Mommy, Why Do You Wear Make Up?
A few days ago, Sarcastica wrote a great post about getting her eyebrows waxed. Of course, when this young woman writes about anything, there’s usually something deep and meaningful at the heart of her post. She wrote,
It’s complicated because when we do these things like colour our hair or wax our eyebrows, it makes us feel better. Yet we really shouldn’t feed into this whole outlook of what a woman should look like. I would never get plastic surgery or anything like that, but I would diet…in a way, I often wonder how that’s any different from plastic surgery. It’s still trying to change your body shape and fit into the media’s definition of “beautiful”.
What would you tell your daughter (or son for that matter) if they asked you why you were always worried about your weight, or waxing your eyebrows?
What will I tell my daughter when she asks me that question?
I want to convey to her that appearances are secondary. I want her to learn that who we are far outweighs what we look like in the cosmic scale of things.
But I won’t stop going to the beauty salon to prove that point.
Now, I’ve thought about it. We buy into society’s vision of different things all of the time. And society’s ideals are not always bad.
When do a society’s visions or ideals of a thing not make us better?
When they oppress us. When those ideals make us feel bad about who we are and the things we cannot change. When they put ammunition in the hands of some so that they might cause pain in the lives of others.
As women (and men), we ultimately have a choice. We can decide which parts of a vision we would like to emulate. We decide for ourselves which pieces of a vision are fair and right for us. And, conversely, we decide which parts we find a little flawed or wrong for us.
What will I tell my daughter when she asks these questions?
Something along the lines of this:
Remember that just because everyone thinks something should be a certain way doesn’t mean that the way is right. Nor does it mean that the way is completely wrong.
You have to decide for yourself what beautiful means.
Listen to what your heart tells you is beautiful first. Consulting outside sources is problematic since no one will treat you with more compassion than your own heart.
We don’t have to accept every single part of society’s vision of what is beautiful. In fact, we don’t have to accept any of it. The important thing to remember is that what we do accept should be our conscious choice.
Other people will choose differently and that doesn’t make them wrong. In terms of what is beautiful, no choice is a moral statement. It’s simply a statement of preference.
We cannot let our preferences control us.
We should not let our preferences control others.
And, dear daughter, if you choose to be a I-won’t-leave-the-house-without-lipstick-on kind of woman like your mother, that’s perfectly fine. Just remember that looking better on the outside will not make you better on the inside.
If for some reason, you do forget to put lipstick on when you leave the house, don’t forget that the people that love you, that really, really love you, won’t even notice.
You can put all the decorations you want on yourself, but, in the end, you will always be you.
Make sure that when the decorations come off that you’re still beautiful in the ways that truly count.
And don’t you ever use the idea of “beautiful” to hurt someone else.
Because that is not beautiful, at all.
36 Responses to Mommy, Why Do You Wear Make Up?
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I used to spend a lot of time worrying about how I looked. I was upset that I can’t afford braces, that I was too fat or too tall, or too whatever.
Then I changed friends. I have friends that care more about their lives than their looks. It showed me that my friends are beautiful without having to put in a lot of effort into how they look.
It made me happy that I don’t have to stress so much before I leave that my hair is perfect and my eyes are lined and that I have the nicest outfit on.
It also gives me an extra 30 minutes to sleep in in the morning now that I only wear mascara. Heh.
My mother freaks out because I leave the house most days with absolutely no make-up on. I did the makeup thing in college. Now I enjoy the extra sleep. Yet she can’t understand that coloring my hair makes me happy. And that getting a haircut that can go through 20 mile winds and still look the same means a lot to me. Who has time to make sure that each strand is perfectly in place? Did that in the past as well.
I used to put on the full make-up to go out though. Until that day that I fully realized that what makes one attractive to others is being comfortable with who you are. And so now I rarely wear makeup. I was a tomboy growing up and many days wearing a skirt can be challenging enough. I love my job because they don’t expect me to look “girly.”
Of course, I suppose it doesn’t hurt to have the kind of face that many consider to be younger than its actual years. Or say that it’s beautiful without anything else on it. OK. So maybe not everyone says that but I’m not hearing what those people say these days.
Oh, and as far as the child-rearing thing goes, my mother never allowed people to compliment me on my looks. Yes, there were some issues from it later in life — like learning how to take a compliment graciously — but it taught me that what makes a person truly beautiful is more than their outward appearance. My mother told me that as a woman ages, people stop saying that she’s beautiful unless she has something other than her looks to offer to the world.
Ugh. My daughter will be 14 in a week. We are going through this stage right now. Thankfully, she has a good head on her shoulders and she sees people for who they are and not what they look like.
That being said, she would rather be late for school and get a late point than leave without having her eye makeup on:)
I recently learned how to straighten my hair. Everyone around me told me how much better I looked with straight hair. Even Pete looked at me with renewed desire. Even though it was a pain, and didn’t look like *me* I was doing it, because I felt that it would add to my overall acceptance in the world. Then I came out of my bedroon with my hair straight,and my 3 year old came up to me and said, “Mommy, your hair doesn’t look beautiful. I like the ring things in it.”
I put away my iron, and haven’t touched it since. I decided I didn’t want to teach conformity for conformity’s sake. I also don’t let him mis-match his socks (though my own socks NEVER match), because I don’t want to teach non-conformity for non-conformity’s sake. I want to teach him to make his own decisions on how he looks.
I’ve already gotten that question from my daughter, and told her, “I wear makeup because I am older and I need it for some things, but I never wear a lot because it’s not supposed to be a mask”. She’s heard ad nauseum my views on beautiful on the inside, so we’ve got that one covered. Once you have that important part covered, you don’t really need to defend wearing makeup. However, maybe plastic surgery, or whatever, would be harder to explain. Thankfully, I don’t worry too much about my looks, and go almost everywhere without any makeup on at all. I really practice what I preach.
But the night I did let her put some makeup on me was… interesting. I looked like a blind hooker! Haha
My daughter has asked me this (and I’m surprised yours hasn’t).
I tell her specifically that it is because *I* like it. I say *I* think that makeup is fun and pretty sometimes.
I try not to say “because it makes me pretty” – as if it’s a fact. I try to convey, subtly because she is THREE, that it’s a choice and an opinion and an option that *I* am in control of.
But your answer is good too.
There’s something wrong with making yourself look acceptable according to general consensus? Why?
We comply with most of society’s rules and standards with other elements of our life (the law, etiquette, education, etc.), why should this be different and wrong?
Did I mention that I don’t like uggos?
As Kailyn pointed out, you need to be comfortable with yourself. For some of us that means makeup. For some it means no makeup. I get that. I love makeup but hate bright lips (on me); it makes me uncomfortable.
Funny, but I don’t remember ever asking my mom why she wore makeup. Maybe because all the other women did and it didn’t occur to me to ask why. But I do remember that inner beauty was emphasized in my family. I don’t remember ever being told I was pretty by a relative… any of that came once in a while from outside.
Well said Faiqa! Thanks for answering my question, I’m totally going to steal your answer when and if my child ever asks me why I do what I do.
I believe that you SHOULD make a decision based on what you think is beautiful for YOU. I think that I look best with my facial piercings, tattoos, collection of leggings and funky socks and my grandma thinks it’s absolutely disgusting. This makes me sad, and is the reason why I’m not decked out in tattoos and piercings (well that and I’m knocked up, so that has to wait lmfao).
But I also think that there are many kinds of beautiful out there, and I admire and love everyone’s unique spin on things.
Thanks for linking to me!!
Being that I have no kids, I’ve always been able to answer this question in the “fun cousin” or “Mommy’s friend” sort of way.
I answered that even though I know that I am beautiful inside and out, putting on makeup is just another way to have fun with the way I look, just like I do with clothes and shoes. Luckily, I leave the house both ways so I was always able to explain by an example of:
“I love my eyes. They are brown and pretty but some days, I just want to experiment to see if I can make them more brown or make then match my dress a little better.”
Of course, as the Auntie, making it a game is easy. I don’t have to teach people about the ins and outs of self-esteem.
I think when you put too much emphases on anything it’s a bad thing. There’s nothing wrong with teaching your child to care for herself and dress nice and do her hair a certain way and then later teach her how to apply makeup that will enhance her already beautiful features and wax her eyebrows, etc.
What IS wrong is when you tell her she has to do it or she will look ugly if she doesn’t.
When my daughter was little I chose how to dress her, style her hair, apply her eye shadow. Now that she’s almost 18 she’s developed her own style and it’s not because of anything other than .. hey guess what? She developed her own style. Period.
