First, a disclaimer.
I love my parents. I respect them. I even admire them. Love, respect and admiration have been accurate descriptors of how I’ ve felt about them, well, since I was a kid.
Actually, I don’t remember being a kid.
I’ve heard people discuss how their parents never argued in front of them, or how they never heard their parents speak ill of anyone, and certainly not of each other.
That is so antithetical to the way that I was brought up. Sometimes, I have a hard time believing those people are telling the truth in the first place.
Could it be?
That some parents don’t fight about money, extended family, or work in front of their kids.
Could it be?
That some parents understand that when you diminish the child’s other parent in front of them that this same child will feel so much… less about who they are.
Could it be?
That some parents understand that their children will take time to grow up.
That children don’t magically fall into the strength of adulthood.
That childhood is an emotional journey that must be, above all, facilitated by the parent. By both parents.
It’s funny that, after all those years, my parents get along pretty well, now.
They don’t remember that decade or so of my childhood when our family was in a constant state of crisis.
They shake their heads at our insolence and I think they wonder whether bringing up their kids in America wasn’t a mistake, after all. They want to blame everything and everyone for the distance between us and them.
It’s just that they’ve forgotten that … they never treated us like kids. They treated us more like… a much younger brother and sister. I look at photos of myself and my brother as children and see so much wisdom in our eyes. Too much wisdom. A child shouldn’t know what “walking on eggshells” means until they’re… well, not a child anymore.
We had to know our place in terms of family hierarchy, yet we were expected to play emotional spousal substitute for them as they saw fit.
It was painful. It was difficult. It was unnatural.
It’s made my relationship with my parents fairly awkward for the most part. When they try to ask me how I’m feeling, or give well intentioned advice about how I should raise my daughter, I don’t know how to make them understand that their decision to start acting like parents is just too late.
If we weren’t children then, we certainly aren’t now, either.
As kids, MBTD and I were expected to handle anything without complaint. This doesn’t mean that we didn’t complain. Actually, I did. A lot. But the emotions behind those complaints were never treated as justifiable. They were treated as weaknesses, not as the normal childlike reactions that they were.
My childhood?
I remember being a negotiator.
I remember being a reluctant therapist.
I remember being a reason to fight.
I remember being a reason to endure tribulation.
I remember being a weapon used to hurt someone.
I remember thinking I should be stronger.
I remember feeling like I wasn’t enough.
I remember thinking if I were just a little bit better, I could make them happier.
I remember never being able to assume that either of my parents would unconditionally be on my side.
I remember being extremely cautious about who I really trusted.
I really don‘t remember ever just being a kid.
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SciFi Dad Said,
April 30, 2009 @ 5:45 am
I think you and I lived similar childhoods. (Aside: I wrote a similar post about this years ago, from the angle of “I won’t raise my kids this way”. http://talesfromthedadside.blogspot.com/2006/09/tts-battling-ghosts.html)
I used to refer to our role as co-spouse. My parents used to do all the stuff you refer to, even to the point where I got in a car accident and my mother helped me hide it from my father and get it fixed before he could find out (just like some bad 80s comedy). It was like they couldn’t see us as kids, but just “other people in the house”.
And what is most frustrating is that neither of them thinks they did anything wrong, or they justify it by saying that we turned out OK (except for the fact that two of us are or were in therapy, and the third contemplates it all the time but knows that ultimately they would spend the time analyzing the therapist’s analysis instead of trying get better, so they don’t).
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bubblewench Said,
April 30, 2009 @ 6:11 am
What’s ‘being a kid’? I have no clue either..
Really glad I started reading you… think I’ll go cry over my non-existent childhood, to my therapist.
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Avitable Said,
April 30, 2009 @ 6:18 am
I was lucky because I did get to be a kid. I only remember my parents fighting once the entire time I was growing up. My parents treated us like children when we were children, and their biggest fault is that it took separation from them before they could view us as adults.
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Sybil Law Said,
April 30, 2009 @ 7:26 am
My parents fought, my overall, my childhood was pretty ideal and happy. Certainly not perfect. My dad had some depression issues, and there were periods of walking on eggshells, and it drove me nuts. But then my mom, when I was about 10, told me how his father chased him around with a frigging shotgun while drunk and was literally trying to kill him – he was 14. She told me that even if my dad wasn’t perfect, he was much better than his own father, and he tried to do what was best for me, even if he didn’t do it in the right way.
I am so glad she told me that, because it really changed my view of my dad in general, as just some sometimes grumpy dictator, into a guy who was once a kid with a horrible father and his own set of issues to deal with. I was grateful he wasn’t an abusive, alcoholic asshole, and it made me hurt for him, what he had to deal with.
I hate that you feel you didn’t have a childhood. That hurts me.
But I guess what I am trying to say is, your parents probably tried with what they knew, and even if they weren’t the best at it, who knows what they dealt with as kids themselves.
And they could’ve given you Santa, at least!
(Sorry – felt like I was getting too heavy and preachy, which I never want to do!)
xo
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B.E. Earl Said,
April 30, 2009 @ 8:05 am
I can’t relate. My parents never fought and the only real concern was money because he have a large family. But that didn’t affect me being a kid. As Jimmy Buffett once wrote, life was just a tire swing back then.
