Fail to Plan, Plan to Fail
I’m completely unfocused, terribly distracted and the complete opposite of a one track mind. This is why I will always live and die by “the planner.” It’s as simple as this: if I do not write it down, it will not happen.
I plan so that I can control the way my day plays out. First, I make a list of things I have to do. Then, I fill in the time slots on my iCal. I print out a hard copy if I’ll be home most of the day, or carry around my iPhone if I’ll be out. Minute by minute, task by task my day unfolds. As each scheduled item is accomplished, I either cross it out in pen with a flourish of satisfaction or scroll down to see what’s next.
Only the day never quite unfolds exactly how I want. So, I’m sure to reschedule items as the need comes up.
Did I mention that I’m a stay at home wife and mother? That I’m not the CEO of a Fortune 500 company? My planned out day consists of when I’ll wash the dishes, do the laundry, clean out a closet, pay some bills, play with my daughter, and all of the other stuff that stay at home moms do.
I get made fun of quite a bit for keeping such meticulous records of my day. But, people, you don’t understand, I have to do this. If I don’t, I’ll wander through the day with only half of what I was supposed to do actually getting accomplished. I’ll sink into bed at night thinking that this day meant nothing, and that I did nothing all day long. I’ll snap at my husband when he, with every good intention in his heart, asks, “So, what did you do today?”
Because when it’s all said and done, I don’t get to deposit a paycheck in the bank that tells me that I performed satisfactorily. I need the people around me to know that I did something today. I need myself to believe that I did something today.
Most days, I check off every single thing I have planned. I should feel like a million bucks, right? I mean, I did do everything I set out to do.
But the truth is, I don’t feel like a million bucks. At all.
It dawns on me that the planner is never going to resolve that aching feeling that I’m not accomplishing everything I set out to do. Not today, and not in my life. I look at my planner and I wonder how anything I’ve written has anything to do with who I want to be. Of course, any and all time spent with my child and husband is excluded from that last sentiment.
But the dishes, the laundry, the dinner, the bills, the mopping… this is not who I am.
It is not who I want to be. For all the control the planner affords, it’s not helping me control this feeling, at all.
29 Responses to Fail to Plan, Plan to Fail
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I was going to leave a comment with some witty little advice to give. Then I realized that I’m 21 years old and have no advice to give because I only have 3 clues about life and none of them apply. But I’m sure someone else will say something more profound than I could have.
You and I need to spend a day living without your planner.
Honestly.
@Sarah I’m curious. What are the 3 clues?! And don’t worry about offering advice, I wasn’t really looking for any.
@Britt: Definitely. We kind of did, though, when we crashed the media tent. Failed and successful trips to buy coffee, standing on chairs to see our heroes, freezing to the point of frostbite… none of that was written in “the planner.” And that’s why it was so awesome.
Oh, just for clarity, everyone, “all of the other stuff that stay at home moms do…” I just wanted to say that I know that working mothers have to do all those things, too.
We really should talk about this over coffee. Because I find that stuff “happening to me” far more often now than it did 2 years ago. And it’s not an accident.
It sounds like you need to work. I can’t see you being happy with 100% domestic life – it just doesn’t feel like you.
One thing for sure is that being a pole dancer is out of the question. We can start to narrow this down…
Yeah, somehow the clean house just doesn’t give some of us the sweet satisfaction that it does for others. You work hard, accomplish a lot and yet it looks like nothing was done.
You need to find something to fill that void; you have this wonderful voice and sharp perspective on the world. You could do so much with that and still have plenty of time with your family.
And if you figure out how to do that let me know.
I know your feeling, completely. Unless I’ve painted a room a completely different color and rearranged all the furniture (and I’ve actually done that before!), it’s hard to see how much you’ve accomplished at the end of the day. It can be incredibly infuriating! (It’s also why I am on the job hunt…) But all the things you do are important, and I know your daughter loves having you there.
Now I am off the bleach my bathroom – woohoo! Haha
@Miss Britt: Sure, I’m open to any excuse to have coffee with you and to get me some “alone time” with Miss Britt.
@Avitable: Mmmhmmm. That’s kind of where I was going with that.
@RW: Heh. I have a feeling this is part of your World Kindness Day outreach program. I appreciate you helping me narrow down the possibilities.
