I had this friend. She was a friend in every sense of the word.
Then something happened. I’m not going to rehash, but, basically, I didn’t say stuff that I should have said and she said things she shouldn’t have said.
And, so, where there was once a friendship, there are now two women standing across from one another separated by a bridge that is so thoroughly burned that it will never, ever be mended.
That said, it’s over, and I am truly glad.
Some people are just not meant to be together. Whereas they may be kind and decent human beings on their own, together they are all wrong.
A lot of people talk about not having regrets, but I’m just not one of those people.
I do have regrets about the way I handled certain aspects of this relationship. In my defense, though, I do not believe, nor do I intend to make a permanent address of Regretsville, U.S.A.
I do think a certain amount of regret when used as a precursor to positive change is not only healthy, it’s downright necessary. After all, I won’t ever become a better person, if I’m always sitting around being right all the time.
I said my piece to this woman and she said hers. And we’re done saying anything to each other. I honestly don’t think about her as much as I do the situation itself.
That’s my nature. I, with every fiber of my being and resolve, am a person determined never to step in the same river twice. In the end, it’s not my business what the other party took away from all of this.
My own personal lessons are my business.
The truth.
We love it.
We worship it.
We don’t want to hear it.
It’s funny, when we impart the lesson of truthfulness to our children, we focus a lot on the telling, but rarely on the listening.
Being able to hear the truth is just as critical to living a decent life as is telling the truth.
My friendship died an irreparable death because I did not tell my friend the truth about how I felt regarding her behavior. Instead I inwardly rolled my eyes and filled my heart with judgement of her. I fanned the fuels of self righteousness within myself and deemed her not worth it.
Not worth it.
That’s harsh. No matter how irritating or wrong you might think someone is, nobody deserves to be treated like they’re not worth it. Nobody.
I guess I kept it in because I thought she would take it badly. And that would have been uncomfortable for me.
Wow. This is not a pretty mirror to be looking into, right now. I wanted to be comfortable instead of being right.
I suppose people hold back from complete honesty because they think their friends will get mad at them if they say what’s on their mind.
I shouldn’t say “people.” I mean, me… I… and I should say “thought.”
Because I don’t think that anymore.
I think a friend is someone who can handle the truth.
They know that in the grand scheme of things truth, love and approval are separate entities. They are not the same thing.
I can approve of and love a friend, but be honest about my dislike for something they have said or done.
Someone who cannot make these differentiations, unfortunately, cannot handle my friendship.
And there’s another bitter pill. Everyone cannot handle me. Ouch.
Some people will be better off if they aren’t friends with me. Double ouch.
Growth is painful. But, hey, at least, I won’t be stepping in this river again.
Posted by Faiqa on January 13, 2010 10:14 pm • I Love You, Too. Now What Did You Want? • 47 comments
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Kailyn Said,
January 14, 2010 @ 1:11 am
I love truth. Yes, I know that when I hear it from others, there is a possibilty that I may end up feeling hurt. But I have found that I can recover from this kind of hurt faster than the hurt that comes from finding out that someone had lied to me. Those who really know me know that if they ask my opinion, they will get the truth. The key is that they have to ask. Don’t ask and I won’t offer my opinion. I think that a “real friend” does not hold their punches. A real friend will tell you the things that no one else will. And I will tell a friend, just as I did with former students, that sometimes I have to tell them something that is hurtful to them because I do care about them so much.
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Faiqa Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 11:18 am
@Kailyn, You know, in this case, I waited for that question, “What do you think?” way too long. The question never came and, in the end, I only was able to say what I thought when both of us were so angry that the truthfulness of my thoughts were taken as words of cruelty. I used to be of the mind that opinions should only be offered when they are asked for explicitly, but I’m reevaluating that notion. I mean, why do people share stuff with other people if they don’t want opinions or different perspective? Why not just talk to their cat instead? Thoughts?
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Kailyn Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 1:16 pm
@Faiqa, My mom is one of those people who gives unsolicited advice so I usually don’t say much to her.
