A Token For Your Thoughts
An Anti-Drama Precaution: In case anyone is wondering, this post was not written as a reaction to this post. In fact, it was sort of inspired by this one.
I’m going to ask you to approach this post the way I approach most things… by focusing on intent.
I’m not prepared to engage in long defenses of what I’m about to write here because most of it is grounded in emotion. The subject is sensitive, not just for me, but for a lot of people.
I don’t mind terrorist jokes. I think they’re funny. Because I’m not a terrorist, and I think they’re idiots.
I don’t mind jokes about being “brown,” accents, 7/11s or 9/11, being good at math (or not) or having overly demanding parents. As long as the jokes are funny, humor wins every single time in my book.
I don’t even mind jokes about my religion versus your religion because as far as I’m concerned, I practice a religion that is 1400 years strong and my faith in it is not going to be diminished by humor or stereotypes.
However. I’m not fond of feeling like a “token” Muslim or Pakistani-American.
You know, the friend that’s brought up every single time someone talks about the Middle East, Pakistan or Islam.
Maybe I bring up multiculturalism so much that people miss out on the fact that I am mostly American. No. Make that all-American. Yes, I am all American. Like apple pie.
Perhaps I haven’t been clear. My affinity and knowledge of India and Pakistan is through association and travel.
I have never lived in India, Pakistan or the Middle East. I have never bought groceries, driven a car, hailed a rickshaw or lived anything remotely resembling a real life there.
Yes, I have been to those places many times. I may even know particular places intimately, but for the most part? I’m a visiting American when I’m there. I think people confuse my passionate interest in India, Pakistan and the Middle East with a pseudo-first hand expertise and, to some degree, imbue me with representativeness on the culture, politics and religion of those regions.
So, a reminder. I am an American who is informed by my parent’s heritage.
I’m not a fan of the phrase Pakistani-American. Because, in my mind, I am an American first. I have a deep love for Pakistan because of my heritage, but it’s a footnote in my identity. That is a stand that I take regarding my identity and one that makes a lot of immigrants understandably uncomfortable.
People often forget that there’s a difference between asking me a question about my own personal experience of a culture and expecting me to proselytize on the experience of an entire region as though I were from there.
If I exuberantly answer a question like, “How has political Islam impacted the state of U.S. foreign relations with Pakistan?” you should know that I can answer this question because I am well read, educated and informed on the subject. My ability to discuss this matter doesn’t stem from my heritage.
Yes, one might argue that my interest stems from my heritage. And one would be right about that, but one would be missing the point entirely. Because there are lots of Pakistani people in the world that have no idea what the term “political Islam” means or nor do they care about what that might have to do with American relations.
Like most of you, I was born and brought up in the United States. I watched the same television shows, went to the same schools, read the same books, and, for the most part, ate the same food. When someone chooses to define me in complete context to my parent’s heritage, it makes me feel like a little badge that can be worn on their arm that says “Look, I’m culturally diverse. Aren’t I awesome?”
And, besides, if you want to get all racial up in here, for the most part, my views and outlook on life is far more “white” than it is “brown.” Annd, a quick survey of my closest friends will reveal a 3:1 ratio in favor of white people. Furthermore, I believe in straight lines, not beating your children, waiting at traffic lights and happily paying the asking price for goods and services. It doesn’t get much more “non-brown” than that.
(See what I did there? I got offensive, but it was funny).
I know this may be difficult to navigate. Because I’m not being totally clear on what exactly bothers me.
It may very well be that I’m not entirely clear on what bothers me.
How about this?
How Not to Make Faiqa Feel Like Your Token Brown Friend: A Quick Guide
Note: These are my opinions. I’m not a brown woman demagogue. If you want to know how other Muslim Pakistani American women married to Indian men raised in Saudi Arabia feel about this stuff, go ask them.
- Of course, I believe in being racially and culturally sensitive. I just don’t believe in assuming that every black, brown or white person should automatically identify with the broader experiences of their race/culture. I grew up in a town with two other Pakistani families. My first generation experience is completely different than a male Pakistani-American who grew up in Jackson Heights, NY. The whole spirit of multiculturalism is to avoid boxing people in, and I think a lot of people miss that point.
