Apparently, there’s this thing that pregnant women do called, “nesting.”

And, well, that’s what I’m doing instead of writing.

Just thought you should know.

If you have any cleaning, cooking, or laundry that needs to be done, you may want to invite me over.  I can’t seem to help myself these days.

The most important part of maintaining a stable and loving relationship with one’s spouse, and when I write spouse I actually mean “husband,” is open and clear communication.  Yes, a happy marriage is highly dependent upon the quality and directness of communication. Being passive aggressive only fuels, well… aggression.

And a really great marriage is the result of open and direct communication that occurs in plain view of the entire Internet.

How To Be The Perfect Spouse

or, “How To Avoid Near Death Experiences When Your Wife Is 35 Weeks Pregnant”

****************

Lesson 1: A Job Done Is Actually Done

Vocabulary Terms:

Putting our child to bed:

A series of activities constituted of the following actions,

Helping her change her clothes.

Reminding her not to throw the clothes she just changed out of onto the floor.

Making sure she puts those clothes in a receptacle of some sort, preferably a hamper.

Giving her a glass of water or milk.

Having her drink said water or milk.

Having her wash her hands and brush her teeth after drinking milk.

Flossing her teeth after she has brushed them.

Selecting two to three books which do not exceed 6 or 7 pages in length to read before bed.

Reading said books to her.

Rubbing her back for a few minutes.

Telling her, “No, you cannot sleep with Mommy and Daddy” in a firm, yet kind voice.  And sounding like you actually and truly mean it and not like you’re some poor guy who got stuck operating the gas chambers at a concentration camp.

Turning off the light.

Waiting ten minutes for her to emerge into the family room and patiently listening to her declarations of “I’m-not-tired-I-don’t-like-my-bed-it’s-too-hot-can-I-please-just-sleep-in-Mama’s-bed-I’m-hungry-why-don’t-we-discuss-the-impact-that-the-post-colonial-condition-and-contrived-nationalism-has-had-upon-the-current-state-of-Palestinian-Israeli-U.S.-relations-before-I-go-to-bed?”

Taking her hand and walking her back to her bed and telling her it’s time to sleep.

Telling her when she wanders into our room at 3 a.m. that she cannot climb into our bed, but must sleep on the makeshift bed we have made in anticipation of this event that is at the foot of our bed.

Not waking me up while all of this is happening.

***

Summary

Putting a load of laundry into the washing machine is not “doing the laundry.”

Loading the dishwasher is not “doing the dishes.”

Helping your child change into their pajamas is not “putting her to bed.”

These activities are simply known as “loading the washing machine,” “loading the dishwasher,” and “helping our child put on her pajamas.”

If one does not wish to “do the laundry,”do the dishes,” or “put her to bed,” then one should simply state that one does not wish to do so and that one is merely willing to participate in only one of the MANY tasks associated with this one particular job.

Then, one will not have to wonder why one’s head is being bitten off when one has simply stated, “I did the laundry.”

Bonus Math Lesson:  The appreciation associated with any task pertaining to household maintenance is diminished by approximately 20% every time someone must remind their husband spouse to do it.  After the fifth time, gratefulness actually turns into rage, which increases by, again, about 20%, concurrent with the number of times asked.  Until… well, infinity.  Because rage knows no limits.

Stay tuned for future installments of please keep me from being incarcerated for the rest of my life and the messy trial that will precede that, ahem, “How to Be the Perfect Spouse”.