Most of you don’t know that not only am I of Pakistani origin, but I’m also Punjabi.
Punjabis are a distinct breed on the subcontinent. I like to think of us as the “rednecks” of the Indo-Pak region. Down to earth, loud, vibrant… and, not really known for being extremely genteel.
That’s why Gatsby, who wrote the following post for me and happens to be my first cousin (who I am not married to, ha ha), is a bit of an oddity in the family.
He’s the guy that worries about where the salad fork goes at our family dinners while the rest of us are just eating with our hands and wiping our mouths on our sleeves. But, you know, I feel like what’s not to love about a straight guy who actually knows where the salad fork goes? So, without further ado, I present, Mr. Manners, a.k.a. Gatsby who in my book is more than just great.
To be perfectly honest, inherent love for my own gene pool aside, the primary reason I love this man so much is that he finds new and exciting ways to prove to me that I am, by far, not the most pretentious human being I know.
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While we were in the middle of our salads at dinner the other day, a woman from our assembled party excused herself from the table.
In response to this action I placed my hands on the arms of the chair and lifted myself slightly to indicate the standing position for when a lady excuses herself. For this action, I got a playful curtsey from my departing friend and a light backhand to my chest from another sitting next to me.
The whole exchange of actions was kind of funny, but it made me reflect on how my reaction to her excusing herself was taken. To my friend leaving the table, I’m sure it was taken as a playful joke. To my fellow males at the table, it was taken as an archaic custom that needed a light reality check.
To me, it was just the nice thing to do.
Despite the common saying, chivalry is not dead. I can’t purpose the contrary and say that it’s alive and well either, though. At best, it’s on a respirator in New York Medical wondering why the cab turning the corner didn’t put on the brakes a little earlier. In this picture, chivalry seems like a naïve figure struggling to find its role in a world that is ever-changing and always cutting out the inefficient parts of society.
Often shown as a man being the hero to some maiden, the act of being chivalrous has an inherit sexism to it. A woman can open a door on her own (and vote) without the assistance of a man. She also doesn’t really need a trumpeting action indicating permission to be excused.
Nowadays, she can usually beat her own dragon.
But to the notion of sexism, I offer this approach: “don’t do it for tail.”
It’s pretty straightforward, really; just perform your actions with an emphasis on manners rather than on gender roles and heroism. I acknowledge that manners have their own social implications and can lead to the support of habits both archaic and outdated, however what’s the harm if your intent is really just to make life easier for someone?
Handing your coat over on a cold night or leading a woman through a packed room are just ways to make the other persons life a little less stressful. And on that note, when you’re not in a crowded room – it’s best to let the woman do the leading.
Now here’s the twist. Why let it be a one way street or confined to just the opposite sex? If a woman gets to the door first, I’d say it’s chivalrous for her to keep the door open for a male friend so he can get his slow self in from the cold. If you’ve got a sweater and coat combo going and your buddy was dumb enough to wear a single layer, fork over your coat. If he denies it on the account of being too manly, respect his choice but remind him that a coat now will prevent medicine costs in the very near future.
Overdoing it is what makes you look foolish. Forcing a coat on someone, or jumping for the door are good examples of chivalry on crack. Every action and motion should come naturally, and shouldn’t be the equivalent of a circus show or pulling teeth.
When playing this whole chivalry card it’s important to realize what your actions mean.
There will always be people who think it’s sexist. There will always be friends who think you’re doing it for brownie points. But if you want to do it, do it right, be consistent and make it a part of your basic manners.
And, keep in mind, it’s also important to not dwell on the thing too much.
Posted by Faiqa on November 29, 2008 1:00 am • My Family's Native Tongue is "Insanity." • 14 comments
14 Comments »
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hello haha narf Said,
November 29, 2008 @ 7:21 am
i am a woman who has always felt that whoever gets to the door first should hold it open for the others. there is something so wonderful about when a man holds the door for me, especially if i got there first and was going to hold it for him, but then he takes if from me. swoon.
and i have no problem giving up my jacket or gloves to anyone who is cold and has forgotten theirs because i tend to run hot. although, seriously, check out the weather before you leave the house and dress appropriately! for the first time in my adult life last month i actually found myself chilly and without a jacket. every time i look at the man who gave me his jacket i consider him a gentleman. and that, my friends, is a good thing.
but i will freely admit that i feel a little silly when a man stands as i leave or return to the table. especially if it happens at a table full of people. i totally would have done the fake curtsy thing.