- I do feel slightly annoyed when people say things to the effect of, “This is Faiqa, my Pakistani American friend” when it is out of context. I find this annoying because, it’s like saying, “Hi, this is my friend Vanessa, she’s black.” Or “This is my friend John, he’s gay.” Do I really have to explain why this is annoying?
- I know this seems hypocritical, but being of Pakistani heritage is a part of my personal identity. I think it’s acceptable for me to choose when to bring it up and when to dismiss it. I think that right belongs to me alone.
- I also felt highly annoyed at teachers and professors who brought up Islam, women in Islam, the veil, Pakistan, the Middle East, beheadings, floggings, terrorism or 9/11 as side bars and then asked just me what I thought about those subjects. I understand that this was, on the part of the professors, an attempt to add perspective and diversity to their classroom. But, you know what? It. Is. Lazy. If a professor wants to add diversity to their class, they need to formulate a lesson plan that does so. Not treat me like their token ambassador to the white man. If I have something to add to their lesson, I will.
- No, I am not an angry brown woman. I understand that people who address that I have a heritage different from their own are open minded and highly evolved people.
- I just want to be treated like a person. A person. Not a demographic. Not a check in someone’s little crib sheet of diversity. If you are of European descent, I seldom consider that you are “white” when talking to or about you. OK, except for this one time when I went to lunch with my friends at an Irish restaurant. That place felt really “white.” Or, no, actually, I felt really “brown.” But, I digress. What I mean is, I hope that you don’t allow my heritage to color your perceptions of every interaction between us, either. I would like it to be treated as a footnote. Not an introduction, summary, abstract and bibliography.
- Are there any Japanese, Malaysian, or Indonesian people reading this blog? I just checked my crib sheet and found I hadn’t checked those boxes, yet. How does one go their entire lives without making a single Japanese friend?
See, I did offensive-funny again. Come on. It was a little funny.
What about you? Are there labels that accurately describe you, but that you find are used a little too often for your comfort? How do you deal with it? Do you (also) write passive aggressive blog posts hoping people will catch on?
68 Responses to A Token For Your Thoughts
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I hate being called a Bearded American. I think that it’s my right to choose when to bring up that I do, in fact, have a beard. And this doesn’t mean that I speak for all bearded people, nor should I have to have a cogent opinion on clippers, shampoos, or mustache styles.
I’m an American first, and Bearded second.
@Avitable, So, we’re on the same page, then. That’s good. And scary.
What if I introduced you as, “This is Faiqa, she’s hot. I know.”?
Because that’s pretty much how I am going to introduce you to everyone.
@Sarah, You’re so sweet. And, yeah, that’s fine.
I’ve been labeled and mis-labeled all my life, just not along heritage lines. I don’t like it any more than anybody else (particularly if it’s a wrong label), so I try to be careful to look at everybody as PEOPLE first rather than to start labeling them. Though that’s not to say all labels are bad… I just prefer not to stick people in little boxes, because you’ll never appreciate all that they are (and can be) if you do.
@Dave2, I think labels are useful to a point. As long as we don’t rely on them completely… I think we agree on this, right?
I grew up in Toronto and I was always the token white kid. Also, it’s been said that white people aren’t supposed to say, “I don’t see colour,” even though I have had friends every frikken colour of the rainbow and I really really truly do not think about their colour all that much. The reason behind that was so I remember the heritage behind every one of my friends. I’m totally digging learning about cultures and religions but it’s obviously not all you or I would want to discuss (truly, I could see you and I discussing parenting before those other topics.)
It feels like no matter what I do, it’s wrong.
I totally agree with your post – seeing these things as being rude – I’m just confused because of what I’ve been told about not seeing colour.
*head explodes*
I say everyone get out of their mental tupperware and leave it at that!
@Karen Sugarpants, I don’t think you should feel like everything you do is wrong… as far as white people being the only people who aren’t supposed to see color, I think *everyone* (not just white people) should be careful of that, to an extent. Let’s say, we substitute “cancer”, “special needs” or “depression” for color. We can’t just ignore those things about people, right? At the same time, we can’t let it define them, either, because we’re all so much more than that. So, it’s like we acknowledge that there’s this part of them, and acknowledge that for the most part, that little difference pales in comparison to what we have in common.
