I don’t think anybody has the right to tell someone how they should feel.
I have probably seen my mother cry three times in my whole life. I have never seen my father cry. I haven’t seen my brother cry since we were kids.
Me? I cry all the time. A commercial, reading a good blog post, a good book, watching a particularly beautiful sunset, and even while I’m praying. I’m just naturally drawn to tears.
I’m also very expressive about the way that I feel.
I laugh when people ask me if I’m mad at them because… if I’m mad, you will know.
I grew up in a family of people who were very different from me. My outbursts of emotion were awkward for them, I think. Maybe they were feeling the same way inside, trying to push it down, and watching me made it harder for them.
Or maybe they were sociopaths.
“Why are you being so sensitive?”
“There’s nothing to be so upset about.”
And my personal favorite, “So and so is not worth it.”
I understand that some people are not good with dealing with the discomfort of a seemingly negative human emotion.
I don’t understand, though, what makes a person dismiss someone else’s pain just because they can’t identify with it.
That’s why you’ll never hear me say, “What’s the big deal?” in that crappy tone that suggests that this really is not a big deal.
I think a much better response is, “Why?” Or, if you know why, then “I can understand why…”
The number of people in my life that respond to me in that way are so few that it makes me sad. Not for myself, but for humanity in general.
The knee jerk response to a sad or angry individual is to make them stop.
I think we should leave that task of making it stop to medical professionals.
As friends, parents and spouses, our task, when faced with human emotion, is not to make it stop.
People don’t realize that we can’t make someone else’s pain go away. We can only help them calm down. We can only help them feel safe enough to start fixing their own life.
We can only give them some acknowledgment.
And people deserve acknowledgment, you know.
We may not understand where they’re coming from, or why they’re so upset, but they deserve the respect that’s implicit in an acknowledgment of their feelings.
That acknowledgment says, “I may not know where you’re coming from or why you’re so upset, but I believe that you have a good reason. I believe you. I believe that it is a big a deal.”
(And, yes, I’m fine.)
(No, Tariq didn’t do anything.)
(Out of the ordinary.)
(Kidding.)
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Hilly Said,
April 26, 2009 @ 10:12 am
I completely agree with you. If someone is so low down in the dumps that they can’t see to come out of it, nothing that *I* do is going to change that. There are no magic words that I can say to make their hurt go away. The most proactive way to help someone is to be there to listen when they are ready and let them have their space.
Of course, I also feel like there are some people that wallow in the same crud for years and years. Those kind of people usually aren’t ones I keep around though. But then again, I’m sort of a bitch like that.
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hello haha narf Said,
April 26, 2009 @ 10:32 am
amen! especially: That acknowledgment says, “I may not know where you’re coming from or why you’re so upset, but I believe that you have a good reason. I believe you. I believe that it is a big a deal.”
damn, faiqa, you know how to write one hell of a post.
although my ex was a dick in many ways, one thing i truly loved was that when i was crying he knew enough to shut up and hold me. the land of tears is a secret place, no amount of snot filled words will make anyone truly understand the aching heart, but just being there and being supportive IF i want to talk is incredible.
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Miss Britt Said,
April 26, 2009 @ 10:37 am
I wonder if Jared would think it was weird if this post was printed out and left sitting out, say, on his nightstand….
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Avitable Said,
April 26, 2009 @ 11:48 am
Why are you being so sensitive? This topic totally isn’t worth it.
Oh wait.
Honestly, though, not all emotions are valid, are they? Is it valid every single little time someone gets mad or is it a problem? I think in most situations, there is a good reason, and sometimes you don’t need a reason, but there are also plenty of times where it’s a stupid reason. I’m not talking about anyone specifically, just emotions in general, but that’s how I feel.
If I get mad at someone, usually I’ll tell myself that it’s stupid and makes no sense, and it’s not a good reason, and then I won’t take out my stupidity on them. If everyone in the world did this, it would be a better place.