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Princess of the Universe Said,
April 30, 2009 @ 8:30 am
I had half and half- my parents fought, but I know that my Dad didn’t want to in front of me. My Mom was the unstable one who made me question who I could trust, and taught me about walking on eggshells. I learned about eggshells really early!
It’s weird though, a lot of the kids at school used to tell me that I was like a little adult. I kind of feel like I made up for it later (now) when I actually was an adult.
But as Sybil said, I guess they all just did the best they could with the tools they had…
xo
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Finn Said,
April 30, 2009 @ 9:24 am
I had parts of my childhood stolen from me, but once my father left that all stopped. And while I don’t recall my parents fighting in front of me, I do recall them fighting; it woke me up in the middle of the night.
Mister and I fight once in a while. And yes, Lil’ M can hear us. But he can also hear us work it out. I’ve also taken the time to explain that people fight and it’s not the end of the world.
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Tariq Said,
April 30, 2009 @ 10:20 am
I am still working through trying to convince my parents that I am not a kid anymore. Separation from them (we live in different continents), supporting a family, a decent profession, a house…all of this has still not convinced them that i am an adult. However, frankly, since i see them only once a year…i don’t mind being treated like a kid TEMPORARILY!
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yasmine Said,
April 30, 2009 @ 2:03 pm
holy bajesus, this post reminds me a little of my own growing-up years, too (and even a little bit of my now years), Faiqa.
i totally feel you on the being a negotiator/reluctant therapist/emotional spousal subsitute. gah. that’s pretty much an ongoing drama in my home.
in the past, it also didn’t help that my mom spent about 7 years (from when i was in 8th grade until i was halfway through college) going back and forth between home here and the motherland, where she took care of my grandmother. it was 3 months here, 9 months there, rinse, repeat. so we kids had to grow up quickly, run a household, and act like adults even through we were pre-teens/teenagers trying to figure out our own lives and where we fit in. not a period of my life i’d care to repeat again.
the fact that my parents have completely different levels of education and world-perspective doesn’t make it easy, either.
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Faiqa Said,
April 30, 2009 @ 4:37 pm
@SciFi Dad: Like you, I’m not playing blame game about this either. Nothing in my life that’s “wrong” is their fault, but it would be nice for them to … well, acknowledge how much they put on me and how well I handled it.
@bubblewench: Aww. ::hug:: I’m glad you’re reading, too.
@Avitable: And, yet, I don’t think that’s a fault. I think that’s normal, right?
@Sybil Law: My parents did go through, a lot. They did try their best. But, just like I can’t blame my problems or my bad behavior on the way they raised me, they shouldn’t get a free pass either. They could have been different if they wanted to… it takes daily effort for me not to fall into their behavior patterns. I mourn for their lack of will/inability to do that.
@B.E. Earl: That’s good, I’m glad for you.
@Princess of the Universe: Yes, they did their best, and that’s usually my mantra. It’s just that with *my* parents, they never acknowledged that *I* did/do my best… I’m of the mood lately that demands reciprocity. I feel like doing unto others as they’ve done unto me. Not very evolved, I know. I blame the hormones.
@Finn: I think it’s alright to fight in front of your children as long as you are civil (for the most part) and if you are sure to resolve those conflicts in front of them, as you have described.
@Tariq: I wonder if you realize hoe much I envy that, SOMETIMES.
@yasmine: <3 & ::hugs:: This is why we’re both so awesome. I’m sure of it.
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Robin Said,
April 30, 2009 @ 7:11 pm
My childhood, while it wasn’t too horrible, was pretty short – I was forced to grow up WAY too quickly because of things that happened with and to family members. Looking back, I think it helped me be the (pretty strong and independent) person I am today. However, I would never raise my kids the way I was raised, and I so can’t wait to have kids so that I can watch them and have fun experiencing them grow and change.
I don’t know about your parents, but my parents never really had fun with me and my brothers – like the rolling around in the grass, tickle party, face painting, laugh out loud fun. They loved us and we never wanted for anything, but I wish they would have had fun with us more.
This is an awesome topic.
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Faiqa Said,
April 30, 2009 @ 7:45 pm
That’s pretty much how I was raised and how I would describe my parents, as well.
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delmer Said,
April 30, 2009 @ 9:06 pm
I was 26 or 27 and working with people who had disabilities — I helped them find and keep work. Once one guy said, “… and then my dad beat me with his belt buckle. At least I got his attention then.” It was then I realized that not everybody had grown up the way I had. (I didn’t know we had homeless people in the US until I was 18 … and I thought they all lived in NYC’s subways. I was a bit naive.)
That night I sat down and wrote my folks a letter telling them I appreciated just what good parents they’d been to me and my siblings.
Anyway, my brother, sister and I were allowed to be kids. Sometimes that meant digging in the dirt with an old spoon.
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Ali Said,
April 30, 2009 @ 10:02 pm
That is just so…sad. I hate hearing about when people didn’t have a “proper” childhood.