ANYWAY, from what I know and read of you, you are definitely not remotely “guilty” of anything close to that… I think you’re very good at seeing the whole picture.
Amen, Faiqa. I want to respond but need to think through what I want to type.
I’ll be back….
@Robin, Waiting with bated breath.
Not to take anything away from your heritage or downplay everything that you are but quite honestly, when I think of you, I think of my “pretty pretty princess” friend….not my “Pakistani-American” friend. I tend to define people by their character traits way more than by their race and/or culture.
I mean, I may be waiting for you to not be pregnant and bloated anymore so that I can beg you for some more of that food like we had at your shower but other than that, it’s totally not about your race. But yah, what about that food?
In all seriousness, I have no idea what it is like to be labeled because of my race or color, obviously. To a milder extent, I know what it is like to be “the chubby friend” and that is bad enough. And you know what? You are so right about it being YOUR prerogative as to when these things get brought up. Uh, like you needed ME to tell you that!
@Hilly, I very firmly believe that you’re someone who sees the soul of a person before their color. You’re evolved like that.
PS – I do not mean “pretty pretty princess” in a negative way, like that you are a snob. Nay nay, I mean that you are a pretty pretty princess every time I see you.
@Hilly, You’re such a sweetheart, thank you for that.
People introduce me as their two friends from Guernsey.
@Kiefer and Emo, Annnd I’m off to google Guernsey.
When I talk about you to my friends back home, I say
“my friend Faiqa”
“my pregnant friend who needs to get unpregnant NOW”
“my friend Faiqa and her husband Tariq, who are so awesome that if I didn’t love Faiqa so much I would totally want to do inappropriate things to her husband.”
“my friend Faiqa who is so much like me – except prettier and with more money.”
Come to think of it, I’m not sure if Erin – who has heard ALL ABOUT you – has any idea what your religion or racial heritage is.
BUT…
I will readily admit to being intrigued by your heritage and your religion. I’ve only ever been really close to one another Muslim family (that will happen when you grow up in a small, predominantly protestant town in Iowa) – and I bombarded her with the same questions I bombard you with.
I also find it interesting that so many of your friends look like you – because you and Tariq happen to be the only friends I know who look like you. I’m like – Jeez, am I hanging out in the wrong bars, or what?
AND – I will admit to being TERRIFIED of hanging out with you and your friends and family. But not so much because of our religious or ethnic differences, but because I am not nearly as well read or educated or ANYTHING as you.
I’m fairly confident that you know this, but I want to affirm it anyway.
My friendship with you is based on the fact that we went to see Obama and Clinton together and we giggled and drooled and tried to look very important. But I’m also in awe that you were able to speak some form – broken as it might have been – of Indian to that reporter you tracked down.
Now – how about we go hunt us down a nice Japanese couple to befriend? I found little Asia in Orlando on my way to the doctor’s office the other day. I think we should start there.
@Miss Britt, “but because I am not nearly as well read or educated or ANYTHING as you.”
Oh, honey. I’m going to smack you upside the head in the hopes of knocking that thought right out of your head. Metaphorically speaking.
You’re one of the most mentally stimulating, intelligent and inspiring friends I have.
@Faiqa, you’re just saying that because I told you where to find the Japanese people.
@Miss Britt, That part of town was VIETNAMESE. Hahaha. No, but, really. It is.
That’s hot. i’m going to disseminate.
@nancy, You’re the one who taught me why I shouldn’t to take no crap about this stuff in the first place.
I am not usually tagged as anything (boring blonde white woman) except I am sometimes the token “teacher” in some social circles. And I have been the token Catholic before.
My children’s father has a Hispanic last name and I giggle at the Spanish-speaking telemarketers we sometimes attract. (“Ola Senora…..blah, blah, blah in Spanish….AT&T?)
Very well-written post. You made your points very clearly.
And I promise that if I ever get to know you better than via the blogosphere I will refer to you only as “that chick from Florida”. Okay?
J.
@HoosierGirl, Deal.
I can soooooo relate to the stereotype, Faiqa. For so many years, I have been referred to as the “big blond”. Sure, it hurts. I try and laugh it off. Rarely, does it work. Point is, I am who I am… you are who you are… and, I don’t think that precursor tags EVER need to be applied.
Love you…
@Dede, I’m sure that gets annoying. Although *some* people think being tall and blond is kind of hot.
Noted. And understood.
In answer to your question (and I cringe at writing this because it sounds petty in comparison to what you’re talking about), I get a little tired of being thought of as the pretty one. There is far more to me than what I look like and soon enough I won’t look like this anymore but everything else that I am will still be there. And I wonder if anyone will see me anymore.
@Finn, It’s not petty, at all. I can understand where you’re coming from. Does it make a difference that I have no idea what you look like except for some fuzzy and obscure facebook profile photos and I still think you’re amazing?
While I respect, understand and agree with every single point you’ve made Faiqa, I read the entire post just thinking of how much I envy your gorgeous complexion and skin tone. It gets seriously old being freckled and prone to blotchy redness…just sayin’.
@DeannaBanana, You’re sweet, thanks. You know, when I was growing up, I was intensely jealous of people who had freckles. I wanted them soooo bad, they were so CUTE. True story.
When you said you were like apple pie….my first thought was “I don’t like apple pie but I bet it would taste better with less cinnamon and tons of brown sugar.”
Anyway.
I “get” what you mean – even if I haven’t experienced it to the degree that you have. I will no longer refer to you as “the really hot chick who is so freakin’ smart that she is almost intimidating even though she is so awesome that she would never purposely talk down to you….unless she was guest hosting on CYR, then she’d totally rip Adam to shreds with her words.”
Wait – yeah – that is a long intro. I’ll just call you the hot smart lady. xoxo
@Sheila (Charm School Reject), Hahaha — I *am the brown sugar in apple pie. I should have written that instead, brilliant!!
Maybe it’s because we have never met face to face, but I honestly think of you as Muslim first (mainly because almost all the blogs I read are American or Canadian, and as much as some people will shake their heads, it’s pretty much the same thing, except with less guns and free health care). That’s probably because I have very few people in my life who are a) Muslim and b) willing to discuss matters of faith openly. So, if that offends, then sorry, but I hope you get my intent.
@SciFi Dad, Not offensive, at all.
I just think of you as the gorgeous intelligent geek who also loves studying the American Civil War.
I get what you are saying because lazy brained folks like to pigeon hole folks.
@Turnbaby, Aww thanks. I appreciate that. And, btw, missing your party was one of the LOW points of my year.
I absolutely, positively HATE hyphens. Seriously. Why do we need to distinguish everyone who isn’t white? I don’t walk around shouting, “HEATHER! GERMAN-AMERICAN!” My German ancestors came off the boat over 100 years ago. My friend Toni? Doesn’t make it clear that she’s Italian-American. So, why do we need to label anyone who isn’t white? I don’t get it? I’m with you. We’re all Americans. When I’m asked my nationality, why circle white or black or Asian or whatever. It’s like Americans aren’t allowed to be American. We have to be something else.
And? You can totally announce me to people as “Heather. My Geek-American friend.”
@Coal Miner’s Granddaughter, My favorite is when people will say, “Where are you from?”
And then I’ll say, “Florida”
And then they say, “No, where are you from?”
And then I go, “Floooorida“.
And then they just sort of stare at me for a minute.
Sigh.
This post reminds me of an old Church of Latter Day Saints commercial that used to run on Saturday mornings during the cartoons. You are much to young to remember it.
The ad had a young boy and an elderly man fishing on a pond someplace. The kid asks what “prejudiced” means. His grandfather tells him and asks why. The kid says “Jimmy says I’m prejudiced.” After being asked who Jimmy is, the kid replies “Jimmy is my Jewish friend”. The grandfather shakes his head and says “Then you are prejudiced. Because you consider Jimmy to be your Jewish friend and not just your friend.”
(This was a message from the Church of Latter Day Saints)
Not a month goes by where that ad doesn’t come up when I’m talking with my friend Peter. Peter, of course, is my Jewish friend.
PS – I have a great many friends from many different backgrounds, but I too don’t have any Japanese friends. Weird. I have Thai, Korean, Vietnamese and Chinese friends, but no Japanese. Gotta work on that.
@B.E. Earl, there was supposed to be an end italics HTML in there somewhere at the bottom. Oops.
