January 21, 2010 @ 10:22 pm

I think most of my friends are “online” friends, but I love them deeply and have know them the longest. I met my husband online nine years ago. I think that you can really get a sense of who someone is from their blog. Oddly, I find many bloggers intimidating.

[Reply]
Rachael Said,

January 22, 2010 @ 8:43 pm

I really don’t differentiate that much anymore. I started making friends online when I was pretty young – like in high school. Now, 10 years later, I have friends online that know me incredibly well and have supported me through some really hard stuff. To me, they’re all just friends.

[Reply]
Elizabeth Kaylene Said,

January 24, 2010 @ 3:06 am

I have some friends I met on the internet who are better friends than people I’ve met face-to-face. To me, they are still friends. Long-distance friends, yes, but they are still there and they still exist. I like that the line is getting thinner and thinner.

[Reply]
Jason Said,

January 25, 2010 @ 8:52 pm

Great points! I like the way you think.

And I love your new look. I have been looking around for a makeover but I haven’t found anything I really like. I will be looking into Swank Web Style!

[Reply]