Have you ever been talking to someone and they’re being sarcastic and you’re being sarcastic and all of a sudden you quickly realize that this conversation just exited from the HaHaAren’tWeAllBeingCute Interstate to PassiveAggressiveLand?
This happened in a conversation I was having with family the other night.
My family has no shortage of alpha males and alpha females. A lot of people I’m related to are intensely strong, opinionated, and talented in some way or another. The thing about alpha personalities, of course, is that though their talents come in handy and produce great success for the benefit of those closest to them, within the undertones of every relationship is a fight for dominance.
It doesn’t matter how much you love one another, the need for the “win” is always there.
Not to sound all self righteous, but I realized this several years ago. I decided I wasn’t going to play that game, again.
If I feel like there is some sort of alpha dogging going on in a conversation, I generally withdraw. I mean, it’s not as if I’m discussing foreign policy with the security minister of Iran. These are living room conversations. Nothing hangs in the balance except for someone’s ego. I know I’m a talented and intelligent woman, and I don’t need to win an argument to continue believing that.
So, I can handle the alpha personality quite well.
You know who I have a hard time handling? Betas. I don’t know if that’s a real term, so let me define what I mean by “beta.”
A beta is not just a person who goes with the flow. The betas I’m talking about never argue. They rarely assert their own needs, wishes or desires. Even if they want to. Even if they should. They don’t make the tough decisions because they think that’s the alpha’s job.
You’d think that as a self described alpha, I’d appreciate that. Who doesn’t want a band of sycophants hanging on their every word all the while mixing their adoration of you with genuine fear?
I don’t. I don’t appreciate that, at all. Mostly because, betas always find a way to let you know that they don’t like the way things are going. And they are almost always cruel about it.
There is nothing worse than thinking that you’ve gone out of your way to be careful in considering the needs of someone else and then having them tell you in some cowardly passive aggressive joke that they think you’re a jerk.
See, for me, it’s not about winning. I don’t come into a situation and assume responsibility because I need to be in charge. I do it because nobody else is doing it. I do it for the benefit of everyone. And you know what I’ve noticed? That the people who benefit the most from my assumption of duties or responsibilities are the ones who are the cruelest.
In other words, the people who are least able and likely to take the initiative to solve a problem are the most likely to act like detriments the whole time it’s being solved.
They’re the ones that will make snippy comments just above earshot while I’m trying to work something out with someone else.
Or who expect me to feel bad and treat them like a martyr because they were too much of an idiot to ask for what they needed when they needed it.
Or say things about how I’m “scary” and how they wouldn’t want cross me while I’m trying to plan something.
Or roll their eyes when they find out that I’ve successfully done something exactly the way it’s supposed to be done.
I will not apologize for being good at things or for my excellence.
I will not apologize for being a strong, organized person who takes initiative in every situation with which I am presented.
I will not apologize because other people are too insecure and afraid to express their needs.
I would rather people just be kind and say, “Thank you,” or dispense with the passive aggressive displays that clearly underline their own feelings of inadequacy.
Just because someone feels bad about themselves does not make it OK to be cruel to those who don’t.
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Hilly Said,
July 27, 2009 @ 10:19 am
So..it was a good party, then?
Seriously, I agree a thousand percent and not because I am a sycophantic Faiqette who just wants to be near my Teen Dream. Your last line sums it up perfectly and I was JUST talking to someone about that yesterday. People that are unhappy with themselves are the nasty kind of “sarcastic”…the ones who tear you down and make a joke OF you rather than WITH you.
You are right. Alphas get a bad rep sometimes but we should never have to apologize for speaking our minds and being honest rather than hiding behind someone else’s skirt while making crappy comments.
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Faiqa Reply:
July 27th, 2009 at 10:27 am
@Disco Diva, No, no, the party was awesome!! The people of whom I speak were in no way affiliated with the party.
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Hilly Reply:
July 27th, 2009 at 10:29 am
@Faiqa, Oh oh oh, sorry…didn’t mean to infer! Me and my damned need to be jokey all the time!