@B.E. Earl, Heeeeey, I remember those LDS commercials. I remember one about lying. Prejudice? I don’t recall.
I’m Puerto Rican but my co-workers constantly tell me that I’m not loud enough or wear my clothes tight enough to actually be from Puerto Rico. Why does being quite, in their eyes, make me white. It can get frustrating. What’s worse is when I get that from a fellow Hispanic. My father doesn’t even think I’m Puerto Rican enough…whatever that means.
@Carmen, Oh, wow… your co-workers behavior is just so wrong on so many levels. That would be like someone asking me why I don’t cover my head if I’m from Pakistan… oh, wait, been there. :/
I thought you were my Indian American friend. You had a bindi at Halloween! Oh! That was your COSTUME.
Well. I just don’t know how you expect me to keep up!
(That was my lame attempt at being funny!)
In all seriousness, now – You’re just the hot chick I adore. Period. I don’t really get any labels whatsoever, that i know of, because I am fairly boring. Maybe “Whore American”, but I am not even a whore! (Much.)
@Sybil Law, Snort. Whore American. You so wrong.
I think of you as a Muslim first also. Unfortunately, I just simply do not know any other Muslims, middle-Easterners, Indians, or other brown (Latino notwithstanding) people. I have met many, but have no relationships with them. It is not for fear or lack of tolerance. You’re just the only one thus far cool enough to know me. You are singular, but that does not make you a “token.”….hopefully.
“I’m not a fan of the phrase Pakistani-American. Because, in my mind, I am an American first.” That is an awesome statement, and you have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for someone other than me to say it. I dare not bring the subject up around most blacks, for fear of, well, upsetting them? I firmly believe that if we are to accent our American citizenship with our heritage, that America should somehow come first. It doesn’t work so well with the way adjectives play out in the English language, but it is still frustrating. I think there should also be a generational time-limit on this tag. Say 2-3 generations. If your great-great grandparents came from another country, cool, but unfortunately you are more deeply rooted in America than them. Nobody ever calls me an Anglo-Prussian American, and I’m totally slighted. I mean, I’m white, isn’t it obvious?!
@RebTurtle, Singularity does not equal tokenism. I think the issue with (ahem) African Americans is a little more nuanced than in my case. These are a people whose heritage and identity was diminished and hidden for 3/4 of this nation’s history, so their use of this term is more of an act of re-appropriating an identity. In the end, though, labels are a double edged sword, I guess. They can be useful in certain contexts, but debilitating in others.
Just wondering..should I call Kelly my fair skinned,freckled,redhaired Celtic-American friend?And perhaps Luigi from the pizza place should be called my olive skinned,darkhaired,basil loving Mediterrean-American friend?And there is also mad Robbie..perhaps I should in future refer to him as my och-aye,frizzy bearded,tartan wearing Scottish-American.It just proves how utterly ridiculous these labels can be.
@kezz, You bring up a great point here that I didn’t mention in the post. Why *don’t* we call Kelly a Celtic American? Do Celtic people get a free pass while the rest of us have to be identified? Why are the people who are exempt, well, exempted? We should just focus on the paperwork. Got a U.S. passport? Great. You’re American-American.
i know what you mean… people always introduce me as their “Hot man-stud”.. it gets old fast…i have a brain, you know!
seriously, if you have friends that are saying “This is Faiqa, my Pakistani American friend”, then they arent REAL friends.
i dont label my friends, for any reason.
@Slyde, Yeah- those people *aren’t* my friends. Usually it’s some jerk that I barely know.
I admit it – I like offensive-funny! I also like jokes about God, which sends my not-just-a-footnote slightly fobbish husband over the edge. There’s just no joking about God with him.
As for me, I’m not sure what I think about this post. I often say to first generation children of immigrants that I’m raising one of YOU! What you wrote makes me worry about raising my son. I WANT him to think of himself as Pakistani-American. It never occurred to me there might be something wrong with that term. I mean, I never even questioned his American-ness. He’s got an American mother, he’ll be raised in America – he is GOING to be American! It’s imparting the other half of his heritage that concerns me. So we as a family have a Pakistani bent, as if we can offer 75% Pakistani and 25% American in 100% America and maybe end up close to the middle? Maybe? Anyway, I’m not sure what I would think if my son grew up and felt the same as you wrote.