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Hilly Said,
April 26, 2009 @ 12:14 pm
@avitable – do you mean that complaining about the light waking you up when you are lucky enough to be on a beautiful vacation isn’t a valid angry emotion? Who knew?
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Avitable Said,
April 26, 2009 @ 12:14 pm
Hahahahahahahah!
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Sybil Law Said,
April 26, 2009 @ 1:38 pm
I have a friend who is pretty damn emotional, and I am just not. It takes a LOT to get me to ACT on any of my feelings, or, rather, the angry or upset ones. I freely bitch, but I don’t go just tearing someone a new a – hole because I’m mad or irritated. I am not a crier, so if I am crying, there’s some good reason. (Usually, sheer frustration makes me cry.)
Still, my overly emotional friend calls me ALL the time, because even though I am NOT that way, I totally get why she IS – I mean, if it’s enough to make you upset in any sense, then it’s valid. In my opinion, anyway. Feelings can’t be categorized too easily.
I wish I could cry more freely. Not sure why I don’t. My fear is that because I don’t, people think I am devoid of emotion, which is completely not true. I just don’t wear it on my sleeve. I admire people who do. (Unless they’re whiners, because I can handle anything but the whiney people.
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Princess of the Universe Said,
April 26, 2009 @ 2:00 pm
This is an awesome post, I totally get this.
(Although perhaps I don’t need to cry at EVERY commercial…)
xo
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Jason Said,
April 26, 2009 @ 3:05 pm
It drives me bonkers when someone, trying to comfort someone else who is crying, says “Don’t cry. Stop crying. It’s okay. Don’t cry.”
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adnan. Said,
April 26, 2009 @ 3:57 pm
@jason – would it be better to say, “you can start feeling better now”? i.e. tell the person how they can start feeling, instead of telling them to stop feeling someway?
or are they both the same?
@faiqa – madam, must you qualify your post with the bracketed statements at the end? =)
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adnan. Said,
April 26, 2009 @ 3:58 pm
also, this comment is being written in riyadh, saudi.
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Faiqa Said,
April 26, 2009 @ 5:36 pm
@Hilly: Well. Yeah. I do that, too. And that makes it perfectly not bitchy. Seriously, there’s a difference between someone is experiencing a rough patch, or dealing with something in particular that is difficult… people who are pathologically sad are usually in need of professional help, and it’s best, IMO, not to take on an impossible task.
@ hello haha narf: You definitely get it. That doesn’t surprise me.
@Miss Britt: I could always call his cell phone and leave it as a voice mail message, that might seem more natural?
@Avitable: Validity is subjective. You get irritated by a lot of trivial stuff, in my opinion, but it’s not trivial to *you*. Who decides what’s valid and not? Oh, wait, I know exactly how you’re going to answer that one. Starts with an “Ada” ends with an “able”?
@Hilly: GENIUS.
@Sybil Law: My suspicions are confirmed: You are perfect.
@Princess of the Universe: Well, I AM pregnant, you know.
@Jason: Me, too.
@adnan. :
Your question to Jason, *my* answer is that they’re both the same.
Your question about my bracketed statements (which we call parenthesis in America – lol) is ALWAYS. You’ll know why as soon as you sign those marriage papers. …
And Saudi? Living up your Spring Break in true Canadian party style, huh? LOL.
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Avitable Said,
April 26, 2009 @ 5:40 pm
If I’m irritated at something trivial, I’d rather someone point it out to me rather than enable my irritation. And it’s one thing to be mad at someone because of something they did and another to be an asshole to someone because you’re just mad in general. One of those is overemotional and should be something that should be acknowledged as wrong.
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Nanna Said,
April 26, 2009 @ 7:53 pm
You know, this is something I have really learned as a nurse–the art of just listening–”mourning with those who mourn”. Because saying “It will be OK” when it clearly is not, at least at the moment…I hate that.
I do think people are uncomfortable with other people crying or upset. we want to “fix” things.
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Sheila (Charm School Reject) Said,
April 26, 2009 @ 9:06 pm
I hatehatehate when people dismiss others’ emotions. If someone is feeling a specific way, it doesn’t matter if you understand it or not, their feelings are still valid and important.