I am pretty good at resolving stuff on my own but I tend to process quite a bit. And sometimes when I do this, it is aloud in front of other people. I’m not looking for their advice neccessarily. I just need to verbalize stuff at times. And yeah, I could just as easily have the conversation with my cats.
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Kailyn Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 1:22 pm
@Faiqa, Further insight. It’s not the unsolicited advise that may piss me off but instead when the other person gets upset because I chose not to follow thi person’s advise.
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Courtney Said,
January 14, 2010 @ 7:34 am
If you are referring to the story that you told me at lunch then I have to say this: How could you have told her the truth about what she was doing when she is such a cold, heartless and selfish individual? People that are capable of not only thinking/feeling the way she thought/felt but of SAYING those things OUT LOUD to others are not the type of people that would appreciate or even understand you telling her how completely F**KED up what she said was, no matter how nicely you said it or what your intentions were. As evidenced by her follow-up behavior. People like that always find a way to make it everyone else’s fault and she would never have accepted your honesty but would have instead turned her venomous words and thoughts to you and made YOU the bad guy (and much earlier in the story than she did). Therefore all that would have been accomplished was further heartache for you.
You are an honest person Faiqa, a genuinely good person, and some people really and truly ARE NOT WORTH IT. No matter how much we all hate to admit it, it’s true for everyone.
Next time you think of some of the things you thought when she said or did awful things, say them instead of thinking them. I *did* get into some potentially enormous trouble with a sort-of high ranking marine using this advice but otherwise its worked quite nicely
Other than that, give yourself a break with this one.
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Faiqa Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 11:15 am
@Courtney, Break given! I appreciate your defending me to myself… it’s the mark of a good friend. And you’re right, in this particular case, the truth would not have been well received and I would have still been the villain.
Still, not being the villain is not my objective, you know? The objective is being honest, being who I am and, as you so wisely suggested that when it comes to my feelings to “say them instead of thinking them.” Good advice.
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Courtney Haynes Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 1:14 pm
@Faiqa, Oh I know that the villain thing wasn’t what you meant, I just said those things because I had to make sure that you remembered you weren’t. The villain, that is.
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Robin Said,
January 14, 2010 @ 7:57 am
Wow….your post brings back so many memories of broken friendships for me. I am still mourning one of them.
I would rather my friends tell me the truth than lie to me or patronize me. As long as they are acting with integrity, it’s ok. I may grumble and be pissy for a few hours, but eventually i’ll put my tail between my legs and thank them for being there for me.
And for that reason, I can always handle friends like you.
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Faiqa Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 11:11 am
@Robin, Thank you, dear, that means a lot.
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SciFi Dad Said,
January 14, 2010 @ 8:25 am
“a friend is someone who can handle the truth”
Truer words were never spoken.
It’s hard, like you acknowledge, but in the end it is better to surround yourself with people who can, for lack of a better word, “handle” you than to be constantly worrying about what you said. It’s not about trying to be the friend they need, it’s about being the friend you are.
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Faiqa Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 11:11 am
@SciFi Dad, “It’s not about trying to be the friend they need, it’s about being the friend you are.” Wow. Yeah.
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Finn Said,
January 14, 2010 @ 8:40 am
I’m sorry this happened to you. It sucks.
Don’t stay in Regretsville. It’s next to the dump. Ew.
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Faiqa Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 11:10 am
@Finn, Oh, I’d moved out by the end of the post. Forward mail to Enlightenment, U.S.A.
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Hilly Said,
January 14, 2010 @ 8:41 am
It’s funny that you and I have talked about this in the past and that we’ve both come to the same conclusions in very different ways. Holding that mirror up or having someone hold it up for you? It’s not always pretty but thank GOD we’re both the kind of people that can look into it, even if we do it with one eye closed.
That being said, I’m amazed that you walked away from this learning any lesson at all…um, not cause you don’t know how to learn lessons but because I just happen to think it was in no way your fault. Then again, I am your friend and that is what I am supposed to think, dang it.
Seriously though Faiqa, you handled this situation with your usual grace and honesty and I strive to be more like you each and every day.
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Faiqa Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 11:09 am
@Hilly, Awww. I love you, Disco Diva.