Although I do understand that my son will be a completely different version of child-of-immigrant in that he will never be singularly identified by his Pakistani-ness – exactly what you’re talking about in this post. Even if he is, he has the option of correcting their “mistake.”
(Oh, and he WILL hail a rickshaw in his life. Even I’VE done that!)
Oh crap! I just read through the links you posted. I’m an “open in another tab and read later” kind of girl. I didn’t know about the hyphen debate! And I used a hyphen up there ^
I’ll do better next time.
@TheGoriWife, It’s fine if you used a hyphen. I’m verrry difficult to offend. Really.
I understand where you’re coming from, and I respect the position that you and your husband are taking on this matter regarding your own child.
You should know, though, that I am very immersed in my Pakistani heritage. I am very traditional in my home, wear shalwaar kamees most of the time, and most people from Pakistan are shocked to learn that I was born/raised in America.
I speak Urdu fluently and with virtually no accent, although I do make the rare grammar mistake every now and then. I can read Urdu, as well, and write it. I am very well bred in Pakistani manners and etiquette to the point that many of my Pakistani cousins roll their eyes at how old fashioned I am when I’m in Pakistan. I plan on imparting these aspects of my heritage to my American children, as well.
Now, that we have my Pakistani heritage credentials out of the way, I feel like you haven’t evaluated the perspective I’ve taken in either its entirety or fairly. I also feel like you think that I’m not proud of my heritage because I insist on taking this stand.
So, please, let me clarify.
Eating daal, speaking Urdu and wearing a shalwaar kamees does not make a person a Pakistani. Loving Pakistan does not make you Pakistani.
A Pakistani passport is what makes you Pakistani.
This is a reality. I’m not trying to be mean here, but this is the absolute reality.
Your children? Will likely have accents (even if they might be verrry slight) when they speak Urdu. When they are with their Pakistani cousins in Pakistan, it will most likely be obvious that *they* are the ones born in America. I’m not a fortune teller, but I’ve been around long enough and have enough English, American, and Swedish born cousins who stick out at family gatherings to come to accept this as inevitable. We dress slightly different, eat slightly different, even laugh slightly differently. And it would be wrong to want us to stop. Because that’s who we are. We’re American kids informed by Pakistani heritage.
(BTW, I know you have just the one kid, I’m speaking in future terms here, InshAllah)
What I mean is, that first generation kids are Americans with an intimate knowledge of Pakistan. Not to be confused with actually being Pakistani.
There is a difference. People should respect us and acknowledge this difference. People should understand that if they viewed us in this context, they would gain a better perspective of who we are.
They would also have much more respect for how much we *do* love Pakistan when they realize that we love it because of our parents and family. Our ties are completely emotional. But hoisting the expectation of maintaining a certain level of Pakistani-ness completely diminishes the nobility (yes, nobility) of our emotion and actions. To act like it’s not a choice on our part is to diminish our choice in the first place.
It is a beautiful thing the way you study your husband’s culture and choose to impart that on your child, I respect that A LOT. And I think it’s very important. My daughter is being taught Urdu, is fed desi food and I go out of my way to teach her about Pakistani (and Indian) geography, etc.
These are matters of HERITAGE, though, not nationality.
Because you’re gori (hey, you said it first!!
) I don’t think you understand how cumbersome it is when a non-Pakistani makes you their poster child for all things Pakistani. You start to be “that Pakistani girl” or “that Muslim girl” and who you really are becomes secondary to that.
Remember last week when that troll on your blog said all you ever wrote about was how you’re a Gori wife, and blah, blah, blah? That was out of line. And you responded by being visibly irate. Well, that’s how I feel when all someone sees about me is “Pakistani-American”. It doesn’t bother me so much on the Internet, but I can’t stand it in real life.
Because when you are seen in one context, people start to stereotype you. If first generation Americans aren’t careful, that “Pakistani” in front of the American in their name starts to become bolder than the American. To me, that is an undesirable situation.
Nationality is a social CONSTRUCT. It is not genetic. It is not the same thing as heritage. It is not even necessarily the same thing as culture.
