I read recently that Hillary Clinton might be named Secretary of State in President-elect Obama’s new administration.
I got to thinking. What, exactly, does a secretary of state do, besides force democratic elections which basically ensure the leadership of radical Islamists in an already unstable region of the world?
I love Hillary so much, and no offense to her, but I think Barack Obama should name me Secretary of State.
Oh, just hear me out. I read over the job requirements on the U.S. Government home page.
I can totally do this.
As a matter of fact, I feel that I would particularly outshine other potential choices for the job in the following duties:
- Negotiates, interprets, and terminates treaties and agreements.
This one time, a guy came over because our AC unit was leaking in the garage. He said it would cost $600 to fix.
I interpreted this to mean that the job would take several hours and asked him to come back the next day because I had stuff to do. He came back the next day and replaced two inches of PVC pipe in about thirty minutes.
I was all, “Are you kidding me? This wasn’t the agreement. I’m totally terminating this!” He wasn’t amenable, so I called the home office for two weeks straight. Finally, I negotiated a price of $100.00.
(OK, really, I got so fed up that I made Tariq call them. But, still, I delegated… that’s very leader-like, you have to admit).
- Supervises the administration of U.S. immigration laws abroad
I’ve so got this. I’ll have only one rule: if a person calls us “The Great Satan,” they can’t come in.
Those passing this test may relocate to Alaska, which happens to have the lowest square mileage per capita in the United States. Alaska also boasts an executive administration that is very well versed in foreign affairs, so it should be a smooth transition for our newly immigrated population.
- Provides information to American citizens regarding the political, economic, social, cultural, and humanitarian conditions in foreign countries.
Remember that post I wrote for Avitable about Pakistan? It was very politically, economically, socially, culturally and humanitarianily informative. And even a little funny.
- Informs the Congress and American citizens on the conduct of U.S. foreign relations.
I can do that right now, in two simple words: totally whack.
So. What do you think? Do you think I’ll get the job?
I mean, I would only be available on weekends and evenings since I’ve scarred my child by taking her to places where children shouldn’t go and now she won’t go to daycare.
But, still. I’m, at the very least, a viable choice, right?
Posted by Faiqa on November 20, 2008 12:05 am • I've Heard Nuclear Holocausts Can Be Pretty Unpleasant • 19 comments
19 Comments »
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Avitable Said,
November 20, 2008 @ 12:35 am
I’d totally hire you. And I’m not just saying that because I insulted your parenting skills on last night’s show.
[Reply]
Sarah Said,
November 20, 2008 @ 12:57 am
Where do I sign to give you the job? Is there like a vote or something?
Because you would rock at that job, and plus I could be all “I know her! No seriously I do.” And all the other college kids would like I have power, which would come in handy I’m sure.
[Reply]
whall Said,
November 20, 2008 @ 2:28 am
If thinking you’re totally Faiqa’n viable is wrong, then I don’t wanna be right.
[Reply]
Sybil Law Said,
November 20, 2008 @ 9:47 am
You’ve got my vote!
And then will you hire me to do something? Like, I don’t know, make fun of people?!
[Reply]
Finn Said,
November 20, 2008 @ 10:28 am
I’ll call Barack right now… we’re like this.
[Reply]
Finn Said,
November 20, 2008 @ 10:29 am
OK. There was supposed to be like five lines between “like” and “this.” Now that comment isn’t even funny.
[Reply]
Faiqa Said,
November 20, 2008 @ 11:35 am
@Avitable: Whatever.
I think I’d be more worried if you *approved* of my parenting.
@Sarah: I would use my newfounf power to make sure you got straight A’s without having to do anything. Then, I would hire you for a really important job in the White House. And, now that I think about it, I wouldn’t be the first person to have done that.
@whall: Now, *that’s* what I call reaching over party lines.
@Sybil: I would hire you. When peace talks failed, I would ask you to come in the office and start hurling culturally insensitive and racists epitaphs at the other side. You can ask Avitable to give you pointers.
@Finn: I got it. It *was* funny.
[Reply]
Faiqa Said,
November 20, 2008 @ 11:36 am
@Sarah: uh. newfounf? I meant “newfounD.”
[Reply]
RW Said,
November 20, 2008 @ 1:07 pm
Education secretary seems to be a natural. We’d have an entire generation of scarred children twitching their way through life.
[Reply]
Miss Britt Said,
November 20, 2008 @ 1:07 pm
Can we vote on this? Because I’d vote for you.
Hell, I’m looking for a reason to hire you for something – ANYTHING – based on this line alone:
if a person calls us “The Great Satan,” they can’t come in.
[Reply]
Slyde Said,
November 20, 2008 @ 1:13 pm
lets put it up to a national vote.
I’D vote for you in a hearbeat (of course, im not a big lover of my senator so you have the edge already)..
[Reply]
Sheila (Charm School Reject) Said,
November 20, 2008 @ 3:55 pm
It seems to me that you have all the required skills and experience necessary to qualify for such a great position. Not that experience really counts for anything but still. I’d vote for you.
[Reply]
Ginger Said,
November 20, 2008 @ 4:17 pm
LOL! I think it would ROCK to have a Secretary of State who uses the phrase “totally whack”…
You’re in!
[Reply]
Faiqa Said,
November 20, 2008 @ 4:37 pm
@RW: As if we don’t already. But I’m up for the task of inflicting further scarring.
@Miss Britt: Heh. Even though it’s an appointed position, I’m quite sure an endorsement from Miss Britt will carry a significant amount of weight.
@Slyde: You really think I’d have a shot at beating Hill? Should have run for President. Although I really *am* Muslim, so…
@Sheila: Cool. I’m Faiqa K. and I approved this message.
@Ginger: Ha! I’ve got a million of those. “Relaaaax.” “Saweeeet!” “Back off, suckas!” It’d be a whole new paradigm in international diplomacy.
[Reply]
Dave2 Said,
November 20, 2008 @ 8:19 pm
Has Obama called with an offer yet?
[Reply]
Faiqa Said,
November 20, 2008 @ 10:50 pm
@Dave2 Well… I *have* been out of the house all day, because I was visiting my parents, and then I got my hair done, and I know some people are weird about leaving messages, but… no. He hasn’t. Damn that Hillary. She’s always getting the coolest gigs.
[Reply]
Tami Said,
November 21, 2008 @ 4:32 pm
I’m totally on the Faiqa bandwagon!
[Reply]
Faiqa Said,
November 22, 2008 @ 12:13 am
@Tami I *knew* I could count on you.
[Reply]
Karl Said,
November 23, 2008 @ 9:32 pm
You’ve got my vote. And I’m sure you’ve heard that I have quite a lot of pull in the new administration. After all, I’m a conservative that voted Democrat. I ought to be hired into the cabinet automatically for shit like that.
[Reply]