10 Things I Wish I Could Say
Obviously not to the same person.
(Idea plagiarized from Avitable).
1. Be happy. That’s an order. Please.
2. I just can’t be your friend anymore… perhaps, in a few years, when you’re more of a grown up?
3. It’s not my fault that you were mistreated by someone else. Don’t make me suffer because you’ve been hurt by someone who didn’t care for you the way they should have.
4. If you have a problem with everyone, that usually means that you are the problem.
5. When I think of you, I immediately remember that God is good. I love you.
6. Even if you’re not sorry, even if you don’t think you’re wrong, I forgive you.
7. I feel incredibly lucky that we’re friends. Thank you. Thank you for being my friend.
8. I’m sorry, I wish I had been who you thought I could be.
9. Your stamina for harboring grudges is almost admirable.
10. You’re amazing and completely fascinating. I want to be more like you, tell me, how do I do that?
…
Why do we censor ourselves?
The mean things on this list, I censor because I don’t want to hurt people’s feelings.
Just because I think someone is annoying doesn’t mean they don’t deserve a little courtesy. Everyone deserves a little courtesy, in my opinion.
More often, I don’t say those mean things because I know it’s not going to change anything.
I don’t hate anyone. (No, seriously. Not even Ann Coulter).
I just give up on people. I think I heard somewhere that hell isn’t God’s wrath, it’s his indifference. That’s me. Like God. (Fatwa, anyone?)
The other stuff on that list? I avoid saying them because of my fears. I’m afraid that if I tell people in my life that I really and truly admire them or that I love them, that they won’t believe me. Or worse, that they won’t care.
Or, even worse, that they’ll smile, turn around and snicker about what a total stalker I am and oh-my-God-can-you- believe-she-just-said-that?
I’m old enough to know that just because you think the world of someone else, it doesn’t mean they have to like you back.
They can even dislike you.
They can even hate you.
They can even rather want to hang out with a nasty drunk homeless guy than talk to you for another painfully excruciating second.
Still, I’m proud of the fact that I don’t let that fear cloud the way I live my life. I won’t let that fear diminish the belief, that someone I know (or will know) deserves for me to grab their hand, look them in the eye, and tell them that they are an inspiration.
Maybe because of their talent.
Their simple and loving heart.
Their wit and charm.
Their selflessness.
Their unconscious generosity.
Their desire to see the people they love treated well.
Their quiet strength.
Or just because when I sit next to them, I feel happier, or better, or more peaceful.
For Tami, Traci, Britt and everyone else who should be told more often how much they mean to me and how very much I think of them.
And especially for Tariq.
Of course. Always for Tariq.
49 Comments »
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Avitable Said,
May 6, 2009 @ 11:14 pm
I would comment on this post, but I have to go hang out with Chuckles the Hobo.
[Reply]
Sarah Said,
May 6, 2009 @ 11:50 pm
In regards to #2. I honestly thought you’d want to watch cartoons with me. But I guess I can always grow up, a little bit. For you.
[Reply]
Dave2 Said,
May 7, 2009 @ 2:01 am
You ARE lucky we’re friends! I’m a great friend to have!
And you’re welcome!
[Reply]
Robin Said,
May 7, 2009 @ 5:32 am
Fear is a bitch, isn’t it? Thank god I am feeling the fear and doing it anyway more often.
[Reply]
kapgar Said,
May 7, 2009 @ 6:51 am
Not even Ann Coulter?? Wow. You are a kind-hearted individual.
[Reply]
Hilly Said,
May 7, 2009 @ 6:51 am
I’m completely digging everything you wrote here, especially the stuff where we don’t always have to tell people exactly what we think of them when it is bad. I’ve come to realize, like you, that it’s not going to change a person when I say snarky things. Yet…sometimes, I still say them.
You are beautiful inside and out, Faiqa.
[Reply]
Tami Said,
May 7, 2009 @ 6:59 am
Faiqa… I love you! You are such a beautiful person and I am so thankful for our friendship. You are the inspiring one, my friend!