I ask you this, what is the legitimate, rational and logical reason for NON-Pakistanis in attaching a hyphen to MY status of American? Why would anyone who does NOT speak Urdu, is NOT Muslim or NOT in need of a desi food caterer need to know whether or not I am Pakistani-American?
I understand, for example, if you wanted to know whether I was Pakistani or not. But, some person I just met at a work party of my husband’s? What’s the point of them asking me where I’m “really” from?
I’m “really” from America.
In a post-September 11th world, identifiers (hyphens) have become more than identifiers. They have become separators. And I will not be part of a system that fuels division, intolerance and separation. I am proud of being Muslim, of being of Pakistani heritage but I have no inkling what the relationship between that and my being a citizen of the United States have to do with one another in a broader context.
That is the meaning of my post.
I also think that it is “iffy” to assume that one’s child will just “pick up” American culture. The risk lies in buying into the false paradigm that American culture is baseball, hot dogs and being disrespectful to your parents. I also would be wary (but, you are a fantastic mom from what I’ve read, so don’t you DARE think I’m remotely close to saying anything negative about your parenting!) about going less than 50/50 in teaching the respective cultures.
You may not mean it this way, but your kids might think it means that being Pakistani is more important that being American. Which, OK, if that is your intent, that’s fine.
Being American is civic responsibility, tolerance, and the maintenance of the civic and human rights of our citizens (GOD, how I wish it could be the rights of other citizens of the world, as well).
America, unlike Pakistan, is precariously contingent upon the careful transfer of this ideology to the next generation. Pakistani culture can be transferred in physical and visual ways more easily than American culture.
The right kind of American culture, just like any other, is not picked up. Being a “good American citizen” is the the result of careful teaching and prioritization. For this reason, I think American culture deserves just as much attention as any other.
I’m sorry this was so long, but let me just end by reiterating that I’m not at all offended and I think your approach to this topic is completely understandable AND respectable. I hope, now, I haven’t offended you?
@Faiqa, Hmm. Too much to even respond to! I’ve drafted a response a million times and I can’t get it all to mesh. I’m 100% behind you with this post, I don’t think anyone should tokenize you. It’s been done to me before too and it doesn’t sting less just because I’ve chosen this life. The only thing I was referencing when I wrote that I’m not sure how I’d feel if my son felt the same way is the sentence “I am an American first. I have a deep love for Pakistan because of my heritage, but it’s a footnote in my identity.”
I simply cannot seem to organize my thoughts on everything in your reply coherently, but on that point:
Heritage and nationality are different things and the distinction is important for all the reasons you mentioned, but the way they manifest in someone’s psyche is dynamic. I mean, certainly in literal terms of citizenship, nationality I understand that he will be American. But the only reason my husband and son can’t be dual citizens of both countries is a political one. Were dual citizenship allowed, it wouldn’t change who they were, right? When my husband gets American citizenship and burns his green passport, he won’t cease to be “Pakistani.” Not really. As you wrote, it’s a social construct. Nationality and heritage are intertwined in many ways, and it’s a weird line to straddle, and my son will be somewhere over that line too. I worry that the idea that he wasn’t born or raised in Pakistan will mean that he is barred or hindered from entering Pakistani communities he wishes to as an adult because he’s not truly desi enough. (Like commenting on Sepia Mutiny!) Pakistani as label does refer to him. People WILL ask him, just as they ask you, what is he REALLY? If his answer is that his heritage is a footnote, that doesn’t sit well with my hope of how he can be equal parts of both. “Pakistani credentials,” accented Urdu, or not.
@TheGoriWife, OK, I understand that completely. I do sincerely hope that your son is able to achieve that “equal parts status”, and I can see why that would be desirable to you and your husband. So… did someone actually tell you that you weren’t “desi” enough to comment on Sepia Mutiny?!!
@TheGoriWife, Oh, and I think the reasons that bar dual citizenship between Pakistan and the US are beyond political… they are also ideological. America is a secular nation, whereas Pakistan, from inception, is a religious state (albeit they proclaim tolerance of other religions). This difference alone poses definitive choices that one has to make about what they believe a state should be and who they are in that context.