@Finn:Thank you so much and, yeah, exactly. I think I’m afraid of becoming my mom if I start working. I am so obsessed with that woman it’s not even funny. I spend half of my time trying to be like her and the other half trying NOT to be like her.
@Sybil: You’re right. I’m going to schedule painting my living room. That should clear all this angsty nonsense right up. Ha.
I used to live, breathe and die by my planner – down to the most very minute detail.
Since I “fell off the wagon” with my planner, I feel like everyday is nothing but chaos.
I am a working mom who gauges her work day but how much I long to be a stay at home mom at the end of the day.
In the end though, I know that I am SO not cut out for being at home full time. I applaud each and every woman (and man) who is able to lead a happy and fulfilled life devoted to the running of their home but that’s just not me. I agree with Avitable that maybe that’s just not you either. (Of course, I don’t know you and this is Day 2 of reading your blog so what the hell do I really know?)
Sorry – I wanna know what everyone else says and what you say back so here I am again, remembering to click the “notify” button this time around.
@ Sheila: I will say, I haven’t felt like the “type” in the past few months. It was fulfilling for the first FIVE years, but now, every day just seems like more of the same. I wonder, though, if people who have “real” (eye roll) jobs don’t go through that, too.
I can understand that. I wish I had something to say beyond that but every time I type the words, they don’t come out the way I want them to. ::sigh::
YES!!!!!!
People with “real” jobs absolutely do. And we wish like hell we had the time freedom that would allow us to do more of the things that “matter”.
I think that whether you stay at home full-time, part-time or work a full-time outside job, as women and mothers, we will always have the feeling that no matter what we do, it’s not good enough and there is still something else that should be added to our lists.
The grass is always greener on the other side. I think that people who claim to have it all under control and perfectly balanced are full of crap.
@Britt: Yeah, that’s what I thought. But, I assure you, the last thing I have is loads of free time and I spend a great deal of time doing stuff that doesn’t “matter.” And, yeah, I know, I chose to make it that way…but it’s complicated.
@Sheila: That’s the absolute heart of the matter. Not. Good. Enough.
Some days I feel like I am wasting everything on meaningless drudgery. Other days I feel as if I’ve done something important that will help make things better.
I think we all strive for meaning.
Sounds like you’re CEO of a Fortune 500 Family. Your executive parachute and bonus plan pays out a couple dozen years after most.
I was writing a huge comment. I decided to send it in an email, instead. Mostly… I feel ya. And… I would like a coffee talk visit, too.
I’m horrible at giving advice anyways so I’m glad you weren’t looking for any. As fore my advice? 1) don’t do something for the money, do it for the love of whatever it is. 2) chocolate batter is always better in the middle of night. 3) we are all mutants thanks to mutations in our DNA. (probably my favorite little piece of knowledge. hehe).
@Turnbaby: You’re absolutely right. It’s been about 36 hours since I wrote this post, and I’m beginning to think that I wouldn’t be surprised if people like Mother Teresa, Nelson Mandela or Gandhi thought, “What the hell am I doing with my life?” It’s a question we *should* ask ourselves periodically.
@whall: A couple dozen years? OK, assuming that the average CEO retires around 45-50, a couple of dozen years added to that would be around 80. The average life expectancy of a female in these here United States is around 80. I GET MY BONUS AT MY FUNERAL??? Not cool.
@Allyson: I love surprise e-mails, yaaaay!
@Sarah: That’s excellent advice. Really. Cake batter in the middle of the night. I’m def. going to try that.
Hell, maybe I should be using a planner. I don’t get squat done every day. And it seems like my deepest most intimate conversations are with the coffeemaker. Sometimes I miss working in an office. Then I remember I’d have to put on pants.
@ Karl: Pants are SO overrated.
Preaching to the choir, sister.
Just today I was thinking I need to start making lists. I think I’d get things done in a more orderly fashion and remember more of the stuff I want to get done.
For example, as I write this, I’m aware I need to order a Christmas gift. I’ve had the “don’t forget to order this” thought several times this weekend but, without a list to check it off of, have failed do it. (I’m going to do it now.)
@delmer: Like I said, lists are critical for me to get stuff done. I’m happy that my neuroticism had some positive effect!
You are the CEO, COO, CFO, and Consultant of this household and YES you are right that you don’t get paid nearly as much as you should. But don’t worry…that is exactly what I am working on fixing. Thanks for everything you do and for your patience in taking care of your two kids!
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWww.