How To Be The Perfect Spouse,Lesson 1
The most important part of maintaining a stable and loving relationship with one’s spouse, and when I write spouse I actually mean “husband,” is open and clear communication. Yes, a happy marriage is highly dependent upon the quality and directness of communication. Being passive aggressive only fuels, well… aggression.
And a really great marriage is the result of open and direct communication that occurs in plain view of the entire Internet.
How To Be The Perfect Spouse
or, “How To Avoid Near Death Experiences When Your Wife Is 35 Weeks Pregnant”
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Lesson 1: A Job Done Is Actually Done
Vocabulary Terms:
Putting our child to bed:
A series of activities constituted of the following actions,
Helping her change her clothes.
Reminding her not to throw the clothes she just changed out of onto the floor.
Making sure she puts those clothes in a receptacle of some sort, preferably a hamper.
Giving her a glass of water or milk.
Having her drink said water or milk.
Having her wash her hands and brush her teeth after drinking milk.
Flossing her teeth after she has brushed them.
Selecting two to three books which do not exceed 6 or 7 pages in length to read before bed.
Reading said books to her.
Rubbing her back for a few minutes.
Telling her, “No, you cannot sleep with Mommy and Daddy” in a firm, yet kind voice. And sounding like you actually and truly mean it and not like you’re some poor guy who got stuck operating the gas chambers at a concentration camp.
Turning off the light.
Waiting ten minutes for her to emerge into the family room and patiently listening to her declarations of “I’m-not-tired-I-don’t-like-my-bed-it’s-too-hot-can-I-please-just-sleep-in-Mama’s-bed-I’m-hungry-why-don’t-we-discuss-the-impact-that-the-post-colonial-condition-and-contrived-nationalism-has-had-upon-the-current-state-of-Palestinian-Israeli-U.S.-relations-before-I-go-to-bed?”
Taking her hand and walking her back to her bed and telling her it’s time to sleep.
Telling her when she wanders into our room at 3 a.m. that she cannot climb into our bed, but must sleep on the makeshift bed we have made in anticipation of this event that is at the foot of our bed.
Not waking me up while all of this is happening.
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Summary
Putting a load of laundry into the washing machine is not “doing the laundry.”
Loading the dishwasher is not “doing the dishes.”
Helping your child change into their pajamas is not “putting her to bed.”
These activities are simply known as “loading the washing machine,” “loading the dishwasher,” and “helping our child put on her pajamas.”
If one does not wish to “do the laundry,”do the dishes,” or “put her to bed,” then one should simply state that one does not wish to do so and that one is merely willing to participate in only one of the MANY tasks associated with this one particular job.
Then, one will not have to wonder why one’s head is being bitten off when one has simply stated, “I did the laundry.”
Bonus Math Lesson: The appreciation associated with any task pertaining to household maintenance is diminished by approximately 20% every time someone must remind their husband spouse to do it. After the fifth time, gratefulness actually turns into rage, which increases by, again, about 20%, concurrent with the number of times asked. Until… well, infinity. Because rage knows no limits.
Stay tuned for future installments of please keep me from being incarcerated for the rest of my life and the messy trial that will precede that, ahem, “How to Be the Perfect Spouse”.
Stumble it!
July 2nd, 2009 at 9:37 am
Screw the internet.
You should teach a class.
Where do I sign Jared up?
Can we, perhaps, start Bollywood night with a quick orientation into said class? Please?
And Tariq? Shame on you, man! I cluck my tongue and shake my head in a very judgey way at you.
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Faiqa Reply:
July 2nd, 2009 at 10:52 am
@Miss Britt, I think we should teach it together. I’ll do the lesson, you can be the principal. (Did that sound dirty, or was it just me?)
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July 2nd, 2009 at 9:50 am
I don’t know. That discussion of the impact of post colonialism conditions and nationalism sounds kind of hard to pass up
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Faiqa Reply:
July 2nd, 2009 at 10:52 am
@Kailyn, She makes really good points, too. It’s just we’re trying to cacth up on the DVR, so it’s kind of annoying.
