I’ve been on Facebook for a little over a year.
Besides being a major time suck and an adult version of a high school drama cluster, it’s generally fun.
There are a few things that irritate me about the way people use Facebook, though. And by a few things, I mean 3,465,234,128 things.
Here are just two of them:
1. All Status Updates are not created equal. Make them Interesting. For the love of God and all things holy.
Going to the bathroom? Don’t care. At mom’s house? Don’t care. At the grocery store? Oh my God, do not care.
HOWEVER.
I might care more if…
Instead of writing “I’m going to the bathroom,” a person wrote, “Methinks His Highness wishes to retire to the throne for a spell.”
Instead of “Going to visit the family in Podunk,” a person wrote, “Let’s see how long it takes my mom to emasculate my dad before dinner.”
Instead of “Going to the grocery store,” a person wrote “Aliens just landed in my driveway, they say they’re going to scour the planet for losers AND they’ve decided to make me their queen!!”
Incidentally, that last one would be particularly funny if you were a guy.
2. Don’t Forget that Facebook isThat Girl.
If Sally, Jenny and I are friends, we can see each other’s updates.
If Sally and Jenny start talking to each other on their Facebook walls, I can see it.
And that’s fiiiine.
But when Sally and Jenny start talking about how Sally was late for her time of the month, I am now privy to that information. Or worse, when Jenny invites Sally to a super special get together where only the cool girls are invited and I am not one of the supposed cool girls (I know, but let’s pretend we’re in an alternate universe, shall we?) …hello, I can see it.
People. This is rude. It is rude to make plans in front of someone who is not invited to said plans. There is a feature in Facebook that can make your conversation private. It’s called an “Inbox.”
One could, at least, attempt to be cryptic.
Instead of writing “We’re still going to lunch at Bahama Breeze tomorrow with everyone except for Faiqa, right?”, one might consider, “You know, that thing that we were talking about from the other day that we didn’t invite the coolest person in the universe to? Just wanted to throw it out there that it’s most likely going down sometime in the near future. ”
Or, I know this is going to sound crazy, but a person could pick up the phone. I know. That’s just… insane.
Facebook is that girl. You know, the one who you had to whisper around because if she heard you, even the janitor’s sister would be privy to every detail of your life. So, to keep that girl from making you potentially look like a jerk, you might want to metaphorically lower your voice.
…
Ahem.
Oh my.
That was ranty.
(First person to mention pregnancy hormones in my comment section dies a horrible death.)
I just wanted to put this out there because I’ve noticed that for all the greatness of the Internet, it seems people forget basic rules of etiquette in certain areas.
Like, be considerate.
And be interesting.
Or, at the very least, consider being interesting. 
But I love Facebook, I do. It’s enriched my life in ways you cannot imagine.
Prior to using Facebook, for example, I did not know the following:
If I were a Great Book, I’d be Lord of the Rings.
If I were a celebrity, I’d be Angelina Jolie.
If I were a crazy bitch, I’d be Sylvia Plath.
If I were a decade, I’d be a 20s Flapper.
If I were a Golden Girl, I’d be Dorothy.
If I were one of Jesus’ disciples, I’d be Thomas.
If I were a Marvel Superhero, I’d be Jean Grey.
Who needs self help books or religion when a Facebook Quiz will give you all the insight into your soul that a person might possibly need?
P.S. Are we friends on Facebook, yet? Promise not to lecture you about Facebook etiquette. Much.
P.P. S. You can look me up, but be advised that there are about twenty “Faiqa Khan’s” on Facebook. I know, right? I’m the breathtakingly awesome one with the most non-Arabic named people in my friend list.
P.P.P.S. Who else thinks it’s ironic that the Muslim chick got Thomas?! Heh.
Posted by Faiqa on April 7, 2009 10:55 pm • Seriously. I Have No Clue. About Anything. • 34 comments
34 Comments »
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Ginger Said,
April 8, 2009 @ 12:39 am
*Cheers & Applause! Cheers & Applause!!*
[Reply]
Kailyn Said,
April 8, 2009 @ 1:35 am
There’s a quiz for Marvel superheroes? Oh, and that decades one? How did I miss it? Squeeee! You’re a peach for feeding my addiction.
[Reply]
Nikki Said,
April 8, 2009 @ 2:34 am
I’ve actually chosen the option of not seeing updates from certain people on my friend list. One of them did a countdown every day for over a month. And that was the only thing she updated with.
“56 days until….”