My parents fought on occasion, but in all honesty, it was my mom and I who really had the blowouts. At 10 I hit the super bitchy, attitude in abundance, snotty, shithead stage, and from there it was firework city between her and I. My dad just cowered. Even with all that though, I had a great childhood.
At least from your own experiences, you can do your best to make sure your kids truly get to BE kids
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Faiqa Said,
April 30, 2009 @ 10:44 pm
@delmer: You know, my GOAL is to get a letter like that from my kid. It’s not just a testament to the parenting, but to the child as well.
@Ali: I definitely intend to apply what I’ve learned. And, my childhood wasn’t all bad — we had fun… just not a lot of it was with my parents.
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Kimberly Said,
April 30, 2009 @ 11:14 pm
From what I hear, parenting is hard…which is why I have no intention of doing it. There isn’t an instruction book and no one has to take a test or get a license to be a parent, which is a shame in my opinion. Whether we think we’ve had a good, decent, or bad childhood, all we can do at this point is take that upbringing with a grain of salt and learn from it. It sounds like you are on your way to getting one of those letters from your child.
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Faiqa Said,
May 1, 2009 @ 9:10 am
I know this post sounds like I think my parents were awful, but I don’t. I know they tried. And you’re right Kimberly, we take those things with a grain of salt and we move on… perhaps, incorporating some lessons learned along the way. That’s the best we can do.
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slyde Said,
May 1, 2009 @ 9:28 am
thats very poignant, and very sad. My childhood was very much the same way. When i was about 12, our house was robbed, and my parents were never the same. THey fought and argued constantly, until my dad left when i was 21.
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Anonymous Said,
May 1, 2009 @ 5:38 pm
Mom Blogs – Blogs for Moms…
…
Nanna Said,
May 2, 2009 @ 7:06 am
I have to admit, I let my kids, especially the oldest one, shoulder far more than they should have in terms of being my support systems. Of course, one doesn’t realize that except in retrospect.
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Dede Said,
May 2, 2009 @ 7:32 am
WOW, what IS being a kid all about? Admittedly, I am a tad jealous of those of you that had a “normal” childhood.
Like many, I had to grow up waaaay too fast. Parents divorced at age 3, and mom with 4 youngin’s to support! Thus, mom worked 2-3 jobs and was never around to “parent”. Not her fault, no. But, in the midst of trying to provide for her children materially, all of the essential “fun” stuff was missed…
My siblings were 6-10 years older than myself, left home at 17-18, which meant I was alone with mom, who continued to work hard and long. When she was home, I became her caretaker, her emotional provider. That’s a lot for a kid.
I have always been treated as an adult, as much as my mom and step-father like to claim that I am a “kid” at 47. Maybe I am, but not in the way they think! Maybe, just maybe, I am trying to have the fun now, that I didn’t get to have when I was “supposed” to? And, quite frankly, I don’t care what they think now.
Like yourself, Faiqa, I love my parents. However, am a bit rebelious when they speak of the “old days” when I was a kid? I was never a kid, at least in the “time” they refer to, back when I was supposed to be.
It sucks!
Great post, Faiqa. Thanks for bringing up a topic that so many are reluctant to discuss, for fear that they are being disrespectful. I know you better than that. And, I admire deeply your honesty and expression.
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Searching Said,
May 3, 2009 @ 3:41 pm
I tumbled across this site by accident and i’m glad that I did. this post completely resonates with my childhood, and the rest of my life. i’m an only child and walking on eggshells is the story of my life. i couldn’t spill some milk on the carpet without it being declared the end of the world. it was made clear any *mistake* I did was an ordeal I put my parents through. parents, of course, always want the best for their child but sometimes I wonder why they don’t give more thought into child rearing. and it’s the same today because i still live with them. as for taking things with a grain of salt, i always found that hard to do. my mother has the power to really hurt me. and i don’t know if i’ll ever rise beyond that.
anyway, great post.
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Faiqa Said,
May 3, 2009 @ 5:48 pm
@Slyde: Yeah, I think sad is a good way to describe how I feel about it. I’m definitely not angry because I think anger implies blame. And I can’t bring myself to blame people for what it seems they can’t help
@Nanna: When it’s all said and done, I think intention is the most important part of parenting. My parents never intended to hurt me or my brother. In fact, they intended the best for us, perhaps they even thought they were preparing us or protecting us? For that? I love and adore them so much. As I am SURE your kids do, as well.
@Dede: “Thanks for bringing up a topic that so many are reluctant to discuss, for fear that they are being disrespectful. I know you better than that. And, I admire deeply your honesty and expression.” Thank *YOU* Dede for saying that.
@Searching: Thanks for taking the time to comment, I appreciate your honesty and all I can say is that these things take time, you know?
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Coal Miner's Granddaughter Said,
May 4, 2009 @ 6:47 pm
I, too, became the marriage counselor/psychologist in my high school/college years, and I hated it. I couldn’t understand why they just couldn’t deal with their issues without putting me in the middle.
I’m so sorry, hon. Wish I could go back and smack them for you.
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