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LeSombre Said,
January 14, 2010 @ 9:48 am
Awesome post, as usual.
“Everyone cannot handle me. [...] Some people will be better off if they aren’t friends with me.”
Big thumbs up. I feel the exact same way, which is why I don’t have many friends.
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Faiqa Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 11:04 am
@LeSombre, But… if people aren’t friends with you, they miss out on that cool French Canadian accent. I don’t know who wouldn’t be better off without that. (Thanks, I’m glad you enjoyed the post.)
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MidLifeMama Said,
January 14, 2010 @ 10:25 am
Been there. It is painful to see oneself through that mirror, but you will undoubtedly be a better friend to those who deserve it because you took the time to evaluate what happened and why.
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Faiqa Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 11:03 am
@MidLifeMama, I think so. I hope so.
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NYCWD Said,
January 14, 2010 @ 10:48 am
Being able to hear the truth is just as critical to living a decent life as is telling the truth.
I agree whole-heartedly with that line. I think one of the biggest problems most people have is the ability to listen to what is actually being said as opposed to what they think they are hearing… especially when all it is is the truth.
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Faiqa Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 11:03 am
@NYCWD, Mmmhmm. That’s a real issue, too.
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Courtney Haynes Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 1:12 pm
@NYCWD,
Perception is reality.
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Sarcastica Said,
January 14, 2010 @ 10:58 am
The truth does hurt, and sometimes I don’t want to hear it, but when I do it only makes me stronger and helps me to work on the things about MYSELF that I need to work on.
You’re one of my heroes, simply because you can see where you’ve done wrong and you can admit it, publicly for that matter
a lot of people don’t like to admit when they’ve done something wrong.
So, you rock. xoxo
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Faiqa Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 11:02 am
@Sarcastica, Whoa. We were commenting on each other’s blogs at the same exact moment, I think. Eerie.
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Sarcastica Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 2:17 pm
@Faiqa, Holy crap we totally did lmao! Eerie indeed
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Karen Sugarpants Said,
January 14, 2010 @ 12:22 pm
“I think a friend is someone who can handle the truth.”
Amen.
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Faiqa Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 1:50 pm
@Karen Sugarpants, Preach on.
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Princess of the Universe Said,
January 14, 2010 @ 2:47 pm
Oh this really hit home for me – I have a friendship that’s on the brink of this right now, and I HAVE been thinking – it’s not worth talking about – or “they’re” not worth it.
You’re absolutely right – how can I say that about another human being that I used to cherish?
I expect that this person won’t “get” it – but maybe I should get off my little pedestal of self-righteousness and give it a try??
Thanks for this.
xoxo
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Faiqa Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 11:16 pm
@Princess of the Universe, Here’s to trying and maybe getting the (positive) unexpected in return.
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Laura Said,
January 14, 2010 @ 4:18 pm
I’m writing a blog right now about friendships. I started clicking around when I needed a breather, and immediately found your blog. This is the first time I read your blog and it couldn’t have been a more perfect post! Thank you! I think I needed that intervention. It might not have been the same situation, but somehow gave me a different perspective on what could have been. Unfortunately, it was the same outcome.
Thank you!
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 11:19 pm
@Laura, Very cool I’m glad you made your way over here! You might like this post I wrote a while back, it’s much more positive:
http://native-born.com/2009/10/08/a-promise-to-my-friend/
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tariq Said,
January 14, 2010 @ 5:48 pm
in my opinion you handled the situation just fine. You may have been able to delay the craziness that went down a couple of weeks ago but I don,t think you could have saved the ‘friendship’ and that’s because that woman has no sense of reality. On a brighter note, look at how many friends you do have who love and respect you. There is something to be said about that. You’re a fantastic wife and a friend who I can count on.
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Faiqa Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 11:19 pm
@tariq, My cheerleader. You know, the very masculine, and not at all girly kind.
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Walter Said,
January 14, 2010 @ 9:17 pm
There are things that are not meant to be in this world. Part of our growth is letting go: letting go of the things that hampers our journey to being a better person. Perhaps we should consider our past relationships as an important element for deep examination.
