Since May 20, this house has been non stop full of relatives.
I suppose a few people would view this as some sort of nightmarish situation, or, to some extent, an invasion of one’s privacy. I don’t. Not really.
Luckily, we have a fairly large home, so it’s easy to hide when one feels the need to socially, physically or mentally withdraw from the crowd. I’m definitely the type of person that needs that space every now and then.
Mostly, though? I feel blessed to be so loved by our family. And, just FYI, not one of our guests asked us to take them to Disney World.
When I was growing up, it was just my parents and us. Our relationship with our extended family in the area was precarious at best. Everyone loved each other, but I think liking one another was a different matter.
There were lots of surrogate relatives, though. These were people I grew up depending on for love, support and even structure. Surrogates relatives, in my mind, are no less loved or important in our lives than “real” relatives. Shared DNA doesn’t ensure or preclude love, respect or loyalty.
Whether human connections are manufactured or an act of nature is really not the point.
Humans belong together.
Sure, you can’t love everyone. But you have to love someone.
You just have to. And you have to be loved by someone, too.
Like every special and magical entity on this earth, the relationship between two human beings has to be nurtured and protected. Ironically, these two months of constant presence in my home has taught me that the greatest predators of the love that exists between people are the people themselves.
Somewhere inside of us, or at the very least me, is a silly need to believe that I don’t really need anyone. That, alone, I can handle all of this. Furthermore, a tiny part of my mind believes that to be able to handle life all by myself is some sort of noble characteristic.
It’s not noble. It’s actually sort of stupid and unnatural.
We are social creatures. We were created with an innate need for one another. To believe that you can do things all by yourself is incredibly immature. That’s why the only well adjusted humans that scream, “I can do it by myself!!” are four.
You might think you do things by yourself, but you’re wrong. Someone is helping you. You just have to exercise the insight that helps you identify them.
As for independence? My belief is that depending on another person is a great gift. Dependence, when not pathological, reflects love, trust, faith and belief on our part.
For me, dependence doesn’t even necessarily equate to a belief in ability. It can sometimes just reflect a belief in another person’s desire to help me. I will go so far as to say that relationships in which people feel they can’t or simply won’t depend on the other person are woefully incomplete.
If I don’t spend some of my time in a relationship scaring myself because I’ve put all my eggs in that basket, then that relationship is still in a formative phase… it’s in its immature phase.
My commitment to another lies in placing control in the hands of a special, hand selected person, and metaphorically saying, “I’m a little afraid of this not working out the way I envisioned it, but I trust you… and even if we mess up this particular time … I know you’ll have tried your best because I know that’s how much I mean to you.”
Being independent? That takes a respectable amount of personal strength.
Depending on others, though? That takes a whole lot more than just strength.
I think that when we look around us we’ll realize quickly that we’re not alone.
And that we certainly shouldn’t live like we are.
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Elizabeth Kaylene Said,
August 3, 2009 @ 12:08 pm
I love my surrogate relatives. My dad’s best friends have been a part of what I consider family for years, and I sometimes feel that they are just as good or better to me than some blood relatives of mine.
A friend of mine and I have always said that you don’t have to be related by blood to be family, and it is so true. I’m glad that it’s true for you, too.
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Faiqa Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 5:52 pm
@Elizabeth Kaylene, And, you know, we lived on the other side of the world from “blood” relatives, so it would have been almost unhealthy not to create surrogate relationships here.
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Elizabeth Kaylene Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 8:17 pm
@Faiqa, Sometimes you have to wonder if living that far away from your relatives is a good thing or a bad thing! (;
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Finn Said,
August 3, 2009 @ 12:20 pm
Did you have that child? Because this is not the least bit stupid.
“…the greatest predators of the love that exists between people are the people themselves.” Amen, sister. A-fuckin’-men.
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Faiqa Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 5:52 pm
@Finn, Have not had the baby. SIgh. Think of how much MORE brilliant this could have been. It’s damned astounding.
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HoosierGirl Said,
August 3, 2009 @ 1:52 pm
My commitment to another lies in placing control in the hands of a special, hand selected person, and metaphorically saying, “I’m a little afraid of this not working out the way I envisioned it, but I trust you… and even if we mess up this particular time … I know you’ll have tried your best because I know that’s how much I mean to you.”
This is a great thought, and I am sending it to my significant other right now. Amazing post.
You are a very profound thinker, Faiqa. I am impressed.
J.
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Faiqa Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 5:53 pm
@HoosierGirl, Awww, thanks. I’m glad it resonated with you.