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July 2nd, 2009 at 10:14 am
Putting a load of laundry in the washing machine is totally doing the laundry and what else is left of doing the dishes except putting the dishes in the dishwasher? Damn witchy women and your witchy women ways.
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Faiqa Reply:
July 2nd, 2009 at 10:53 am
@Avitable, I knew this post was going to be divided on gender lines. So, you can see hoe I’m confused by your stance. Since you’re a GIRL.
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Avitable Reply:
July 2nd, 2009 at 10:58 am
@Faiqa, must be my testosterone speaking.
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Faiqa Reply:
July 2nd, 2009 at 11:58 am
@Avitable, How much did it kill you not to tell me that I wrote “hoe” instead of “how”?
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Avitable Reply:
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:36 pm
@Faiqa, you have no idea how much restraint that took.
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Sybil Law Reply:
July 2nd, 2009 at 5:36 pm
@Avitable, I thought you meant to call him a ‘HO! Hahahaha
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July 2nd, 2009 at 10:22 am
Can we do this class on the internet? Because, uh, yeah, had to have a somewhat similar conversation with my husband last night.
Of course, I’m not thirty-five weeks pregnant so I doubt the jury would feel much sympathy for me. You though? They’d totally let you off.
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Faiqa Reply:
July 2nd, 2009 at 11:59 am
@Sheila (Charm School Reject), Yeah, I’m really banking on the pregnancy psychosis defense.
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July 2nd, 2009 at 10:28 am
Why does that all make perfect sense to me, but my husband would be all “What? I don’t know what you are talking about” except that he does all the laundry so that one doesn’t count in our house. I would add to “doing the dishes” an even more specific initial step which is that putting the dishes on the counter or in the sink does not count as cleaning up.
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Faiqa Reply:
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:00 pm
@MidLifeMama, Yes, and unloading the dishwasher is totally part of doing the dishes, too!
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July 2nd, 2009 at 10:35 am
This should teach this to boys right after the filmstrip about what is happening to their bodies. Or maybe right before because my son claimed he was traumatized after seeing the cartoon genitals.
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Finn Reply:
July 2nd, 2009 at 10:36 am
Or THEY should. Or this, whichever.
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Faiqa Reply:
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:02 pm
@Finn, Cartoon genitals. Oh, the humanity.
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July 2nd, 2009 at 10:48 am
1. Thanks for the support Avitable.
2. As MidLifeMama’s husband would say, “What? I don’t know what you are talking about?”
3. Just so you know, N. and I are completely happy going to bed wherever we feel like in the house, without brushing our teeth, considering laundry to be done once it is put into the dryer, dishes to be ‘done’ once the dishwasher starts its cycle.
4. Most importantly you forgot to mention that pregnant women are highly amnesiac and they do things like forget where they put their car keys (when they are at Walmart), lose the second set of keys and forget to tell their husband that they lost them, forget where they kept their sunglasses, wallet, shoes, a dress that they had just cleaned and hung the day before, jacket that they had just worn that same morning, a packet of gum that they had just bought, forget what time her cousin is arriving even though her 3 year old daughter remembers, etc. etc. etc. (I will bring up the rest of the examples during that class you teach that Britt suggested).
Enjoy your day honey and I better not get a call with something like “do you know where my is???!”
Love you.
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Faiqa Reply:
July 2nd, 2009 at 10:51 am
@tariq, Huh. It’s funny. As far as last words go, those wouldn’t have been *my* choice.
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Avitable Reply:
July 2nd, 2009 at 10:52 am
@Faiqa, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
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Sybil Law Reply:
July 2nd, 2009 at 5:39 pm
@tariq, I don’t get what the problem is…
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July 2nd, 2009 at 11:08 am
Well, even though everything i said was true…i still don’t want to die!
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Nanna Reply:
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:34 pm
@tariq, Wow. And I thought SHE was the smart one!
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July 2nd, 2009 at 12:04 pm
Is it wrong that I am just insanely jealous that you have a machine that washes your dishes?
Probably.
Oh well.
I am.