[Reply]
Sybil Law Said,
May 7, 2009 @ 7:13 am
Everyone does deserve a little courtesy – I really believe that, too. (Until they’ve used up all my patience, that is. Then, I don’t care what they do – they hopefully get what they deserve!)
You are an amazing, amazing person. (Really!)
You are the wind beneath my wings.
[Reply]
SciFi Dad Said,
May 7, 2009 @ 7:37 am
“just because you think the world of someone else, it doesn’t mean they have to like you back”
truer words were never spoken.
[Reply]
Miss Britt Said,
May 7, 2009 @ 8:12 am
Oh my.
When I was reading the nice stuff I was thinking “why wouldn’t you say that to someone? Man, those people might really need to hear that and be so honored that you would say that to them.”
And then I’m reading your explanation and shaking my head and wondering how it could be possible that you don’t know how amazing you are and how anyone would be thrilled to have your love and affection.
And then?
Well, yeah. If I hadn’t taken a Xanax about 45 minutes ago I’d probably be crying right now.
XO
[Reply]
Princess of the Universe Said,
May 7, 2009 @ 8:32 am
This is my favourite incarnation of this post. It makes me sad that everyone else’s was so mean.
I love that yours had so many positives on it, and I totally get why you’d be apprehensive about saying those too.
You’re le fab.
xo
[Reply]
Janelle Said,
May 7, 2009 @ 8:33 am
This was my favorite “Censored” list by a mile.
[Reply]
Princess of the Universe Said,
May 7, 2009 @ 8:33 am
Wait, just re-read my comment. I certainly don’t mean to say that I don’t love and adore everyone else who did this – I just love that yours had so much positive on it!
xoxo
[Reply]
Michael Melchor Said,
May 7, 2009 @ 9:35 am
Huh. Something that stuck with me is:
“Your stamina for harboring grudges is almost admirable.”
…because that could be directed at me, and it’d be entirely true. I’m terrible at harboring grudges sometimes. Comes from many, many years of being walked on and being expected to only serve the needs and wants of others.
Not so much now, really. At least not very often (unless we’re discussing work). But it’s there.
I’d also be one of the ones that wish I could tell someone some of the nicer things or be able to hear them without wondering what ulterior motive lies behind those things being said. Again, see third paragraph for reasoning.
MM
[Reply]
Kiefer and Emo Said,
May 7, 2009 @ 11:08 am
1. The red dress makes you look like a 20 dollar hooker.
2. I have an idea, why don’t you stick this pencil in your eye and twist?
3. Stop saying “oh” and “yes” and “oh” and “uh huh” and “oh my” and “um-hmm” and “I see” everytime I explain something. Just shut up and listen.
4. No. You should probably croak before you add that crap into the gene pool. I’m just sayin’.
5. I’m jealous about how calm you are.
6. If I told you everything about what I did you’d hate me. OK so you’d just hate me more, alright?
7. You were the guy I’ve tried to pattern myself after when I was a kid.
8. Remember what you did to me when we were 11? I’ve always wanted to see you stuck on the end of a pike and exposed to the sun, naked, until you dehydrate like a stuck raisin ever since then.
9. If you don’t stop talking about yourself I’m just going to have to drown your dog.
10. Tits of GTFO.
Hmm… I think this is 30 things by now for me at different locations. Maybe I should blog this myself?
[Reply]
Finn Said,
May 7, 2009 @ 11:19 am
Why DO we censor ourselves? OK, I’m just going to say this:
I’m beyond thrilled that you ended up in my life, even if it’s (currently) just my online life. You’re one of the handful of people that I feel are much smarter than I am; I want to learn from you.
[Reply]
tariq Said,
May 7, 2009 @ 11:21 am
I love you Faiqa. You’re an extraordinary individual, a wonderful wife, and a fantastic mother! I definitely got the better end of the deal in our relationship. Oh by the way…I know # 10 was directed towards me… so thanks for recognizing!