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Faiqa Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 11:20 pm
@Walter, Yes. Precisely.
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Sybil Law Said,
January 14, 2010 @ 9:50 pm
I am an absolute truth speaker, and I look at it like this: anyone who knows me KNOWS that about me, so if they come to me for advice, I owe it to them to tell them what they might not really want to hear.
And you know what? They rarely end up following my advice, anyway. Which then makes me crazy.
But seriously – I like telling and hearing the truth.
And truthfully, you are really, really awesome.
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 11:21 pm
@Sybil Law, I hear you on the advice part. I have to stop saying “I told you so” I do that way too much. Because, hi, I’m usually RIGHT.
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martymankins Said,
January 14, 2010 @ 11:19 pm
I went through this “truth, don’t want to hear it” recently at work. I want to say the truth, but saying the truth will forever change my entire work environment. Sometimes it’s best to let things go.
But with friends, I had a falling out with one some years ago. We kind of patched things up, but overall, it’s not the same. But at least we are civil.
Thank you for posting this at a good time when I need another reminder (Kim Ilax gets the first credit for a reminder)
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Faiqa Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 11:29 pm
@martymankins, Yeah, of course, when it comes to your JOB, you definitely want to exercise caution. Luckily, I’m not bothered with having a “real” job, so there’s that.
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Allyson Said,
January 15, 2010 @ 1:28 pm
It’s funny, you know? Death of a friendship can be very like the death of a loved one. I had a friendship that has been described to me as “not healthy” but I loved it. It was fun, and carefree, and I thought, honest. When it died, it went down in flames! I was informed that the honesty was a facade for untold mountains of ugliness. It hurt. I cried. I have finally stopped looking for updates on her life via the internet. I still have dreams where she needs me, and I come to her rescue, and we make up. The same way I still have dreams that my mom faked her death and went off to live an adventurous life, and comes back to love me and be my mom again. I wish it were possible to discover the ugliness and and move on without looking back.
I know we’re not, you know, close, but if you need someone to lean on, I’m here.
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The Ex-Friend Reply:
January 15th, 2010 at 5:02 pm
@Allyson, I can’t believe you’re still deluding yourself and everyone around you. You thought it was honest? You? Really? You were responsible for AT LEAST 50% of the dishonesty. Stop playing these games where you act like you had no idea how unhealthy it was the entire time.
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Faiqa Reply:
January 15th, 2010 at 5:28 pm
@The Ex-Friend, Really? Who does this? This is appropriate?
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Faiqa Reply:
January 15th, 2010 at 5:28 pm
@Allyson, Thanks, Allyson, I appreciate it.
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Komal Khan Said,
January 15, 2010 @ 6:07 pm
I too am a victim of “should of/could of/would of” thoughts – probably to a very unhealthy degree. Honesty can be painful,cruel, and cumbersome – but it’s a kind of a glorious ugly, you know? I rather go out of a relationship, or this world knowing what it truly was…overall honesty is a level of intimacy many of us cannot handle- you should be proud of your threshold. As for the river metaphor, sometimes it’s worth taking a dip as long you know the current will take you somewhere safe. Then again only YOU can be the judge of relationships and whether or not they are worthy investments. Speaking of investments I have to get back to my ECON homework – Send all my lovin to the family – Take care and awesome post!
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Selma Said,
January 18, 2010 @ 12:03 am
I had a friend I was truthful with and it broke up our friendship, but it wasn’t as if she wasn’t aware of the truth, she just didn’t want me to say it. I appreciate your comments about regrets because I believe that too and in addition I think that regret is a way of honouring what you once had with that person. So it’s not all bad.
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Demons and Twelve Steps « Delicate and Neurotic Said,
January 31, 2010 @ 11:13 pm
[...] a couple of weeks ago, Faiqa wrote this post. For those of you disinclined to click – it essentially spoke about the death of a [...]
Nanna Said,
February 2, 2010 @ 3:35 pm
“Growth is painful. But, hey, at least, I won’t be stepping in this river again.”
Oh, how I WISH I could just step into that river ONCE, learn, and be done with it. Unfortunately, I seem to be a do-over-er
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