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Kris Said,
August 3, 2009 @ 2:53 pm
I actually prefer the family I’ve chosen rather than the family I was given, if you know what I mean.
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Faiqa Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 5:53 pm
@Kris, I do, honey, I really do.
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Twinkie Said,
August 3, 2009 @ 4:46 pm
Wow! This was deep. I like your perspective!
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Faiqa Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 5:53 pm
@Twinkie, Thanks!
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Avitable Said,
August 3, 2009 @ 5:46 pm
Nah, it’s totally noble. I’d like to be in the whole Omega Man situation.
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Faiqa Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 5:55 pm
@Avitable, You would rather spend the rest of your life with horrific vampire/zombie creatures with no humanity than be dependent on another human being. Hmmm. Yeah, actually that doesn’t surprise me. At all.
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Sybil Law Said,
August 3, 2009 @ 7:37 pm
I’d go nuts without my family. Definitely an excellent post.
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Faiqa Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 7:52 am
@Sybil Law, Thanks. I’d go nuts without my family, too. I also like having family around because they make me feel like, you know, at least I’m not as nuts as *they* are.
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Robin Said,
August 3, 2009 @ 8:31 pm
I think you are my sister from another baby momma’s brother’s cousin. Seriously.
It’s almost like we sort-of share the same brain.
I am just becoming comfortable with not being so damn independent, while at the same time picking my “life family.” Living as if you’re the ONLY person that EVER feels/experiences/knows/tells things the way you’ve done is not only dumb, but it’s really lonely.
::sending birthing baby vibes:: Your son is having too much fun in your tummy. He so needs to come out now.
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Faiqa Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 7:53 am
@Robin, I think we’ve established the alter ego connection. If I were a child of Jamaican immigrants living in New York, I would obviously be you. Now. What are we having for lunch today?
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Kimberly Said,
August 3, 2009 @ 9:37 pm
Hmmm, I love my family and friends, but I don’t love them staying with me for extended periods of time. I agree with you that people (friends/family) need to stay close and be together, but I like doing it at their house so I can leave when I want.
As an only child I have been asserting my independence for years, YEARS! I can’t tell you how many times I have uttered the words, “Leave me alone!” In all seriousness though I don’t think there is anything wrong with being independent either. It’s OK to be dependent on others, but it’s important to be dependent on yourself first and foremost otherwise you can be left without a leg to stand on if the person you rely on leaves you high and dry (on purpose or not).
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Faiqa Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 7:56 am
@Kimberly, Of course, yes, I agree that being independent is, in many ways, very important. There is absolutely nothing “wrong” with it and it’s preferable in a lot of ways. Still, I think the ability to be independent gets a higher billing than the ability to trust the people in our lives. I do agree with every bit of your comment, though. That makes sense in my head.
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SciFi Dad Said,
August 4, 2009 @ 6:29 am
Great post, Faiqa.
I am SO guilty of not wanting to be dependent. For me, it’s a sign of weakness (likely originating in my mother’s inability to drive and later her illness and subsequent dependency on me and other family members for more than most people). I still (three years later) have memories of when my ankle was broken and I had to rely on my wife for a lot more as the hardest period of my life.
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Faiqa Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 7:57 am
@SciFi Dad, And your wife is exactly the type of person you *can* depend on. But, yeah, I get you. I used to be like that and occasionally I’ll have a relapse. But, now, I’m really evolved. Heh.
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Hilly Said,
August 4, 2009 @ 9:41 am
I think it’s all very symbiotic, actually. We allow ourselves to depend on another person and at one point in time, they allow themselves to depend on us (or hey, maybe even someone else). It’s the flow of human nature and you are right that it is both necessary and beautiful.
I have a hard time asking for help lately because I feel like I need it so much (emotionally) but I keep doing it because to do otherwise I’d end up locked in my house, bitter and trying to conquer the world alone. And hello, I can’t even conquer my shoe collection!
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Faiqa Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
@Hilly, I think the way you “ask” for help is exemplary. To me, you reflect the perfect balance between someone who strives for independence but recognizes the value that others can contribute in helping you.
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Shane Said,
August 4, 2009 @ 10:17 am
Some of my family found me on the Internet about twelve years ago, so it’s almost the opposite of the becoming close with non-blood relatives situation. Lucky for me, becoming close with these people never felt forced or as some sort of obligation, it just happened organically cause they’re great people who genuinely care about me (vice versa).
I have a crazy, wide-spread family, and have become very close with step-family and a half sibling. Other half siblings I haven’t established a bond with, and that’s fine, too.I totally agree that it’ s the personal connection, not the blood bond, that really cements a long-lasting relationship.
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Faiqa Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 5:21 pm
@Shane, They found you on the Internet? I’m intrigued.
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Shane Reply:
August 9th, 2009 at 5:40 pm
@Faiqa, When I was in my freshman year at UF, I got this random letter from Switzerland from a lady saying she was my cousin. So yeah, that was actually 14 years ago. Since then, I’ve been to Switzerland twice, lived with my Cali family for a summer, and they’re actually the reason I discovered San Francisco and eventually moved here.
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hello haha narf Said,
August 4, 2009 @ 12:16 pm
i always thought i was fiercely independent until one day i looked around and realized that i wouldn’t be me without my family, friends and even my dogs. turns out, i am all about dependent. but on my terms. sorta. (if i think it is on my terms then somehow i still feel independent. man…i am a whackjob and a half!)
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Faiqa Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
@hello haha narf, Well, it’s a balance between considering oneself independent and knowing you need others. I think you maintain that balance beautifully. The fact that you are grateful for your dogs warms me to the depths of my soul. Becky, you are a gem.
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tariq Said,
August 4, 2009 @ 12:45 pm
I thought you were going to write a post about how you get irritated by women who complain about feminists??? How did you go from that thought process to this?
Although I love having lots of family stay with us, even for extended periods of time…my best times are spent playing silly games with just you and Nuha.
Love you.
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Faiqa Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 5:24 pm
@tariq, I love you, too.
But, dude, seriously? WHY DON’T YOU JUST TELL *EVERYBODY* EVERYTHING I’M GOING TO WRITE?!!
Stuff like this is why I always say you can’t keep a secret.
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Slyde Said,
August 4, 2009 @ 1:04 pm
as always, quite profound…. i find myself usually having a VERY low tolerance for my family.. i need to work on that.
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Faiqa Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
@Slyde, Family: The universe’s way of saying, “Oh, yeah, how you like THEM apples?”
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Princess of the Universe Said,
August 4, 2009 @ 1:22 pm
This was such a thought-provoking post. I like to think of myself as SO independent, and not needing anyone else- but it’s a bunch of crap.
And you’re right- it’s also a bit unnatural – it’s not the way humans were created. I almost kind of feel like this post has allowed me to give myself permission to need/rely on people more.
Wonderful perspective…
xo
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Faiqa Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
@Princess of the Universe, Thanks so much, I’m glad you liked it.
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Miss Britt Said,
August 4, 2009 @ 2:03 pm
I suck at dependence.
And at times it makes me proud, and others it makes me sad that there are very few people I trust enough to lean on. Because I know that’s about me, not them.
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Faiqa Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
@Miss Britt, People have a right to feel like they need to protect themselves. I don’t know if that need will *always* serve them, but it’s understandable. And, sometimes, putting your trust and self on the line is just too exhausting.
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Becca Said,
August 4, 2009 @ 2:36 pm
This post is so insightful! When I first came out my portions of my blood family were less than receptive. In turn, I have had to find my ‘family’. These are the people I depend on with my life. And you know, they are (and were) there for me when my dad died. We all understand what it means to be alone and how to make the family you need from those that you are connected to, even if they are not blood. Does any of this make sense?
People wonder why teh gays call ourselves ‘family’, and this is precisely why. You cannot survive alone. All humans need other humans, even when we are screaming “get away from me!” Thank you for reminding me about the friends who take care, sometimes I forget.
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Faiqa Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
@Becca, I do know what you mean. And I’m so glad that you found people who support you and love you the way you deserve… the way *everyone* deserves to be loved.
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Kate Said,
August 4, 2009 @ 4:30 pm
Huh. I guess you were right — there IS a theme going around the Internet.
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Faiqa Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
@Kate, Told ya’! Weird, huh?!
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fidget Said,
August 6, 2009 @ 9:35 am
I find myself increasing alone as people continue to violate our trust and not respect our choices as a family. Oddly, my mother and my SIL, both whom were horrified once we kept going after 2 kids, have grown closer and more accepting. We don’t see enough of them though and we lack the circle of support we wish we could be a part of. We keep shopping for a church to build that sense of community but havent found a place we fit in just yet
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whall Said,
August 7, 2009 @ 3:10 am
What a great person to be dependent upon (I’m talking about you)
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Nanna Said,
August 26, 2009 @ 11:33 am
Well I’m an idiot in that I JUST read this post but you are so so so right. Being able and gracious and humble enough to allow yourself to depend on others takes a WHOLE lot more…of…uh…grace and humility I suppose.
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Faiqa Said,
August 28, 2009 @ 5:41 pm
@Nanna, Hehehehehe…
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