[Reply]
Nanna Said,
May 7, 2009 @ 12:02 pm
sigh. what you wrote always makes me heave a happy sigh. what a gift you have, little one
[Reply]
slyde Said,
May 7, 2009 @ 1:24 pm
oh, how i wish i could say # 2 to Earl. I could have dumped him years ago if i just had the strength..
[Reply]
Courtney Haynes Said,
May 7, 2009 @ 1:27 pm
Faiqa, once again I have to say that you are one of the most talented and inspiring people I have ever met. You consistently require me to think more about so many things and I just love that. There are few people who illicit that response from me (usually because I’m the one needing them to think more…or at all…. but whatever…)
I have to say that I have become one of the people who say really nice things to people that are random. Usually it’s me telling someone something specific that they did that made me really happy or made me feel some other positive emotion. Usually it’s embarrassing for people to hear compliments. People seem to find it so much easier to believe bad or negative things about themselves so when you say something nice or kind or you praise someone just for being great at being themselves, usually they look away with a little grin and a sigh and mumble a thanks but…. I always then say just shut up and walk away. he he.
You are a magnificent soul and I’m thrilled to pieces that I get to know you, again, as adults and I do truly hope that one day we meet for lunch or something so we can laugh together again.
[Reply]
Karen Sugarpants Said,
May 7, 2009 @ 1:31 pm
I used to be fearful about telling people things I loved about them but in recent years I figured if someone didn’t want to hear wonderful things about themselves, that would be nuttier than me putting myself out there! (shoot, does that make sense?)
By the way, # 10 is exactly how I feel about you.
[Reply]
Kimberly Said,
May 7, 2009 @ 5:19 pm
This is great for so many reasons. (I might steal it from you.)
I am guilty of #9, but I’m Irish so I can’t help it.
I think sometimes it’s good to censor the things you say…I don’t have much of a filter and that gets me into trouble sometimes.
[Reply]
Dede Said,
May 7, 2009 @ 5:41 pm
Yet another very thought provoking entry, Faiqa. How very wise of you to realize that with every negative, there is a positive. Too many, including myself at times, fail to remember this. Kinda-sorta like, “don’t tell me you have a problem if you don’t have a solution?” Without a solution, there is no problem, right?
Thanks for giving me “permssion” to ponder, yet another part of life! : )
[Reply]
Faiqa Said,
May 7, 2009 @ 7:03 pm
@Avitable: Hilarious. From what I understand, you and Chuckles are old friends.
@Sarah: By more grown up, I meant less of a self absorbed & oblivious jerk. So, you? Have nothing to worry about, AND I love cartoons.
@Dave2: I am, I feel lucky. Especially since you posted those photos of yourself in a cowboy hat. RAWR!
@Robin: Yep, thank goodness for that. And, hey, you know, fear does keep us from walking out into rush hour traffic.
@kapgar: Will it diminish your perception if I tell you that I think she’s a raving psycho-bitch that represents everything that’s wrong with our politicized media?
@Hilly: Thanks, lady. You’re definitely in that “everyone else” category. Plus, while we’re being honest, can I say that Iove that you use the phrase “dig” and can still sound cool?
@Tami: Me, too!! Me, too! <3
@Sybil Law: I was going to write something semi-serious until that Beaches quote. Giggle. DORK.
@SciFi Dad: I assume since I don’t always like people who like me that it’s a high probability that there are people I like that don’t care much for me.
@Miss Britt: I’m glad you didn’t cry. And, I miss you.
@Princess of the Universe: Thanks, but you know when I went through and riugh drafted that list, only one thing was positive. I had to stop and really think about the good stuff I don’t say. Being positive is really an act of intention… I think most people sort of drift towards being negative as an instinctual response. OK, at least, me.
@Janelle: YOU HEAR THAT INTERNET? I WAS HER FAVORITE!!