[Reply]
Avitable Said,
November 29, 2008 @ 9:59 am
I agree completely, and I’m also someone who knows where the salad fork goes and thinks that etiquette exists for a reason. Faiqa, you savage you.
[Reply]
Faiqa Said,
November 29, 2008 @ 2:05 pm
Of course, I know where the salad fork goes, Adam. It’s called dramatic irony. Besides, hazing the younger members of my family *always* trumps an honest depiction of myself.
[Reply]
Robin Said,
November 29, 2008 @ 3:24 pm
When I was at the mall earlier (yeah, I know….), this man was holding the door for everyone – it was like 20 people deep – and no one except me and some other dude said thank you. When we said it, his face lit up…that’s sad. His face shouldn’t have lit up because someone told him thank you, you know? Everyone should just be nice and have manners.
Then again, I always ask for too much in life…like whether I should stay at the mall once I get my hair blown out….
[Reply]
Komal Said,
November 29, 2008 @ 6:05 pm
….says the guy who still does sneak attack farts in my face. I hate you.
[Reply]
Faiqa Said,
November 29, 2008 @ 6:52 pm
Ooops… *my* last comment came up as from “Traci.” And though, I’m sure Traci would have also said, “HAHAHAHAHA! Komal, so, so funny.” I’ll let her do that for herself.
[Reply]
Hilly Said,
November 29, 2008 @ 9:34 pm
There is nothing more attractive in a person than polite and chivalrous behavior. I love it when a man holds a door open or hands over his jacket to someone who is cold. It shows me a strength of character that makes me want to be this person’s friend immediately. Also, I was always taught to respect my elders, meaning that *I* open doors for someone older than I am, give up my seat for such a person as well as all of the polite standards of society…often when their attitude leaves them less than deserving. It’s not about them; it’s about who I am as a person.
Great guest post!
[Reply]
Kailyn Said,
November 29, 2008 @ 11:06 pm
I was raised by Southerners. Chivalry has not died in the South. Nor have good manners.
When I first moved to Virginia for grad school, I was shocked when a man held a door open for me. This was usually when we were both running late for class with the professor who was known for locking the door. If I heard footsteps behind me and saw one of my male classmates, I would hold the door for him. In my family the concept of “chivalry,” is just a small part of manners and common courtesy.
[Reply]
Elizabeth Kaylene Said,
November 30, 2008 @ 6:24 pm
Thank you. I love when my boyfriend holds the door for me, and I usually hold the door for anyone.
I just want to add that if someone holds the door for you, say thank you. I think it’s really rude to not even acknowledge the person holding the door for you, especially if that person is a tiny little woman holding a ten ton door. Okay, I’m ranting and exaggerating, but you get the picture. Right?
[Reply]
Slyde Said,
November 30, 2008 @ 7:05 pm
The man makes some damn fine points….
For the most part, i agree on all counts…
[Reply]
Mik Said,
November 30, 2008 @ 7:42 pm
Whenever I get to a door I’ll hold it open for anyone and when going through a door I will check behind me and hold it for whomever is coming through.
I hate walking behind someone who walks through a door and lets it slam behind them without a thought for anyone following them.
[Reply]
tariq Said,
December 1, 2008 @ 1:54 pm
Komal, that comment was priceless. I can’t take Shamayal and his chivalrous self seriously anymore…
[Reply]
Miss Britt Said,
December 2, 2008 @ 1:48 pm
It has never occurred to me that someone getting up as I leave was a sign of giving me permission.
[Reply]
Karl Said,
December 2, 2008 @ 4:25 pm
Well said, sir. I get tired of hearing how I’m being sexist when I open a lady’s car door for her or lay down my coat in the mud puddle so she can safely cross.
OK, maybe not that last one. But I do have manners.
[Reply]