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Finn Said,
July 27, 2009 @ 10:36 am
Put up or shut up, I say. If you’re not going to make an effort, you don’t get to complain.
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Faiqa Reply:
July 27th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
@Finn, EXACTLY.
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Miss Britt Said,
July 27, 2009 @ 10:42 am
I am absolutely an alpha, and I find it very difficult to avoid smacking the shit out of betas.
Especially the ones who want to be alphas so bad they can taste it – but, you know, don’t, and, it’s OK, and, you know.
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Faiqa Reply:
July 27th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
@Miss Britt, I do know. I also know that you get a lot of crap for being an alpha, just like I do. And it’s irritating that some people think they can write/say/do whatever they want to us as though *our* strength and initiative excuses *their* complacency and bad manners.
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Becky Said,
July 27, 2009 @ 10:50 am
What I can’t stand is when two people can be sarcastic during a conversation, but then one person has to get rude and insulting and cover it by saying “I’m just kidding”. Talk about passive aggressive rearing it ugly little head. I have no tolerance for that.
I work with quite a few of the Beta personalities. And one day I’m going to get into trouble. I figure that as long as I accept that, I’m ok with it!
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Faiqa Reply:
July 27th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
@Becky, Yeah, and you know that they are so NOT kidding. I think serious complaints should be addressed directly, anything less is just… unkind.
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B.E. Earl Said,
July 27, 2009 @ 11:35 am
I walk the fine line between alpha and just not giving a shit. It’s really a game-time decision for me.
And the second to last sentence of the post reminded me of Jack Nicholson in “A Few Good Men”.
“I would rather you just said “thank you,” and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest that you pick up a weapon and stand a post. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to.” – Col Jessup
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Faiqa Reply:
July 27th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
@B.E. Earl, Heh. I thought of Colonel Jessup right after I wrote that line, too!
And as much as I tried I could not find a way to work in “You can’t handle the truth.”
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Jason Said,
July 27, 2009 @ 11:57 am
Thought provoking, as usual, Faiqa. As I read this I tried to decide what I am. I know I’m not an alpha. I don’t think any of my five siblings are alphas either. Not a one. But we’re not really betas either, although I have had my share of passive-aggressive moments. What do you call those inbetweeners? Bi?
I am, however, very close to some alphas in my life. Sometimes I just want to throttle them, as much as I love them to death.
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Faiqa Reply:
July 27th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
@Jason, I call the in betweeners “my friends.”
Many of my closest friends are not “alphas.” I think I’ll call them “brave betas.”
They’re my friends and retain my respect because they don’t act like they’re OK with me to my face and then another way when they think I’m not paying attention. They know that they can (and I know that they will) call me out when I *deserve* a “throttling.” And that happens.
I cherish “brave betas” for their courage to stay my friend and their ability to stand up to me.
And, I get a little passive aggressive with certain people in my life. But NEVER with anyone I truly respect. Which is why it bothers me when someone gets passive aggressive with me.
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SciFi Dad Said,
July 27, 2009 @ 1:49 pm
It’s all about the win. Second place is just the first loser. It only matters that you tried your best if you didn’t win.
Also? Will you apologize for not having had that baby yet?
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Faiqa Reply:
July 27th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
@SciFi Dad, You’re a younger brother, aren’t you? You are, I am so sure of it.
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NYCWD Said,
July 27, 2009 @ 2:05 pm
I know the personality type you’re referring to but I don’t call them “Betas”.
I call them “Zetas” because they are the last on my list of those who’s opinion matters to me.
Are you still preggers? Wasup with that???
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Faiqa Reply:
July 27th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
@NYCWD, ZETAS!! I LOVE IT! I am still preggers. You’ll know when I’m not anymore.
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Becca Said,
July 27, 2009 @ 3:03 pm
Hi, delurking here for probably only the second time to say, I totally agree!
Working in a prison, I see my fair share of both betas and alphas. Being an alpha myself, I find it to tolerate the passive aggressive bs that I deal with at work on a daily basis.
Luckily for me, we have no betas at home so I don’t have to worry about it here.