@Michael Melchor: You bring up a great point that I hadn’t considered. Why don’t we believe people when they tell us good things about ourselves? We should. Who cares if they mean it or not? It’s probably true nevertheless.
@Kiefer and Emo: You guys are cute. 30? I think you have enough to create a serial set that would require a manual which listed the items alphabetically? Yet. You are pretty straightforward.
@Finn: I think you’re pretty smart and wonderful, too. I can’t wait to meet you in person. I have a feeling it’s going to be dazzling.
@tariq: It was directed at you, honey, it really was. You are fascinating and amazing and I do wish SOMETIMES that I was more like you.
@Nanna: Thank you. And thank you for being the first person in 28 weeks to call me “little.”
@slyde: You can’t quit him, can you? He’s addictive. And I jsut know him from the Internet.
@Courtney Haynes: I’m anxious for that to happen, we NEED to do that!
@Karen Sugarpants: It made complete sense, and you make me wish I were Canadian, so there’s my confession.
@Kimberly: I think my mother is Irish, then.
@Dede: You’re welcome and thanks for taking the time to leave your thoughts, as always. You are a wonderful person, and I’m so glad that we are in each other’s lives…even if we should see each other more than we do.
[Reply]
Traci Said,
May 7, 2009 @ 10:11 pm
You know how to make a pregnant girl cry. You are a great friend, sister, and mentor. I’m so thankful to have YOU in my life. I just wish you were a little closer. Thanks for being a ray of sunshine in an otherwise exhausting week and thanks for being my inspiration. I can’t wait to see you again!
[Reply]
Jason Said,
May 7, 2009 @ 11:03 pm
I think I censor myself because I’m too afraid of conflict. But I’m trying to be better about that, especially when I know something really needs to be said.
[Reply]
Sybil Law Said,
May 10, 2009 @ 9:00 am
Happy Mother’s Day, Gorgeous!
[Reply]
Kate Said,
May 11, 2009 @ 12:13 pm
I wrote one of these a few weeks back, kept it posted for a day or two and then took it down. Why? Fear that someone — a very certain someone in particular — would see it and be pissed/hurt because I wrote how I really feel. I wish I could let go of that fear.
[Reply]
Coal Miner's Granddaughter Said,
May 11, 2009 @ 3:13 pm
I’m going to use #4 on the VP of my HOA. I am the embodiment of #9.
And I think you’re an amazing writer and I want to be just like you when I grow up.
[Reply]
Elizabeth Kaylene Said,
May 11, 2009 @ 5:50 pm
I think YOUR blog should be called Perpetual Smile, lmao!
But seriously. Yay for warm, fuzzy feelings!
[Reply]
Faiqa Said,
May 11, 2009 @ 10:19 pm
@Traci: You are truly a blessing in our lives… ALL of us. Even the ones who didn’t want to admit it at first because they were acting like jerks. Mmmmhmmm. Boy do THEY feel stupid now that they know how awesome you are.
@Jason: So, basically, you’re the non-Indian, gay version of my husband. Honestly? I think doing that is completely appropriate most of the time. I find that less than 30% (arbitrary estimation not base don extensive data gathering) of relationship conflicts ever end well. To me, the person (or issue) has to really be worth it if I’m going to fight with them. So you know, I guess I try to avoid conflict, too, but for different reasons.
@Sybil Law: Thanks, hot stuff.
@Kate: I know what you mean. Sometimes that fear keeps us out of trouble. I think the key is to make fear our adviser, not our activities director. Hmmm, I’m going to put that on a coffee mug.
@Coal Miner’s Granddaughter: Awww. I think you’re brilliant and really smart. And pretty, too.
@Elizabeth Kaylene: Thanks… a perpetual smile would be kind creepy. Remember that episode of Angel called Smile Time? (Geek alert!!)
[Reply]
Elizabeth Kaylene Reply:
May 13th, 2009 at 10:18 pm
@Faiqa, Eew, I never thought of it that way! Now I need to change my domain. (;
[Reply]
whall Said,
May 12, 2009 @ 1:59 am
That’s a great list and a great Epilogue. I felt like making some smart acre remarks at the beginning but now it just feels too childish.
