A few days ago, Sarcastica wrote a great post about getting her eyebrows waxed.  Of course, when this young woman writes about anything, there’s usually something deep and meaningful at the heart of her post.  She wrote,

It’s complicated because when we do these things like colour our hair or wax our eyebrows, it makes us feel better. Yet we really shouldn’t feed into this whole outlook of what a woman should look like. I would never get plastic surgery or anything like that, but I would diet…in a way, I often wonder how that’s any different from plastic surgery. It’s still trying to change your body shape and fit into the media’s definition of “beautiful”.

What would you tell your daughter (or son for that matter) if they asked you why you were always worried about your weight, or waxing your eyebrows?

What will I tell my daughter when she asks me that question?

I want to convey to her that appearances are secondary.  I want her to learn that who we are far outweighs what we look like in the cosmic scale of things.

But I won’t stop going to the beauty salon to prove that point.

Now, I’ve thought about it.  We buy into society’s vision of different things all of the time. And society’s ideals are not always bad.

When do a society’s visions or ideals of a thing not make us better?

When they oppress us.  When those ideals make us feel bad about who we are and the things we cannot change.  When they put ammunition in the hands of some so that they might cause pain in the lives of others.

As women (and men), we ultimately have a choice.  We can decide which parts of a vision we would like to emulate.  We decide for ourselves which pieces of a vision are fair and right for us.  And, conversely, we decide which parts we find a little flawed or wrong for us.

What will I tell my daughter when she asks these questions?

Something along the lines of this:

Remember that just because everyone thinks something should be a certain way doesn’t mean that the way is right.  Nor does it mean that the way is completely wrong. 

You have to decide for yourself what beautiful means.

Listen to what your heart tells you is beautiful first.  Consulting outside sources is problematic since no one will treat you with more compassion than your own heart.

We don’t have to accept every single part of society’s vision of what is beautiful.  In fact, we don’t have to accept any of it.  The important thing to remember is that what we do accept should be our conscious choice.

Other people will choose differently and that doesn’t make them wrong.  In terms of what is beautiful, no choice is a moral statement.  It’s simply a statement of preference.

We cannot let our preferences control us.

We should not let our preferences control others.

And, dear daughter, if you choose to be a I-won’t-leave-the-house-without-lipstick-on kind of woman like your mother, that’s perfectly fine.  Just remember that looking better on the outside will not make you better on the inside.

If for some reason, you do forget to put lipstick on when you leave the house, don’t forget that the people that love you, that really, really love you, won’t even notice.

You can put all the decorations you want on yourself, but, in the end, you will always be you. 

Make sure that when the decorations come off that you’re still beautiful in the ways that truly count.

And don’t you ever use the idea of “beautiful” to hurt someone else.

Because that is not beautiful, at all.