@Faiqa, Sepia Mutiny can be a hostile, mean place! A recent comment: “What is this interracial, inter-cultural fetish trip everyone is on? There is a reason for arranged marriages and there is also a reason why they are so successful. Go on, have your fun… but if you want to avoid divorce, better to marry someone who’s parents are not divorced.” and “[A Commenter] has every right to encourage marriage within without getting insults thrown at him/her by privileged White women who thinks she knows India because she spent a few months there and has a degree in Asian studies or something.” (In their defense, they have a terrible troll who goes by various names including P-A-R-D-E-S-I Gori, so that’s probably where some of the vitrol stems from.) (<– Trying to fool the Google Bots so you don’t suddenly get unwelcome visitors.)
And I disagree that dual citizenship is anything more than political. I think that when evaluating the difference between a so-called-secular state (America) and a so-called-religious state (Pakistan) it is telling that neither is always successful at being Muslim/secular. And there are plenty of dissenters in each; plenty of “non-practicing” Muslims who are surely Pakistanis and plenty of devout Americans who believe there should be prayer in schools but are American citizens and may even consider themselves the most patriotic of such. Its only the middle that agrees on the ideological base and no one’s clamoring to take away the citizenship of the fringes. Instead it’s reserved as a topic of debate. I can see areas of overlap where one could hold certain views and still fall within the rubric of both nation’s ideologue. But also, I don’t think there needs to be an overlap, being an American citizen doesn’t mean you have to agree with any particular ideology and can, in fact, think the opposite. (Although I don’t – to be clear.) While the oath of citizenship includes certain promises about allegiance and support of America, it doesn’t say you have to believe in a separation of church & state or really anything else about ideology.
Okay, enough hijacking of your past comment sections.
@TheGoriWife, Very, very good points.
I stopped reading Sepia Mutiny regularly a while ago… in part for some of the reasons you mentioned and also? I felt like they had a strong bias against Pakistanis/Muslims. Not just the comments, but the some of the writers, as well. I don’t know, that could have just been me being over-sensitive.
And, my dear, you’re welcome to hijack these comments any time you like. You’re intelligent and articulate and I appreciate your point of view very much.
The funny thing is that I get that here in Saudi Arabia… upon asking when I introduce myself as Canadian, from complete strangers I get “No, where are you really from?” Upon which I state, I’m Canadian and my parents are originally from India… this scenario plays out even here 10,000 km away from home… sigh. I mean do all Canadians only have to be a certain color or what? Does this pose a challenge when you are raising your Canadian son in Riyadh whose father is Indian… yes oh yes.
However, one step at a time, let him stop pushing those pots (from upstairs) first
@Shabina, And the people who have the hardest time with this concept, in my opinion, are people who are not American (or Canadian). On another note, I’m blaming the flower pot pushing on his *Indian* genes.
i had to read months of your posts before i figured it out. maybe i’m just that dense.
@zeghsy, Actually, that makes me very happy. I’m going to go with the theory that you’re *not* dense, you know, so I can support my own feelings of superiority on this matter.
I love this post and am so glad you wrote it. This is the kind of stuff we need to be talking about — one person is never going to understand another person unless there is this kind of dialogue going on.
I certainly haven’t had to deal with what you’ve had to deal with in my lifetime, but I do get labeled. I am very (and I mean GLOWING) white, petite and wear glasses. Men tend to think I’m shy and timid — basically the cute little girl who hides in the corner. They become confused and often put off (intimidated?) when they realize I’m smart, loud and sarcastic. Women usually write me off as bitchy (or weird or gay … take your pick). Sometimes all this crap bothers me, but I’ve been dealing with it my entire life so generally I know what to expect and how to deal with it. Knowing what I’m dealing with — for me, at least — makes those kind of encounters that much easier to deal with.
@Kate, Thanks, I was apprehensive about writing this post, I thought a lot more people would have a problem with it… but, I was pleasantly surprised. Or… you know people just clicked away in disgust. Which is cool.
I am the token gay person at work, even with 11 others here I am still the most outspoken.
It is always insulting to hear one of my friends introduce me to a stranger as “Oh that’s my friend Becca, she’s gay”. It’s not that I’m in the closet, b/c I am soooo not, but occasionally it would be nice to tell people on my own time.
So, I know this was a departure from the ethnicity thing, but I think I know how you feel sometimes.
@Becca, That’s *exactly* what I’m talking about, actually!
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