Most of you don’t know that not only am I of Pakistani origin, but I’m also Punjabi.

Punjabis are a distinct breed on the subcontinent.  I like to think of us as the “rednecks” of the Indo-Pak region.  Down to earth, loud, vibrant… and, not really known for being extremely genteel.

That’s why Gatsby, who wrote the following post for me and happens to be my first cousin (who I am not married to, ha ha), is a bit of an oddity in the family.

He’s the guy that worries about where the salad fork goes at our family dinners while the rest of us are just eating with our hands and wiping our mouths on our sleeves.  But, you know, I feel like what’s not to love about a straight guy who actually knows where the salad fork goes?  So, without further ado, I present, Mr. Manners, a.k.a. Gatsby who in my book is more than just great.

To be perfectly honest, inherent love for my own gene pool aside, the primary reason I love this man so much is that he finds new and exciting ways to prove to me that I am, by far, not the most pretentious human being I know.

******************************************************************

While we were in the middle of our salads at dinner the other day, a woman from our assembled party excused herself from the table.

In response to this action I placed my hands on the arms of the chair and lifted myself slightly to indicate the standing position for when a lady excuses herself. For this action, I got a playful curtsey from my departing friend and a light backhand to my chest from another sitting next to me.

The whole exchange of actions was kind of funny, but it made me reflect on how my reaction to her excusing herself was taken. To my friend leaving the table, I’m sure it was taken as a playful joke.  To my fellow males at the table, it was taken as an archaic custom that needed a light reality check.

To me, it was just the nice thing to do.

Despite the common saying, chivalry is not dead. I can’t purpose the contrary and say that it’s alive and well either, though. At best, it’s on a respirator in New York Medical wondering why the cab turning the corner didn’t put on the brakes a little earlier.  In this picture, chivalry seems like a naïve figure struggling to find its role in a world that is ever-changing and always cutting out the inefficient parts of society.

Often shown as a man being the hero to some maiden, the act of being chivalrous has an inherit sexism to it. A woman can open a door on her own (and vote) without the assistance of a man. She also doesn’t really need a trumpeting action indicating permission to be excused.

Nowadays, she can usually beat her own dragon.

But to the notion of sexism, I offer this approach: “don’t do it for tail.”

It’s pretty straightforward, really; just perform your actions with an emphasis on manners rather than on gender roles and heroism. I  acknowledge that manners have their own social implications and can lead to the support of habits both archaic and outdated, however what’s the harm if your intent is really just to make life easier for someone?

Handing your coat over on a cold night or leading a woman through a packed room are just ways to make the other persons life a little less stressful. And on that note, when you’re not in a crowded room – it’s best to let the woman do the leading.

Now here’s the twist. Why let it be a one way street or confined to just the opposite sex? If a woman gets to the door first, I’d say it’s chivalrous for her to keep the door open for a male friend so he can get his slow self in from the cold.  If you’ve got a sweater and coat combo going and your buddy was dumb enough to wear a single layer, fork over your coat. If he denies it on the account of being too manly, respect his choice but remind him that a coat now will prevent medicine costs in the very near future.

Overdoing it is what makes you look foolish. Forcing a coat on someone, or jumping for the door are good examples of chivalry on crack. Every action and motion should come naturally, and shouldn’t be the equivalent of a circus show or pulling teeth.

When playing this whole chivalry card it’s important to realize what your actions mean.

There will always be people who think it’s sexist. There will always be friends who think you’re doing it for brownie points. But if you want to do it, do it right, be consistent and make it a part of your basic manners.

And, keep in mind, it’s also important to not dwell on the thing too much.