Obviously, I’ve made it abundantly clear that this month was “Parent/In-Law Sycophant Month” here on my blog. As evidenced by these posts.
Is it fair to assume that we can dispense with the pleasantries, then?
Letting the familial piety gene ravage through your life unabated and unchecked promises to wreak utter devastation in the best of circumstances.
For example, say you have a child. She’s a sweet, darling, obedient little girl who only requires a time out every six to eight weeks. This child under the regime of grandparents will become a monster.
The kind of monster that, if you were Catholic, would require you to cross yourself and say a couple of rosaries before you dared to tell her she couldn’t have that fifth brownie for breakfast.
And why has she had five brownies for breakfast?
Because between Super Duper Guilt Inducing Saudi Grandma and Her Royal Alpha Femaleness American Grandma, your self righteous declarations of how sugar is actually bad for a three year old when consumed as if it were oxygen are completely futile.
My mother, the doctor, actually told me that brownies are good for my child because they have milk and eggs in them.
Honestly? I think she should get her license revoked for that.
You won’t believe what happened last week. I wouldn’t believe it if I hadn’t been there myself.
I noticed that my daughter had gone into the pantry and shut the door. I wasn’t completely surprised by this, as she’s done this on many occasions. Usually, I’ll find her in there rearranging the labels on the shelves and sorting the items accordingly. Because she is perfect and wonderful. Just. Like. Me.
Anyway, I assumed it was business as usual, but that little helicopter mom voice in me asked, “What if she’s scaling the pantry shelves in an ill thought out King Kong re-enactment?” Visions of my child eating her way out of a mountain of Teddy Grahams and Oreo cookies prompted me to check on her immediately.
I opened the pantry door and looked on in horror as the three year old child before me quickly shoved handfuls of plain sugar into her mouth. Sugar, i.e., crack rock for a three year old.
Despite my take charge aggressive nature, I stood there. Completely frozen.
Because, first of all, what the hell?
And, second, it was seriously the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.
But, no. It was wrong. Oh, so very wrong.
What happened next? Was even more incredibly wrong.
She looked at me and said, “Mama, I’m busy. Get. Out.”
You’re busy?!
Eating sugar?!!
With your bare hands?!!!
DID SHE JUST TELL ME TO GET OUT?!!!!
I steeled myself for the ice cold water that would have to pulse through my veins in order to administer what would most likely go down in history as the mother of all time outs.
And, then. From around the corner, she appeared.
Saudi Grandma.
“OHMYGAAAAAWWWWD-SOOOOSWEET-SHE-IS-SO-CUTE-HOW-CLEVER-MY-DARLING-MY-SWEEETHEART…”
It all happened so fast.
One minute I’m preparing to become the swift hand of justice. And the next? I’m the fun blasting fuzz at a fraternity kegger.
Approximately forty five million thoughts regarding accountability and consequences and blah-di-parenting-books-blah went through my head in those twenty seconds, but all that seemed to make sense was one petty little conclusion.
There is no way I’m going down as the bad guy here.
So.
I smiled really big and scooped her up in my arms and said really loud, “AWWW-THAT-IS-SOO-SWEET-YOU-ARE-A-CLEVER-LITTLE-ONE!!” I hugged my cute, clever, sweetheart really tight and walked slowly past Saudi Grandma who beamed at my daughter as I walked past.
I looked into my daughter’s eyes, then put my cheek next to her sweet little face. And then, I lowered my voice to the point where only my daughter and dogs could hear it and whispered through clenched teeth, “And if I ever catch you doing that again, you are going to be get a super bad time out.”
Apparently, passive aggressive parenting is totally the Super Duper Grandma kryptonite.
More importantly, does anyone know what the nuance that distinguishes a regular time out from a “super bad” one is going to be?
I sure don’t.
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Sybil Law Said,
June 24, 2009 @ 12:10 am
Oh my.
I deal with the monster every single time she comes home from my parents’ house. It’s a complete 3 days of serious attitude adjustment. My mom is always saying, “She’s NEVER any trouble here!”, and I’m like, “Why the hell would she HAVE to be when you literally give her anything she wants and bow to her requests?!!”!
It is fucking beyond irritating.
But I’ve also done that low voice. It is damned effective, yes?!