I have never understood the inability to ask for help, tell people what you want, or just stand up. Even when I am trying to be nice, I get all the things that you do. Oh she’s so scary. If people really knew how many times I come home and cry because of stupid crap, they would see a different side!
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Faiqa Reply:
July 27th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
@Becca, “Even when I am trying to be nice…” Yep, I get that completely.
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Ren Said,
July 27, 2009 @ 3:38 pm
I sense the makings of an online quiz… Are you an Alpha? A Beta? A Jaded Alpha? A Brave Beta? Or a Delta?
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Faiqa Reply:
July 27th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
@Ren, Yeah, we do need a Facebook quiz for that.
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Sheila (Charm School Reject) Said,
July 27, 2009 @ 4:47 pm
I have no clue what I am in regards to this. I guess the bastard child of the two during their steamy one night stand that happened after a long night of drinking.
I have the ability to stand up for myself and sometimes I do. But I’m also a total chickenshit when it comes to certain people in my life.
Sometimes I just feel it’s not worth the effort because, in the end, I always wind up being the bad guy.
I only play passive aggressive with my husband. And then I get all guilty and ridiculous and stuff. So it’s a lose lose situation really.
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Faiqa Reply:
July 27th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
@Sheila (Charm School Reject), I definitely get that “it’s not worth the effort” thing. I don’t think that qualifies as being “passive agressive” as long as one lets it go. It’s when people pretend like it doesn’t matter when it does and then try to act like they’re upset about something else. If that makes ANY sense.
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Kimberly Said,
July 27, 2009 @ 5:19 pm
I’m a say what I mean, mean what I say kind of person. I hate the PA thing for sure. That’s not to say that certain people don’t bring that out in me for various reasons. I don’t think most people fit perfectly in the A or B category – for a lot it changes depending on the situation, at least it does for me.
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Sybil Law Said,
July 27, 2009 @ 6:21 pm
Passive aggressive shit is just that – shit. If you don’t have the guts to say it outright, just don’t.
I’m more of a quiet alpha type. I take charge of most stuff because someone needs to do it! Someone might think I’m a beta, and I am cool with that perception, but if you push me too far, you’ll see how alpha I really am. I just don’t need it to be obvious – in fact, it works better when it’s a sneak attack. Haha
Regardless, I think people who don’t say thank you are just ingrates with bad, bad manners.
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Avitable Said,
July 28, 2009 @ 4:43 pm
I worry about the gammas. They get angry and then turn green and smash shit up.
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Shane Said,
August 2, 2009 @ 1:38 pm
I was having a conversation last night about San Francisco being a bit of a passive aggressive city. It’s different in different neighborhoods, but some people out here do seem a little disingenuous. I prefer the NYC method, where people will just tell you to your face if they think you’re full of shit.
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whall Said,
August 2, 2009 @ 10:29 pm
Your characterization of betas remind me of Daphny Taggart’s incompetent brother and his ilk in Atlas Shrugged.
And a little bit of the 2nd class citizens in Brave New World.
And some of the kids on Barney. I mean, crap they just sit there and sing and love him and stuff but they secretly hate the guy working the suit inside.
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whall Reply:
August 2nd, 2009 at 10:30 pm
@whall, Dagny
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hello haha narf Said,
August 3, 2009 @ 10:01 am
i’m thinking i am not truly an alpha or a beta. usually i go with the flow, unless there is something i really want or need, then i speak the fuck up. i don’t argue so much as ask people to look at things in a different manner. what does that make me?
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Elizabeth Kaylene Said,
August 3, 2009 @ 11:30 am
How is it that you always seem to write about the subjects on my mind in such a way that it makes sense?? This has been bugging me for so long. I’m definitely a Type A, alpha, whatever you want to call it. I have a friend who is so a beta, and it drives me freaking crazy to watch her let everyone and anyone step all over her. Sometimes, I seriously want to slap and shake her for being so submissive. I cannot count how many times I have told her to stand up for herself, and it just doesn’t matter. It’s so frustrating. I’m glad that I’m not crazy! lmao Thank you, thank you, thank you! <3
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