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
May 12th, 2009 at 7:35 am
@whall, Why thank you!
[Reply]
pure anger Said,
September 26, 2009 @ 9:23 pm
1. The day I get square and even with you, I’ll know what true joy is.
2. Perhaps you’re the one who hasn’t grown up yet.
3. You took their side, asshole.
4. No, actually that means that everyone’s the problem, and they need to be re-educated on the topic at hand.
5. When I think of you, I immediately remember that I have a score to settle.
6. I dub thee UN-forgiven.
7. We’re not friends. Friends don’t turn on each other like you did.
8. Ya know, you’re exactly what I always thought you were.
9. Your stamina for thinking this little list of 10 things is gonna get you off the hook and somehow change things is quite laughable.
10. Here’s how you can be more like me: go kill yourself
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
September 27th, 2009 at 11:15 am
@pure anger, Wow. You know what’s interesting? How lame it is that you couldn’t even type your name in here and stand beside your statements like a grown up. All that pure anger? Hope that works out for you.
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
September 27th, 2009 at 11:25 am
@pure anger, Oh, and? It took me one click to figure out where your commenting from. Try not to be such an idiot in the future, though I know that will be incredibly hard for you. At least now that I know how you feel, it’ll make life a lot easier for everyone.
[Reply]
pure anger Said,
September 27, 2009 @ 12:58 pm
Oh, and? Faiqa, faq u a
[Reply]
tariq Reply:
September 27th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
@pure anger, Alright, so you just called my wife an ‘asshole’ and made derogatory comments about her name. Now there could be two possibilities why you advertised your stupidity all over this blog; a) you are a lonely fool who just goes around being an asshole him/herself, or b) you really are a friend who feels betrayed. Well, if it’s the latter then why don’t you act like a responsible/mature human being (having read your comments, i realize this may be tough for you…but give it a shot) and talk to the person who has hurt you. However, if you are just a random douchebag who likes to act tough over the internet behind a made-up username, you better hope and pray that I don’t find out where you live because I will kick your ass. You could always act like a grown-up and give me your phone number, email, address, so we can discuss this face to face. What do you think?
[Reply]
pure anger Said,
September 27, 2009 @ 1:29 pm
And another thing:
1. If you don’t like what people have to say on an open-reply blog, then go right ahead and moderate them out. I’m pretty sure you have the power.
2. I was born right here in the states, and I’m pissed cuz I swear backstabbing is part of the American way of life. I’ve had friends who just inevitably turn against me after I’ve been there for them and helped in any way I could and been a true friend time and time again for years. I am JUSTIFIED to feel the way I do, and I’m free to do so.
3. You wanted to post 10 things you wish you could say. Fine. I posted 10 things I wished I could say. Except I don’t march up to them and say it because its just gonna lead to a fight. Here’s why we censor ourselves: because we know it leads to trouble. Its best to just walk away. My guess is that whomever you’re censoring yourself from, you probably pissed ‘em off really good.
If they’re not happy, ask yourself this: how did I contribute to this? Maybe you’re doing the same thing thats been happening to them over and over again their entire lives? Maybe there IS something wrong with everyone else. And maybe all the praying they’ve ever done hasn’t fixed it yet.
[Reply]
Bre Reply:
February 24th, 2010 at 9:28 pm
@pure anger,
You make me sick. Please, do us all a favor and get some counseling.