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Faiqa Reply:
July 2nd, 2009 at 2:27 pm
@NYCWD, We have this box that keeps our food clod, too. It’s called a refrigerator. And another one that heats up our food with irradiated heat. It’s called a microwave. Obviously, we live the high life down here in Florida.
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July 2nd, 2009 at 12:35 pm
It doesn’t get any better sweetheart. I’m just saying
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Faiqa Reply:
July 2nd, 2009 at 2:28 pm
@Nanna, But I get more tolerant and patient, right? RIGHT?!!!
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July 2nd, 2009 at 3:06 pm
Oh. My. God.
Ty-man HAS to read this.
And? The one thing that will make me lose my shit every time? When dishes are placed on the counter. One inch from the sink.
Death.
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Finn Reply:
July 2nd, 2009 at 3:27 pm
@Coal Miner’s Granddaughter, How about IN the sink when the dishwasher is EMPTY?
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July 2nd, 2009 at 4:22 pm
I can.not.wait. for future installments. You might just be able to improve my marriage with this (since I’m the one who “does” the laundry this way)(and now I’m worried I might be a man.)
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July 2nd, 2009 at 5:38 pm
Obviously, our husbands took the same “Half – assed Chores 101″ in Husband school. And then they failed.
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July 2nd, 2009 at 6:00 pm
I feel so much better knowing that my husband is not the only one that does this! Thank you for bringing this frightening trend to light
I will enroll Travis in your call right away…and I expect him to bring home notes!
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July 3rd, 2009 at 8:37 am
The question is, why would a man actually do the chores when it’s easier to play the battle of wills and see how long before your wife gives up and does it herself?
In all seriousness, I have to wonder if it’s better to try or to leave it completely. For example, would it be better if he had left the laundry OUT of the washer rather than start the process and not complete it?
I know for me, there are too many rules for laundry (does the load get one rinse or two, in hot, cold, warm, or semi-tepid not too hot not too cool, what soap – Tide, Woolite, the enviro-green distilled from kitten tears baby one… does it need fabric softener… etc) so my personal demarcation point of responsibility begins and ends at the basket (as in, I’ll get the clothes into the basket and get the basket within proximity of the machine, and that’s it until they’re dry, because the dryer is a WHOLE other mess of problems: what gets hung, what gets fluffed then hung, what gets dried for 20 minutes, what gets a full cycle).
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July 4th, 2009 at 9:53 am
whats “laundry”?
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July 4th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
I asked my husband to do the dishes the other night. Everything was loaded into the dishwasher which was then turned on. But a pile of dirty pots remained. ‘Why didn’t you do those dishes?’ I asked. ‘They’re not dishes, they’re pots,’ he replied.
Waiting for your future installments. I need reinforcements to tackle this one!
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Lexi Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 10:33 pm
@Selma, pots aren’t dishes at my house, either. So glad I’m not alone!
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July 6th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
I love the excuses kids will think up. My two-year-old cousin’s new response to everything she does wrong is, “it’s okay” in a reassuring tone, as if you’re worried about the weather or you just scraped your knee.
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July 6th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
At least Tariq puts them IN the dishwasher. Z only puts them in the sink, even when the dishwasher is empty! I love- “household maintenance is diminished by approximately 20%…”
It’s a no win. You remind them and you’re nagging. You don’t remind them and it’s, “I forgot. ” If they didn’t FORGET so often, we wouldn’t have to remind so often. I wish I had someone to remind me of all the things I need to do. Why do I have to do my things and remind him to do his things?
That being said, he has been picking up a lot more slack since I’ve been pregnant. All of a sudden, I just don’t give a damn about the dirty dishes as much. It’s a wonderful freedom that I hope sticks around.
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July 6th, 2009 at 7:06 pm
You are pregnant? I have not been here a while. Congratulations!!
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July 6th, 2009 at 10:35 pm
Oh, how my husband needs your class! I firmly believe that if something is done half-assed, it’s still his “turn”!
I LOVE the bonus math lesson.
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July 8th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
yet more reasons that i love being single.
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