I’m a fan of the lipstick and eye shadow. She hates it. Won’t wear it. I’m a fan of the bob hair cut. She’s a fan of the layers, high maintance hair. I’m a fan of the dress. She loves jeans. Did I teach her to be that way? Nope. I did, however teach her the basics and she took it from there.
My daughter is 14 and I remember over the summer she was so happy because she was now in high school, and her school will allow her to wear makeup now. I told her well… my rule is not makeup but she still wears it. But, sometimes she wears too much of it. I tell her don’t put so much on. You just need to add color to your face. I tell her in the future it will be more important to you not to have wrinkles. In my mind, maybe I’m wrong but putting on makeup just adds wrinkles to your face because you stretch the skin to apply it. I tell her look at the pictures of those actresses on People Magazine with no makeup, they have ruined their faces. I just suggest to her, make her aware but all in all, it’s her decision. Her friend is 15 years old, and puts on so much makeup, she looks like a raccoon, and I tell her, look at your friend, it’s too much. She looks old and she’s only 15. I have to remind my daughter, you are only 14 years old. So much to teach these young girls. My baby. I wear makeup to work but on the weekends, no makeup. I feel like my skin, my face has to take a break from those chemicals. I don’t dye my hair, I don’t use a straightener or blow dry it. I feel like all that heat ruins it. AND you know what? I get alot of compliments on my hair. But, I agree with most of you, our daughters, nieces, cousins, have to make their own decisions on whats comfortable for them. I tell my daughter you look beautiful with or without makeup, with or without straightening out your hair. Just beautiful. She also doesn’t notice or care if others wear makeup or not, she thinks everyone else is beautiful too. She’s awesome!
My daughter is 17, and when she wanted to start wearing makeup, I took her to the Almay cosmetic counter for tips on how to put on makeup and how to look natural. Baring that, when any of the kids ask why I wear makeup, I say because I like the way I look in it. They also know if I don’t have time, don’t feel well, or I’m in a “I don’t give a crap” mood, I won’t bother.
J.
Do you think this would work if my daughter asks me why I wear makeup?
I like Hoosier’s idea. I will take my daughter to a cosmetic counter so she can get tips from someone who knows more than me. I think SciFi can give his point of view on a man’s perspective.
@Sarah: I’m glad you figured all that out so early. You’ve saved yourself out of time.
@Kailyn: My mother is the same way as yours. As a matter of fact, I have *never* heard her say someone was beautiful or ugly.
@Becky: Some of us are still like that! I accumulate many late points on account of eye makeup.
@Allyson: I love that you think about these things with respect to your *son*. A lot of people mistakenly assume that boys don’t need educating about appearance and self esteem.
@Sybil Law: Hmm. Maybe Gilda should do your makeup for next Halloween? I’d love to see you dressed up as a blind hooker as would the rest of the Avitabilites.
@Miss Britt: My daughter just asks me if she can wear some, too. But has never asked me “why?”
@Avitable: Uggos. SIgh. I agree with you, though. I just don’t think we should blindly accept society’s parameters for what is beautiful (or, you know, for that matter, what is just, polite, funny, cruel, etc.). Question everything (except for the Holy Avitable and than only when concerning matters of grammar and dining etiquette).
@Finn: Like I said to Kailyn, my mom never told me directly that she thought I was beautiful I’m …conflicted about that.
@Sarcastica: You wrote a great post… it got me thinking. SO, thank *you*.
@Hilly: Actually, I think the way you explain it is a simpler, more succinct and, therefore, far more effective version of what I tried to write in my post.
@twinkie: I think not only did you teach her the basics, but you taught her to be confident about her taste and choices. It sounds that way, anyway.
@ADRealty: It’s important, in my opinion, for daughters to hear their mothers tell them that they are beautiful.
@HoosierGirl: I like that you went with her to the makeup counter. I think, if my daughter won’t mind, I’d probably do that, too.
@SciFi Dad: LMAO. Yes. Yes, I think it would.
I got some confused expressions and uncomfortable questions, too, when my toddler saw me applying makeup. But not nearly as many such questions and expressions as the neighbors gave when we approached each one’s door to say, “trick or treat.”
Wonderful answer, hon. I so rarely wear make-up that my daughter’s question will be “Mama, why do you wear Chapstick?”
