Adam Avitable is 32 years old today.
Not everyone has the ability to recognize genius when they see it.
Pure, unadulterated, deeply disturbing, stomach churning, “Wait, is that HITLER?!” genius.
I, of course, do recognize genius. Since it’s true that it takes one to know one.
Adam is a gifted writer whose most profound service to mankind lies in helping his readers understand that when it comes to funny… socially acceptable boundaries are for losers.
He is, in many ways, my daily reminder never to take anything too seriously. And that some people will do anything for a laugh.
Some people might find him offensive.
But before you go judging people, you have to ask yourself, “Do I have my very own church?”
It’s called the Church of Holy Avitableness (COHA).
Having your own church is very cool. But, I have to admit, COHA has its problems. It’s, with all due respect, a little amateur.
One thing I know as an adherent of a widely followed world religion is that every successful religious institution needs dogma.
COHA is just waaay too laid back.
You must have something that separates out the ones that aren’t really committed. The ones that, you know, are too smart lazy to be saved.
What COHA needs is a crazy fundamentalist fringe group that will transform it into a force with which to be reckoned. I propose for obvious reasons that I’m just the person to initiate this.
For those of you who are on the fence about this fundamentalist transformation, I’d like to remind you that fundamentalists enjoy all sorts of benefits: imaginary sway over elections and party politics, an ability to influence rash foreign policy decisions and, of course, an unwavering conviction that they’re always right about everything all of the time.
I ask you, really, who among you does not crave complete certainty about every single thing that has ever happened since the beginning of time even in the face of all forms of logic and reason?
Think of all the time and energy you’ll save by not… thinking.
Incidentally, like every fundamentalist leader on this planet, I really don’t care what Avitable, the founder of this religion, intended at its inception. This is all about furthering my personal agenda. Which, of course, duh, is world domination. Along with being considered moderately witty in this birthday tribute.
Anyway, COHA fundamentalists are in dire need of something to mumble before they strap on a suicide bomb. Therefore, it is with extreme hubris, a deep sense of arrogance and complete moral certainty that I submit the following and first of the basic dogma of COHA:
“The Avitabilites Prayer”
Oh Avitable, five years from thirty seven,
Adam be thy name.
Thy birthday has come,
May thy thrills be done, on the Internet as it is in the blogosphere.
Give us blog posts as our daily bread,
Condemn our reviled spawn’s trespasses
As we condemn grown men who listen to Avril Lavigne
Continue to bless us with your blatantly ethnocentric assumptions about marriage
As you deliver us numerous doses of evil images that most likely exaggerate your manhood,
Forever ours is the dancing Avitable, full of unicorn love and glory.
For ever and ever.
A Hen.
(Or Chicken.)
Happy birthday, Adam. You’re funny, irreverent, kind, thoughtful, mostly sensitive and very special. And not in the short bus kind of way.
If you haven’t already, and if you dare, please be sure to stop by Adam’s place and wish him a happy birthday today.
One more thing: all of you need to send me three million dollars or there’s going to be an apocalypse next week. Collectively, of course. Not each.
Just a heads up.
13 Comments »
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Avitable Said,
January 26, 2009 @ 12:27 am
Best. Acolyte. Ever.
I’m totally sporting a semi right now. Just because of you. Love!
[Reply]
SciFi Dad Said,
January 26, 2009 @ 6:43 am
I want to be a COHA fundamentalist. I was Roman Catholic for 18 years. Does that give me enough street cred?
[Reply]
kapgar Said,
January 26, 2009 @ 8:17 am
Oh great. Not only do you hype his church but you call him “the reason for the season”? As if Adam doesn’t think of himself in Christ-like terms enough as it is.
[Reply]
Miss Britt Said,
January 26, 2009 @ 8:42 am
Oh God this is awesome.
I wanna be a fundie!!!!
[Reply]
hello haha narf Said,
January 26, 2009 @ 9:22 am
will you swear me in at dinner tonight?
[Reply]
Finn Said,
January 26, 2009 @ 10:36 am
OK… I was thisclose to pitching a hissy fit because this is like the 4,000 Avitable post I’ve read today and NOBODY even wished ME a happy birthday in passing on their blogs last year… but this was so perfect I’ve nearly forgotten all about that.
I will do whatever I have to to spread the word of COHA. Because COHA is the way.
[Reply]
Sybil Law Said,
January 26, 2009 @ 12:02 pm
Best. Tribute. Ever.
Adam’s initials are AHA. I think it’s like his parents KNEW what they were springing on the world.
Also, I am already a member of COHA, but I’d like to join with you in your extremest efforts, if it pleases you.
[Reply]
Faiqa Said,
January 26, 2009 @ 5:10 pm
@Avitable: “sporting a semi.” You’re incorrigible. Since it’s your birthday, I’ll let that go.
@SciFi Dad: Definitely.
@kapgar: I know, but it’s his birthday. I’ll be sure to call in on the show on Wednesday and humiliate him just to even things out.
@Miss Britt: You’re already the mother goddess figure in this cult. Her Holy Brittacularness. Patron Saint of Handbags and Beautiful Shoes.
@hello haha narf: Yes. And swearing you in actually consists of swearing *at* you. So that should be fun.
@Finn: Awww. When is your birthday? I’ll wish you a happy birthday. To everyone’s credit, Adam runs around commenting on everyone’s blog, so people feel like they *have* to wish him a happy birthday so nothing bad will happen to them. He’s like the mafia.
@Sybil Law: Of course you’re joining. You’re so cute, acting like you even had a *choice* in the matter.
[Reply]
Kimberly Said,
January 26, 2009 @ 5:56 pm
Ahen!
That’s a church I might be able to join! Will there be wine there? I only did church the last time around because there was wine.
[Reply]
Slyde Said,
January 26, 2009 @ 8:16 pm
i agree.. he rocks… whenever i go there i have a good laugh
[Reply]
whall Said,
January 26, 2009 @ 11:18 pm
This post has been scanned and tagged by the FBI auto-scan-and-tag program.
[Reply]
Faiqa Said,
January 26, 2009 @ 11:43 pm
@Kimberly: Adam doesn’t drink, but since I’m hijacking his religion, I think we can make some exceptions!
@Slyde: Rocks? Let’s not get carried away, now…
@whall: hahahahahaha!
[Reply]
Coal Miner's Granddaughter Said,
January 27, 2009 @ 11:08 pm
Dude. The apocalypse is NEXT week? I thought it was to be December 21, 2012? Shit. No one ever tells me this stuff.
Oh, and Happy Birthday, Adam Heath.
[Reply]