As far as a super bad timeout, don’t worry – her little imagination will conjure up her own image of what that might be, and it will scare the crap out of her.
Or, you could lock her in a closet.
Ha!
(Not really.)
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
June 24th, 2009 at 9:55 am
@Sybil Law, Ha, “she’s never any trouble here.” My daughter has NEVER broken anything in our house. I’ve never had to put any decorations, picture frames, etc. away. My mom’s house, she’s broken at least three that I can think of. But, noooo, not any trouble.
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Avitable Said,
June 24, 2009 @ 12:22 am
The super bad one is where she has to watch Real Housewives while she’s in Time Out.
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Faiqa Reply:
June 24th, 2009 at 9:57 am
@Avitable, Hahahaha… I should tell her that if she doesn’t do better, I’ll send her to one of those women who will then become her new mommy. Hopefully, she won’t catch on to the fact that this also translates to the fact that she gets a brand new BMW when she turns 16.
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Kimberly Said,
June 24, 2009 @ 12:57 am
Wow! You’re solution was brilliant.
This is so funny. My mom is dying to do this with grandchildren, but since she doesn’t have any I let her spoil my dog.
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
June 24th, 2009 at 9:57 am
@Kimberly, My brother has dogs. My mom always jokes about them being my *dad’s* grandkids.
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Shariq Said,
June 24, 2009 @ 2:48 am
man, i cant keep missing all of this cuteness (maashaallah). we have to see you guys, fast!
i am making duaa
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
June 24th, 2009 at 9:58 am
@Shariq, We really, really, really MISS you.
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Shabina Said,
June 24, 2009 @ 3:06 am
LOL… this is hilarious… exactly what happens with ibbz… i always end up being the bad guy.. , n here he is giving me a super cute *innocent* smile as I type this
lotsa love to nuha n u,
shabina
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
June 24th, 2009 at 9:58 am
@Shabina, I have a lot of respect for you, sweetheart. You’re handling it all beautifully.
[Reply]
RebTurtle Said,
June 24, 2009 @ 3:25 am
“Super bad time out”
ROTFLTLAAFHA
(Rolling on the floor laughing, then laughing at Adam for hating acronyms)
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
June 24th, 2009 at 10:01 am
@RebTurtle, Like that, huh? It was totally spur of the moment.
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Karen Sugarpants Said,
June 24, 2009 @ 6:46 am
Duct tape?
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Faiqa Reply:
June 24th, 2009 at 10:02 am
@Karen Sugarpants, We are so alike. I already thought of that.
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Robin Said,
June 24, 2009 @ 7:07 am
I LOVE the super bad time out idea…did Saudi Grandma get any pics at least?
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Faiqa Reply:
June 24th, 2009 at 10:02 am
@Robin, Lots of pictures.
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HoosierGirl Said,
June 24, 2009 @ 9:23 am
Oh…you are MUCH nicer than I am. I would have yanked her out of there, swatted her butt HARD (just once, for emphasis), and THEN made her clean it up. But then again, I’ve been a mom for almost 20 years, 3 of my kids are teenagers, and my “aw, isn’t that adorable” gene seems to be almost completely gone.
Trust me, you do NOT want to go down this path. My youngest was spoiled and babied because of the divorce and it has taken me YEARS to reverse it. And we’re still not there yet.
Hang in there. The Grandmas can’t stay forever. Can they?
J.
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
June 24th, 2009 at 10:03 am
@HoosierGirl, Oh, yeah, I wouldn’t have reacted that way if the Grandmas were a permanent fixture. I figured how much damage could they do in a month… ahem.
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Princess of the Universe Said,
June 24, 2009 @ 9:35 am
1. I think you handed that beautifully!
2. I used to sneak downstairs and eat sugar cubes. The thought of it now kind of makes me gag. No one ever caught me. Perhaps I should stop by and teach her how to be a bit more stealthy.
xo
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
June 24th, 2009 at 10:05 am
@Princess of the Universe, I did that with chocolate. Until one day, I found chocolate in my mom’s vanity in her bathroom. And, I didn’t think about why she had chocolate in there. I just gobbled it up. It tasted pretty good even though I’d never heard of the brand before: Exlax. True Story. Knowing my mom, the placement of that was completely intentional.
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SciFi Dad Said,
June 24, 2009 @ 9:38 am
Well done, Faiqa.