Unless, of course, said person is a crazy psycho flipping the fuck out like someone peed in their cheerios because you may or may not have made a thinly veiled statement that they automatically assume is about them.
But me? I’m a total sloppy, slobbery, face gets all bloated and red and gross, crier.
Hallmark commercials, books, news stories, movies, whatever.
If I see someone crying, it is highly likely that I will start crying, even if I don’t know exactly why they are crying. I guess because I know what it is like to be alone in my tears.
And my husband, yeah, he is totally not a douchebag when I cry. I like that he gets that.
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Faiqa Said,
April 26, 2009 @ 10:46 pm
@Avitable: I try to avoid friendships with people who are “just mad in general.” Also, you’re not understanding that I don’t think “trivial” is an objective judgment call. Trivial to me is a big deal to you and vice versa. Once I’ve decided that someone is worth my time, I waive the need to impose my judgment of what’s worth getting mad about upon them. This only works, of course, if one’s friends are grown ups and not little children trapped in adult bodies.
@Nanna: Oh, yeah, a dismissive nurse? That would be baaad…
@Sheila (Charm School Reject): Peed in their Cheerios?!! Well. Thanks for ruining my favorite cereal. For. Life.
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Avitable Said,
April 26, 2009 @ 10:51 pm
Most people are emotional children. They need guidance, and I’m just the person to give it!
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whall Said,
April 27, 2009 @ 6:08 am
So what do you do with the person who is so addicted to acknowledgment, they’re not left to any way of growing up? Sure, I think compassion has a solid footing in a human’s needs, but when a need gets satisfied all the time, you get apathetic to what the need really is. Same with hunger, possessions, education, you name it. If you get that need over-satisfied, atrophy sets in.
On your part of “so and so’s not worth it”, I actually say something like that pretty frequently. To my kids, in particular. If someone offended them by calling them a name, or said something mean, I explain to them that they (my kids) cannot control that other person’s actions. However, they CAN control their reaction to that other person’s action. My kids can choose to give that other person power over them, nor NOT give them the power. The power lies in the response.
In essence, those other people aren’t worth it.
Do I console them? Surely. Do I let them know I’m there for them? Of course. But I absolutely let them know that anyone who would be mean to them is not worth it. Sometimes I even say they’re SO not worth it, get a new BFF (so they understand me).
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bubblewench Said,
April 27, 2009 @ 8:05 am
Reading this almost makes me cry. So perfectly worded, so excellent in it’s message.
I’m the same way.. and my family thinks I’m just a big fat baby and selfish because I express myself.
Thank you, there is no way I could explain to you how much this post means to me at this moment.
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Tariq Said,
April 27, 2009 @ 8:35 am
Wait…so did i or did not do something wrong?
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Finn Said,
April 27, 2009 @ 9:53 am
@Whall, you bring up a good point. This is an important lesson to teach kids. I’m the first one ot point out to anyone that they shouldn’t take anything personally, but that takes a ton of practice. I wonder if you would you say the same thing if one of your kids had their first romantic heartbreak (even if it were true)? I think it greatly depends on the situation.
I always do my best to just listen. That usually helps people work through whatever. If it starts to be a habit, I would probably make a suggestion that they DO something about it.
It’s a delicate balance, I think.
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RebTurtle Said,
April 28, 2009 @ 4:30 am
@ Tariq – Dude, she’s a woman and PREGNANT! It doesn’t matter whether you did something wrong or not – you’re wrong. You can apologize, or like the weather here in Hawaii, you can just wait 10 minutes and it will change. My wife is 6 months along with #2. I suggest carrying an emergency kit stocked with tissues, chocolate, Post-Its with little notes like “I love you” already written on them that you can sneak onto/into her stuff when she’s not looking, massage oil/lotion, and a change of underwear in case she laughs at something.