[Reply]
Nikki Said,
April 8, 2009 @ 2:36 am
P.S. I just searched for you on Facebook. You’ll be happy to know you were the first result listed.
[Reply]
Turnbaby Said,
April 8, 2009 @ 5:07 am
*applause*
And the ‘new’ layout makes it harder to avoid the navel gazing updates. At least I figured out how to turn off that damn egg hunt app.
laughing about the doubting*grin*
[Reply]
SciFi Dad Said,
April 8, 2009 @ 5:59 am
I’m a SciFi geek and even I don’t take those quizzes!
My Facebook page is littered with useless crap like my friends and photos of my kids.
I know.
[Reply]
kapgar Said,
April 8, 2009 @ 6:38 am
I love hearing stories about people who share something in Facebook not remembering that EVERYONE is able to read it. Cracks me up to no end.
BTW, you are totally Jean Grey.
[Reply]
Avitable Said,
April 8, 2009 @ 7:22 am
Next time I’ll make sure you’re invited to the sleepover, jeez!
[Reply]
Crys Said,
April 8, 2009 @ 7:54 am
wait, there’s a party?
why didn’t anybody tell me?
[Reply]
Crys Said,
April 8, 2009 @ 7:55 am
…and is it me or is the person (assuming it’s just one person, which it seriously cannot be) who crafts those Facebook quizzes a complete illiterate? did nobody teach this person proper spelling and grammar?
grammar first, ppl!
[Reply]
B.E. Earl Said,
April 8, 2009 @ 8:05 am
What is this Book of Faces that everyone speaks of?
“Hmmm. I have a list of things that I hate.
1. List of things that people hate.” – Faiqa
Copied from your comment on Adam’s last post. Hee hee.
[Reply]
Sheila (Charm School Reject) Said,
April 8, 2009 @ 8:31 am
Just remember people : it’s only easier to find her than it is to for her to find you when you spell her freakin’ name right.
[Reply]
Miss Britt Said,
April 8, 2009 @ 8:46 am
All of my Facebook statuses are witting and wildly amusing.
I’m sure of it.
[Reply]
Kiefer and Emo Said,
April 8, 2009 @ 9:26 am
Pregnancy hormones.
[Reply]
Hilly Said,
April 8, 2009 @ 9:26 am
You think you are ranty and bitchy? I hide pretty much everyone from my front page. Well, everyone that I hardly really know anyway.
My big rant is people who set their Twitter to update their Facebook as well. So, we have to read it in two places now?
(PS, I know so many people that do that and am about to get my head handed to me on a stick).
[Reply]
Avitable Said,
April 8, 2009 @ 9:31 am
Hilly, I do that, but mainly because I have a lot of friends and family members who don’t read my blog or use Twitter. I also don’t log into Facebook personally unless I get a message or something, so I don’t really see any of those issues.
[Reply]
Sheila (Charm School Reject) Said,
April 8, 2009 @ 9:49 am
Hahahaha! Everyone but me has probably seen this before but figured I’d share with you anyway.
http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2009/02/25/busted-by-facebook/
[Reply]
shiny Said,
April 8, 2009 @ 10:33 am
I have a comment about this blog entry, but I’ve decided not to post it here. Please check your mega-super-Fun Wall instead.
[Reply]
Finn Said,
April 8, 2009 @ 11:23 am
Duuuude, friend me! My status updates are witty, brief and only updated once a day. Plus, all my Facebook friends are in the computer so I rarely go anywhere with them and if I do you are so invited. Like, OK?
[Reply]
Faiqa Said,
April 8, 2009 @ 12:23 pm
@Ginger: Thanks! I love it when my ranting is encouraged with that kind of enthusiasm.
@Kailyn: You got me started, I’m glad I could return the favor.
@Nikki: And now we’re friends!! I’m excited! I didn’t realize we’re due so close to each other. I’m due on Aug. 2 & my daughter was born on 8/20…
@Turnbaby: I can never seem to find my “wall” inthe new layout and YET I can see everyone else’s. Sigh.
@SciFi Dad: I took those quizzes for the sole purpose of posting the results on my blog. That says something about the level of dedication on my part to the geek population that reads it.
@kapgar: I cannot tell you how ecstatic I was to find out I was Jean Grey!! And how happy I am that you agree!
@Avitable: Too late. Now, I will decimate you in the lunch room and leaving you crying like a bitch while all your nerdy friends watch in horror. Muwahahahaha.
@Crys: Oh, I know, “Your a pretty girl, everyone is jelous of you…” Clearly, this person is a genius.
@B.E. Earl: Well played, my friend, well played. And YET. I said irritate in this post, not hate. But, hey, thanks for playing!! (I’ve been waiting for weeks to use that last sentence, ever since Adam used it on me. Did I do it right? Did it feel forced?).
@Sheila (Charm School Reject): You did find me though.
@Miss Britt: They are. You were the inspiration for the suggestions I gave up there.
@Kiefer and Emo: Bastard(s). Also, be sure to let me know if you prefer impalement to beheading.
@Hilly: Hee hee. I do that. For the same reason that Adam has listed.
@Sheila (Charm School Reject) : That was funny!!
@shiny: Heh. I upgraded to the mega-super-duper-could-this-be-any-more-ridiculous Fun Wall. Just FYI.
@Finn: It’s a deal.
Annnd done.
[Reply]
Sybil Law Said,
April 8, 2009 @ 12:23 pm
There was a quiz for The Golden Girls?!!!!!
Only some kind of asstard wouldn’t invite you anywhere. You’re first on my list.
Well, once you can drink again.
Ha! Kidding!!!
xo
[Reply]
trishk Said,
April 8, 2009 @ 12:39 pm
I provide witty updates like..”drinking wine at the tiki bar” or “hubby just went and got me a hot fudge sundae” do those count?
I never invite just one person anywhere…I usually invite the entire FB nation to whatever I have or go…
[Reply]
Kiefer and Emo Said,
April 8, 2009 @ 2:16 pm
Well I’m all for beheading. But I’m for impalement.
[Reply]
B.E. Earl Said,
April 8, 2009 @ 2:36 pm
And YET. Adam said “creep him out” in his post, not hate. But, hey, thanks for playing!!
[Reply]
Hilly Said,
April 8, 2009 @ 4:05 pm
Faiqa and Adam: You guys aren’t really Twitter whores though. There are some people (*coughmommybloggerscough*) who tweet every five seconds in both places!
[Reply]
Faiqa Said,
April 8, 2009 @ 9:16 pm
@Sybil Law: I know. I can’t fathom why anyone would NOT want to have me around, either.
@trishk: You’re definitely Facebook friend material.
@Kiefer and Emo: Decided then, first an impalement followed by a beheading. It’ll be awkward in the execution, but I think it will hurt more that way.
@B.E. Earl: Ouch. And dammit.
@Hilly: :: Doing the “I’m not a twitter whore” dance!::
[Reply]
J... Said,
April 8, 2009 @ 11:11 pm
You totally didn’t mention the super cool quizzes! Did you know that if I was a Muppet, I would totally be Fozzie? Now that is something I couldn’t live another day without knowing.
Status Update…MeThinks that using a laptop while on the port-o-john is a bit tricky. Anyone know how to get pee off the keyboard?
[Reply]
Faiqa Said,
April 9, 2009 @ 12:17 am
@J… : OMG! Best. Update. Ever.
[Reply]
elise Said,
April 9, 2009 @ 11:14 am
I once read a bitchy conversation about “the girl that everybody hates because she screwed another man’s husband and how he found a nasty pus scab on her private part when he was going down on her.”
Too much information! Facebook is completely fucked up!
I did my duty and added my opinion though. xx
[Reply]
Kate Said,
April 9, 2009 @ 12:06 pm
Good lord, I love this post.
[Reply]
Talia Said,
April 9, 2009 @ 12:22 pm
Love this Post- I had a great laugh!!!
[Reply]
Princess of the Universe Said,
April 9, 2009 @ 1:03 pm
1. I am about to go Facebook stalk you right now.
2. That private party thing? Yeah, I totally got in trouble for that once…felt really badly for hurting a friend’s feelings, but when one friend hates another friend and you have to choose blah blah blah…
xo
[Reply]
Faiqa Said,
April 9, 2009 @ 1:39 pm
@elise: Eww. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.
@Kate:Thanks. There’s more bitchiness where THAT came from!
@Talia:
@Princess of the Universe: I got in trouble, too. Hence this post.
[Reply]
Coal Miner's Granddaughter Said,
April 9, 2009 @ 2:17 pm
First? So looking for you right now so we can “Friend!” Second? Facebook freaks me out because it’s my high school freaks, my college buddies, my blog peeps, and my ghost hunter geeks all mingling. In one place. Reading my insanity.
And that makes me twitch. A lot.
[Reply]