This is why I’m fortunate that my parents can’t visit. They try that shit at their house from time to time, but that looming threat of “If you keep it up, we’re leaving, and you don’t know when we’re coming back,” keeps them in check.
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
June 24th, 2009 at 10:07 am
@SciFi Dad, I figure it’s only for a short time and when she grows up she’ll understand that my love for her is different than theirs. That they love her for their sake, whereas I love her for her sake. Or, she’ll move out and live with them. Either way, win-win. No, I’m kidding about the last part.
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Hilly Said,
June 24, 2009 @ 9:47 am
I would have found it amusing to see her like that but only for a second! You are awesome with your stealth time out threats.
Can we just, for a moment, talk about the fact that you have labels on your shelves? How am I the only one that caught that?
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
June 24th, 2009 at 10:08 am
@Hilly, Hahahaha, I know, I can’t believe someone didn’t bust me on that sooner! Wait. What I mean is, you *don’t* have labels? Heh.
[Reply]
Sheila (Charm School Reject) Said,
June 24, 2009 @ 10:29 am
I totally would have busted up laughing if I caught one of the kids doing this – mainly because *I* used to do that. I still like sugar but these days it’s just a spoonful every now and then.
My mom is usually the disciplinarian type of grandma because she always has the kids. But she also loves to baby them – especially when it makes her the “good guy”.
My dad? Lets them do what they want, when they want, how they want.
P.S. I caught the label thing but didn’t think anyone was crazy enough to do that so assumed you meant the canned food labels.
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
June 24th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
@Sheila (Charm School Reject), Crazy?!! What’s crazy about being organized?!! Crazy is being the only person who know where to put the sugar because you don’t have labels. Labels tell everyone where stuff goes. And by everyone, I mean Tariq.
[Reply]
Finn Said,
June 24, 2009 @ 11:27 am
I used to eat plain sugar when I was little. But I used a spoon.
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Faiqa Reply:
June 24th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
@Finn, Well, yeah. I threatened the time out because she didn’t use a spoon. You didn’t think it was eating the sugar, did you?
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Tariq Said,
June 24, 2009 @ 1:22 pm
Just so you all know…Faiqa does the exact same thing. I ‘find’ half eaten choclate bars on the top shelf of the bathroom pantry all the time (for the record…she is, ofcourse, hiding them from N. and not from me).
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
June 24th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
@Tariq, Not cool.
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Miss Britt Reply:
June 25th, 2009 at 9:09 am
@Tariq, hahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahaha
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Miss Britt Said,
June 25, 2009 @ 9:09 am
Oh. My. God.
YOU KEEP THOSE SUPER GRANDPARENTS AWAY FROM MY KIDS, LADY!
Wow. I am speechless.
But, that’s partly due to the uncontrollable laughter.
[Reply]
Elizabeth Kaylene Said,
June 25, 2009 @ 3:31 pm
I laughed so hard that I think my jaw bones popped out of the newly wisdom-teeth-void holes in my mouth. This is clearly the BEST post EVER.
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hello haha narf Said,
June 26, 2009 @ 11:04 am
i have read this twice and crack up just as loudly each time.
will probably read it again this afternoon when i need another laugh.
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Traci Said,
June 26, 2009 @ 6:18 pm
That was hilarious!!! I cried from laughing so hard, but know with every laugh came a chill down my spine as I realized my time is just around the corner…brownies-eggs and milk…oh geezum.
Even though I totally agree with you, Mumaani will be arriving shortly and I promised Nuha we’d make chocolate chip cookies and brownies when I came back. I promise not to let her eat five…at least not at one time nor will I pretend they are healthy.
Real sugar-by the handful, I swear we are kindred spirits. It’s about time I got a someone on my side.
You are amazing at how you deal with these little battles.
[Reply]
Perpetual Smile » Blog Archive » Hire me, even if I’m not shy on the internet Said,
June 30, 2009 @ 11:07 pm
[...] write up a riot about how to make corn. I’m not a mother, so I can’t write about little girls shoving handfuls of sugar into their mouths. There are a lot of things I’m [...]
meow Said,
July 9, 2009 @ 4:56 am
Holy COW!! This was the most hilarious passive agressive parenting post ever!!!
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
July 9th, 2009 at 11:06 am
@meow, Thanks — it was completely true, too!!
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