@ Faiqa – Nice post. I don’t know that I can add anything constructive to what’s already been said. I, myself, am an emotional wreck of a guy. I can be heard regularly saying things like, “Awwwww! Honey come look at the puppies on this commercial!” It took every ounce of strength I had not to melt into a sobbing, blubbering idiot at the end of “Marley and Me.” And if I even hear “taps” being played I have to be ready to find out where my wife left the tissues. Factual or fictional – it doesn’t matter, that song brings too many Army funeral details flooding to my mind.
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slyde Said,
April 28, 2009 @ 8:47 am
You and I are cut of the same Ilk, i think.
My wife doesnt seem to show the emotional highs and lows that i do, and it really irks me sometimes. When i ask her about it, she tells me im crazy.
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ADRealty Said,
April 28, 2009 @ 11:41 am
I’m an emotional person. I’m a bitch, I’m a lover…. ANYWAY, I say what I feel. It drives my sister’s crazy because of it. It’s crazy, I cannot or should not tell my sisters what I think, because it hurts their feelings BUT they can say whatever they want to me. They are in their late 50′s, early 60′s. I’m in my middle 40′s. We were never allowed to talk back to them because they changed our diapers. But now, I feel like I’m too old to be pushed around by my older siblings. I say what I want, and sometimes I’m not very nice about it. That’s one thing I wish I could be. But, when someone cries around me, I let them cry. And then, I tell them what I feel, I will not play favorites, I just say what is wrong or right. People have to cry. My daughter on the other hand, she says what she feels, and she doesn’t cry. She is so different than me. My son, he’s so mellow. Such a sweet young man. My husband, ooh he’s so damn rude at times.
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Zia Said,
April 28, 2009 @ 4:22 pm
sociopath….hmmm….I believe if I actually gave a shit I would throw down an expletive in your general direction…Seriously, I really don’t give a shit, you’re still my favorite whatever it is that you are ..oh, why don’t I give a shit? “CAUSE IT’S NOT WORTH IT!!”
hahaha…good times, good times.
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Faiqa Said,
April 28, 2009 @ 6:37 pm
@whall: “when a need gets satisfied all the time, you get apathetic to what the need really is.” I think with most NON dysfunctional people, once an emotional need is adequately satisfied, they stop craving that satisfaction. I don’t consider myself addicted to acknowledgment, rather I think of it as an integral part of communication. You must acknowledge that you know what someone is feeling before you try to “fix it”… and most times, they can fix it themselves, they just need someone to listen to them.
@bubblewench: Aww, you’re so welcome. It means a lot that.. it means a lot to you.
@Tariq: Maybe. No. Kidding. What was the question?
@Finn: Yeah, I bust out with suggestion the fifth or sixth time I hear someone rant about the same problem.
@RebTurtle: I had to laugh at your response. When Tariq and I got married, my uncle pulled him aside and said, “Listen, you’re a husband, now, you need to know two things: 1) You are always wrong and 2) most of your life will be spent waiting for her to get ready or holding her purse. Lucky for Tariq, I don’t let ANYONE touch my purse.
@slyde: Oh, yeah, I get really upset when someone implies I’m crazy. I feel like screaming, “I’ll show you CRAZY!!” and then slashing their tires. Did I say that out loud?
@ADRealty: It’s hardest to acknowledge family member’s feelings because there’s so much closeness there. You feel like you know them better than they know themselves. That’s probably how your sisters feel about you?
@Zia: Sigh. I give up. Maybe you’ll cry if I kick you in the shin really hard… and then tell you that you were adopted. Which, really, is not that hard to believe.
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Elizabeth Kaylene Said,
April 28, 2009 @ 9:59 pm
I’m a cryer, too, and the response I get most is, “grow up.”
I used to really hate (and still slightly hate) that I’m so emotional. But whatever. At least I can identify with others’ pain rather than telling them to “grow up.”
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Coal Miner's Granddaughter Said,
May 4, 2009 @ 6:35 pm
What most people need is a shoulder, a couple of ears, and some understanding. Whether I can help them or not is inconsequential. Because it’s all about just being there.
Hope you’re OK, hon.
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