So Long and Thanks for All the Fish!

The other day I read this article about dolphins.

Apparently, scientists have discovered that dolphins brain power is just slightly less than that of humans.

By the way, don’t you love it when people us that phrase, “scientists have discovered”? As if all scientists agree with one another all the time and act in concert without any debate whatsoever? Kind of like when people say “Liberals.” Or “Muslims.”

Anyway, according to these scientists, who agree with each other all the time, we should start treating dolphins better because they’re almost as smart as we are. Specifically, they “are ‘non-human persons’ who qualify for moral standing as individuals.”

The first thing that popped into my head is that episode of King of the Hill where Hank got molested by the dolphin. No, actually, the first thing that popped in my head was “Thanks for all the fish…” And this only proves that no matter how smart a person thinks they might be, somewhere all the silly television shows and movies they watched will inevitably make them feel like they’re just as simple as everyone else.

But back to the dolphins are so smart we should treat them kind of like people thing. This is just bizarre. First let me say, I am very much against killing dolphins. Very much so. But, the idea that they should be protected because they are “smarter” than other animals feels problematic to me.

Who wants to guess why? Here’s a clue: Steak.

Posted by Faiqa on January 6, 2010 1:15 pm • Seriously. I Have No Clue. About Anything. • 27 comments

27 Comments »

B.E. Earl Said,

January 6, 2010 @ 2:01 pm

Denis Leary had a great bit on tuna, dolphins and cows. As if we can decide how important animals are to us based on how good they taste.

Man 1: Don’t eat the tuna fish!
Man 2: Why not?
Man 1: Because Dolphins are getting caught in the nets!!!!!!
Man 2: Well what about the Tuna Fish?
Man 1: Fuck them, they taste good!

Then it turned into Man doing an inventory of all the animals.

Man: What are you?
Otter: I’m an otter. I swim on my back and do cute human things with my hands.
Man: Okay…you get to live. What are you?
Cow: I’m a cow. I…
Man: Get on the truck!
Cow: But I graze all day and chew my cud!
Man: You’re a baseball mitt! You’re a hamburger! Get on the truck!

Something like that.

[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 10:36 am
@B.E. Earl, That Denis Leary. He’s quite the sage.

[Reply]
adnan. Said,

January 6, 2010 @ 2:06 pm

what do we do with the humans who are stupider than dolphins?

[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 10:37 am
@adnan., My thoughts exactly. Obviously, we load them up in trucks and make baseball mitts out of them.

[Reply]
Ren Said,

January 6, 2010 @ 2:15 pm

It seems like we have to draw lines somewhere. How about when they ask for better treatment? Or, you know, that we not eat them…. It is, naturally, their responsibility to establish communications.

How smart are cows? Aren’t pigs smarter? What’s the smartest animal that is typically eaten (discounting so-called delicacies)?

Should we protect all animals? What about insects? Bacteria? We need lines, I tell you! Is “Human?” the only viable answer?

[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 10:40 am
@Ren, “Dear Humans, Please stop eating us. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?” I think it would go something like that. I think what I find problematic here is the elevation of intellect over the basic premise that something is a living, breathing being. Does this mean that someone who has a high IQ is “more” of a human than someone that does not? That seems wrong to me.

[Reply]
Ren Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 11:31 am
@Faiqa, It seems clear that we do use intelligence as a measure of the value of life. Sure, we act like we don’t with regard to humans, but you see it all the time with regard to animals. There are exceptions (pigs), but mostly just to avoid changing our behavior.

The only thing that trumps intelligence is cuteness. Well, that and being an endangered species.

On the other hand, the amount of genocide in our history is an indication that when push comes to shove, even human level intelligence isn’t a panacea.

[Reply]
Finn Said,

January 6, 2010 @ 2:16 pm

We all need to start eating Soylent Green and be done with it.

But only if it’s made from stupid people.

[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 10:41 am
@Finn, But if “you are what you eat”…

[Reply]
Sybil Law Said,

January 6, 2010 @ 3:19 pm

I only eat bark and driftwood.
Ha!
Man, I love steak.

[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 10:41 am
@Sybil Law, I love steak, too. If loving Prime Rib is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.

[Reply]
Coal Miner's Granddaughter Said,

January 6, 2010 @ 4:55 pm

Basically, what this all means, is that someday the dolphins will visit Discovery Cove to eat hamburgers with the humans who are on display there.

[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 10:42 am
@Coal Miner’s Granddaughter, Hehehehe. I just got the visual on that.

[Reply]
SciFi Dad Said,

January 6, 2010 @ 9:11 pm

Why do I have the sudden urge to yell about soylent green?

[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 10:43 am
@SciFi Dad, IT’S PEOPLE!!! I think cows have that dialogue all the time.

[Reply]
Becca Said,

January 6, 2010 @ 10:06 pm

I totally agree! Why is it still ok to kill horses for dog food in this country, but now we should all stop and think about the intelligence of dolphins?

Does this mean that I can hunt down and maim every dumb human? Are they worth less than a smart dolphin??

[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 10:44 am
@Becca, They put horses in dog food? My. God. Why did I not know this?

[Reply]
Avitable Said,

January 7, 2010 @ 7:35 am

I support the protection of dolphins. But apparently, 9 out of 10 Muslims agree that dolphins should be put to death.

[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 10:44 am
@Avitable, Well, yeah, because the 9 out of 10 dolphins are pornstar heathens.

[Reply]
Miss Britt Said,

January 7, 2010 @ 10:18 am

Ummm, I’m pretty sure I’ve eaten dolphin before. And I remember it tasting very, very good.

[Reply]
Avitable Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 10:22 am
@Miss Britt, you have not! Evil, evil evil!

[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 10:45 am
@Miss Britt, Who eats a dolphin? MY GOD. I’m beginning to think all the times you said my baby was cute enough to eat in a totally different light.

MISS BRITT EATS BABIES!! MISS BRITT EATS BABIES!!!!

[Reply]
hello haha narf Said,

January 7, 2010 @ 10:22 am

you thought of king of the hill, i thought of that damn adam avitable and his dolphin porn.
sigh.

and i wanna know what adnan wants to know.

[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 10:49 am
@hello haha narf, Me, too. I think that’s what bothered me about this… and why don’t we eat puppies and kittens? Because they’re cute? So, essentially, our values of humane treatment center around cuteness and intellect. All ugly and stupid things deserve less regard.

On that note, I’m not too hypocritical to admit that I love me some steak. Especially when it’s served by a Brazilian dude at an all you can eat Charascuririrururia. (Hehe).

I’m a weak and flawed woman.

[Reply]
Avitable Said,

January 7, 2010 @ 10:50 am

I don’t see a problem with only eating stupid animals. I’d give up eating pork just for that. Intellect should indeed be more valued.

[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 9:29 pm
@Avitable, Well, obviously, you value intellect so you feel that way. But saaaay, standards were different. And we started making value based judgments on whether animals (people, whatever) wore pants to work or not. You’d be in a heap of trouble, then.

[Reply]
Avitable Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 9:32 pm
@Faiqa, a heap of trouble? Who says that? Are you a 1950′s gold prospector? I’d be fucked!

[Reply]