[Reply]
kholmz Said,
September 27, 2009 @ 2:53 pm
@Pure Anger
You’re a complete idiot. I hope to god we’re not blood related. In fact I think it’s rather ironic that you demand she grows up in your second point when you can’t even form coherent sentences. What really upsets me besides you’re immaturity, insensitivity, and unresolved personal issues is your last point “Here’s how you can be more like me: go kill yourself”. I’m sorry you’re such a shitty person, really I am. Yet, even as I say that I hesitate to give my sympathy to someone so cruel and rude. You clearly have never met Faiqa, because if you did you would realize that not only is she an amazing writer, sister, and mother, but she is also an incredible human being. Sure I may not agree with her from time to time, but I love her more the world. I refuse to let someone I respect and love endure something so hurtful. So if it’s something you can get out of this comment it’s this: I hope you’re comfortable sitting there like a coward behind whatever laptop or desktop your writing from because if I ever, EVER, ever run into you in person in Texas I will hurt you. And if I’m too little- I will definitely hire some bigger and scarier- you sack of shit.
[Reply]
Graham Said,
October 28, 2009 @ 4:28 am
Faiqa.
I have no idea who you are or why you did this.
But reading this just made my day.
I wish I heard these innocent and heartfelt truths from people, no less anyone, a lot more often.
I think about things like this all the time, and it is so so so good to read that I’m not alone.
It’s people like you that truly inspire.
It’s people like you that understand what happiness is and can be.
Thank you for speaking out and please continue.
Your kindness and understanding reaches more than you will ever know.
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
October 28th, 2009 at 8:08 am
@Graham, Thank you so much for taking the time to write this response. You made *my* day.
[Reply]
no one Said,
February 24, 2010 @ 5:11 pm
I have said many of these things to the people i admire most, but what i have learned is that they don’t matter. it doesn’t matter what words you use, they do not last.
this world is made of ppl that want the world to be filled with misery, prejudices and preconceived notions of how others should behave. The sweetest tongue in the world has a mode of behavior that they expect you to follow.
ppl rally against gay marriage, though it doesn’t affect them in any way. ppl hate middle easterns they have never met. ppl hate democrats and republicans, and you should be dressed in proper attire at all times and you should spend forty hours a week at a job you hate, and you have to have this new fancy car or device or your not hip, or your a bum if you don’t sell your life away for a handful of dimes, or did you see what what she was wearing omgf, you have to believe in my god or you will burn in hell forever
In other words i have learned that you all suck, each and every one of you. when i was young my heart was filled with love and acceptance. it took decades of chipping away to get to where i’m at now, but i finally see the truth of it all. love, acceptance, these are all really just illusions, something you create in your head to make you feel like the good guys or gals in your own imaginary worlds. really it’s all just a tool to hate ppl by and still make yourself out as the hero in your imaginary movie.
but i am done with it.
listen here, because these are the last meaningful words i will ever say:
i quit.
no, i’m not killing myself or doing any thing drastic, but i quit. i will never speak to another person unless absolutely unavoidable. i will never again look directly at another person. i will drift. i will wait to die. and then, hopefully if there is no afterlife i will be done with you all. oblivion save me if there is a god.
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
February 24th, 2010 at 8:05 pm
@no one, This has got to be the most heartbreaking thing I have read in a long time. I’m sorry that you’ve chosen to view life like this. I really, truly am.
[Reply]
nancy Said,
February 24, 2010 @ 8:50 pm
Faiqa, you are beautiful (inside and outside), brilliant, talented, and sweet. And your husband rocks and made me teary with his kick-ass defense of you above! You two rock, and so do your mini-yous! miss you!
[Reply]
Kelli Said,
February 25, 2010 @ 12:14 am
Hey Faiqa.
First of all I have to agree with nancy. I loved the response your husband gave. I couldn’t help but cheer him on as I was reading. Go get ‘em, Tiger! 
And secondly… the rant sounded vaguely familiar… like an angry ex-boyfriend of mine… hrm,… I wonder. lol 
[Reply]
Sahar Said,
February 25, 2010 @ 11:23 am
There is no shortage of dumbasses on the internet(*aka* pure anger)..Faiqa..you are an amazing person and anyone who “knows” you will agree. Its one thing for people to be upset with the injustices done to them and another take them out on decent humans..PS: GO TARIQ!!!!
[Reply]