Oh, I just can’t imagine having to raise a daughter and deal with this issue. They worry about it earlier and earlier. I teach second graders and they worry about it all the time. It just tears my heart out. You want to tell them, “You have your whole life to worry about it. Don’t worry now, just play and have fun.”
As long as one does those things because they want to and it makes them feel good about themselves, that’s all that matters. It becomes problematic if it’s done for someone else. That’s my two-cents anyways.
it took me a long time to realize I could decide what worked for me and that i had to be true to me not fads.
and @ Adam–”"”There’s something wrong with making yourself look acceptable according to general consensus? Why? “”" LMAO–this is from the guy that does not own long pants????
@muskrat: Heh. We have on of you in our neighborhood, too. *My* favorite kind of parent.
@Coal Miner’s Granddaughter: My mom was that way, too. So, I didn’t even *think* about make up until I was 14 or so.
@Kimberly: *Sigh* about the second graders. I blame Miley Cyrus. And her achy breaky dad. LOL
@Turnbaby:Hahaha. I didn’t even think about the irony of Adam’s statement until you reminded me. Sometimes, I forget that I can’t take the man seriously no matter how much sense he *appears* to be making.
Oh, Faiqa, this was a beautiful post. This is exactly the thing I would say to my prospective daughter if she ever asked me why I dye my hair or pluck my eyebrows.
(as always) beautifully put.
once a friend asked me what my definition of “fat” is, and i said, when you look in a mirror, do you really want to change yourself? do you feel good about yourself, not from other peoples point of view, but from your own? if you can honestly answer “yes” to that question, then you are not fat in my book, no matter WHAT you weigh….
I pretty much never ever wear makeup – if I do, I slap on a little concealer to even out my skin tone.
If I’m going out though, to a bar or a group activity where I don’t know most of the people (like the Halloween party) I wear it because it makes me feel more self confident.
I used to straighten my hair every single day – now ha! Never. The only thing I am “fanatical” about is my hair color being maintained.
i asked my mom why she wore makeup, but that was because it was the 70′s and she wore terrible blue, purple or green eyeshadow. as i child i clearly remember thinking her pretty blue eyes looked terrible under all the shadow. and honestly, i think it scarred me because these days i only wear makeup if i am on vacation with the girls and it would be fun to fuss with my face. part of that is because i don’t know how to put it on correctly and another part of it is because i don’t mind my face without it. (i can’t live without chapstick, but that is a “don’t want my lips to crack and fall off thing.)
faiqa, this makes me so happy:
“If for some reason, you do forget to put lipstick on when you leave the house, don’t forget that the people that love you, that really, really love you, won’t even notice.
You can put all the decorations you want on yourself, but, in the end, you will always be you.
Make sure that when the decorations come off that you’re still beautiful in the ways that truly count.”
Yeah, why so mad, Chris? This is about the right tone for Thom to take with those two children.
Nice informative post as usual. I’ve just had a baby and haven’t worried about my appearance for almost a year now so it’s refreshing to read a post like this, thank you.
[...] I know that nobody is perfect, and that everybody has at least one thing about themselves that they don’t like. But I wonder, do you think that will ever change? No matter how often we tell our children that they are perfect and beautiful the way they are and that everyone is different, most of them still end up with warped body images. A while ago, I wrote a post about the pressures of being female. We spend so much time telling our children “you’re beautiful the way you are” and then we go out and do things like getting our eyebrows waxed or wearing makeup or dying the grays out of our hair. We do these things to feel better about ourselves, but it still sends a confusing message. One the one hand, we’re preaching to our kids to be happy with their body image, on the other hand we’re doing things -however slight, to alter ours because we aren’t entirely happy with it. Faiqa was able to answer my question “what would you tell your daughter (or son for that matter) if they asked you why you were always worried about your weight, or waxing your eyebrows?” in her beautifully written post about wearing makeup. [...]
I’m deeply touched by your post. I hope every mom is like you.
I totally agree with you when you said “Consulting outside sources is problematic since no one will treat you with more compassion than your own heart.”
Keep the inspirations coming!
I’m inspired. Thanks for sharing this. More power to you!
-Michelle B.
so touching! thanks a lot!
That’s inspiring! Thank you.
I’m moved! Good job!
your daughter is so lucky for having you as her mom!:)
This is funny because my daughter asked this to my wife. I had did a search and this came up. Just wanted to let you know that your daughter isn’t the only one!